Transported back to pain and feeling powerless....
So it has been 12 days since I have heard from him. Three weeks ago, he was professing his love for me and wanting to reuinte (which was real btw - I've been with the man long enough to know real vs false with him) and I actually thought he might have turned a corner, but his YD-18 put a stop to that. First she punished him for a week after the "white trashville" fiasco (see previous blog) by staying with her mom, then I am very sure she gave her dad (my ex-fiance) an ultimatum: Dandelion or me. So the youngest adult daughter is calling the shots. The OD -almost 22 may be offering her 2 cents as well. Yes, I know my ex is a grown-ass man who should stand up to his daughters, but he does not. He hates conflict and avoids it like the plague. He would rather bow down to YD's wishes than upset her because she might lose her shit (Bipolar and Borderline) to the point of cops being called. It's a circus over there.
O.K., so I have been getting my ducks in a row on my end. All was realtively ok, albeit painful. However, now I just found out that he has been messaging with a girl he works with for the last week or so...nothing flirty, but no need to be talking after work hours. He forgets that our accounts were connected so I can basically see every message he sends via Messenger. IT is just too friendly and not necessary. I am beyond sick about this, but may have built this up to be even bigger than it is. It is likely an ego boost for him to even be talking to someone who is not mad at him (in his eyes), but three weeks after he was ready to turn a new leaf with me, telling me he loves me, etc. ???? I am physically ill. I have been transported back to the early part of this year where I was a physical and mental wreck. I am nearing that state again.
Logically, I would tell a friend to RUN from this situation, but love is so powerful, and don't get me started on unrealized plans and dreams.....even retirement plans together...we bought this house together based on how we would function as we grow older....ugh!!!
Any words of wisdom here?....please, and thank you in advance........
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On Monday, call the three best divorce attorneys in town
On Monday, call the three best divorce attorneys in town and make appointments. Hire the one you feel most comfortable with. You need to find out exactly where you stand financially. This is not the relationship for you. If he was serious about you, he would not be texting a girl from work. You can rationalize it all you want, but there is no legit reason for him to be doing that.
I know you love him, but t take a lot more than love to make a relationship work, and this man has shown you over and over that he is not willing to do what it would take to make this a healthy relationship. If you are not in therapy, that should be your next call. You need some help you work your way through all this.
Notsurehowtodeal - thank you.. I appreciate the response.
He and I are not married, but I do still plan to have an attorney involved. I also am in therapy weekly since January. Between self-work, books, self-reflection, and Xanax (half-kidding), I feel like I was in a good place with him. As afar as I can see, he went to one or two therapy appts several months agao and that it is. He's putting the blame on me. He needs help, but won't seek it. I need help, and have been getting it, and yet, and still feel so unclear. I was considering taking time off of work just to get my head and heart in a better place, but I am not sure that is right either as work might be a nice distraction. Idk. I am in a low state of mind, and need help.
I am not a proponent of leaving work because of him
Do not let him impact your life any further. Lock him in the compost box where rotten shit belongs and get on with living your best life.
I do have a nice compost bin
I do have a nice compost bin in the backyard. Hmm... Seriously, point taken. I will not miss work because of him. My best friend told me the same. Thanks for your input, Rags!
Grief
I think you are having a grief reaction. It's perfectly reasonable. As you say, it's the unrealized plans, dreams, house, retirement. The good thing is that you realize this split is for the best for you, given the influence of the SDs and, now, the ego-boosting conversations with the female co-worker.
I'm glad you say you'd tell a friend in this situation to run. That shows your mind is on the right place even though your emotions are flooding you. Try to just take one day at a time. Keep getting those ducks in a row. Block him, you don't need all that drama.
Breakups are so hard after we have invested so much time and emotion. Better days will come. The two things they say about transitions are one, they're hard and two, they're over at some point.
Hang in there, Dandelion.
i agree about the grief reaction...
yet, I thought I was through the worst part in Jan - March (losing 17#s, not sleeping, on Rxs, etc,) that was so awful I don't wan't to do it again, yet I feel myself spiraling there as I am find myself reaching for the Xanxax again.) This is so incredibly painful. I am not too worried about the co-worker. I really think he likes the attention. Sad, but true.
He is your X. You have zero say on who he communicates with
or how he communicates with them.
HE IS YOUR EX!!!!!
HE IS YOUR EX!!!!!
