Countdowns?

Forums:

Hi all.

I think once before I shared my "countdown" until our legal obligations end (more or less age 18), and asked for yours and your celebration plans

I have 106 months left with a toddler and a baby on the way and honestly I need a pep-talk from someone on how to disassociate from the BM BS but not become a disengaged/depressed Mom to my own kids.

Please help. Lol

And also please share your countdowns and any updated plans on how you will toast the occasion or how you toasted it if your sentence is already complete.

Cheers...

Does your SO have a custody

Does your SO have a custody order with his EX? If he does, hopefully there are some teeth that can help HIM manage his ex.

You, do not have to be involved with his ex. don't communicate with her.. don't see her.. you can be a good stepmother without that.

Of course having a toddler and being pregnant is going to be a lot to deal with.. and your SO needs to protect you and your home from overly intrusive situations with his EX.

I would honestly stop your countdown.. it's like NINE freakin years.. all that will do is serve to depress you further honestly. You need to figure out how to enjoy the ride so to speak.. enjoy your kids.. your husband..

In the end.. HE bred with the crazy.. so HE gets to deal with her. and if hearing about her wacky (but toothless) demands makes YOU stressed.. he can just keep it to himself.. and he can do his level best to stick to the custody order.. give her CS when owed.. and extras where mandated.. beyond that.. he has enough to pay for in your home yes?

Yea I look at it every year

Yea I look at it every year or so. When I set it up I was desperate for something that would tell me "this is going to be *sort of* over eventually. Now that I see how slow it counts down doesn't actually make me feel much better so I probably should abandon it.

We can squeeze by for now but it feels like it's just until the next bizarre guilt trip. DH is getting a bit better at realizing we can't actually afford this but I find the financial pressure really distracting. And I'm perpetually annoyed by the discrepancy in what the kids get. There's not a whole lot leftover for the "second family". The legal system seems so broken when it comes to this stuff.

Words of caution: I was doing

Words of caution: I was doing the countdown but knew deep inside that things would probably ramp up before CS legally ended. And they did. Just prepare yourself/yourselves for this possibility (I don't mean fret over it, but just be aware, if necessary, so you aren't taken by surprise). The primary shocker came when SD and BM irresponsibly and with no input from DH made arrangements for SD to go to an out-of-state private college. SD of course ran to DH for financial help after not speaking to him for two years. It was disgusting high-level manipulation (I'll talk to you again!), and he bent over. That wasn't in the plans AT ALL. In fact, both skids could have gotten a free college education at a nice private college where I worked, but no ..... anything related to me was evilllll and forbidden (probably for the best anyway). So, DH shelled out again. Then come the other requests, all from the skids but driven by mommy. DH held tight re: SD's wedding (I was shocked) and only contributed a couple thousand dollars--did not by any means "pay for" the wedding.

We totally disengaged from BM when SD stopped speaking to us; BM was manipulating and wanted to "talk for" SD--it was her way to remain up close and personal in our lives/to have control, and we wouldn't have it. That was two years before CS ended. Yes, there was a boatload of retaliation for barricading BM from our lives (college choices, etc), but it was the only way to keep our marriage together and our lives (mostly) peaceful.

Because I was negatively impacted by DH's financial obligations and choices to support / buy skids who treated us both like crap, he chose to take on most of our bills/living expenses once he stopped paying ransom. That has helped a lot. He has "made it up" to me financially (it was a long road).
I'm still waiting, though, for the big celebration. Hmmm! Now you have me thinking! :)

Ugh, yea I know that more

Ugh, yea I know that more crap will get hurled at us. It always does. The latest is, I kid you not, an implied need for a horse for the daughter. We can probably squeeze enough together for my two kids with me on mat leave but we certainly can't afford to support a freaking pony. My husband can be a bit spineless but I think he knows I will come unglued if we end up paying for that. I can only imagine how much eye batting is going to be encouraged when she wants a big fancy wedding or some bizarre postsecondary program.

