Classic can’t care more then bio parents.
SD17 is entering her senior of high school. She went from wanting to stay home and commuting too going to private out of state schools costing 70k a year. This is completely outside her realm and blowout occurred because I gave my two cents off the rip.
SOs ex SIL who is an APRN is offering to tour colleges with SD. He refuses to take time off after I told him he should... his response is well she's offering....
Terrible IMO.
EDIT: I told him if my opinions mean so little to you and SD then I am completely removing myself from this situation aka... no shopping for dorms or moving in etc. I want nothing to do with it. He claims "I ruined it because I attacked." I was realistic.. very different then attacking and I called him a "defensive Disney dad."
- MissK03's blog
- Log in to post comments
Comments
My husband is still worked up
My husband is still worked up over the one time I called him a "Disney dad" lol. He tries to point out examples of why he's not a "Disney dad" to me from time to time so I know it stuck in his mind haha.
70k a year is ridiculous. Is your husband independently wealthy, because who can afford that???
Good lord, the state university I went to was like 6k a year and I thought that was a lot. Granted it was quite a while ago now, but still. Insane.
SD is going to have to pull
SD is going to have to pull loans for her tuitions. SO can not support her in this... I heard her rattling of schools that's her "friends" were visiting and was like no way you can afford any of those... just tuitions start at 40k+. Then she started her typical clueless banter how she would rather pay more money to go to a school she likes.... I was saying how she does not understand how student loans work etc... and how some of my friends in their late 30s are STILL paying.. SD17 thinks she understands and knows everything... it's her personality. SD kept going so I kept going ***insert the defensive Disney dad*** coming down to swoop in...
Basically told me to stop in front of SD and then they teamed up against... "it's you...you don't know how to talk to people." And that he was going to talk to her about how far fetched it is... but I don't even "entertain" the idea. This is where him and I are completely different... why entertain something if it is completely out of reach!
FYI I have to deal with people all day this is completely inaccurate. That was Tuesday.
Yesterday we saw his ex SIL (who is a fantastic person) so she's going to help her but it turns into this secretive thing now... I walked by at one point when they were talking and they got quite... SO was like great she's going to help!
So when we left the party we were at I told him he HAS to go. I sad you're her parent you can NOT be apart of it. He has like then I can't go to x friends wedding (one of my friends) I said you can go to his wedding because that's only a day off. I told him NOT to go to my other friends wedding in VA because he can draw days off that week to use for SD.
He doesn't like that because then HE can't hang with my brother... OH WELL. He didn't say that but it's definitely true.
With tuition
that high I'm assuming you're talking about a non-public college. If your SD is a good student there will be some funding/academic scholarship support from the college itself. The price tag will not look quite so terrible but will probably still be higher than an in-state university. Top students end up just paying room and board.
If SD is going into nursing do these colleges have programs for that?
The private ones she was
The private ones she was looking at yes... but in my state we have some of the top programs of the New England area. No reason for her to leave the state... she just wants too... typical uneducated 17 year old.
My YSD had lofty dreams of
My YSD had lofty dreams of attending some fancy out of state program as a teen.. in a field that we had never seen her express any interest in growing up. We flatly told her we would not be able to help her in any way financially.. so if she did it.. and wanted to do it.. she would have to figure it out.
She decided to take the job offer she had in town and do online learning through the local CC which the company paid for.
She is now a manager of HR for that company.. and it has been slow going... but is close to done with the associates.. (it's been tough.. her company moved her 4 times and she got married ...so she has taken semesters off time to time.. and it's just been a class or two at a time).
By entertaining their dreams
By entertaining their dreams while knowing they will never come true simply builds up false hopes only to pull the rug from under them. Can't he see how incredibly cruel that is?
Auntie Helping
That happened to me too a few weeks ago - SD18 princess powersulk do nada was hanging with Retired Auntie and Other Auntie and husband told him of his frustrations with her lack of motivation and retired autie offered to help get drivers license. Hasnt happened.
Last week I struggled and just told her and him to get her photo id, she needs that for everything.
Do you REALLY think auntie is going to help or is it all talk?
SOs ex SIL is a fantastic
SOs ex SIL is a fantastic person. His brother was very lucky with who picked him to marry. Both his ex wives are awesome people and have raised very good kids. She's an APRN and SD wants to go into nursing and she knows a lot about programs and has connections. She would 100% be beneficially to SD. It's SO just passing the torch and him beig pissed at me because I shut down private out of state schools off the rip.
Thats fab!
I hope she gets realistic about her plans...and can follow up with action.
SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada almost 3 months later no job no drivers license and no college fafsa.
So frustrating.
I know I'm preaching to the
I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but your SO is screwing up. Most 17 year olds have no concept of the impact huge college debt will have on their future lives. It is the responsibility of the parent to just say no, to explain to them how that "dream" school will become a nightmare, and to refuse to cosign any loans or let them get into a position where they'll have crippling debt. He can let her apply - maybe she'll get financial aid or a scholarship - but make it crystal clear up front what his contribution will be and his thoughts on debt so there are no surprises next spring. Buckle up - it sounds like this will be a rough ride for you.