HE IS YOUR EX!!!!!
HE IS YOUR EX!!!!!
HE IS YOUR EX!!!!!
I can keep going. But I should not have too.
STOP!
Get out of your own way, have zero contact with him and write him and his shallow and polluted emotionally incestuous gene pool off. You ended it, then you didn't, then.........
Stop torturing yourself.
From my own end of relationship history. I had a date the very evening of the day my XW left. I had and have zero regrets about that. What she may have felt about it.... I did not care.
You are not done. You need to be done and stop torturning yourself, and stop giving him or them any space in your head.
NOW!
It may be, that your hyper sensitivity to most likely casual interfaces with women by your partner(s) is part of why relationships for you destabilize. My DW speaks with men all day every day at work. COworkers, partners, clients, etc.... She interfaces with doctors, other patients when she is arriving, waiting, and departing appointments. A number of the men she interfaces with make it clear that they are impressed by her. As a man, her man, I take pride in how amazing she is. We respect each other, our marriage, and do not over weigh interface we each may have with the opposite sex.
Take care of you.
And get out of your way to not interfere with your new life adventure.
I am worried about you. Do not ruin your life by continuing to fixate on YOUR EX!!!!!
Yes, he is my ex. I realize
Yes, he is my ex. I realize he can talk to whomever he wants, as can I. However 20 days ago he was telling me how much he loves me, wants to get back together, discussing our plan we would take moving forward, etc., only to ghost me 7 days later??? That is hurtful, and kind of crazy really. Then a few days after the ghosting starts, he starts talking to a co-worker via Messenger several times per week, just a work thing here or there, but now messaging conversation spanning the length of an hour? This is hard for me to wrap my brain around: he had just told me how much he loves me, wants to move forward, etc, etc, but then his daughter protests so now I'm ghosted. Bizarre on a number of levels.
So yeah, Rags, you're right: I guess I am not done and in my own way. I know I need to get out of my own way, but not sure how. I am fixating. It's just so damn painful, worsened by the fact that I can't rationalize his behavior.
"However"
Do not qualify your statement that he is your EX with "however."
Let me fix it for you: "However 20 days ago he bald faced lied to me to get his way and therefore he plans to go back to the former untenable situation for me because I'm just a convenience to him."
Remember in every relationship there is one who loves more and one who loves less. No such thing as "we love each other equally" despite what popular culture tells you. Everyone demonstrates love in their own way.
Do you want to be on the bottom of the heap again? It's obvious he's just not that into you. Again, what would you tell a good friend or relative that was in this situation to do? Continue beating your head against the wall? Sorry to be so blunt but that is the fact of the matter.
Ouch, that is blunt, but I
Ouch, that is blunt, but I respect that. I prefer people say what they mean without room for nuance. Maybe he's not into me now because his daughters are telling him not to be and he does what they say, but he sure was pursuing me over the summer although I was ignoring him more then. Who knows? So bringing me flowers, telling me he loves me, wants to be back, etc got him what exactly? I am a convenience for what? It's not like we were jumping into bed. So what did any of that get him? (not being naive...I really don't get it...maybe I am trying to rationalize the irrational.)
Stop with the "maybe".
You are maybe-ing yourself into a life of misery. X means X. As mentioned above, there are always inequities in relationships. In this one, you are his X, he is not yours. Only you can make him your X.
He will keep his hooks in for as long as you allow it.
Not nice. Asshole actually. But, human and decidedly male on many levels. Though STalk is ripe with examples of Xs of both genders wanting to maintain contact and control over former partners. Though most of those examples include joint children between the Xs.
Go zero contact. Now. That is the only path to zero care and being able to get on with your best life.
He, no longer matters if you don't let him matter.
This is on you.
As for convenience, yes, that is part of it. You are comfortable and convenient for him. I had some of this during my divorce. As we engaged in marriage therapy, we became less estranged and even more affectionate. Even after she moved out she kept dangling the option of being lovers. Had that occurred, I would have been all over it, though I would not have gone back to the relationship on any other level.
Even immediately prior to the divorce hearing, she kept talking about me staying with her when I was in town on business. I intended at that time to keep my company, attend engineering school 4hrs away, and spend 3days a week in the city where we had been married. She had some wierd need to keep me close though we had not been lovers in more than a year by the time the divorce was final.
