Last month, I went through a very rough patch with my SD and her BM.  Sprouting from me asking my SD why she was sent home from school (for verbally threatening some girls).  I received very nasty, almost abusive texts from BM.  And I did respond diplomatically once and only once.  This resulted in a further abusive email response and I then blocked mommy dearest (as i call her).  Later, I reviewed the response and decided to write a response but not send it as there is no point in doing so.  It was more for my own sanity. To get it off my chest.  But thought I would share here (mommy dearest's are in bold and my responses are in italics). Remember this was not sent to BM, it is only me getting it off my chest. "Bob" is my husband. Also, I have blanked out where mommy dearest was using foul language and I've inserted SD and SS instead of my SD and SS's name.

So, you take no ownership in the fact that you stress her out, she does not want to discuss her personal issues with you, she does not want you asking about her personal issues but you just have to go there every time!  I have discussed with you that she gets stressed out when you try to talk to her about things or critique her on what she wears or her hair or whatever it may be, it's in your nature to judge and control and that's not the best way to deal with her.  And there it is.  First you denied that you had ever spoken to me about how you claim I'm one of her stressors.  Let me just say I don't approach SD to talk about her personal issues.  I usually ask her what's new and how she is and SHE discusses with me what is going on in her life and what goes on at your place. So no, I do not take any ownership at all.  And by the way, I don't critique her on what she wears or her hair or "whatever it may be".  If she claims that I'm doing that, I'm sorry but she is wrong.  But I have a feeling that it is indeed you that does that to her and you are trying to project your lovely parenting-style on to me.  If that makes you feel better about yourself, then so be it.

As for "Bob", why he used the term "lure" him into the house is beyond me! SD called him out on it to his face so I know he said it and obviously it was in regards to me, who else would it have been directed toward?     I f----ing know him better than you EVER will, i know the lies and manipulation tactics he uses on people, he even acts different when you are around and when you aren't he can be himself, his kids have told me the same thing and I noticed it too, you have reduced him to a shell of his former self, how do i know that? because I know his former self very well and who he is today compared to who he was before he got with you is extremely different and quite sad actually!    I think this whole paragraph is beyond sad.  First, get over yourself.  He wasn't referring to you luring him into the house at all.  He felt like he was being manipulated by SD and used the term lure.  This has nothing to do with you.  And do you really think you know him better than me?  OK, you have a few more years with him albeit sad and unhappy ones where you stayed in your room and he lived in the basement (great way to teach your kids about healthy relationships by the way) and you basically used him for what little money he did make to keep a roof over your and the kids' heads.  Does he act different with me?  Sure he does because he is in a totally different space now than he was 8+ years ago.   When he is with me, I'm sorry but I don't allow your kids to manipulate him or us.  So if your kids say that he's different when I'm not around, that's because they manipulate him into getting them things and doing things that they otherwise would not ask for when I'm around.  So that statement isn't as hurtful as you'd like it to be.  As well, I've "reduced him to a shell of his former self"?  A number of his family members and friends have said to me that he has grown exponentially over the past 8 years.  He isn't yelled at or manipulated on a daily basis.  He has a wife who actually loves and respects him for the hard working man that he is and for the love he has for all of his children and his family.  He and I are partners.  He doesn't just co-exist with me.  He has grown and matured and has been able to become the man that he was always capable of being.  But I get how that could bother you.  Seeing that he actually has a mind of his own and has grown and matured and has even shown ambition that he didn't bother with before.  Not so much when he was with you, eh?  You're famous for holding people back.  Being less than encouraging.  I mean look at SS.  When was the last time you encouraged him to actually do something good for and with himself?  Oh that's right, you haven't.  

"I have never told SD that "Bob" and I have decided to not talk to you anymore" So you are saying she is a liar and made that up?  I seriously doubt it!  The psychological damage you did to her when telling her that is fkn horrible!  I believer her over you and I will tell her you are denying ever saying that.  This paragraph is laughable!  I did not tell her that we decided to not talk to you anymore.  I am not saying she is a liar but maybe she didn't hear the full conversation that was had at the moment. I cause SD psychological damage?  Are you kidding me??? Wow. If that isn't a deflection I don't know what is.  Shall I name off the issues that have occured just over the past year in YOUR home as her primary caregiver?  Let's do that shall we since you like to play the blame game, let's get real:

- You moved your alcoholic boyfriend into your home exposing your daughter to his drunken episodes (falling down drunk, treating you like crap, you picking fights with him when he's drunk and not leaving him alone).  Oh and again, let's put him in the basement shall we?  Such a loving relationship.  

- You allowed him to smoke weed with SD close by on a regular basis.  I know it's legal but I put it in the same category as alcohol.  Drugs and alcohol were and still are a daily occurence in your home with your friend living there and when you allow SS to stay there. 

- SD began cutting herself!  Cutting herself!!!  Self freaking harm! That should be a major cause for alarm right there.  She's under major emotional distress. But of course, you told us not to talk to her about it.  Like huh??? Do you know anything about cutting?  That poor girl is under so much stress - living with YOU!!! Let's take the night you both had COVID and she cut herself and went to tell you (because you told her to) and you literally lost your mind.  That was one of the most disturbing phone calls I have ever heard.  We had to call 9-1-1 just to get her out of the house and away from you!  That evening proved that you obviously have some serious mental health issues.  Don't think I don't know that you were punching yourself in the head in front of SD.  Screaming at her and threatening to cut yourself too and following her up to her room making fun of her for crying.  You, her mom, scared the crap out of her.  No wonder the poor girl has anxiety and cutting issues.  She is so not in an emotionally safe environment with you.  But did you get her therapy?   You found a pediatrician who prescribed her medication.  God forbid we should get to the heart of what is actually distressing her and give her some healthy coping mechanisms.  Nope, pumping her with medication and not dealing with anything is the best way to go.

