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Skid doesn't want a step mum

elenamadley's picture

Submitted by elenamadley on Mon, 02/13/2023 - 5:50pm

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Stepparent Rights

I'm not technically a step mum as I'm not married to my partner but one day it will happen. I'm also childless besides my puppy who I say is our child and my parents grandpuppy LOL

My partner's son who is 6 has expressed that he doesn't want me to be his step mum but every boyfriend that his mum has brought home (roughly 6-10 potential step dads in 7 years) he wants them to be his step dad. He even asked if his bio dad would still be his dad. Where is he getting this information? Is this coming from the BM or did he just come up with this?

I have never done anything wrong to this child. No disrespect. No hurting him. Nothing.

I understand he may never like me because of what his mum has said and that's okay. I'm with my partner because I love him and our relationship together. His kid doesn't ruin our relationship. His son usually never rubs me the wrong way I just disenage now. I greet him and say how are you but when I said he doesn't want me to be his step mum it actually hurt my feelings.

I'm a bit funny with children and maybe it wasn't the best idea to date someone with a child. Too late now. I'm shy with them and I speak to them like an adult. I don't say goo goo ga ga and talk to them like a baby.

I don't want to be considered his step mum. I would be happy for him to know me as daddy's girlfriend, just my name would be okay. I don't want him to think I'm replacing his mum. I don't want to be his mum he has one.

But it did hurt my feelings that he said no. I have never done anything wrong to him. I keep my distance and don't push myself on him. If he were to say hey do you want to play with me? I would say yes of course. He hasn't though and I'm not going to pressure him.

CastleJJ's picture

Submitted by CastleJJ on Mon, 02/13/2023 - 7:44pm

I wouldn't be giving a child opportunities to share their wishes on adult topics like relationships and marriage. Ultimately, he might get a stepmom, whether he wants one or not.

It sounds like BM is struggling with her ex moving on, hence the projection from SS' that you won't be his stepmom but full acceptance of BM dating and a possible stepdad. I wouldn't read too much into it - he is likely just parroting BM's message. She is the problem here. 

If SS isn't willing to accept you as a stepmom, then decide what your boundaries are. What are you and aren't you willing to do? Driving skid to stuff, cooking for skid, cleaning for skid, babysitting skid when BF is out, etc. If skid is going to be rude to you, do less and take on more of a fun aunt role. If skid becomes more accepting, take it one day at a time. Don't let yourself get burned by trying to be a part of the parenting. 

elenamadley's picture

Submitted by elenamadley on Mon, 02/13/2023 - 7:52pm

Love this! I think I'm willing to just be present. I will continue to be nice to skid and be responsive. I have played a game with him once but that was years ago. Now he refuses to sit next to me and whispers to his father when I'm in the room.

Evil4's picture

Submitted by Evil4 on Tue, 02/14/2023 - 9:32am

"Now he refuses to sit next to me and whispers to his father when I'm in the room."

What does your SO say or do when his kid does this? It's bloody rude and if your partner doesn't address his kid's rudeness to you then you have a partner problem rather than a kid problem. 

elenamadley's picture

Submitted by elenamadley on Tue, 02/14/2023 - 2:14pm

My partner always says something. We are good. Our relationship has never struggled because of this side of his life. But I do tell my partner it's okay don't worry about it. So basically I just brush it off and continue my day. Lately his kid has been rude to his own parents.

PetSpoiler's picture

Submitted by PetSpoiler on Tue, 02/14/2023 - 10:40am

I didn't realize it was up to a kid whether Mom or Dad dated someone or married someone.  I thought it was up to the adults in question.  My parents raised me wrong apparently.  

Seriously, his opinion shouldn't matter.  His behavior is rude though and Dad needs to straighten him out.  That is where your problem lies.  Mom is probably putting this stuff in his head and Dad needs to set him and her straight.  It's ok for her to date, why can't he?  

elenamadley's picture

Submitted by elenamadley on Tue, 02/14/2023 - 2:18pm

Exactly right. My partner and I both think it's ridiculous and don't let it bother us. But can't help think about this BM and what a boring life she must have to invent in our personal life with a 6-year-old. My partner does need to stand up more which he does but this kid will cry cry cry until he gets what he wants. If his father says no to something all hell breaks loose or he just stares at him like who are you to tell me what to do. Then the BM will get involved and basically "call him out" saying our child was crying because of you. Why didn't you do everything he asked for??

elenamadley's picture

Submitted by elenamadley on Tue, 02/14/2023 - 5:46pm

Is it okay to drag the kid to his room or say a corner of the house? His father has said to go sit down and look at a wall or something like that but his kid refused and just sat down where he was. So in that situation can the father drag his ass to where he wants him to go? I can imagine the kid won't sit there and will try to run away from the corner say. His kid isn't used to his father really putting his foot down to him but better do it now before it's too late.