And for you...for the love of god, plan some sort of celebration. This life is insane. If you've managed it for any length of time you deserve it

Thinking about countdowns

When DH86 and I got together, I naively couldn't wait to get to know his 3 kids. With my 2, that made 5 kids within a 6-year age range. Reality set in fast and I had a 4-year period of dreading, disliking and avoiding (when possible) his kids. Dont even get me started on BM. Counseling changed my outlook in subtle but radical ways and just in time since they all moved in here full time.. I began to see all 5 as OUR kids. Not seeing them as "yours" or "mine" was key to improving my outlook and life altho its a big leap.

With the age gap between your stepchild and your kids, that might be too difficult. I'm just offering this insight as something to think about. When they all hit their late teens and twenties, I did not experience any kind of countdown celebration cuz it all just seemed like a flow with some of the kids still needing help (financial or moving back in for short periods) for years. Plus, I was busy with working and attending night school during the move out years.

We are retired, age 79 and 86, now and have our little nest to ourselves and it's wonderful. Life is good!

Good luck as you navigate this stage.

This is nice to read, and it

This is nice to read, and it's a good reminder that counselling can be helpful lol. Tough to make time but important.

Do you think it's a

Do you think it's a generational thing? For years, I have repeated, "When I was growing up, my friends all got along with their step-parents, thought the stepmoms in particular were cool." I envied a couple friends of mine who had stable, level-headed moms and (yes, it was true) "fun" stepmoms with flair. The SM relationships seemed so unique. The bio parents either got along just fine (outwardly, at least) or the noncustodial parents were totally absent. As I've mentioned elsewhere, my father had a girlfriend and we all, except mini-wife sister, got along fine with her (mini-wife pretended to, but pushed her out of the way when she could).

Were things so different in families that some of the behaviors we encounter today simply weren't tolerated? One of the differences I see between my DH and my father was that my father naturally commanded respect. I don't know how he did it; he just did. I can't imagine having chosen not to speak to him for two years (as my SD did with DH). He would have shown up on my doorstep. My DH, in contrast, behaved (early on) more like a guilty puppet that needed to please his children, practically begging for their approval. They took full advantage of that. . . the groundwork of their relationships was (sadly) laid there.

Yes, things were different.

Yes, things were different. Parents were actually adults and they parented. Even those on second or subsequent marriages and even SParents. my few years as a Sociology major (one of my many unfinshed Undergrad majors) and my penchant for reading and research, the shift began when the teens and young adults of the late 60s drove the cultural shits then started having children. These children were the generation that was raised from their preteens into their mid 20s under the societal tensiions of that time. Their kids were the first progeny of that shift. The kids of those first culture shift progeny... are the core of the problem, and it gets worse from there.

No standards of behavior. Tolerance for ill behaved disrespectful kids. Demonizing teachers and school staff, Fortunately, there are qualiy adults and parents. Sadly, they are not nearly as visible as the failures. Their kids are damned near invisible because they are quality, like their parents.

SParents are exposed to the former example far more frequently than they are exposed to the later. When the situation is the later, bad is when the issue is their mate, at best it is their X, the absolute terror situation is when it is the kid, the mate, and the X who are the shit.

Because we, the SPs, tend to enter the situation out of love for a new partne often without notable baggage of our own, wanting the best for everyone, the impetus is on us to be observant and require everyone in the mix to behave to standards of behior and performance deceny. Almost no one thinks about that before diving into the blended family adventure.

The days of a broad society in touch with and utilizing goal and standards based parenting are long gone. That has resulted in teachers who cannot or will not keep classrooms under control, parents who blame teachers and schools for the failures of the children, confront teachers, and are frightened of parenting and disciplining their children because more idiots are in the courts, government agencies, institutions of higher education, etc, etc, etc.... We live in a time where the fee fees of the children are the priority, not their quality or preparing them for life as viable contributing adults.

