Is he losing it?
So after work, FH sends me this text:
"Hang on, call me. I need to make someone feel shitty. You in? Doesn't matter, I'll do it anyway."
Then followed with: "Wait... That's your gig."
What on Earth??? It sounds like drunk talk but it was the same time he gets out of work so I know he wasn't drinking....so is he losing it?
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He's basically saying that
He's basically saying that you make him feel "sh-ty" whether he likes it or not. ("that's your gig"). He sounds immature
Immature, yes. Imo, if
Immature, yes. Imo, if sharing my feelings with my FH makes him feel shitty, then perhaps he needs to look at himself. I was kind during the phone conversation, but honest. I didn't swear, yell, or anything of that nature. Just shared my feelings which he has not been "hearing." Ugh!
He is trying to be snarky and
He is trying to be snarky and witty, but it just comes over as pathetic.
Yes, I agree
Yes, I agree that it comes off as pathetic. It was immature, a turn-off, and actually made me miss him less.
FH should be changed to stbx.
FH should be changed to stbx.
Interesting. Right after I
Interesting. Right after I had orinally posted this, I thought that I should have used SO instead of FH. I need to get to STBX. One minute it is very clear and th next minute I am backsliding in my head. If someone else told me my story, I'd say run now, but being in it is so muddy. Trying to stay strong....
Easy peasy - ask yourself why
Easy peasy - ask yourself why you would even consider marrying someone who didn't put you first and who'd stand by and let other people walk all over you.
Easy in the logical sense,
Easy in the logical sense, but not so easy from the heart. I know the answer, but I keep thinking he will be get an epiphany. (insert my own eye roll here...) Please keep the wisdom coming....I need to get out of this hole. I climb up a foot, slide down a foot, and continue this, staying in the same place....immobolized.
Darn autocorrect!
*originally
Read through your previous blogs 1-4
And what really stuck out at me was this quote from 1:
"He refused, and flat out told me that my feelings didn’t matter, called me a pretentious bitch, told me to fuck off, etc. He said he will not adjust the calendar date and will not compromise. (This is a well-educated man btw.) He drinks too much and says harsh things."
It sounds like he tried to bully you into accepting things that you know down deep you should not accept, and then when you did not, he doubled down on it and NOW is too far in and cant back out without feeling foolish and looking foolish (but he already does anyway).
Your comments tell me that you are divided, and second-guessing yourself. Print out your blogs, and journalise so that you do not second guess. Do you really and truly think this can work out long-term? There are a great many issues (mini wife, bi polar) that the skids have and that wont get better over time.
You can take a few different approaches:
1. Consult an attorney about the house. See what your options are. For example buying him out. Taking over mortgage payments.
2. If you truly want to get a separation from him, try to go no contact. Get you paperwork ducks in a row. Focus on your DD11. She needs you.
3. Build your team of people around you to support you. You probably feel really alone right now. You are not convinced its bad enough to leave. "hes a wonderful man and partner and lovely to my child except he wants to put HIS two children first!" Thats a deal breaker that he doesnt want to put you first. His children are adults, and dont NEED his care. They need a relationship, but they are not as dependent.
You sound very intelligent and logical, and your confusion sounds like your head is battling with your heart. Love is not enough.
Thank you for the different
Thank you for the different approaches, CLove. I need to see these in print. I think I need to combine all approaches. I do feel alone right now and wonder if it is bad enough to leave. Again, you nailed it!
So The Beatles were wrong?
So The Beatles were wrong? Love is All You Need isn't true it seems, not in StepHell at least, huh?! Yes, CLove, you nailed it when saying my head is battling with my heart. As I told Winterglow, I am hoping there is an epiphany on his part. I also think you nailed it by saying he doubled down and now is in too far and can't back out without looking foolish. My guess is on some level he KNOWS he is being foolish.
Why can't he just detach from the circus, and see it for what it is? I really don't understand it. It must be guilt-fueled. As a parent, I believe that I would do what I needed to do, even if it was hard, if it helped my DD11 be a better person for life. I already do it. The constant excuses for his daughters' poor behavior as well as subtle defensiveness of the BM (who is a total POS btw - she's nuts) is frustrating. If he would jsut call a spade a spade, so much would be better on all the levels involved. They need tough love. The other approaches have not worked. Of course, I am a know it all, pretentious bitch though, right?!
Dandy
You are trying to "logic" your way back into this relationship. Or maybe "logic your way out"? Either way, its really apparent that you need to get out (from what you posted), and your state of inertia needs to be broken through. This time apart is really really good. Take more time, it sounds like your inertia needs more time.
Or maybe you need more pain to break it? More of his calling you names and being a jerk? Like with my SD23 Feral Forger, it took almost a year for me to respond to a nasty text she had sent. When I heard about how nasty she was being to others, I decided to "poke the bear" and bring it on. She responded how I though she would. And now, shes been nasty enough that the scorched earth has burned any chances of moving back in to non existance.
