$how me the Money$
Welll, after much thought and of course reading all the comments on my last post, I spoke with my parents on the issue as well. I even spoke with the neighbor gal. She thinks its pretty shady that the kids not working and not in (free) college. Her new take on things is maybe Toxic Troll is lying about SD18s age to keep her a minor so that she can keep that section 8 nezt by the beach.
Gathering my thoughts.
Husband and I had a BIG talk about the situation with SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada, Our lady of Inertia, goddess of Sloth.
He agrees that it is not working for me to be delegating tasks. I told him that. 10 years of undermining me has created this, it will take much to undo it, one week is not going to do it. He has agreed that I pay less in bills towards her "rent". He wants to pro rate it, I said nope.
Going forward I will NOT ask for anything extra task-wise. She WILL continue the week-on/week-off, for now. If I want the house to myself, Ill just get the schedule and work around it accordingly, after all I am now benefitting financially from this.
So, Im going to actually get to enjoy my life a little bit more without all the pressure, as I should have.
My mother said it well:
"you need to breathe, and meditate so you dont stress, you need to let it all go because you have no control over it and you have to go get some therapy". Ok, mom!
I was asked to think about what my Ultimate Goal is wrt to her:
Ultimately I want her out of my house without me being the chief engineer of it, so that I do not become the Hated Stepmonster. I want HER to choose it. I want zero resentment from anyone. But ultimately I want her out...into the world, building a normal life whatever that means.
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"ultimately I want her out..
"ultimately I want her out...into the world, building a normal life whatever that means." ... this is what I want for my SS20... is it too much to ask without having to get lost in a rabbit hole of fights with Disney Parent of the spawn???
Totally effed up
this messed up, toxic pattern of enablement to the point of disablement - this is what we are fighting against. And the others said it so well on my last post - fighting a battle that no one else is fighting. No one else cares how I feel.
The problem with what you
The problem with what you want is that it may not ever happen. You want her to want to leave.. but you want it to be her choice.. how do you think that would ever come about? If she is getting to stay both places with minimal to no requirements.. why would she want to leave?
You need to kind of reframe things in that you aren't evil for wanting to have peace in your own home and in your relationship. Maybe you don't have to do the big BOOT now as a fresh 18 yo.. but when is it going to be too long? 19? 20? 25? 32?
wouldn't you love to stay where all your needs are taken care of with no effort on your part?
Long vs short
Im thinking for next few months, this is something I can live with.
What do YOU think is too long? Im thinking 6 months of this and maybe husband will get sick of it, because hes going to be paying more as I think of different ways to get more $$$ from this "situation".
YES. I would so love things to be different and better.
So Im working on me.
This is my "mistress of
This is my "mistress of futurama" prediction.
1. SD will continue to be lady of lack of intertia goddess of nothingness. You will face multiple attempts by your DH to somehow engage.. or you wil get so sick of seeing it unfold and the mess and will not be able to be quiet.
2. Your DH will manufacture some reason why he can't pay more.. and he won't... which means you will because you don't want power cut off.. or the house reposessed. He is not going to get sick of paying and push her out.. he will get sick of paying.. and figure out a way to make you pay..
If you really think.. yeah.. I will give her till January.. then don't make this a death by a thousand cuts conversations with your DH. Tell him NOW.
DH.. right NOW.. for the next 4 months.. you will be responsible for X$ more. But, if she is not full time employed or part time employed and enrolled and attending college by January (or first date of college class calendar attendance) then she will no longer be welcome here on her "visitation schedule". I'm giving you this notice so that YOU can do something about it before then.
Ive decided
That I will not engage any longer. I will no longer "wait and see" what happens. Moving forward Im just going to pay for less and less...no more take out, no more of any extras. He gets to pay and pay and pay.
No more "death by a thousand cuts", because no more discussions. Its by the schedule all the way.
100% THIS!
I think women especially have
I think women especially have a difficult time being direct.. and asking for what we want. We hint.. we ask for half steps.. we dance around it.
I have a feeling that is what Clove is doing by just accepting money now.. and hoping that the problem will somehow take care of it'self as if the little bit of money (if she is ever successful in implementing it.. which I have concerns about ).. is going to be some motivator. It likely won't.. it's just bandaid to make her feel less "used". She is hoping the girl decides on her own to leave.. that maybe the rules of being at home will be too much.
She has had admirable teachers in her mother and sister.. she is dense.. despite the lip quiver baby voice.. she will endure a whole lot in order to get what she wants.. and that's to not have people on her case to make her work or go to school. She is the apprentice schemer to her mother.. work for cash.. give tattoos unlicensed and under the table..
She is going to stand a lot of heat before she is ever inclined to leave the kitchen....
I don't hear anything in Clove's post that she gave her husband an end date.. because she is hoping it will magically take care of itself somehow.. and all she is doing is causing every one more aggravation.. Ask for what you want.. now.. tell him clearly.. that his daughter living long term in the home is not acceptable to her. period. Get him to agree to a date.. let him work with his kid on ways to survive after that date happens.. to prepare for the date.
Now. it will be several months of maybe him paying more.. maybe not.. and then there will be this new demand.. and it will be QuellE Surprise all over again.. and they are mad at her 2x.
I've asked this before but it
I've asked this before but it's never really been answered... how do you respect and love your husband? He has failed his kids miserably... has failed you etc. These failed breeders will always be an issue for you... is that what you want?
I personally couldn't be with someone like your husband. I've had/have issues in my situation but SO has done EVERYTHING for those kids and they have (for the most part) will/are becoming successful humans beings.
What did she say?