What we deal with, is the tragic example of all of this because we (SParents) often partner at ground zero of the results. We were not necessarily raised in the core of the parental failure models that so many of us marry into. Which gives us clarity that the source of the problem is at best blind to and at worst feeds, nurtures, and avoids dealing with.

IMO.

Countdowns

I have a countdown app on my pone.

Husband is 3 months and a few days away from no more child support (is on the low side anyway, and not too many extras), and I joke that we will be having a party (vacation) that she is not required to attend.

As to the visitation schedule - that has been pretty relaxed these days because her mother got a section 8 paid for 2 bedroom apartment in Beach Town, where her high school is and where all her friend groups are and its close to a top tourist town (job? No job yet! No driving either! Thats what uber is for apparently). Typically its been week on/week off.

As the skids got older and one aged out, theres been a lot less dramz. And I dont see SD17 Powersulk wanting to stay with us in Dusty Ag Town away from friend group.

But we havent had those discussions yet. Husband and I talk about renting the room out to subsidise our already very low mortgage and possibly paying the house off early (by retirement) with the $$.

PowerSulk makes me chuckle

PowerSulk makes me chuckle every time I read it here hahaha

It's nice to detect a bit of an exhale from some of the stepmoms approaching retirement from the drama!

One day...

Don't do the countdown. You

Don't do the countdown. You'll just end up devastated when your SK turns 18 and doesn't launch. In fact it's not uncommon for a BM to go off the rails when she realizes she's no longer getting CS and she'll manipulate the kid into moving in with Dad full time. Dad will only be too damn happy about that and won't want Poopsie to leave. Ask me how I know.

*muppet aliens doing the nope

*muppet aliens doing the nope nope nope nope*

Ugh, don't do the countdown..

Ugh, don't do the countdown... even though it's SUPER tempting.

DH and I just finished filing our joint taxes. Of course he went back and forth with BM for a few days debating "who's year" it was to claim SD13 as a dependent on taxes. I just kept telling myself, "hey we're odd years, so only 2 more times of this crap!"

I have caught DH saying something similar. He told me he doesn't want to wish SD13s childhood away, but at the same time can't wait until he doesn't have to deal with BM anymore. Even when SD13, I think SD will still view DH as an ATM. However, he is pretty aware of how she uses him, so I hope as she becomes a young adult, he doesn't fall for it. As much at least...

The DadATM makes me really

The DadATM makes me really sad. I wonder if these kids ever take a hard look in the rearview later on in life or if they just can't because of how they get warped by their experiences

You know we've 2 years to go

You know we've 2 years to go and it crept up on me so I was surprised it was so short when my husband raised it a few months back. If I'd been counting down for the previous 10 years every month I think I'd have gone insane.

I see child support as another bill to be paid each month. A debt my husband incurred prior to our relationship, just as my student loan is my debt. We will keep paying until the debt is cleared and there isn't much to do about it.

I am under no illusion though that the money will stop flowing out once sd reaches 18. I am fully prepared for my husband to continue subsidizing sd (directly) to some extent, as long as she hasn't completely rejected us by then.

This "debt" view is very

This "debt" view is very pragmatic, and I haven't really thought about it like this before.

Hopefully dealing directly with SD is a little smoother. 2 years isn't long.

Congratulations on the baby.

Congratulations on the baby. You, DH, your toddler, and the baby are poised for great stuff. 106mos appears daunting, it will fly.

Don't blink or you will miss the amazing memories that you can all build together.

Yes, it flies, even with Skids and a toxic blended family opposition in play.

Maintaining perspective that kids grow up and live their own lives, doing it all with someone you can make a life with , engage in a live of adventure, and a love for the ages with, once the kids launch is paramount.

I believe that having established and enforced (In an age appropriate manner) standards of behavior and standards of performance optimizes the positive experiences and outcomes for everyone in the mix. Particularly for the SKid who is subject to a visitation schedule under a CO. Regardless of it being the CP or NCP side.

