Do step problems ever end?
The short answer is no. I'm 78 and SD is 61. I've written about her before - manipulative, sneaky, addicted thief. She's on disability and we subsidize her living expense elsewhere after her last disastrous stint here.
I try to stay disengaged and maintain a civil and polite relationship for DH86's sake. I seldom engage in conversation with her if I can help it. She called me last night about a minor matter then began discussing her confusion, disorientation, problems driving. She's scared. I said it sounded like early onset dementia and she said her doctor had discussed it, too. Of course, she is looking for a drug to fix it tho I told her there was no cure.
As I look forward, I'm wondering what will happen. We will definitely never have her living here again. I'm already overseeing 2 people with dementia, my 100yo mom in a nursing home and my DH86 who is showing the usual symptoms.
SD61 said she needs somebody to help her and I reminded her of that federal program which pays a caretaker, she had mentioned it earlier. Her unemployed daughter, C, is a perfect candidate. But C apparently doesn't want to do it, not that I blame her. She has 2 more kids but her son has been distancing himself for years. The other daughter, M, is a full time teacher and has 2 small kids.
When Mom was diagnosed, I realize now how hard it must have been to give up her car and control of her finances. She was always a control freak but she had the maturity to do it. SD61 will have a really hard time, not so much cuz of control but cuz she's so rebellious. It will be quite hard for her to admit someone else is in charge. It won't be me, I've already bern there with her.
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She's on disability and
She's on disability and Medicaid, right? That's actually good for you. The state assumes responsibility for all of her care. A lot of people around here get family members on the government payroll to be caregivers, but they aren't always the best choice and sometimes just pocket the money doing minimal assisting. If SD gets diagnosed with dementia, look into getting her a personal care aide. If it gets really bad, the state will cover the full cost of a nursing home.
The reality
When C won't be the caretaker, the alternative will be to hire a stranger but I knows SD, she can't get along with people very long. It will be a revolving door. I wonder how bad it has to get before the state puts her somewhere.
Another issue
Another issue will be SD's expectations. Ideally, a helper would straighten out her finances, monitor or create a calendar, make sure she's taking meds correctly, drive her to appointments. SDs idea is a free cleaning lady with her directing, "clean this, clean that, do some laundry". She's always been very secretive about finances and will have a great deal of trouble giving up driving.
People never change
When it comes to mental health problems it only gets worst as they get older. They may be crazy but they know the system. Know how to answer all those questions by DR.s I know it just hurts when someone your are trying to help. Disrespect you, steal from you. Does thing unkind to you. But you are the better person, sometime, some where you will be rewarded for your help.
Ive gone through this and this how I feel. I will be rewarded somehow
Thanks, Harry
I'm sorry you've gone thru this. But I'm glad to have your wisdom here.
I'd slowly lose my mind if I
I'd slowly lose my mind if I had to deal with stepkids shenanigans past the expiration date.
That's good you know your limits and refuse to get roped into the chaos she's going to bring.
Been there, done that
Lilly, you can't believe the amount of chaos she's already brought in my life. Even DH, her biggest lifelong enabler, is backing away.
The only way they end without
The only way they end without death or divorce is no contact. My husband and I are no contact with my stepson and his wife. I intend to keep it that way on my end. My husband, if he chooses to resume contact, will have to visit them away from our home. I will not be involved at all.
I do worry about forced contact when MIL passes and when my husband passes, unless I go first. I have no intention of letting them know when/if dh passes before I do and I will come back and haunt my husband if I pass before he does if he tells them and they show up at my funeral. My family, including and especially my bios, don't need a couple of backstabbing liars around them pretending they give a rat's behind about me or them.
Your SD is in for a rude awakening. Her kids are not going to want to deal with her long term with the way she acts. It's long past time for her to grow up and stand on her own two feet. Her dad isn't able to help her. He needs help himself. You have your hands full and it's not your responsibility anyway. It's good that she has Medicaid. They can pay for the help she'll need. I feel bad for the help though.
Rude awakening
I agree SD is in for a rude awakening and I also agree that I'll be sorry for the caretakers. She's a mess, can't figure things out, is often confused, forgetful I won't drive with her, too scary. I just hope she doesn't have an accident and hurt anybody else. It's hard to watch
Good riddance, i hope for you
Good riddance, i hope for you that she loses her marbles and ends up on the street as X lol
OSS21 is completely out of his mind and living in the street. He cut off his dad because dad wouldnt give him a job after he stopped showing up and requested an advance on his pay then went full no contact. My husband was paying for his therapy but he quit going and does week/shrooms instead.
I used to feel bad when I would hear that he sleeps in his car but I stopped after he brought drama to my house a few months back when he moved in as an adult to "try to get back on his feet"....
It never truly stops until the parents die. I am no contact now but if my husband passes away, i will go full scorch earth on the steps (no names/addresses/mutuals would be left for possible contact). My "relationship" with them ends when he passes away
It does not end until the parents are dead and gone. Good luck to you
Your SS sounds like a mess
Ungrateful, unwise, delusional. We did that move in "to get her back on her feet" several times. Never again. I'm like you, when DH dies, I want no further contact with her tho I'll still have contact with the stepsons and DH's 6 gkids, if they wish. I have paid my dues with her. These "kids" don't realize they can wear out their welcome with a stepparent, unlike a bio parent.
Your SD's welcome wore out a
Your SD's welcome wore out a long time ago! It's sad, because it sounds like her "dementia" is that her brain is literally fried from drugs and atrophied from years of coddling and enabling.
The drugs
Imo, the drugs really did a job on her. It's sad to watch. Back in the day when she lived here as a teenager, whatever else I thought, I considered her our strong, streetwise, survivor daughter. That's all gone now.
Yes indeed. Perhaps if they
Yes indeed. Perhaps if they treated me nicer or with care (even fake), i would have thought of doing like you and keeping contact with some of them. Hopefully she wont use her siblings to get to you
Im outsky
I am definitely prepared to not be in anyones life after husband passes, if I am still around, with him.
Ive actually put myself through the thoughts of when this might happen, how I will adress things like personal item distributions.
And as to skids stuff, I would pack that chit up myself because I wouldnt want them to step one more foot in my home after the chit they put me through over the years.
JRI
I have put you up on the pedastle of what our futures might look like and what you DONT want them to look like.
But thank you for all your kindnesses, and wisdome. Im glad you are here for us.
Too bad your SD60 is so crazy. And enabled. I see SD24 Feral forger as being much like her. Husband always liked to tell me "shes a survivor and no matter what she will do well".
Thanks, Clove
Thanks for your kind words, Clove. I get a lot out of this site, support and belated understanding of the steplife dynamic.
Sigh...elder care
I've gone thru it, too, with Mom100. It's an endless trip. I don't know if SD is bad enough yet to go. But she could definitely use the caretaker, not that it will be easy for the poor person.