loving your kid but not liking them

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I think my partner doesn't like his kid. He loves him but doesn't LIKE him.

I do understand why he feels that way. He doesn't have the willpower to try harder with his son. He doesn't have anything in common. His BM has talked shit about his whole family and has told things to their son which it makes it harder for everyone when they see the kid. He is rude and not very respectful.

His father doesn't know what to do. It was his first child and he never got given the chance to learn what to do because she kept the baby away from him at the start. Now when he sees him the child is growing up more and more. He is in school now. Is only interested in things that his mum does.

Whenever he sees his son he sees his EX who he hates so much. He resents his son even though it's not his son's fault but he looks at him and thinks about what his EX did to her.

Sounds horrible but I've been there and I know why he feels this way.

He wasn't born to be a father and we both don't want to start a family of our own now.

My father left me when I was 4 and it was the best decision he made. He cheated on my mum and started a whole new family. Anyway I'm happy that he left me because I have an amazing step father. He is my dad and will be the one to walk me down the aisle and who my kids (if i ever have them) will call poppy.

Maybe my partner doesn't like him right now because lately he has been really nasty and disrespectful to me and his father's grandparents. I'm sure everything will work out soon but his whole family feel lost. His own parents don't even want to deal with their grandchild.

I don't want to deal with the kid I only do because of my relationship. Relationship is also fine by the way, skid doesn't define it. We never fight about this stuff thank god. I'm just honestly venting so I don't annoy him haha.

Many children, including BKs, have heard

"I love you, but right now I/we do not like you very much." From their parents.

I certainly heard it a couple of times when I was a kid.

I do not recall the context though I know I had disappointed mom and dad. That is for sure.

Maybe your SO needs to have that talk with his kid outlining the specifics of why that is the case.

I'm Confused

Your prior post is titled FROM THE DAD. Posted in the bio dad/step dad forum. He doesn't like his kid because kid looks like the ex. And now this post. Yeah...I'm confused.

Yeah... from day one he

Yeah... from day one he wanted to get a DNA test. Apparently she was sleeping around lots before they got together and then ya know a month later she falls pregnant. I don't really know what to do with that information....

If he is on the birth

If he is on the birth certificate he may not get out of CS even if he isn't the father. The actual father would have to come forward and prove paternity and 'take over' because courts are set to have the kid's best interest at heart- losing a father wouldn't be in the kid's best interest.

So why didn't he, for

So why didn't he, for goodness sake?!

There is a difference between not liking your child's behavior

There is a difference between not liking your child's behavior and resenting him. If your SO truly resents his child, the kid knows it and that probably accounts for some of his poor behavior. Encourage your SO to get some therapy so he can get over resenting his child for something the child has no control over.

I agree. He was forced to

I agree. He was forced to have this child and has been depressed ever since. Wanted to commit suicide over it. It's not the kids fault as much as he is a pain in the ass. Should've went to therapy a long time ago. Time to look into it now because it's not getting better.

How often do you and/or your

How often do you and/or your SO see the kid?

Not a whole lot and that's

Not a whole lot and that's both of them not communicating with each other. He will ask if he can see his son and she says yes or no. At the start she wouldn't let him see their son unless he came to her house. She said "If you want to see your son you have to see me". Then he had a mental breakdown in the middle of our relationship and didn't see him unless his son was at his parents house. Now that we live together he def has seen him more but they both still don't communicate well for their son to come over more. Takes two. If i had to guess 2-3 times a month

Your SO can go one of two

Your SO can go one of two ways:

1) Get DNA test. Establish paternity, go for joint custody or visitation. Get a CO and follow it and be the best parent he can be. Stop entertaining BM's drama and treat his relationship with her like that with a colleague at work he doesn't like.

2) Give up his parental rights altogether, if that's even allowed there. I have a cousin who is kind of like the poster Rags' Spermidiot. Multiple kids by multiple women. The best thing he ever did for his oldest was sign away his rights and let her stepdad adopt her. She is doing a lot better than her younger sisters.

