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"Panick Attacks" or Master Manipulator

bridgewater2009's picture

Hey, all! First time posting! I stumbled upon this website because I was trying to find content for my SD current circumstances.

Before I continue I am not in the mental health field and everything I saw is speculation based on a series of behavior patterns.

And, it should be said too that my husband is actually on board with most of my opinions and inferences about his daughter and we totally agree about his ex-wife, but I personally don't want him to think I'm always thinking and speaking negatively about his child. 

My SD is 13 and we are very bonded! I've been in her life since she was 7 years old and since her father's work schedule is night/weekend based, we've spent more time together in the last few years than her and her own father have. Being that I'm a stepparent, I do find myself about to look at the child through a less "rosy" lens and identify times that she has lied, manipulated, stole, etc. Only to be accepted as correct once those behaviors have been undeniably exposed as true. 

In the last few years, my SD has been experiencing anxiety that was first triggered by enclosed spaces. Private bathrooms and elevators were the worst, but tightly packed crowds were also an example of a trigger (common triggers for anxiety). Additionally, my SD anxiety would be triggered during indigestion. Yes, gas pains were enough to send her into what the SD calls a "panic attack" because she shivers, shakes her hands, and cries until she hyperventilate. This behavior goes always almost instantaneously if she is sat on the toilet to fart or poop. 

When she first started experiencing these symptoms, everyone else panicked too. She received a lot of undivided attention. And this is what I believe has created the problem we face now. If my SD doesn't want to go to school, or wants to leave a social-outting, she has a "panic attack". Because she has been going to therapy, I keep her in the environment and calmly walk her through her anxiety with the technique she's learned from therapist. No matter the circumstances that triggered her, she is usually done "panicking" within 10 minutes. I let every panic attack become a teachable moment and always help her confront and resolve those feelings as autonomously as possible. But at her bio mother's house (recently divorced from husband #2, so it's just these two in the home), I am getting the sense that anytime my SD panics she is extracted from the environment AND allowed to dictate the family.

I am exhausted for worrying about her and feeling so helpless. She's failing almost all her classes and is now avoiding school, making matters much worse. And of course, there will be people who read this and feel that my SD is not faking. Your opinion is valid and I accept that we all have a different lens and bias to view this situation.

This leads me to the situation today, which causes me to really want to vent. My SD was being dropped off to school by a close family-friend who lives in her mother's neighborhood. This family friend called me today to let me know she was instead going to take my SD home because she was having a panic attack. She described the conversation in detail saying, "[SD] asked me if I could pick her up at 5th period and I told her I wasn't doing pickup today. Then she told me she couldn't breathe and was starting to have a panic attack. I'm taking her home and just wanted someone to know." This immediately made me suspicious that after the child wasn't granted what she wanted, access out of school to avoid the last two periods, she began to panic. I don't blame the family friend for taking her, because she wouldn't know any of the therapy techniques. But this sounded like a manipulation tactic on my SD part to avoid class. 

I'm writing to vent because I am so fed up with this behavior.  It make me want to avoid the child because it's just so predictable and desperate. But I am curious if from and outside perspective, if I seem like the unreasonable one? I fear her growing up into an socially avoidant adult, someone with low emotional intelligence who can't control or express their feelings. Or someone who simply believes the universe revolves around their personal feelings. 

I was a troubled adolescent as well, having been sexually abused by my bio father. My anxiety caused me physical pain and that was real. But I also knew damn well the times that I would extend that excuse for the sake of avoiding tests or homework. And my bio mother was never supportive enough to actually have conscious-discipline conversations with me, it was always reactive to the immediate moment. No parent wants to see their child suffer, but maybe it's easier for stepparents to look at the situation differently. Please share your thoughts, guidance, and tips for being more empathetic... Because right now, I don't feel anything but suspicious and annoyed.