He did talk to her about it.
He did talk to her about it. He told he will suppprt her while she's at school but the loans will be on her. He will be retiring in 8 years and it would be unfair to him at this point to have massive debt. He has raised all 3 of his kids with zero input from BM. She has not put a single dollar into their well being their entire lives...it was always SO. His point to me was let her see what she will get for money etc then lay it out. I don't think SD will get a ton of scholarships. He let her grades slip her junior year. Ya know... the most important year. They were still decent but not what she can do.. she could have done better... I completely stay out of that too. I don't question anything because it always ended in a fight. She made high honors her last quarter. She is in AP classes etc and has good grades... She made honor roll every marking period 9th and 10th grade. So she does have grades to potential get some scholarships but that's all she has... and she plays 1 sport. She's not involved in anything else to earn full rides IMO.
He told her to talk to guidance and see what she can apply for etc.
I just think even considering these expensive schools is silly. Why bother touring, applying etc... no point.
Shes following the crowd IMO... We live in higher middle class town and unfortunately for SD her father does not have the finances as her friends. It's reality. That was my point but neither of them wanted to hear it.
SD is so naive that she was saying "I think I can get 1k from mom." I said SD you don't understand how little that is... that's pennies in bigger picture of massive loans. I don't think BM would even do that TBH.
YSD's mother was the same -
YSD's mother was the same - never worked, never supported her 3 (total) kids, never paid a dime in c.s.
I wish there was a way to acquaint skids like yours with the hard truth: that those other kids have/had TWO parents supporting and contributing, you don't, and due to that your options are different.
The blame should be put where it rightly belongs, not on the messenger.
They know she has put a penny
They know she has put a penny into them but they don't understand the real concept. BM has always said "your father makes more money then me." "It's what he wanted." What I really wish the skids would ask her is where that 50k not court ordered money went? Because SO was still paying for everything for them AND giving her money on top of it. It didn't cost 50k to feed your kids 6 days a month for 5 years... oh wait... it went towards her lifestyle that's where..
I'll add this too... I think
I'll add this too... I think I'm just hurt because I wanted to be a part of this for her and it got blown out of water so quick that it's not worth it anymore. I told SO I'm going to remove myself from the situation but he can't be mad at me for it too. Another dammed if I do dammed if I dont.
Get some friends with college
Get some friends with college bound kids who don't mind you helping with dorm decor and dorm life tips.
I know I'd take any of my girlfriends up on that offer ..... takes a village to raise these hard headed kids lol
I could do that!! That won't
I could do that!! That won't be for a little while though. All my friends kids are toddlers or elementary age haha.
I wish college was made
I wish college was made affordable and people weren't forced to take on a debt that takes years to pay back.
The problem with "easy" money
The problem with "easy" money for college is that it allowed the universities and colleges (and other tech schools etc) to pump up pricing.. and often entice students with things that aren't even academic related.. I mean.. state of the art gyms etc.. those are "nice to haves".. not necessary for getting an education are they?
tuition has increased faster than inflation.. and the value of the degrees has dropped.. so it's not always the best way for people to start.
but the education system seems geared to pushing kids through.. with college as a natural next step.
There are so many kids who attend that do not have near the academic chops to be there.. but they get loans or their parents pay if they have to
I believe that the ability to get loans or govt money for your studies should be directly related to the ultimate value that degree will provide.
You can't borrow money for degree programs with low success in graduates attaining gainful employment at a rate that would be able to repay said loans.
I am supportive of forgiveness for those students that go into public service roles and commit to them long term (5 years minimum with a percent being written off each year after that until extinguished).. That way, teachers, military, law enforcement etc.. jobs that may not pay top tier can justify working because the job repays their education..
I also agree that it's kindest to tell your child what is possible and what is not possible for parental support.. they need to understand clearly that dad can't foot the bill for a 70K a year program. period. and that if they can't get a full ride, that will not be an option.
I agree completely. College
I agree completely. College costs have been artificially inflated. The days of working all summer to pay tuition are over. The days of going to school to "find yourself" via partying are over for almost everyone. And all these Pell grants given out, i wonder what the rate of the recipients actually getting a degree is. I suspect many of them go a few years, live off it, then drop or fail out. But the money is being circulated from the taxpayer to the underprivileged to the universities, and then...who knows where?
I haven't researched this extensively but i read somewhere that college in Germany is free, but only if you pass the rigorous requirements to get in. That seems like a better use of resources than the drunken sailor spending and bloat we have here, and so many kids don't even graduate.
Is SD wanting to go to school
Is SD wanting to go to school for nursing? If so, a fancy school is pointless. You can research NCLEX pass rates of local or regional schools and try for the ones with the highest. Focus on going there and making the best grades possible. Potential employers see those as the most desirable for new hires. Past your first job, potential employers look at your work experience. TBH, anyone with an RN license will find a job, and if it sucks, you can use that experience to get better jobs.
Oh I am well aware of that it
Oh I am well aware of that it doesn't matter what school you go to... I was just talking to my brothers about this.. one of my SILs is a nurse and I have multiple people that I know... It's SO giving into SD.. and entertaining things that are not an option for her.