Don't ask me why she had that need. And as I said, I would have used her sexually very gladly.... just to be able to stay in her head. I know, not a nice thing, but... man. That never happened.
As it turned out, we never layed eyes on each other again after we left the divorce hearing. I sold my company and left the State so that ended any residual drama. The only time we spoke after that is when she called me. To cry about being knocked up. What should she do????? Cry, cry, tears, tears.
Not my spawn, not my problem.
Then to fight about the house. My house. I got it in the divorce.
Make this easy on you dandelion. Only you can do that. He tortures you, because you allow him to.
Going zero contact ends that. Immediately., and for always.
"You are comfortable and
"You are comfortable and convenient for him." Comfortable and convenient for what? Am I missing someting here? Comfortable and convenient as a potential option down the road? Comfortable and convenient because he still owns half of my house (but pays nothing) and all of his shit is still here so he thinks he can waltz back whenever he wants?
Also I have been in no contact since he last texted me on 9/3. No problem for me at all to stay no contact.
No contact
However he is living rent free in your head (as well as not contributing financially).
Unfortunately that is true.
Unfortunately that is true. He is, and I'm working on an eviction.
I am heartened by the no contact since 9/3.
Comfortable because he knows he can reach out, and you will engage.
But... you are fixing that.
I commend you for that. Keep it up.
Any contact just resets the situation and resets the grief cycle. Do not reset your pain.
I will remain in no contact.
I will remain in no contact. No worries there. I do have a question for you though: when it comes to discussing the house, he is almost impossible to get on the phone. I will not try to discuss serious matters like the house via text so I am considering just having papers drawn up and sent to him. Thoughts?
Not question for me, but I'd
Not question for me, but I'd personally get an attorney and have them do all the communications regarding the house. Don't do any phone calls.
Thanks Nie...
I do have an attorney and was leaning toward having my attorney handle it all. So sad it comes to this, but my ex set the precendence with only wanting to talk via text, or occasionally in person. I just want it done.
Route all communication via your lawyer.
Remain no contact.
Take care of you.
When it comes to your ex my
When it comes to your ex my guess would be a combination of greed (let's see if I can still make him dance to my tune) and a backup plan incase whatever her other plan was goes south. That's some (not a lot but enough) women for you. Want to keep you on the hook just incase.
Stop letting him jerk your
Stop letting him jerk your chain. He reels you back in long enough for you to take him back then he treats you like crap, insulting you, ghosting you. Get rid of him once and for all and take back your life - you owe it to yourself. Get the financial and legal advice you need to get things going with becoming sole owner of the house. If he won't sell his share to you, threaten to force the sale of the house. Follow through, if necessary. The important part is to cut all ties with this useless apology for a man. He isn't worth the time of day.
I hope you have ahd the locks changed since he left because you don't know who has got a copy and you don't know who might empty your home in your absence ...
You have much more power than you think, just don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve it.
I think I have allowed myself
I think I have allowed myself to get reeled back in because I believe he does want to be back with me in our home, but got himself "stucK" as he put it by rescuing his 18 year old daughter and now allowing her to run the show. He thought she would go to college in the fall. She didn't of course. So now they share an 800 sq ft apartment and she brought her cat over. They video game together and watch tv a ton. (Not sure why I am mentioning that, but it just sounds unhealthy for an 18 year to not be spending more time with her friends.) He has spiraled downward since leaving me: videogaming daily, drinking, chewing tobacco, not sleeping more than a couple hours per night likely because he is plagued with the reality and results of the choices he made, etc. Yuck.
"You have much more power than you think, just don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve it." I like this. Thank you. My attorney said something similar about my having more power in this situation.....if I could silence my emotions for a bit, I could power through the logistics.
Why exactly, do you care?
He does not. Except to use you as his emotional baby blanket.
Interesting comment. You are
Interesting comment. You are not the first man to refer to him as a "baby."
Also I don't think he truly cares about anyone but himself. I think the word "narcissistic is very overused, particularly in a clinical, statistical sense, but it has crossed my mind with this one.
You don’t really know your ex
But actions speak. His mini wife DD is in control. He gets to play around have a relationship with a woman as long getting married is out of the question. SD knows if he gets married the new wife will get control of her DF. And his time and MONEY. there is no future with this man. But he wants a bed warmer..so hence the new GF.
