So sick of this — need advice
We don't have a lot of rules in our house. Keep your room clean, take dishes to the sink, etc.
But one big one we have: SS12 is not allowed to have food or drink in his room. DH used to allow it, but SS wasn't responsible about bringing dishes back to the kitchen or throwing away wrappers. After an incident where the dog got into a jar of peanut butter (which SS left, open, in his room), DH shut it down.
Yet it continues.
We have found wrappers, empty soft drink cans (we no longer buy those), etc. Once I actually caught him in the act of sneaking something upstairs. DH has talked to him, warned him. He has access to plenty of snacks and is only denied if he asks too close to dinner. He just had to eat it downstairs.
Today, SS didn't pull his door to and our smaller dog went in there, so I followed. Hershey's wrappers on his bed.
I'm livid. I'm also sick of telling DH about it. We do NOT want bugs or pests in the house (SS has been told he'll foot the bill if it happens). Otherwise I'd just let it go.
The lying is an ongoing thing, too. He has to turn in all electronics at bedtime. Recently, he looked DH in the eye and lied to him three different times in one week. He said he didn't have his Nintendo Switch, left it at BM's. Nope. I saw it because I unpacked his bag when he came over. He finally fessed up and DH confiscated everything for the week. No impact.
He lies about doing or turning in assignments and nearly flunked three classes last semester.
I realize many of these things are things to stay out of. Not my circus. But the food thing -- this is my house, too. And if our dogs got into something that could hurt them...
Anyway, DH keeps trying to address it (he's a neat freak and is even more bothered than I am) but it doesn't do any good. Any consequences blow right by. He knows he'll be back at his mom's soon, where he's free and clear. (He lies there, too, but her response to DH is a shrug and "I don't know. It's just how he is.")
Anyone else dealt successfully with this?
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Lock it up!
So hes to foot the bill at 12 years old?
Lock all food up. Nanny cams for the lying. Review video footage in the evening. Disengage a bit more.
Well, it would depend on what
Well, it would depend on what it cost, but, yeah, he'd have to pay a big chunk of it. This kid has more money in his piggy bank than you could believe. (For reference, BM's parents handed him $1,000 for finishing elementary school.) He can afford it.
I've floated the lock idea before. Probably time to suggest it again.
No, don't float it just do it
No, don't float it just do it. I had problems with SDs getting into my home repair cabinets and taking things I needed to actually fix stuff around the house. After 3 times of this and DH either saying or doinn NOTHING about it viola - I installed locks and never lost anything again.
You can giver your DH one more chance, by X date if the food in the room issue isn't dealt with and resolved you will be installing locks on things.
It's mindboggling - same issue with my OSD, to the point of mold and other filthy things in her room (it's in my blogs) and I would go in there when she was gone and do "clean sweeps" with no care involved - if it looked dirty or shouldn't be there it was gone. I discussed it to death with DH before i started doing this and NOTHING changed and I will not have vermin the the house. OR things that make my cat sick (happened twice!).
Your DH might have to search
Your DH might have to search his bag and pockets when he arrives because the chances are that he brings his crap with him. He's eating chocolate? Leaving any lying around could be fatal for your pets... Yet another reason to disallow food in his room.
He definitely searches his
He definitely searches his bags. Not the pockets so far. Last week we found some stuff, which went in the pantry. We discovered that a lot of the candy was coming from school. They give it as rewards. In this particular case, he's getting the chocolate here because DH's mom sent him a big bag of it for Valentines.
But, yes. Chocolate lying around could be disastrous, particularly for our very inquisitive dachshund.
What I would do
What I would do might not be what you would do, but I've been there, done that. Back when my DH wouldn't lift a finger to help clean up after his spoiled kids, and wouldn't hear my complaints, I began taking matters into my own hands.
If the SD's were using up my baking supplies and leaving cookie dough everywhere, I asked them once to stop doing that. Then I hid all baking supplies or stopped buying them. If they were leaving dirty clothes, slippers, blankets on the floor - then those things "disappeared." (If you can't stop being a pig, you don't deserve to have nice things.) That was my strategy, anyway. Once my SD snuck out of the house after DH and I were asleep, and then snuck back in after visiting oldest SD who is 21. Oldest SD is not allowed in our house, and I suspected she probably invited SD21 into our home while we slept. So, her house key "disappeared" from her keyring. I think they either got the hint, or stopped asking about stuff that disappeared. I always said I had no clue where they left that stuff.
Its the only way to deal with horrible little brats -- action speaks louder than words.
Go get some black rice or
Go get some black rice or chocolate sprinkles. Spread them around skid room as if there were mice in the room. Force parent in there to "find mouse droppings" and raise holy hell on skid. The threat of rodents usually does it. You just sick back and watch the show. Wine optional.
Yess
Love all of this, especially the wine.
Take the door off of his room
Take the door off of his room. Remove everything but the bare necessities. Search his bag every time he walks in the door. Empty out his pockets. Treats are locked up. Frankly, he does not deserve to be rewarded with a treat.
And your DH needs to do ALL of this; not you. Your DH needs to be on SS likes flies on fecal matter. SS lies? DH imposes a punishment: IE cleaning the bathroom, yard work, etc.