If your SO does nothing, he will remain a pathetic mess of a man and being with him will suck due to his out-of control brat (not the kid's fault he is a brat) and his controlling, money-hungry BM.

My husband has told me many times the love he has for

Our 2 kids is far more than his 3 kids with exwife. for starters, when exwife was pregnant with their 3, hubby could not attend any obgyn appts, these were all in secret. Every delivery she'd arrive at hospital full on mental shouting/screaming at nurses and drs demanding they cut baby out of her because she didn't want the inconvenience of pushing the baby out or waste time on it. Hubby would get into an argument with her that women don't do csections for fun and its for medical complications which exwife didn't have.

when their kids were born she did bare arse minimum and would leave kids in dirty diapers all day and wait for hubby to come home from work (hubby was sole income earner their whole marriage of 16 yrs because working is such an inconvenience for exwife).

when i got pregnant with our 2, hubby attended every ultrasound and obgyn appt. He was holding my hands massaging my back when we were having our daughter (natural birth), and that was the first experience hubby had of a wife going through labor pains and pushing a baby out and the connection we had during that experience made our relationship so much stronger.

hubby was involved and hands on with our 2 since day 1 because we aim and operate as a functional integrative family unit.

exwife and hubby operated a dysfunctional batshit crazy and disunified type unit. That pretty much sets the tone for the relationship hubby has with skids. Also skids are replicas of bio mum to varying degrees and have no traits of hubby, that really pains him whilst our 2 kids are very much like hubby so he relates to our 2 much better.

Wow! Doesn't sound like she

Wow! Doesn't sound like she was born to be a mother. That's horrible. He had every right to attend those appointments and attend labor. This is what I think will happen to me and my partner if we have kids. We have a great relationship and as bad as it sounds he never liked his EX. They were together for a month before she fell pregnant. He never loved her or anything. It does make me feel sad that he doesn't have this connection with his son and I know he needs to do more to get that connection but all I can do is really listen to him.

Nope not mother material at all

She comes from a poor uneducated family that freeloads off rich hardworking people.

sad thing is a coworker vouched for her as a great catch, then she went nutso including her family after the engagement and batshit crazy after the wedding. Hubby is a good natured person, helping even coworkers when they were in bad times never expected anything in return. Exwife simply manipulated that and it took 16 yrs for my fil to say enough and divorce her because she's sabotaging his career and making him miserable. My fil said to my husband that his kids with her weren't worth much for him to stick it out for their sakes. Basically sums it up.

Eldest sd called hubby mid 2019 guilting him for marrying me and having kids with me as replacing them. Nothing about how she and her sister chose to end contact and disappear over 5.5 yrs over lies biomum made that they knew were lies. Just blame me and daddy for everything as convenient scapegoats.

reality is sd's know we're not messed up toxic and dysfunctional people like them and envious that we're comfortable in our own skin. They lack self esteem, have an over inflated self of worth just like biomum.

biomum is what i call "rent-a-uterus" because mother implies you are invested in your kids nurturing, upbringing etc of which bio mum had none.

exwife sabotaged every pregnancy and did everything possible to prevent a pregnancy and had an abortion in secret claiming it was a miscarriage and acted like it was no biggie (this was a few months after their wedding).

my bils believed hubby was infertile along with his wife. They know he has no issues because he got me pregger within 5 months despite working away often, then got me pregnant again just under 8 months after our first kid (we tried for barely 1.5 months), yet the younger family members took much longer to get pregnant. They realised soon hubby has no fertility issues and is a breeder just like rest of family lol

Nope not mother material at all

She comes from a poor uneducated family that freeloads off rich hardworking people.

biomum is what i call "rent-a-uterus" because mother implies you are invested in your kids nurturing, upbringing etc of which bio mum had none.

So what you're saying here

So what you're saying here is that just because he didn't love the mom, he doesn't love the kid? So if you and him get divorced, will he stop loving your kid too?

