Row row row your boat...
I have commented on a previous post about passive-agressive shunning...
This is why no more outings together
Submitted by CLove on Mon, 12/05/2022 - 1:03pm
when SD16 Powersulk goes anywhere with us these days, she always manages to do one of three things: (1) hijack it somehow (2) Power Sulk - typically because of something Ive said or whatever (3) Order an expensive menu item and not share it and then not finish it.
Which is exactly why this whole topic is especially relevant.
Last night, I wanted us (all of course!) to go see a lighted boat parade. This entails us leaving at a certain time and getting there at a certain time, because of logistics.
SD16 PS got on my nerves from the beginning "what time does it end?" Well, hmmmm, I dunno, sorry (wrinkled brow). Then, I didnt know that we would have to run somewhere (because its on the way!) to get her camera (an 800$ camera purchased for much less but still) from her friends house. "hey guys I would have had us leave earlier had I known about this!!!"
This totally happens all the time.
SD16 Goes into full power sulk mode, doesnt respond, in fact no one responds in any way.
We see a few lighted boats but its way less than other places and other years. They are still arriving and late so I cant grouse tpp hard about it. We go to dinner. No one can decide, so I just watch and follow along. Husband orders appetizers and HE orders and entree that I declare I will share. (trying to lose weight and eat much less) SD16 orders a full chicken alfredo entree, and after she proceeds to eat her "share" of the appys, picks at her entree and cannot finish it and leaves half. Im just watching and observing.
All these things just continue happening. I know that I should just not encourage and organize these outtings, but shouldnt I be able to be knowledgable about "detours" from the planned rout, as well as be able to suggest to SD16 PS that she should consider sharing her full entree since she wants to partake of appys too? She even picked off my little side salad.
The reason Im even writing this is because we have been staying at home because finances and all that entails, so I feel since I scrimped on what I wanted - was sharing with side salad, shouldnt the princess SD Power Sulk? It was so uncomfortable and awkward sitting there silently just looking at each other. I sat across from them with a nice window view, watching the boats as they arrived...
*** Edited to add that I am reading about the Karpman Triangle. Lightbulbs going off today as they did last night!
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Comments
Why do you do this to
Why do you do this to yourself? Stop arranging things. You know it will end badly. That way you don't have to worry about delays, derailments or food issues. NONE of that is YOUR problem to take on.
I mean, I get it. The holidays are the worst. I tried for years and years and even yesterday was looking forward to getting the tree up and DH and YSD just rushed through it, YSD16 doing it as fast as she could, no talking, no warmth, nothing. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am. I will re-do the ornament hanging this coming weekend because she was almost just throwing them at the tree. Maybe. Beause with other things happening, I'm already over it. I think I'm going to just make my cookies and call it good. Everything, including the grocery shopping will be on him, 100%. (but for my own treats like a good champs and some gourmet chocolate caramels I get for myself every holiday). I unplugged the tree last night too - DH usually hates it when I do that but he's not said a word today so far and it's still unplugged.
Taking notes
Im taking notes. Establishing that its a trend. I finally have the "language" to define it. You are so right. I mainly just trailed along. Silent.
"delays, derailments or food issues" sais it so perfectly. Husband and SD16 Power Sulk dont see it as a "thing" its simply lets get through it to the objective. It doesnt seem to bother Husband at all. When my parents are paying nor when he is paying so its assumed its a non-issue for me.
I normally do not do these organizations of activities anymore - It was something that I didnt think could be done on another weekend and found out I could have done it this next one.
Thats sad that you could not enjoy your fun night of decorating. Husband watches as I have been picking around and then "poof" I turn around and hes done it. I think I need my own tree in another part of the house! But it looks gorgeous.
As an aside - we have been on a date night in forever and even though it was sunday night, it felt like it should have been a date-night and I dont like sharing.
Why do you do this to
Why do you do this to yourself? If you want to do something fun, go alone or with a friend. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.
The memories of all these ruined occassions will haunt you for years.
How it went down
I told Husband my plans "Im going to do THIS THING" and he indicated he WANTED to go too.
Then he had xyz THING he had to do. Then somehow BFF ended up at our house to get a tv we arent using, so somehow hes doing us a FAVOR, and ends up in the garage the next hour...egads. I repetedly asked "arent you wanting to stay home? Ots OK if you dont want to go..." He just kept saying yes I do...I should have just done what normally is succesful, and organize a get together with my friends but most of them are busy or out of town.
So it was almost a bait-and-switch he does sometimes. Tells me YES, and its DEFINITE, and then Bff comes over, or SD16 PS has a "thing she needs or a thing she needs to do", and all my plans are incorporated with others plans and priorities and agendas. That have nothing to do with me, because I make certain that MY things are taken care of.
so set a time you're leaving.
so set a time you're leaving.
"I'm going to head out to (event here) at 5pm on the nose. If you can't go it's okay but I will be leaving at 5pm sharp" then at 5pm say "heading out now. see you after." and frikkin go.
stop setting yourself up to fail. you, w/ the boat parade, set yourself up to fail. it is the same exact result every time and you know it. why torture yourself like this?