Maybe thats what you need. For things to get REALLY scorched-earth, nothing remains of the goodness BAD, for you to get past this point of "trying to understand". I am saying this from a point of experience. Here in stepland we sometimes call it "relationship death of a thousand cuts". We allow ourselves to get stuck in the muck of a relationship until it gets to the point of we have to move out or change locks and all in secret with visits to attorneys.
You are going down the right path. Continue.
Maybe I am trying to logiv my
Maybe I am trying to logiv my way out....Interesting viewpoint. I have nver heard "relationship death of a thousand cuts," but wow, is that true! Maybe I am waiting for that one final cut, so to speak, to seal the deal. I don't know. Yes, it is apparent that I need to get out. If anything, my posts have understated it. Two of my closest friends have been begging me to get out. But you're right, my inertia does need time. I am exhausted and need energy to have intertia. (sounds redundant, but you know what I mean.) My elderly mother broke her hip last month and that has been a whole world of learning as well as both emotional and physical exhaustion to get her settled. Her situation is far from over. Meanwhile my father is in a 24/7 nursing facility with stage 6 dementia and no use of his legs. He may or may not recognize me when I visit...more often not as of late. His situation is far from over. I also work full-time in a stressful job and, most importantly, I am trying to raise a well-rounded, kind, polite, self-advocating DD11 who is all of those things and more. (She is amazing!) Forgive me if this sounds like whining. It is not. I am just trying to illustrate that I am burned out.
I will continue down this path as I know it is right for me and DD, but I am asking for your help along the way, if you will give it.
Ugh - the typos! Typing too
Ugh - the typos! Typing too fast!!
Awe Man
Sounds like you could use a hug too!
(((digital hugs)))
You have a lot on your plate. Vent away, journalise on here as much as you need to. My eyes are here for you. Im rooting for you to get away and live your best life apart from this mess.
The epiphany may come but it
The epiphany may come but it's not going to happen quickly. Many men are so stubborn and prideful, the epiphany doesn't happen until they've LOST a good woman.
Expecting him to have an epiphany after a few days or a couple weeks is unrealistic. He doesn't take you seriously. He can sense that you're waffling because you are still trying to get him to see your POV.
Go. Quiet.
Stop. Discussing.
Talk. to. an. attorney.
Instead of being stuck on pause take action based on what he's telling you now. Right now, what he's saying and doing is telling you he doesn't respect you or care about you. Act accordingly. Start getting your ducks in a row to handle the house.
If he's a heavy drinker, chances are that he won't have an epiphany until he hits rock bottom. Do you want to hit rock bottom with him?
My bet is on he texted the wrong #.
Who else would he text that
Who else would he text that to? That was definitely meant for me....it just wasn't well done.
It didn't make sense.
Maybe an old friend?
I have messaged a friend when I was still in an sms thread with my DW. She was confused, I had to explain. Then send the message to the person I thought I was sending it to originally.
I did respond with "???", but
I did respond with "???", but never got a response to that. I did get some disrespectful texts this evening though. There was no doubt with these recent texts that he is drunk, or starting to crack.
IMO, he did it to be a poopie
IMO, he did it to be a poopie head and get any kind of response from you.
Agreed. He was looking for a
Agreed. He was looking for a response this evening as well.....tell me, am I naive to ask what purpose does that serve? Does he think if I respond it's an indication of my wanting to be with him? I don't understand the language of poopie!
Who knows?
Don't respond. Block and move on.
This guy is a waste of space.
This guy is a waste of space.
Don't get sucked in to this back and forth texting, trying to understand where he's coming from etc etc ...
You know what you have to do. Take your daughter and move on.
Well said. This has echoed
Well said. This has echoed in my head since reading it. I am holding firm right now, but I feel like I do get sucked into the "trying to understand" part. I always like to understand behavior - doesn't mean I excuse it though.
Healthy couples and partners don’t communicate like this
When tough conversations need to be had, no matter how difficult, you don't behave petty like op husband.
if this is the way he intends to behave and communicate as, he shouldn't be in a relationship
Exactly. I told him that
Exactly. I told him that perhaps he shouldn't be in a relationship, and then it was me "judging him." Sigh.