Harry, you're right saying
Harry, you're right saying his YD mini-wife is in control and will do what she needs to do to maintain that status. Fun fact: we were engaged and he wanted to get married within a year.....I started seeing the chaos with BM and both daughters and their mental health issues up close and opted out of getting married right away, and wanted to wait for 6 years until the YD turned 18. He hated that I wanted to wait until the YD was 18....didn't understand at all. Well, he left 3 months before she turned 18 so here we are.
Also there is not a new GF. There is a new Ego Boost. I don't see that going anywhere. That would be too much work on his part. I actually kind of feel sorry for her if she is falling for him at all.
Also stop fixating on his
Also stop fixating on his daughter. He's a grown ass man and if she made him choose and he truly loved you and wanted to be with you - he would have chosen you. He didn't. Whatever he said 20 days ago wasn't real, you wanted it to be real and you made yourself believe it.
Delete his messenger account and don't read his messages. Go zero contact, stop torturing yourself and obsessing over him and his crazy clan.
Find a hobby, go out with friends, go on girls vacation, get out of this black hole. I know it's easier to say than to do it, but I've been there and I did it. I know you can do it. One day you'll be so happy and looking back you'll be wondering why you've wasted so much time and emotions towards these egomaniacal rotters.
"He's a grown ass man and if
"He's a grown ass man and if she made him choose and he truly loved you and wanted to be with you - he would have chosen you." I wish this were true, but it is not. His YD is mentally ill and has caused upset in several relationships before he met me. The only reason she gave her blessing with me in the beginning is because she was getting everything she wanted. Her own actions resulted in her being held at arms length to protect our careers, my DD and so forth (refer to previous blogs.) She is the common denominator because HE allows her to be. It has nothing to do with what he truly wants though...it is more to do with how can he keep her bipolar outbursts to a minimum, how can he feel less guilty, how can he make OD and BM happy as well, and on and on it goes. Do I believe he loves me and would rather be home with me? Absolutely. But in the end, he will always take the path of least resistance which is not upsetting the crazy clan.
So tell me why he chooses to
So tell me why he chooses to make everyone else (and they are ALL adults and capable of making their own decisions) happy rather than you?
I said it above. It's the
I said it above. It's the path of least resistance for him. He also feels guilty. He wants to keep his DDs happy for fear of losing them as they told him as much. He puts them first.
No offence, but are you
No offence, but are you really ok with living like that? With never being a priority? With always being disposable?
No, I am NOT ok living like
No, I am NOT ok living like that. This is why I held off on marriage. I was with the man for 8 years, 6 of which we were engaged and I held off on marriage because I kept seeing things that didn't jive with me. Add to it the mental health issues of his DDs, and I had cold feet.
Is being a priority a reality in steplife? Honestly? I think a wife should be the priority particularly since his DDs are adults now. However, many people including him, articles, experts, etc would diasgee with that and say that kids come first, particularly considering his daughter's diagnoses. (Barf. I am sorry but all I see is him enabling her, not helping her. We fought about this constantly. He is doing her a huge disservice in the long run, IMHO.)
Hold it, his daughter is an
Hold it, his daughter is an adult and her conditions are treatable. However, as an ADULT, she is CHOOSING not to follow her treatment. Your ex is CHOOSING to allow his CHILD to dictate his lit. That is
She is no longer a child and should be held accountable not catered to. He should be putting his partner first. I very much doubt anyone said or wrote that he should sacrifice the rest of his life for her... because that is what is going to happen.
Ok, so he actually truly
Ok, so he actually truly wants to be with his girls, not with you. You are just one of the many failed relationships because he only loves and cares about himself and his DDs. Why are you in such denial? Once you realize it and stop convincing yourself otherwise, you'll be able to move on.
In this page there are so many examples of husbands ending up having almost none relationships with their children because they've chosen their wives over their brats. The wife should always come first, end of the story. If she's not first, it means the husband doesn't truly love and want her.
He was with me for 8 years.
He was with me for 8 years. The next longest relationship for him was about 3 years. He loved me to his fullest. (His fullest doesn't mean my fullest.) There is no doubt about that, but it started to dissipate when the subject of his DD came up. So, looking back I see even more red flags about his co-dependent, enabling relationship with his DDs, but it was such a gradual revelation on my part that I wouldn't define it as denial Am I in denial now? Maybe. Although, I was smart enough to wait to marry him despite the pressure he was putting on me.