DH also needs to check with SS's teachers about assignments so he knows what SS needs to do, then stand over SS while he completes the work.
Yes. He's already all over
Yes. He's already all over the homework. Miracle of miracles, BM is finally actually monitoring this too. (Though a couple of weeks ago, she took him to Dave & Buster's on Saturday -- after he'd missed three days of school due to "illness." It's maddening.)
Anyway, I just hope DH will get on board with what it will take. He tends to just get fed-up. But that's how we got here -- and could end up somewhere much worse.
SD23 Feral Forger
Husband used to take her door off too. She would just sit there on her bed doing her thing (not cleaning) and the funk would be so bad and so permeating, I would beg him to please put it back on! LOL.
Funk? Oh, no no no no NO.
Funk? Oh, no no no no NO. That's when Daddy supervises the cleaning or does it himself. The day I liberally sprayed a gag-worthy Vanilla Birch "air freshener" that was strong enough to knock a dog off of a gut truck at 50 yards, my DH, coughing, said, WTH, babe??" I told him the stench emanating from under the door was utterly vomitous. He opened the door, walked in, and walked right back out. The SSs mucked it out that weekend. *dirol*
Ugh!! Thank goodness it's not
Ugh!! Thank goodness it's not that bad -- yet. DH is a neat freak with a very sensitive nose, so I know he'd do something before I'd have to say a word.
Unfortunately, BM is pretty slovenly, so he's not exactly getting good habits on her side. Last we heard, she's hired a regular house cleaner, but that won't teach SS basic skills. Anyway, she has two cats and four dogs who have ruined her blinds and scratched up the floors. Every time we pick up SS he reeks of cat (DH is highly allergic), so no unwashsble soft things are allowed to go house-to-house anymore. Kind of makes me sad that every other week he's likely going to school smelling awful.
The smell was not THAT bad.
The smell was not THAT bad. I was making a point with that spray and it worked.
Money money money!!
Does he have an allowance? If so start charging him for every wrapper, can, plate, bowl or glass found in his room. My DH and I have found a book, by we I mean me. Its called "Feeding the mouth that bites you." This is the perfect age to start SS's journey into adulthood. It has lots of great points, references and it has a plan to help parents succeed. This is just the tip of the iceburg and this book will help you and your DH make a plan for a better teenage journey.
We have two SD's and they turn 18 in a few weeks. We were rushing around and pretty much banging our heads trying to decide what kind of rules we will have in our home. They have yet to learn anything we have tried to teach them. They are snarky and rude and I the evil step mother is the source of all their pain, sorrow and woes. DH and I had been lost honestly, then I found this book. It has been the solution to our problem. We now have the makings of a plan. I have to be honest it has 18 chapters I think and Im on chapter 8 but I will finish the book soon. Audio books has also been a great tool! We downloaded the worksheets and when I am done we will have our rules.
The real challenge is, can DH enforce those rules? Will he be the judge I need him to be or will he be a very lenient cop? Time will tell. I will be praying about it thats for sure!
I'll definitely look into
I'll definitely look into that! Thanks!
Your Skid is the age we banned all video games from our home.
The SpermClan would buy him the latest portable game divice when he was on SpermLand visitation. We would lock them up when he got home and send them back with him on the next long distance visitation to the SpermClan.
He had proven himself incapable of self regulating on gaming and still be able to do his home work, cnores, etc...
So we ended the problem. We did not allow him gaming systems or a lap top until half way through his Jr. year of HS. He had a rough first semester of his Sr. year so we took the lap top except under direct supervision by his mom or me.
After HS graduation (with honors though it was pure hell to make happen for all three of us) he enlisted in the USAF and has had a great career which is still going.
He has on several occassions thanked his mom and I for reining in his gaming issues. He recycled his gaming infatuation as an adult but in fairly short order he prioritized and chose to manage his gaming. He still games, but.. he keeps in appropriately under control.
If your SS is incapable of following the the rules, purge the games. Do not allow them in your home. Relegate them to BMs.
Kids will almost never have a notable memory of gaming. They will have notable memories of camping trips, hikes with parents, etc... Make memories, do not let a game head tween miss those opportunities.
That said, my SS does have a couple of fond memories. Both are of games we played together. I recognize now, nearly 2 decades later, that I was not entirely right in how his mom and I addressed the issues at that time. I am glad he has some memories of he and I doing what he was interested in together. I am also glad he recognizes and appreciates that I was doing the best that I could know at the time to get him to a place where he could make quality decisions on his balance and quality of life as an adult.
You and DH will have to parent... or not. One way you may get SS-12 to viable adulthood. The other way ... you may not. Find something that your best judgement tells you will work and adjust as necessary.
IMHO of course.
Good luck to all three of you. DH, SS, and you. It can work, find the path forward and work it together.
Thank you, Rags. I'm all for
Thank you, Rags. I'm all for banning the games. DH has never outright banned them, but he will take them away completely for periods of time. Problem is, it doesn't seem to make a difference. SS knows all he had to do is wait for Sunday and he's back at BM's with no restrictions. When DH told her he confiscated all electronics for several days after multiple rule infractions, she said it sounded like our house is a prison. He asked how long she'd keep electronics in a similar situation.
"Oh, I don't know. An hour or two."
SS isn't stupid. He knows how it works.