Welcome back to H3LL
Hey! It's been a while. Surprisingly, things haven't been all that bad with BM for a while. Sure, there's been the odd tiff and disagreement here and there, but it was never going to be perfect, was it? Sadly, good things must come to an end.
I was sent a mumsnet link yesterday, and I'll chew my own shoe if I'm wrong, but I'm 99% certain it's written by her. Just a post full of ramblings about how nasty I am and how I don't bend over backwards for her, basically. Something about taking things away from her--referencing SS nursery graduation and how I ended up standing at the front with him instead of her, but failing to mention that it only happened because he kept running away and ignoring her, tried climbing into a skip as she just stood and watched, so I ended up taking his hand and marching him up front.
The biggest surprise was the comments. Mumsnet is not exactly known for being on team stepmum, and yet with only one side of the story they have, politely, torn her a new one.
As if ranting and raving online wasnt enough, she started slating me to DP last night when he dropped the kids off, calling me this, that and the other. Threatening to withhold the kids from him just because she doesn't like me. She didn't like that he had a lot to say about her back. Maybe he should have bitten his tongue, be the bigger person but it's SO hard sometimes, I cant really fault him. We've both been very placid with her, sometimes enough is enough, you know?
Now she's had her partner message DP saying she won't be letting him take SS this weekend as she's not happy that DP is "grounding" him. Take grounding loosely--he is four years old and has lost his tv privileges at ours due to being excluded from school twice in the space of a week for violence towards his teachers. Apparently this isn't right and she's not letting it happen, but like she says, I've only been a mother for 5 minutes, so what would I know?
Open to hearing others thoughts on this?
if he has court scheduled
if he has court scheduled visitation she cannot withhold the child. Perhaps he should point that out and calmly state he will be picking up his child at the scheduled time. That was he has proof if she withholds the kiddo. And proof adds up and can become a necessary court action if needed in the future.
We unfortunately don't have a
We unfortunately don't have a CO in place--not for a lack of want on my part. I've told DP to go for pick up anyway and if she refuses to hand SS over, just accept it--remain calm and tell SS you will see him next week and we can take it from there. I've gotten him into the habit of screenshotting everything on the chance it does ever go to court so we have all the proof we could need. He also made her aware that he'd be recording all their inperson interactions but I'm not sure if that's something you have to make clear each time, so I wouldn't know if that's something that would stand in court? It's her words at drop off that show the worst of her because she doesn't think it'll come back to bite her and she's able to lie about what she has or hasn't said.
maybe speed up the drop off
maybe speed up the drop off/pick ups and pretend he doesn't hear her. That way she's forced to text her nasty?
She sounds difficult.. I
She sounds difficult.. I would try to leave as much of the interraction with her to your DH..
Clearly she is bitter and jealous.. if your husband has a custody order.. and she is witholding custody.. he should file contempt against her for that. If he doesn't have an official custody order.. he needs one.. the kid is only 4... he needs the legal guidelines with a woman like that.
I might also suggest that you not step in at events like that.. your husband should have been corralling his child .. you know it is an issue for her.. so at this point.. he needs to be reminded it's his job too.
I agree I probably
I agree I probably overstepped, and I would have left it to DP to step in but he was busy making sure SD wasnt running around and being a distraction to everyone else. BM's partner was just standing there staring blankly and SS was about to jump in a skip full of crap as BM just watched him!
As SM.. you can always just
As SM.. you can always just drift off and let the parents deal with the kids. It's not so much overstepping.. but sometimes well meaning "help" is seen that way by an EX.. so it can be better to just be background when they are present.
I try. I really do try, but
I try. I really do try, but then I "don't do enough" and "if she wants to be step mum she can step up". What's the saying? Can't do right for doing wrong? As per her weird ramblings, she doesn't want the kids anywhere near me but is so angry with me because I refuse to be her free childcare when she wants or needs it on her time.
Keep to the letter of CO
Don't give a inch. Let DH handle her.
She is telling and showing you who and what she is. Believe her.
No more placid. Make her life one of continually escalating misery and a living hell. Get a Court Order clearly defining your SO's COd visitation time if there isn't one. No more letting this POS slobbering rabid BM play her "not letting SO have his kid" bullshit. Make sure that her partner suffers just as much if he decides to wallow in the muck with his idiot mate in interfering in your SO's time with his kid.
She is proving that there isn't anything special or honorable about her and that she is devoid of any quality. So, scrape her off of your shoes like the shit she is.
She nor her SO have any say in the relationships within your relationship and blended family. They do not matter in your life or your relationships. Make sure they get smacked in the nose with a rolled up copy of the CO if they stick their nose in your life, family, or time with your SS. Obviously the converse is also true.
Smack her with a contempt of court motion if she violates the CO.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Never give up, never give in.
