The depths to which SD17's BM can go has no bounds.  Let me preface this by stating that DH and I have not seen SD17 in months - roughly October for me and early December for DH.  BM has classic narcassistic personality disorder and makes SD17 feel guilty any time she wants to come see us apparently.  SD17 continues to not go to school but can work part time.  BM has a doctor who has prescribed SD17 meds for undiagnosed ADHD, depression and anxiety AND SD17 is addicted to weed.  Even her doctor has told her that she can't be smoking it while on the meds she is on. 

SD17's home environment with BM is extremely toxic - yelling, screaming, name calling, putting each other down.  But SD17 has become accustomed to it - to the point where coming to our home is uncomfortable for her because we don't yell and scream, etc...

BM announced to SD17 the other day that she is selling their home in the coming months and that SD17 needs to figure out what she is doing - continue living with BM, or find somewhere else to live.  DH has offered for her to come to our home, however, we have rules:  no drugs (SD17's older brother passed away from an overdose just over a year ago) and if she is indeed addicted then she will need to get into rehab before staying with us, by the time the house sells she will most likely be 18 therefore we can't force her to go to school, so she will have to find a full time job and pay rent, and she will need to have a mental health assessment to determine what medications (if any) she actually needs to be on and then attend regular therapy sessions.   

As much as my relationship with SD17 over the past few years has disintegrated due to BM's gaslighting, deflecting and brainwashing of SD17, I do feel very sorry for her and have always wanted the best for her.  When she was younger I thought she might have had a chance to go a different route than her brother and BM (who doesn't work, found a doctor who signed disability forms so she lives off of disability and expects everyone to pay her way).  I remember when she used to say that she never wanted to be like her brother and she still says BM is a lazy piece of s&%t.  But over the past few years, she has declined, she has become combative, been kicked out of school numerous times for fighting.  She has been smoking weed regularly for the past two years and admits she "needs" it on top of the other medications that she is on.  She hasn't been to school in over a month.  She states she has no interest in it.  But she does go to her part time job.  

Whenever she has been to our home or with us, she is a different person.  But she tells DH she is uncomfortable and that she feels like she is being judged.  That makes me sad and also angry because I know alot of that is coming from BM.   It makes me sad because all DH and I have every wanted was for her to have a safe and healthy environment and unfortunately BM has put it in her head that our home is the one that is toxic and unhealthy (deflecting of course).  I feel sad for DH because no matter what he tries to do, he is met with the same excuse "I feel judged".  I'm not sure why she feels that way - we see her so very little that we don't want to spend whatever time we have with her questioning her on why she isn't going to school, why she gets in fights with others, why is she doing drugs when she knows what her brother's addiction put everyone through for years - including herself.  She typically wants to talk about the crap going on at home with BM which is fine. We listen.  DH lets her know that we are here for her.  But unfortunately, I feel, that she (via BM) has put a wedge between herself and DH (and by extension me), that when we do see her, it feels awkward and uncomfortable.  There are times when some of the discussions that SD17 intigates, it sounds like something that BM has asked her to bring up with us.  That we have to be very careful how we respond as we know that SD17 always reports back to BM.  

SD is a very angry girl with little to no confidence which manifests itself in her being a bully to others (she even attempted to bully me a few years ago).  This makes me sad because when she was a young girl she was the kid who was sticking up for the kids who were being bullied.  And now she is one.  It shouldn't surprise me since she grew up with BM being the ultimate bully.

Suffice it to say, that I am very apprehensive about the possibility of having SD17 move in with us.  When SS lived with us when he was her age and just getting into the thick of his addiction, it was a horrible experience.  I'm sorry to say but it was.  I'm sure I have some PTS from it.  I wouldn't wish dealing with an addicted loved one on anyone.  It makes me tired to even think of having her here. Is that horrible of me?  She is DH's youngest daughter, he wants to help her and be there for her.  Which of course I completely understand.  But god help me, I just don't want to go through all of that again.  And I'm afraid that our marriage may not be able to withstand it.  I know I'm jumping ahead here.  She may end up going to live with BM anyway.  

Thanks for letting me vent.