You said: "The wife should always come first, end of the story. If she's not first, it means the husband doesn't truly love and want her." I also believe a wife should come first, but I don't believe that if he doesn't put her first, it doesn't mean he doesn't love her. I am not saying I accept that stance from him. NOT AT ALL. But I think definition is different. I am having empathy to recognize in his mind, he thinks he is doing the right thing. He might just be a dumbass with misaligned priorities., but again it doesn't mean I want that life.
Honestly, one of the biggest things I was seeking in StepTalk from the beginning was validation that putting the wife first was the norm. The outer reality does not always support this, and this being my first relationship with steps (not to mention mental illness!), I didn't know, and still am unclear. If you took a random survey, I bet most people would say the kids should come first. And I don't believe this, and because I don't believe this, I was a monster. It's all my fault. THIS is what I am trying to reconcile with more than anything.
The reason people say that
The reason people say that kids come first is because the question is too simple and the issue is complex.
Here's the reality:
A parent has responsibility to meet the basic needs of the child. This has to come first. But this requirement is limited. Doesn't mean the child comes first in everything. Just what is appropriate.
The spouse should be the partner in life. Especially if you are talking marriage. Being a partner means coming first when decisions need to be made (like a child should have a say in renovations on the house?), for their relationship and future, etc.
We are talking about two different things. The love, responsibilities, etc are different in most cases between child and partner. Your DH does not understand this as most people who don't understand step relationship don't understand it. What is the point of getting married if a child is going to have a say about the relationship? That's not marrying for partnership and I implore you to ask yourself why he wanted to marry you if he could not keep his daughter at bay?
Oh you are absolutely right
Oh you are absolutely right that in reality in StepHell the wife isn't always first. Unfortunately. But when there is an ultimatum on the table - she or I, and if my husband chooses his adult child, for me it would really mean that he does not love and care about me. Especially after eight years together. He just disposed you, but then he comes back and disappears again just to screw up with your mind. Ok, let's say that it's his guilt and the fact that he has been manipulated way too long to cave in into her mental issues. But at the end he made his choice and that choice wasn't you. Why he keeps doing this to you? If he truly loved you and he couldn't commit because of his sick daughter then the best honor he could do you is to let you go find your happiness. But no, he knows you and he knows you are out there heartbroken and desiring his love, but yet he keeps mentally abusing you with his acts. Is he feeding his ego knowing how miserable you are sorrowing all the dreams that won't come true? Is he a narc for blaming you for the broken relationship with his mentally dyphunctional daughters? He is one very selfish asshole, that is for sure.
None of this is your fault, you don't owe his daughters and family anything. Please start loving yourself and I hope you'll find soon the one for whom you'll always come first. Hugs.
Nie, I have thought the same
Nie, I have thought the same thing in terms of setting me free if he wants to truly commit to his sick daughter. However, I don't think that he has a plan. He has been shooting from the hip, making one bad decision after another, and not thinking beyond a week. Not defending him at all....just how I see it. You'd think someone as well educated as him could discern right from wrong, but nope. You're right, he is one selfish asshole. I don't recognize him anymore.
I do think it is working for him to blame me for everything (yep, narc as you said), but he will see quickly that his YD's sickness will flourish whether I am in the picture or not. He cannot save her. At this point, I am not sure he can save himself.
My advice
IM sorry you are going through this. What your ex has done is called "future-faking" you. Hes now ghosting you, and no more future fakeing.
Now you must allow yourself to grieve not only the loss of your partner, but the loss of the person who you fell in love with, the loss of the life you thought you were going to have with him. All of that, takes time. So, definitely stop looking at the messages with co-worker. Even if there is nothing currently going on (that you can see...) and even if you dont think hed be able to sustaine anything, keeping in mind the time and energy and money youve put into this relationship that he cannot sustain with you, just consider it a good thing hes not trying too hard to win you back again.
((hugs))
Well said
Clove said it right: Grieving the loss of the person you fell in love with. Grieving the life you thought you were going to have.
Thanks CLove. The ghosting
Thanks CLove. The ghosting won't last. He's done this before. I have been in NC most of the time in the past 8 months and he would ramp up the nasty or start making threats about the house to get my attention, or love bomb me. The last several months has been more love bombing. I am quite sure he will reach out again. He has gone this long before. I will not respond when he does.