No offence, but maybe he should resent himself, not the kid. I don't think he was forced to have unprotected sex with this lady that he, allegedly, never even liked . He has made poor choices and he's taking his frustrations out on his kid.

Poor child. He really got the short end of the stick with this one.

Edit: I've seen your previous post and honestly, it's worse than I thought. Your partner should get therapy. ASAP.

Agreed. Therapy! Right he

Agreed. Therapy! Right he choose to have sex and spill his load. Condom was used but things can still happen. Even if he gave her money to take the morning after pill. She can still become pregnant and that is exactly what happened.

That story is as old as the

That story is as old as the hills.. and often used when the man is now embarassed by his relationship with his EX. TBH.. your BF sounds like he isn't relationship material.. he is a crap father.. he doesn't seem to be a good partner.. he frankly sounds immature and refuses to take any responsibility.. lots of excuses.

With every thread I read of

With every thread I read of yours, its sounds more and more like the Jerry Springer show and it bothers me tremendously that young, inexperienced "adults" are responsible for this child. None of you "adults" can see past your own noses and do what's right by the child. BM = terrible mother. DH = won't step up to the plate and take control of this downward spiral of a situation. You = because you make excuses for your DH and think you know it all.

I really suggest setting up some serious boundaries with your DH now, before this continues on, because you are going to be soooooo resentful of him and his actions and SS and BM in a few years from now. Listen to us. You need to slow your roll and think long and hard about what you want to see in the future for yourself. Not for others, for yourself. Now think of you today at point A. Now think of you tomorrow in five years at point B. How many things have to be accomplished, how many people have to change, how much luck do you need, how many mistakes or unforeseen things can you afford, to get from A to B. It's a good exercise to accomplish but you must be realistic about the true challenges you will see mapped out in front of you and be self-aware enough to be able to assess if you think you can surmount these challenges. Only you can tell.

The bottom line is that it is

The bottom line is that it is almost 100% unlikely that he will be able to terminate his rights and get out of the CS obligation.

However.. I think it's probably possible if he has no interest in having a relationship with the child.. he can just not take any visitation.. he is not obligated to.. but he will still need to pay the child maintenance to his EX.

Honestly.. they way you describe him... he doesn't sound like a great father.. mabey the kid would be better off without him in his life.. of course there is fallout for making that choice.. people will think he is less than a man for deserting his child.. and depriving him of the experience of having a father.. his family may get angry that they don't have access to their grandchild etc.. but if he truly is unfit as a father.. maybe it's best to not mess the child up with people that have no business caring for a kid?

Wow this is a new one.. does

Wow this is a new one.. does BM know how your SO feels about their child? I think if she did she would have him full time for his best interests. Nothing good will come of SS with a father like this and a SM 'seeing where he's coming from'.

SO needs some serious therapy. SD is a clone of BM. It's not her fault she looks like her mother and DH still loves her entirely as it's his daughter and sees SD 8 year old personality shine through her features and not BMs ugly adult one. He sees SD is of course related to BM biologically but sees SD as her own person and identity. The fact a bio parent has resentment for a small child based on their appearance is really messed up.

That is tough! Sd was sneaky

That is tough! Sd was sneaky enough in the beginning to only show her true self when adults weren't around. I cought her in the act a few times, so i KNEW what she was doing when she was doing it. SNEAKY stuff like when she was 7yo "Being sweet" and trying to get the last hug in (when i KNEW she was doing it to spite my youngest who NEEDED the last hug due to her OCD and separation anxiety). DH saw that as ''awww she loves you!" That little b!t€# doesn't love me. Now she does BIGGER things that DH can't ignore... but he miraculously forgets. Her lies are so big that if you knew us they are easy to tell they are lies (but if you didn't know us, they're believable)

I couldn't imagine liking sd, even if i was her parent. I DEFINITELY could never imagine loving her. I TRIED so hard in the beginning, i tried so hard to like/love her.... i went out of my way trying to come up with bonding activities for all of us... i don't try anymore, after EVERYTHING she's done, there is no way

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loving your kid but not liking them