Own her idiot ass and use every tool that is legally, socially, and financially available to make her rue any day that she crawls out from under her slime covered rock at the bottom of her shallow and polluted gene pool. The CO is critical. She needs to be smacked about the head and shoulders with it when she deviates from the Court Order. A CO is the foundation of the blended family interfaces and is the best tool for managing the blended family interfaces.
Take care of you, take care of your family, take care of your SKid. Tolerate no bullshit from the shallow and polluted end of your SKid's gene pool.
IMHO of course.
I do keep telling DP that he
I do keep telling DP that he needs a CO in place. He's slowly starting to get where I'm coming from but he doesn't want things to get messy. And knowing her, she would make it messier than a paint factory explosion. Just running around spouting baseless lies about myself and my family, and also DP. She's got it in her head that if this ever goes to court she'll be able to keep the kids out of DP's care if he's around me but fails to understand that we have all interactions with her documented--proof of her manipulating and alienating her children, refusing to be home either at all or on time. She seems very willing to charge into a fight that she isn't going to win, because in her head she has done no wrong.
Your dh needs to understand
Your dh needs to understand that things will get even messier if he DOESN'T get a CO... A CO protects everybody's interests. He needs one like yesterday.
If you have proof of the lies she's spreading about you and yours, you might be able to nail her for slander/defamation of character.
By the way, good for you for refusing to be her unpaid babysitter. You owe her nothing. When she has the kids, finding a babysitter is her problem. She can't just dump them off on you.
His reason for no CO is he
His reason for no CO is he doesn't want things to get messy?!
Messy in regards to the kids.
Messy in regards to the kids. Things are already messy with her but he doesn't want her having amo against him to use on the kids. "Your dads trying to take you away from me" blah blah blah
She's going to try and poison
She's going to try and poison them anyway, "your dad doesn't care about you or he'd see you more often", "he doesn't need you now that he has anonymo", and heaven help him if you have a baby...
His kids need to know that he cares enough to fight for them. After all, all he wants is to see his children on a regular basis. It's up to him to educate his kids that he's NOT trying take them away from their mother, he just wants to see them. He must be open with them.
The kids don't belong to their mother ...
PS
I e just seen that you have a baby. That is the biggest piece of ammunition she could have, "Your dad has replaced you with his new family. He doesn't need you anymore". He needs that CO like yesterday.
This is where the facts are critical and giving them to the kids
This is where the facts are critical and giving them to the kids has to happen. In an age appropriate manner of course.
He can't take them away from their mother. She is lying. So Tell the kids she is lying. The CO is the law. So once one is in place her lies will be counter to the law and you and SO can sit the kids down and review the CO with them in detail any time BM plies her lying bullshit.
Tolerte no manipulation or toxicit from BM making sure that they kids know in full detail every time she lies, manipulates, or otherwise is toxic.
Lather, rinse, repeat until they age out from under the CO. The facts are no less critical once the kids reach the age of majority as people like your SO's X never stop their crap. SKidults need to be able to defend themselves from the toxic individual just as much and often even more than a minor child does.
We landed on this model early in our blended family marriage. The entire 16+ years we lived under a CO were peppered with toxicity, lies, screaming rants, tearful blubbering, and the shallow and polluted end of my SKid's gene pool attempting their Parental Alienation crap on a kid that they had only 7wks per year of visitation with.
Facts are neither good nor are they bad. They are merely facts. The kids need the facts in order to have clarity regarding their COD lives and to understand who in the mix has their best interests at heart and who is the toxic nasty ones in the mix. If a kid is cursed with having those types in their lives.
Our son would not infrequently come home from SpermClan visitation with questions about things that they had told him or had done that did not pass his smell test. So, facts were the way we chose to answer his questions. As he got older it was not a rare thing for him to be in our study looking through the Custody/Visitation/Support files of our file cabinets. That would often lead to more questions and discussions on why they would lie to him when the actual facts and history were clear and in the information either submitted to the courts or issued by the courts. Things got very interesting and spicy when he would call them out on their crap in real time while with them for visitation.
After he aged out from under the CO on his 18th B-day we mistakenly thought we were done with their crap and that since they were no longer on the hook for Child Support SS could have some calm interface with them rather than their usual toxic crap. Wrong. Once he succumbed to their manipulation to not keep them on the hook for CS while he was in University until age 21 and instead chose to enlist in the military they immediately pivoted to guilting him and trying to manipulate hi into repaying them for the 17 years of CS they paid for his support. He was gobsmacked by that one. We were livid. He made it clear and told them in no uncertain terms what they could do with that crap. Their push did not end there. They pivoted to trying to guilt him into sending money to SpermGrandHag via direct payroll withholding to help support his also out of wedlock three younger half sibs by two other baby mamas. That met the same response as the CS repayment attempt had received.
Get the CO, give your SKids the facts. This BM will not just crawl under and stay under her slime covered rock at the bottom of her noxious shallow and polluted gene pool.
Good luck in all of this.
Don't forget to take care of yourself.
Tell him point blank that w
Tell him point blank that w/out a court order he is forever her bitch.