I have not heard of "future faking" So I looked it up and see it tied to "narcississm" in most explanations which I mentioned above. But WHY? What would he get out of future-faking? Again, just to keep me and this house as an option? Again, am I trying to rationalize the irrational?
Future - faking
Is also tied to cheating. When I saw your comments about him texting a co-worker in a friendly way, I had the word "grooming" pop into my head..
Why is he doing it? What does that matter? Sure, hes keeping his options open and attempting to string you along. If he has a pattern of ghosting you then popping up again, if hes love bombing you, then ghosting...I think I lost the thread of whats happening NOW vs what has happened over time. To me, you are prolonging the complete separationg. You are trying to unravel the ball of his effedupness yarn. Detangling the why, keeps you engaged. Like that book that is really bad, but you feel like you need to finish it completely because you have "sunk cost" of 6 plus years.
Again, Im sorry you are in pain, this too will pass.
This whole thread is filled
This whole thread is filled with poor justifications for his terrible behaviour. So what he had a hard childhood? So did I but I don't use it as an excuse when I misbehave. You are playing psychologist, with a bias. Two big no-nos. You are making him a victim of his circumstances. No one likes a victim. People want a suvivor. Someone who has learnt from their past and has progressed. This guy is regressive, or at the very least, stagnant.
Fine. He loves you. But love is not enough.
I do think you're in denial, big time. You keep repeating "he loves me", "I was engaged for 6 years and held off because of red flags" like this is a big accomplishment or you've succeeded some way. Girl, SIX years you waited for him to shape up. SIX years engaged and where are you at now? Think of all the things you could have accomplished in SIX years if you had dumped him way back when you should have?
I hope when your emotions aren't so heightened that you can reread the feedback you received in this thread with a clearer mind and absorb it. You need to toughen up and look at this situation for what it is and make a move.
Oh, and I forgot to comment
Oh, and I forgot to comment on the ghosting and messaging with his coworker.... you've been discarded for a shiny new object. Cold. Discarded. Now what does that say about him and please do not justify this behaviour but seriously reflect what this says about him after being with him for EIGHT years.
Any shine she has in based on
Any shine she has in based on the glow she gives his ego. Good point though, and taken.
Thank you. I appreciate and
Thank you. I appreciate and welcome the honest, non-sugar-coated truth. Yes, I just re-read this thread and can see how it must be exasperating for some of you to look at this and not want to scream at me to get my head out of my ass (thank you, Rags!
It was really well taken.)
What I am saying to you is that I SEE WHAT I DID WRONG in the relationship, and this realization is keeping me held hostage in my head. I did keep his YD away from our house as much as possible because I was genuinely frightened of what she might do. Would she hurt my DD physically? I doubt that. I was more afraid of his YD's erratic behavior and my DD witnessing this at such an impressionable age, not to mention what his YD has accused both of her parents of in the past and not wanting that on me for fear of losing my eductional license. So I wonder if I could have taken a different approach. He blames me for all of it, but I will claim 50% if it.
So as I said above, I think what I was searching for here in ST is to 1) hear that the wife should come first NO MATTER the circumstances; and 2) it's not all my fault because I wasn't more empathetic to his YD's plight in the last few years.
And you're right about the six years being gone....but hey, I didn't marry him, and I celebrate my wisdom in that.
You are doing fine... just commit to him/them being a write off.
I think that it is time for you to stop recycing him/them in any way. Stop disecting the relationship failure. He failed. Not you.
Yes, all failed elationship have some elements that each partner contributes to. However, there is a balance sheet in that. Rarely is it 50/50. In the case of this failed relationship, you accepting 50% is way overstepping on causal elements.
Don't punish yourself.
Thanks Rags. He has
Thanks Rags. He has scapegoated me for the demise of our relationship saying I would not welcome his girls. I could write pages of things that I did that were kind, giving, welcoming, etc. However, the effed up behavior of both girls, particularly the youngest was not something I could easily take on. Few could. He couldn't which is why he had her live with BM full-time before we ever moved in together (see previous blog about her false claim of abuse and such, and his concern of subsequent false claims). Aparently this is somehow my fault too. He has conveniently forgotten so many elements of the breakdown.