- SD calling us to come and get her because of the fighting you and your boyfriend were doing.  And then you had the audacity to tell her the next day that everyone fights and she should get used to it?  Really?  Yes arguments happen in relationships but what was happening in that house?  SD should not have to "get used to it".  

- SD became involved with an older student that you met!  And you didn't bother to think why would a 21/22 year old want to hang out with my 15 year old daughter?   Instead you thought he was nice?  And you allowed her to go to his home on a regular basis?  Like wtf???  She's 15!!! 

- The girls at school - well after what I saw the evening I asked SD why she got sent home from school - I saw a totally different side of her.  Very much like you.  If it's not within her narrative or something she doesn't like to hear, then watch out, eh?  I'm not saying the other girls didn't do anything wrong, but SD definitely didn't handle herself very well either.  Hence why she was the one asked to leave school, not the other girls.  Which makes her no better than the other two.  Oh and btw, "Bob" spoke to the VP as well.  She confirmed that SD does not make good choices particularly when it comes to friends.  That she tries too hard to fit in.  (tattoos say anything to you?? - and that's coming from me who got my first homemade tattoo at the age of 14 trying to be cool - so i kind of have some experience here). But let's tell SD that she has every right to threaten people with physical violence and screaming her head off like a nutbar in public, at school for everyone to hear her is perfectly justifiable.  I guess you would be ok with that because that's how you tend to handle things yourself.  Ever heard of:  You live what you learn?  Well done mom.

- Every time SD has come to visit, she complains about you without any provocation from myself or from her dad.  She just needs to talk to someone and let out her frustrations WITHOUT any judgement.

Shall I go on?  I don't think I need to.  

She does not want to return to your house, "Bob" can pick her up and take her out to eat or go for a walk or something just HIM and HER, that's what she wants, not that she would have the guts to tell you herself.   That didn't last very long did it? Not even two weeks and she was back here.  But her dad told her she had to apologize to me because she and you went off the deep end and accused me of things that were not true.  And our relationship still isn't what it used to be and probably never will be. I think she knows this too.  Because of this riff that you continue to perpetuate - yes, I know you have been talking about this to others, trying to make yourself the victim "I finally put my foot down after 8 years" - give me a break. You have been attempting to control what we do in our own home with SD since day 1.  You have been attempting to control the narrative since day 1. So please. Oh and telling others that you and I are fighting?  You are the only one fighting here. I am not fighting with you.  Never was. I simply don't have the time nor the energy for this crap.   But if you need to make me the bad guy to make yourself feel better, have at it sweetheart (jeez, I used to say that SS - the apple sure doesn't fall far from the tree does it).  I have a clear conscious.   

It IS your role as a step parent to house, feed and have fun with her, the way you think you are being supportive is not coming across as supportive, it is coming across as lecturing and is making her feel horrible about herself.  It is NOT my role as a step parent to house and feed YOUR kid.  Legally as long as she is in our home, as a step parent I am responsible for her health and well being.  That's it.  However, I do play a supporting role in things like implementing and enforcing curfews, punishments for breaking house rules, assigning chores when she is in our home.  You keep saying that I lecture her.  How am I lecturing her and making her feel horrible about herself?  You, her, nobody can give me examples when I've asked.  

A step child should never be punished or lectured from a step parent, it should be the job of her father only but you wear the pants in that relationship so ya, i get why he leaves it to you.  I've never punished SD.  So I don't know where you get off saying that.  Lecture?  You put that in the same sentence stating that I punish her so I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.  Since, I'll say it again, I have never punished her.  I wear the pants in my relationship with "Bob".  That's hilarious.  I have a voice and I use it.  And he does the same. We both have a say and we discuss issues and the like with each other.  He and I are partners. I know you have difficulty understanding that concept.    

Why is it that whenever "Bob" talks on the phone to one of his kids he has to have them on speaker and they have to hear you piping in in the background?  Have you ever thought maybe you should give him them privacy to speak to their father and for him to speak to them without your input? That goes for when I need to speak to him about our kids as well!!  This has got be some kind of joke right?  Are you kidding me?  YOU are always in the background whenever he talks to SD and SS telling them what to say to him.  Wow you're the pot calling the kettle black!  Holy deflection.  But ok, I'll bite:  #1 "Bob"  talks to his kids (SD and SS) at all times of the day.  I am NOT always there. #2 I don't ask him to put them on speaker when they call or he calls them (I know we're mostly talking about SS here so don't bother saying his kids like it's all of them).  And if I happen to be there when he does call or facetime them, are you suggesting I should get up and go to another room in the house?  Nope.  Not going to happen. And when you have called, yes, he puts you on speaker so that he has a witness to what is being said - period.  

I've learned you have many faces.  And you put on whatever face you need to at any given time depending on who you are with.  Your level of cruelty has no bounds when you feel slighted or threatened in any way.  You seem to be determined to continue the cycle of emotional abuse and addiction that runs in your family (you have told me about this) and this will inevitably continue from generation to generation (I already see some of your traits in SD and SS is an addict and has anti-social personality disorder).    

I had tried for a number of years to give you the benefit of the doubt.  But you would always do or say something that would remind me of who you really are.  What's that saying? When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. I believe you.