He’s trying to play the victim, invalidating your feelings and
Concerns, then gaslighting you at times like its all you. Problems in a relationship or marriage aren't always one sided, they take 2 people. 2 people not in harmony with one another, not on the same page together, 2 people not in agreement with one another etc.
your partner needs to cut the reverse psychology crap he's trying to pull.
even i told my husband years ago, he knows i am direct and straight to the point. If i feel his kids from ex are being disrespectful and i experience certain things or i feel he is neglecting us and our relationship and putting it last, i will tell him
if he makes pathetic excuses to justify the crap, i will call him out on it. He needs to understand with clear directions this isn't something i will tolerate and if he is interested in building a future with me and our 2 kids together, there needs to be big changes.
we were in our 3rd-4th yr of marriage when i had real concerns divorce was the only way out. I made it clear i would not remain in this toxic marriage toxic home environment where we were raising 2 young kids that my husbsnd promised the cycle of dysfunction with skids would not continue in our household/family and marriage and in fact he was encouraging and perpetuating the dysfunction to continue.
when he realised this was happening, big changes happened and he even prevented ss20 from even coming home from college because he was trying to figure out how to handle him.
ss realized over time what a piece of shit bio mum he had and our 2 kids, they look upto him as a brother, he is their family too and they want to be w and have a relationship etc which he doesn't have with his full sisters (that relationship is painful to watch them even communicate with one another its so artificial)
you need to be firm and direct and let him know this is not on. Even when i knew some things would come out harsh, i would message hubby whilst he's at work (this is how we do it and it works for us) and i would say i'm sorry if it upsets you but i need you to understand this from me and how i feel and he'd get it. As angry as i was, i was still communicating to him so we could work on things. I wasn't being a petty prick- thats childish behaviour
I used to get these kinds of
I used to get these kinds of texts from my XH, usually between 1:00 AM and 4:00 AM. They'd range from "I love and miss you" to "you're a f*cking b*tch and I hate you". He'd want to talk, then when I'd be willing to listen, he didn't have anything to say. Or he was upset at me because he couldn't afford his bill or thought I took too much from the joint account we'd had.
People who are content with the relationship they have lose their everloving minds when they don't have their relationship anymore. Doesn't matter that you've told them for years that something bothers you or you have a boundary they keep stomping on. Doesn't matter that you've told them that you're unhappy. They're happy and fine, so they don't get why you'd "all of a sudden" not be okay with it.
So they punish you. That's all this is. Punishment. They think if they make you feel bad enough that you'll apologize and come back. It can work. Did with me for a few months. But eventually you hit a point of mental exhaustion. You just can't deal with it anymore.
My advice? Figure out how to break free from him. Buy out his half of the house or ask him to buy you out or put the house up for sale. Ask an attorney what you're entitled to. Start the eviction process. Whatever you have to do to get away.
At this point, it doesn't matter whether him wanting to spend the weekend with his DD is reasonable or not. You both make good points on that front. But, he has made it clear that he'll do what he wants and you'll deal with the consequences if what he wants doesn't go according to plan. That's not a good relationship with or without SKs.
Thank you for this. I am
Thank you for this. I am worried about sliding back just as you said you did for a few months. Right now, I am holding strong and told him to not come home, but ultimately it is his house too, so I do need a plan. I really appreciate all of you that have given insight, feedback, and advice. Without all of you, I am not sure I would be convinced that my idea of him putting me first was even reasonable! Keep it coming....I have a feeling I am going to need it.......
Is it possible that he wants
Is it possible that he wants to break up with you but is too much of a coward to actually do it and therefore is trying to push you to be the one to break up? He wants to present himself as the injured party ...
If that's what he's trying to
If that's what he's trying to do, it will make OP the "bad guy" and him the "victim". Then he can boohoo to everyone how he was trying, but OP heartlessly dumped him. *crazy*
Exactly!
Pathetic, isn't it?
No, I don't think that is it.
No, I don't think that is it. I get what you are saying and contmeplated that at one point, but there has been too much that would have allowed him to die on that hill. He would come back to the house right now if I said o.k. He texted earlier that he wants this to work out, apologized for crappy texts, etc. I can tell he wants to be back. I told him the time apart was good. He questioned why which led to a whole text diuscussion which was exasperating because he just wasn't hearing me. No matter how many ways I said "if you want your relationship with your adult daughters to come before me and my needs, that's a problem," he was not letting it soak in. I could tell. He just doesn't get it.
I for one don't really care about or want to hear about
someone's feelings except when it is appropriate.
It is their thoughts and opinions that I want to hear. Feeling is not a cerebral analysis tool. People who act on or decide on something based on feeling rather than intellect are generally destined for disappointment.
Feelings are the spice of life, but they are crappy analysis tools. Embrace feelings when it is appropriate and shelve them when problems need to be resolved or decisions need to be made. The tingly feels are not for consideration when it is time to act.
IMHO of course.
Rags, one thing that I have
Rags, one thing that I have consistently appreciated about your posts is that you sum up situations succinctly. I have also appreciated your humor with polluted gene pools, and what not. Lol for real multiple times.
Thanks for this response. You are right about feelings not being tools for analysis. I'll try my best to remember that when I start going down a wormhole of emotions! I have received so many nuggets of wisdom from this group already - things that reverberate in my head. Thank you.
Dandy,
Dandy,
I am simple. After all I am a man. What can I say.
Just take care of you and make this all as easy on yourself as you can.
Regards,
Rags
Oxytocin is a powerful drug.
Oxytocin is a powerful drug. You need a couple weeks break for the levels to go down.