I think a lot of stepparents
I think a lot of stepparents get hate for disliking their partners' kids. But - in some cases it's because the partner's kids display such egregious behavior that the stepparent can't stand to be around them. In other cases it's because the partner's behavior changes dramatically when their kids are around. If the partner doesn't see a problem or is too afraid to deal with the problem, the stepparent can either leave or try to minimize their exposure to the situation. There is really no good solution that allows the couple to stay together AND the bioparent to spend as much time with their kid(s) as they would if everyone got along. It is what it is.
As far as the texts with the coworker, idk what your ex's intentions were. You saw the texts, so you would know better. BUT - if your partner was going out of his way to have lengthy chats with a single woman from work that he didn't used to talk to outside work, he very well may be trying to line up his next victim. Consider that a sign. One of many signs including the fact that none of his behavior points to this working out. "Welcome to trashville?" SMH.
It's so sad that men like OPs
It's so sad that men like OPs EXBF won't ever be satisfied by just living with their needy children and dedicate their life to them. I wouldn't blame them if this was their choice of how to live their life. But they keep getting into relationships when it's so obvious that they fail because of their baggage. These men keep losing their partners because of their screwed up children/BMs/relatives and not only that - they put the blame on the SMs. Once they dispose of the partner that wasn't approved by the crazy dynasty, they move on to their next victim. So sick.
I remember how my ExH was flooding my messages of how much he loves me and can't live without me, and how important is for us to work it out for the sake of our child. Months later I opened an old device that had his messenger logged into and I read some messages he exchanged with other women pretty much at the same time he was swearing his love to me. The only difference between my situation and the OPs is that I wasn't in love with this man anymore and I could see through his fake claims.
Yep, Nie, it is sad. You're
Yep, Nie, it is sad. You're right, if he wants to focus on her, then so be it, and don't involve anyone else. (Imo, he should NOT dedicate his life to his YD because it is perpetuating the problem and forcing her into regression. She is so far from launching since she starting living with him this year.) I believe that he KNOWS the truth deep down, but it is too hard to face. It's easier to blame it on me, or someone else.
"...the partner's kids
"...the partner's kids display such egregious behavior that the stepparent can't stand to be around them. In other cases it's because the partner's behavior changes dramatically when their kids are around.." In this case, it was both of these scenarios.
If the SD really is a BPD
If the SD really is a BPD then buckle up because they are the WORST to have to deal with. They will make your life hell and they won't stop, especially if you can't cut them completely out of your (and your husband's life). The only option is going no contract and hoping they forget about you for a time.
He's going to be her chained little puppet forever until he gets sick of it and cuts her off. But being that she's his daughter, that's going to be very hard.
Yes, the YD is diagnosed with
Yes, the YD is diagnosed with both Bipolar DIsorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. My ex wanted help so I arranged the whole eval years ago. As a result, she was in a good place on meds for a bit, but then she didn't like the way they made her feel so her BM let her go off of them. She has been in a psych ward at least 4x. It has been an up and down battle like this since. Every week there was a new drama. I asked him if he realized that typical families don't live like this (with constant drama) and I don't know if it ever dawned on him.
My prediction is that YD will do something outrageous and he will have no choice but to see the situation for what it is and not allow her to live with him anymore. I think that will happen sooner than later, but I will not be around for it.
"I asked him if he realized
"I asked him if he realized that typical families don't live like this (with constant drama) and I don't know if it ever dawned on him."
Does he by any chance come from a dysfunctional family? SD had to get it from somewhere, whether by genetics, chaotic upbringing, or both. I've found that people from personality-disordered families can have normal lives, but they have to want to break the cycle and have to put major boundaries in place.
It seems YSD may have gotten
It seems YSD may have gotten it from both genetics and chaotic upbringing. BM presents like she has BDP, although not formally disgnosed to my knowledge. She also seems to have Munchausen and Munchausen By Proxy ( I think it's called Factitious Disorder now, or some such thing.) BM's side supposedly has 13 suicides in it. I read that in an eval report on YSD. I am not sure I completely believe that, but regardless, it is still the info that YSD has been given her whole life. And yes, ex-fiance's family is definitely dysfunctional.
Here, there was an attempt to put boundaries in place (nothing outrageous - just boundaries that kids need and crave,) and that is ultimately what made me out to be the villian. Although my ex and I actually made the rules together, when push came to shove, they became "Dandelion's rules." (Funny, my DD doesn't have any issue with them at all!)