The more I read
About the Karpmans drama triangle, the more I understand the dynamics, and the more I understand the dynamics the more frustrated I get!
SD16 just automatically goes into power sulk mode if I say ANYTHING that goes against what she wants. Whatever it is, its taken as criticism and Im bad for saying it. That puts her firmly and permanently in Victim mode and me in the Persecutor section. The more I battle it the more entrenched it gets.
I made the mistake of discussing it with Husband and he went through his limited range of reactions: rejects the concept, shuts down, then rages about it in frustration. In my way of thinking, dont you WANT people in the household to enoy each others company?
So, I switched tactics. I went from persecutor to victim "I tried so hard, so everyone would have a good time! I tried to make it as inexpensive as possible, for you, so you wouldnt have to pay so much, I shared the entree, had ice tea and just had a little side salad. I constantly walk in eggshells for everyone to enjoy themselves"...that sort of works, but it is so foreign to me, it will take some practice.
Try this: if you want to go
Try this: if you want to go see the boats or whatever, you say:
"I'm going to see the boats tonight. I'm leaving at 7 pm. If you want to join me, I'll see you in the car at 7"
Then leave at 7:01.
Done.
That's what I'd do
"We are going to the xyz at 7:00 if you want to come". She probably won't want to, at that age, I didn't want to go to activities with my parents.
yeah.
So, what I did, knowing there ultimately would be a delay...was say "we are leaving here at :00 pm sharp if you want to go with us."
She insisted that she DID want to go with us. But then at 5 it was "oh I have to get my shoes on and I have to do this other thing..."
We left at 5:05. Ok.
Then HAD to make the detour which no one told me about until I asked because HUSBAND was asking for a certain address and I HAD to ask because my questions met with silence. Until I repeated them in different ways.
I squeak out a little "hey If I had Known" to sort of be the persecutor turned challenger...
I had to learn to stick to
I had to learn to stick to very specific boundaries, and if they were crossed then consequences ensured. In this case natural consequences are your best friend.
You DIDN'T need to wait until 5:05. You could have left at 5:00 and if DH wanted to wait around for SD nonsense, that's on HIM. YOUR plans were clear -- leaving at 5:00. But then you gave away your power for the shoes and the detour and anything else that other people decided were more important than what you wanted to do.
Nobody else puts you first. So you must.
parents ususally
teach their kids about being late. Well, Husband thinks its super funny to be late, because thats what he does...I grew up differently and if you arent early you arent on time.
Two different standards and Im tired of bending my standards to fit others who could not even care less.
My DH doesn't "get" time
My DH doesn't "get" time deadlines, esp. personal ones. I'm constantly waiting around on him, getting irritated. Like, if I'd like to leave at 11:00 so we can have lunch before we run all our in-town errands, we NEED to leave at that time, otherwise we don't eat until at least 1:00, and then errands are rushed and then we are home just in time for dinner with zero down time. Or people are expecting us! 30 min late to an hour sometimes is NOT ok! I have left without him before and he simply arrives later - this seems to work and our friends get it. I don't always bend my schedule becase he WANTS to do something else for the time being. I mean, I can tell him multiple times, days and hours in advance and he would still refuse to meet my time - it's like I say, a 13-yo boy acting out against a parent. Infuriating and frustrating at the least.
Now, when YSD or prior with OSD as well, it was 4x the frustration. NO ONE would be on time, so I just either a) left when I said I'd be going or b) just not include them in my plans. For the walk this weekend, I was "surprised" by the invite to YSD, but I sure did leave when I wanted anyway because I'm not waiting on a teen to 'decide' if she wants to go or not.
I get pushback
Husband still wants his fantasy of us as a "family" and I see him happy when we all go out. So, Im thinking IM going to suck it up this one last year and see how it goes. Watch her try to power sulk her way through yet another outing.
So does mine, thus his sneak
So does mine, thus his sneak attack of inviting YSD on our walk AFTER I already agreed to go on one with him.
But that's not reality. So I set the terms, left on my own. I wasn't the cause of the walk with the three of us not happening and he knew it.
Perhaps it's a difference in
Perhaps it's a difference in culture, but the concept of plate sharing is foreign to me. All my life, people have ordered their own separate entrées, and occasionally shared an appetizer. However, I would be darned, if my hard earned money went towards purchasing an appetizer for a greedy pig. You would've thought someone somewhere along the way would have taught her that when sharing an appetizer, you don't pig down on it, leaving less for everyone else. I feel like that is good manners, but maybe parents aren't teaching their children this anymore? Eat your entrée and partake in a few of the appetizers. But, that's just how I grew up.
Polite Society
I know plate sharing is a case-by-case basis and in Polite Society and other cultures its looked on badly.
But, some facts I live with are:
1. Plate-sharing in my Husbands mind is that he is sharing with his child, therefore as his wife I am expected to share with his child.