Those standards allow a SKid to quickly integrate into the family/home dynamic on whatever schedule is in play. It also is a foundation for keeping the opposition bioparent (BM in your case) in their place and keep them clear that they have no place in your home and family, they are irrelevant beyond the CO. Providing the example of confident adults in a healthy relationship, a healthy family, and stabilityh to a COD is hugely beneficial.

We are 13yrs & 6mos and 2wks past the expiration of our CO when SS-31 turned 18yo. He is living a great life, is a viable self supporting adult, a man of character and honor, and a man of standing in his career and his community.

His SpermClan has nearly zero presence in his adult life. Kids are smart, they know who has their best interests at heart. We kept SS abreast of the facts regarding his blended family life in an age appropriate manner as he was growing up. Kids need those facts. To defend them from the toxicity in the opposition side of the mix as they are growing up, and to defend themselves from the toxic once they are adults. The toxic do not stop just because a kid reaches the age of majority.

For background on us, DW and I met when SS-31 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. We raised him together. We are very proud of your son. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen.

DW was never married to the Spermidiot. She was awarded full physical and legal custody at SS's birth. The SpermClan had a long distance visitation schedule of effectively 7wks per year (5Wks Summer, 1Wk Winter, 1Wk Spring). They also had 10 days of Fall visitation in SS's area of residence. They never took that visitation. Not once in 16+ years. There were several periods of a year or more where the SpermClan did not excercise their visitation.

Part of our model was to not badmouth the SpermClan to SS. Keeping him abreast of the facts is a very different thing than critizing. Even now, 13+ after he aged out from under the CO I regularly ask about them and guide him to maintain contact. He tells me he underderstands and also reminds me that he knows who his family is. He gave his mom and me that message a few times as he was growing up.

Don't blink. Or you will be 13+ years into your empty nester years. Invest in the process, the memories, and each other as you and DH raise yoru family. You, DH, and your marriage are the priority, and the foundation of success. The kids will all have their optimal outcome on that foundation. Even SS.

Take care of you. Take care of your family.

Thanks for the reminders. You

Thanks for the reminders. You seem like a great parent, sounds like your son is lucky to have you.

His mom/BM is the rockstar

His mom/BM is the rockstar parent. I was mostly just supporting cast and destroy the SpermClan muscle/financial big stick when necessary. I also tipped the financial scales irrevocably in her advantage when we married. The SpermGrandParents could no longer bully her financially once we married. They attempted to intimidate her into surrendering custody of SS when he was between 1yo and 2yo. We married a week before the custody hearing. She won even without my financial support but that was the point where the SpermClan knew that their bullying of a teen mom was over. She went on to own their idiot asses financially in her own right. A dual major BS, graduate degree, top tier professional certification and a successful professional career put her in a position of earning more than the Spermidiot, SpermGrandHag, and SpermGrandPa combined.

I am proud to be his dad for sure. Being his dad was a major bonus to making a life with his incredible mom. I am proud of my amazing wife, proud of the life we have built together, and we are very proud of the good man we raised. His thre younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas include spawn #2 who is on the dole, #3 who is a convicted felon, and #4 who is not far behind the inmate.

Enjoy hour family and congratulations again on the new little one in the works.

Congratulations on your baby

Enjoy to the fullness this time in your life. Appreciate the good and disengage from the bad. In saying so, you knew that you were getting involved with a man who had other children. These children deserve to have a normal life . And someone to pay the cost going with that. Child can not feel that there whole life is a battle about money.

Read the CO. Slowely every dot matters. See what type of money is court ordered. What is split . Medical is normally split. What it said about when CS ends. How college is handle. If it's handle, or if BM will reopen it. For college. ???
'You should not be talking or texting BM. That up to DH. I would keep BM out of my head. What she does she is going to do.

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