Thanks! Happy New Year. xo

Comments

Mominit's picture

One of our kids went through panic attacks.  They were very real.  But they were also very limiting.  Resulting in a host of isolating behaviours.  It's a fine line between acknowledging them and enabling them.  For us we found that s/he would excuse themself from class when a panic attack was coming.  But it became more often.  And eventually started impacting other areas (as well as grades).  We were lucky enough to be able to get to the bottom of the cause of the attacks (bad situation s/he was exposed to when not with us) which was the key to it all.  But in the meantime, we had a very frank discussion that the goal was to cope with them, whether or not they continued.  So coping techniques we the first line of defense.  That meant that excusing oneself from class was one of the LAST techniques, and leaving school altogether for more than a period meant a whole lot more practice and chats with parents or counsellors.  

We put expectations on SK that s/he didn't have to be perfect, but should be progressing.  Mastering the techniques did not mean the panic attacks were fewer or lesser.  It meant the reactions to those attacks were more productive.  Like breathing slowly, or doodling in a book, reciting a mantra...whatever it took to get over the attack, and refocus on the normal life of a teenage. 

Good luck.  Talk to the counsellor to make sure your SD has the tools she needs, and then explain your expectations.  Leaving school is not a solution.  At best she can leave class and find a quiet place for a period of time.  And eventually you expect her to be able to manage these attacks without even leaving class.  (And see if you can figure out if there are any new root causes that should be eliminated such as a loud teacher, or a mean classmate).

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

My SS16 has those as well and has ruined outings and vacations for the family often. His mother coddles him and flies to his rescue to remove him from any environment he might deem anxiety inducing

 

SS16 has locked himself in bathrooms and cried during bday parties (for unknown reasons) and events involving fun activities. He cannot be dropped off anywhere with other teens because he is socially inept and will asked to be picked up immediately. He has 0 social skills and eventually dropped out of school at 16 to get in an accelarated graduation program (so they claim) after he had multiple panic attacks at school and made suicidial and homicidal threats. He frequently would leave school or miss school and blame it on anxiety and panic. He is now on Prozac and plans to work in a home improvement store and launch a career in music hahaha

These "types" actually have a tendency to be lazy and escaping responsibilities. You cant do anything about it. We flew SS16 out of state for his first vacation ever (he never went out of state or city to vacation except 3 days to the beach/year) and the whole time he refused to partake in activities and was rude/ignoring adults and stayed on his phone in his room

 

Strangely, he does not experience anxiety when it comes to being around his gf and her family and doing activities....

 

She will drop out eventually and use this excuse to not do what she doesnt like doing (like going to school, chores, having responsible social interactions, etc)

Cover1W's picture

YSD experienced this when she had sleepovers or birthday parties at our home, or when we were getting ready to go somewhere or if we were out and she wanted to leave somewhere. It started when she was around 10 and basically activities with us decreased as time went on until now, she's almost 17 and doesn't do much of anything and doesn't have many friends. In her case I think it's linked to autistic behaviors we (DH now admits this) notice. She just got overwhelmed by everything.

BUT we don't think it happened at BMs - DH was always noticing that she had sleepovers and parties at BMs a lot more than here, with no cancellations or panics. I do think the autism played a part in the "overwelmed" by activities at times but also PAS was taking place with her sister at around the same time so I do suspect she also had anxiety about enjoying herself with us.

Mominit's picture

Just a quick note.  I should have finished with this.  Our child who went through this did eventually learn to use the techniques taught, face the situations head on, and is on their way to being an incredible professional.  S/he made excellent grades in university and I couldn't be more proud of them.  So it's not all doom and gloom.  If the attacks are real, and even if they occasionally use them to get out of unpleasant things, if they are taught that there are coping techniques, and that they are expected to use them, sometimes they overcome.

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

It can work for ppl who have real anxiety and want to actually lead a normal life but for manipulators and lazy ppl, its just a crutch

Most of the ones i know with "anxiety" are not doing anything with their lives and the anxiety comes on when they are forced out of their comfort zones.