2. I Split plates frequently - its cuts on calories and cost and enables all to have little bites of more things.
3. In my Husbands culture its plate sharing all the way to Sunday. But not when its something he really really loves like crab legs. Or rib eye. Im not "sharing" Im having a few bites.
4. I feel that he infantilizes his kids and has always coddled and catered to them. This is yet another way he does so...
And to her credit we split the 6 oysters evenly...
Clove, if plate sharing works
Clove, if plate sharing works for you, and you enjoy it then by all means, continue the tradition! It's neither right nor wrong but up to each persons personal preference. Certainly don't listen to me, for I am truly an uncultured swine ha ha. I prefer to hoard my chicken fingers and burger all to myself and if I spring for a fancy fried onion, I expect everyone to be a conscience of the fact that they are not the only ones eating it. Where I live, there really is no need for experiencing a variety of meals as all of the restaurants. Serve the typical American food. Most exotic thing we can get around here is General Tao's chicken.
It Works and Doesnt
Its one of those moving targets.
Youve got to both feel the room and take note of how your stomach works.
We live in an international tourist destination, on the coast. Lots of yummies to choose from.
I guess my point was that greedy skid likes to grab the yummy little things, fill up and then not finish her expensive entree. Like at my birthday the 50-dollar pout. Didnt finish that either, but grabbed on the appetizers.
And Husband doesnt want her to "feel bad" taking what she wants, with no discussion or offering to share HER plate of goodies.
She is simply patterning herself after her parents who have no manners and no interest in teaching them.
And Im just laughing now...like what kid wants to be on a "date" with adults?
Greed
The fact that your younger SD is five foot two and weighs 170 pounds tells the tale where greed is concerned. She's the one who should be dining on side salads.
me too. I'm Joey from Friends
me too. I'm Joey from Friends ... Joey does not share food.
https://www.google.com/search?q=joey+doesnt+share+food&rlz=1C1VDKB_enUS9...
Hahahaha seriously! It's like
Hahahaha seriously! It's like "this is MY food. I ordered these deep fried chicken fingers and French fries because that's what I want to eat. Sorry you didn't like your braised calamari in swordfish oil but gtf away from my plate" (stabs with a fork).
when it's the Mr and I out
when it's the Mr and I out and once of gets an amazing tasting dish he hands me his fork and I give him a taste. But after a career in childcare focused on toddlers...Tia doesn't share food or drink or anything ...ew.
Ughhh
This is so familiar. Trying to do family things and having SD sulk, walk off randomly to take 100 pics of a mouse -_-..and the food issues! I'm all for splurging but she will get the Biggest meals and not finish-ever, and it sits in the fridge. The last time shoe directly asked DH..if she could have the boiled lobster. The child is 94lbs and never takes more then 4 bites. So I piped in and said NO, before DH could respond. I suggested a smaller portioned meal that still had 'lobster' in it and she was Pissed. Oh well dreary. Sorry.
Who takes their kid out for lobster?
Maybe if you are from Maine or something but that is a pretty fancy dinner for a child. Especially one that is going to waste most of it. My OSD was uber rude to the wait staff when we would go out as a family together because she wanted it to just be her and daddeeeee. (Apparently BM is rude to wait staff as well. She thinks she is better than everybody. So freakin' high faluttin' ...) Welp, too bad kiddo, here I am. Now that she is an adult she can chose to not have a relationship with me if she wants (I don't want to be around her if she is going to be that way anyway) but kids don't get to decide.
We can get inexpensive little ones
At costco. But yes, its kind of fancy!
Oh hell no. That rude POS kid would be standing up,
appologizing to the server in front of the whole restaurant, then could go wait out front on the bench next to the front door of the restaurant until everyone else was done. Without her phone, and with no dinner.
Make stupid decions on your behavior, enjoy being hungry.
no Lobster for her
Husband will wait until shes with her mother, and buy lobster and we will feast. The last time she was included in lobster fest, she stuffed her face rapidly barely swallowing and ran off to a phone call with friend. Husband saw that and was like "um no thats not good, thats not appreciating it".
Shes over 160 and loves her carbs. She fills up and then cant finish dinner, but Ive noticed she can finish our home cooked meals because no bread is served.
Next time, and every time ongoing... you drive. That takes care
of the detours.
Also, you order when you are ready. Then when they are rushed you inject 'We don't need starters and SD, you never eat your entree so pick something smaller.'
Don't let them decide and do not ask. Tell.
Any time PMS (Pouty McPower Sulk - SD) starts her manipulations and pouty bullshit, call her on it. Direct and confidently. 'PMS, that is not acceptable. Stop your pouting right now.' No questions, no discussions, just direct instruction that it ends and it ends now.
On the detours.... 'You should have dealt with that on your time before today. So, deal with it on your time after today.'
Her and DH's fee fees do not matter. They can chose to feel however they wish. They will not be allowed to interfere in your bliss.
Hinting does not work, hoping does not work. Direct action addressing the problem is about all that is left.
Keep tigntening the screws.
Take care of you.