What did she say after the 3-person talk?
Just us
It was just he and I about SD.
She doesnt know, to my knowledge, just has been asking to come over...and this weekend is a really big festival in town closer to her mother so Im not really understanding whats going on.
"Ultimately I want her out of
"Ultimately I want her out of my house without me being the chief engineer of it, so that I do not become the Hated Stepmonster. I want HER to choose it."
I don't think she will. She has no desire to even get a basic state ID which is super easy to do, let alone a drivers license. She doesn't want to grow up because she's never had to do anything, and is still getting away with it. She's still got no job. Your H does not want to put pressure on her and be a real parent. He still wants you to do so. And you cannot. I think you will end up with her in your house for YEARS, not months like you would prefer. Think about that. You need to give your H a deadline, not her. H: "If she's not out of this house OR working full time OR going to school full time by X date, I will be the one leaving." And prepare for that. Start packing, make it real for him, and you.
Own joint tenancy
I will never be the one to pack it up unless we sell the house and I am thoroughly done with both of them.
I think you are right - she doesnt WANT to grow the eff up because that means WORK.
AND nope, I cannot parent that mess.
Im definitely not going to go for the years, and am hoping that she will pack it up and move in with friends like she keeps talking about.
But in our area I dont see that happening without a job.
And I could sell the house, and then rent, but I dont want to do that....theres nothing I could hope to buy in the area for less than 650k.
Don't smoke the Hopeium pipe.
Don't smoke the Hopeium pipe.
You simply need to stop having these double top secret plans. you are going to be wholly dissappointed each and every time they don't behave or do what you are secretly hoping.
The specific words need to be said out loud.
I don't want her living here long term. I want a date that we will stick to.. and until then you will be paying extra for the pleasure of her company.
That's the point of the money
That's the point of the money, though. For you to save it so you can "bug out" if and when things don't get better. Or pay a lawyer to have them "bugged out."
I will never be the one to
if he knows you're locked in and won't leave
and he won't push his overgrown daughter to leave
and he refuses to change
....then you continue to get more of the same
"Ultimately I want her out of
Most likely, reality is, even if she chooses it, you are going to be blamed. The dynamic of the situation leads me to believe that, even if DH grew a spine and insisted she do something beside vegitate in the bedroom, his stance would be your fault. The older daughter's take on her relationship sets the precedent.
Time To Be Blunt
As ESMOD said, many women have difficulty being direct. That would include me. Not anymore. I say this will all love and compassion.....stop the madness. Stop making plans, making lists, having meetings,etc. Just tell your DH.....give the Princess a move out date and stand strong. She's NEVER going to leave on her own. Your DH doesn't want to do it? Then give him the same move out date with his Princess.
CLove, I did what you are doing for WAY too long. It cost me dearly. I struggled with my mental health for almost 3 years, getting back to healthy. I still have some triggers. But today...nothing and I mean NOTHING comes in the way of my health. DHs kids were local a few weeks ago. I stood my ground. I offered ONE afternoon for DH to have them over and cook, which I'd have been happy to help with. DH declined...too many at one time. He did try to get his son/wife here to stay in our RV and I said, absolutely NOT. It did not happen. DH knows....I love him but even that isn't enough to chance my health again.
I'll say this till the day I die....it takes more than love for a successful marriage/relationship. Respect is top of that list. Your DH does not respect you. Mine didn't for awhile but when I "put my foot down," and started being clear and direct, he changed. We keep a counselor in our lives for those "moments" when we need a 3rd party. Saw that counselor a week before DHs kids came to clear up one issue. DH returned this past week to clear up a mistake he made in our marriage. We are on the same page.
I wish you the best. Sending you love through the airwaves.
Makeing her stay
With out paying anything, not doing anything and you paying her bills. Why move how can you have it any better . Actually please send me her schedule. So I can stay with you in her off weeks. LOL.
Give her two months to get out. To find a job or get into college.better still.
"I hear you have a 50%
"I hear you have a 50% vacancy for someone to lie around and watch videos while you feed and clean up after them? I'd like to submit my application."
Is that realistic?
#1 This should be your DH's action. He should be caring about how you feel and he should be acting on it.
#2 We have no control--truly--over whether someone is going to resent us or not. Some people are going to resent us because we breathe air. What torture for you to do nothing and hope that she makes a decision, only to have her make the decision and still blame you! She MUST be picking up on your vibes, words, and actions, so I'd bet that she is going to resent you no matter what you do.
#3 It's ok if someone resents you. My skids resent the hell out of me. I made the decision (with DH's support) that they weren't stepping foot in our house again. Don't like it, kiddos? Too effin' bad!
#4 Start fully enjoying life. You can make this work.
This is why you make it known
This is why you make it known from the jump "those leeches are NOT leeching/living here after 18/high school"
now your husband and his extension are acting obtuse that the cushy life they've lived will not continue like they expect it
Girl you can talk till you're blue in the face but until your husband thinks you are FINALLY done with his shenanigans will you see any effort to change.
I can't understand how dense your husband has to be to put a trifling non-contributing able bodied adult woman over the status of your marriage.
He should have been sent her to her toxic troll mothers house (and only invited her over as a guest with your consent) where she belongs.
Hold FIRM on your move out date. Spread the date on the kitchen fridge with apartment guide pamphlets and classified ads on the kitchen table.
*Be prepared for your husband to move out too if he dare goes against you
These people should be ashamed for making you scared in your own home.
Reclaim your power in YOUR home you pay bills in.
PREACH Lilly!
(((Applause!)))
This is 100% accurate. Speaking from similar experience.