I have a brother who is autistic so I am acquainted with the spectrum for the last 30years and I have mingled and been around ppl with disabilities since I was a child even when there was little to no understanding of autism and developmental issues. Anxiety/panic attacks translate differently for autistic ppl. Low functioning will tend to be physical and throw tantrums because they experience difficulties voicing their discomfort or saying no whereas high functioning tend to retreat and become mute and isolate. Autistic ppl however do largely enjoy being around others and are eager to be part of society unlike those angsty panic ridden teens. The patterns I have observed with my SS16 is that he will have a panic attack or cry because he cant go to his gfs house due to visitation interfering or he will lose it because a teacher asks him to comply and listen and smash his desk in the classroom then make homicidal and suicidal threats

 

I cant even say that they are shy or introverted because a shy person could never bring themselves to act like this in public and introverts are just quiet ppl who cant tolerate much social interaction but still able to catch social cues and understand responsibilities.

These teens are just acting out to get out of their responsibilities, they truly have no idea what a person with disabilities goes through daily. Ppl are now faking disorders like Tourettes, Autism and ADHD because it "looks cool" and you get a pass to avoid real responsibilities but ppl with these disorders would actually never want to get passes or be treated differently. They advocate to be understood and accepted, not coddled.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Take it from me. Sd needs to get a grip on her panic attacks now, or she will always be using them to get out of life. Get a job? Can't - it gives me panic attacks! Move out? Can't. It gives me panic attacks. Learn to drive? Can't. (You see the pattern here.) My SD is 19 and still uses her anxiety to hide from the world and avoid adult responsiblities. 

I've never met a human that scares the daylights out of themselves with an unexpected fart. Usually you only see that in cat videos. LOL.  But seriously. This kid needs a therapist that can see through her bullshit and help her figure out why she feels the need to lie and manipulate. 

1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

This is the real deal. SS16 says he wants to get a job but isnt sure he can work because of some environments that may be anxiety inducing lol

Weird that you would leave school which is pretty laid back to enter the workforce which is quite stressful and demanding....These ppl are just looking to remain at home while mom foots the bill 

justmakingthebest's picture

I have experienced panic attacks for years, they are no joke and feel very real. There isn't always a logical reason for them and it sucks. That being said, they aren't an excuse to get out of life or responsibilities. My son also has them.

I would talk to her doctor about a daily medication to help ease this anxiety that she is having. There also would be nothing wrong with having her tested for IBS or Crohns. Maybe it is more than a little gas pain, maybe it's not. It could be manipulation or it could be real. Teenagers are REALLY HARD. 

Another thing that might help if she is having these panic attacks at school is getting her a 504 plan. My son is allowed to basically wave at his teacher and leave. Go to guidance and have his moment, breakdown, whatever and then head back to class. Just knowing that he doesn't have to break down in class has made it 100X better. He doesn't have to ask, he doesn't have to get a hall pass- just leave. He doesn't take advantage of it, but he will use it if he needs to. 

Lifer33's picture

Have a great deal of experience with this , other than my niece 15. In short her mother's a hypochondriac and has led the child down the same path, there had to be something special about her, and so it's been engrained that (in her case) there must be something wrong. She had one incident as a child where she had her tonsils out, a bleed became an emergency. Since then she's allowed, and I do say allowed, to either panic or have meltdowns for anything and everything she does not want to do, or finds remotely difficult.  Has there ever been an incident such as this that would cause her to believe her panic /anxiety/mistrust is correct?

I should add that, niece has been seeing a therapist over her parents breakup and they phoned her dad directly to say they believe she's actually autistic.  That could be an area to research?

Otherwise , as others have said above , if its that bad she needs dr/medication to reduce the impact on all your daily lives 

simifan's picture

I've had a panic attacks and I've also had Gallbladder issues. The symptoms can be quite similar. Lightheaded, difficult to breathe, chest pain, flushing, etc. Might be worth looking into - especially with the digestive issues. 

Also, if she has a therapist. She should have a plan for what to do in school & what to do when she is alone when she has a panic attack. Going home should not be an option. Quite frankly, if she can make a call during the panic attack; she's capable of working her way through it.