Does this even sound right?
So two days ago SD18 texts that SS16 needs dress attire for their uncle on BM's side wedding the NEXT day. DH and I get into an argument because I don't feel that it was our responsibility to foot the bill for a whole new suit basically because BM cannot afford it (she is not working currently) and then making it our problem last minute so we couldn't say no. So DH and I argue about it... he goes and gets outfit with shoes for ss16 at around 200 dollars. I was sleeping in the extra(skids EOW room) because I just can't take the battle anymore. THEN SD18 calls. They are all in tears, they want to come over. They were all on the way out the door with BM to said wedding, and BM says she looks fat and ugly compared to her kids and **huff and puff** then the next thing you know the kids said BM said to Skids to get the F*k out and then herself left the house?? It seems like there's something missing... so ironic, the kids are on their way here and NO WEDDING, **flush** two hundred dollars... then SS16 messages that BM shut off SD18 phone. hmmmm well here goes our marriage. It was barely afloat without them living here. I just can't get past this iffy feeling I have as to this outrageous story that a mother flies off the handle because she doesn't like her dress? We shall see. Feeling extremely vulnerable and scared right now... I really think this may be the end.
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Some lessons I've learned
Some lessons I've learned from my own experience:
1. Skids lie. If the story doesn't make sense it's probably because they are leaving some part of it out (usually the part where they did something wrong on their part)
2. As skids approach 18, and the CS looks like it will be running out, the odds of them moving in with Dad increase 10 fold.
3. Skids moving in CAN destroy a marriage... or not... it depends on the SM.
If it makes you feel any better, anytime Little Idiot (SD22.5) decides she needs a vacation from her part time job and wants to take a trip to NY, we end up shelling out money for her plane tickets. It happens every 6 months. If I try to suggest that maybe if she wants a vacation, she should pay for it DH gets angry. Which brings me to the 4th thing I've learned...
4. A lot of women on here are taken advantage by their husbands (myself included sometimes). We are perfectly reasonable to expect to have a say but our husbands react by yelling at us and trying to shut us down. It makes one wonder how much are we truly valued?
See what happens over the next few days. Are they staying or is this an argument that is going to blow over? Is your husband 100% (no ifs ands or buts) going to let them live with you? Then you may want to start crafting an exit plan if this is something he won't budge on.
Fishy
I'm curious what BM would say as well. However, BM and DH are court ordered to talk through a parenting app and they haven't actually used it in almost a year. So last night SD18 drops off SS16 and goes to her friends. Ss16 said he didn't want to talk about the situation and I suspect it's because they are lying to both BM and DH. They didn't go to the wedding apparently and that's 200 dollars down the drain for outfit for SS16 supposedly. I was so pissed because SD18 practically forced our hand a day before to purchase this outfit, which caused DH and I to get into an argument. I felt we weren't responsible to pay for BMs brother's wedding. What a mess. I don't think we'll make it through this. I'm really quite done.
Yes, get BM"s side
Almost gone is correct, SKs lie. It's a perfect situation for them to do so, the parents don't communicate. As much as I despised our late BM, she usually had a different story from the SKs.
I learned, painfully, not to jump to conclusions. I had a bias against the SKs and my own bios used it ("He hit me first!") to get their way. The SKs used my bias against BM to lie and get away with it because I didn't hear her side.
You wondered whether your marriage could survive them moving in. My 3 SKs all moved in unexpectedly and we survived. I give counseling credit but to my surprise, our life was smoother once they all lived here. All of us being under the same roof, all under the same system, BM out of the picture - everything calmed down. Before that, the back-and-forth was quite hard on everyone.
Good luck, it can work.
BM and your DH might be court
BM and your DH might be court ordered to talk through the app but are you? I would reach out and say this is what we were told. I would like to hear what your side is.
I would tell SD that she needs to get herself a pre-paid plan and not count on her mother to pay for her anymore.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
BM issue
She and I got into it years ago when covid hit and she refused to let the kids come over due to her health issues. I tried to argue we were family as well... anyways long story short and a court hearing later, we do not communicate at all. Right now I'm not in speaking terms with DH because of all of this. He basically yelled at me to stop nagging. I think I'm at my wits end with the drama. Two years ago Ss16 wanted to live with us... we went to court and he changed his mind. They are their mothers children but their mother is really disordered, and that's a lot coming from me. They don't like me and SD18 wondered why we got married at all. It is all sorts of awkward and this has been in the makes 9 years and nothing is getting better.
I honestly can't imagine not
I honestly can't imagine not being on speaking terms with my spouse.... and I have have been divorced!
I also think it is unfair to make him choose between you and his kids, one of which is still a minor and the other is barely legal.
I'm NOT saying to take the financial hit or that he was right in jumping in for clothes for an event that was BM's time and with BM's family. He should have simply said "sorry, I can't help you this time".
Maybe one way that you can take some control back is separating finances. Get his, mine and ours checking accounts. The "Ours" account is for household- Mortgage, utilities, cell phones, groceries. $X must be deposited by each of you weekly. The rest goes into your own accounts and there is no criticism of what you do with your money. That way, you can ensure your responsibility are handled and don't feel like he is taking from your household.
My husband and I don't have any joint accounts. We have bills that we are responsible for and he cuts me a check every month for the mortgage and I pay it from my account. We keep it simple but fair. If he wants to buy something stupid for SS (he hasn't in a long time but he used to), no biggie, doesn't affect me at all. And it works the other way too with my bios. It works for us, might be worth a shot.
Bad
Yeah, it got heated and now that the kids are here, the house echoes, so we don't have these discussions while they're here. So awkward silence until Monday. The children were warned that things were a little hairy here but they still insisted on coming over. Another thing, he told them I was sleeping in the extra room. I just can't with him anymore. I think it's just too late. I don't like his children, they didn't say please for the outfit they said needs and thanks for helping out... it's all so bothersome to me and I can't get the triggers to stop. Which I know deep down is a me problem... but I am extremely unhappy. It's got to end. I knew that when he was screaming in my face. In his defense he's going through a med change which is really rough. Things over here are miserable. Then all night I had to listen to his son play video games laughing up a storm. Smh.i just want out. Venting just helps and I have no one that cares about step life issues. But maybe I am irrational?? He makes me feel like a crazy nag and I don't know anymore what is real.
Can you stay somewhere else?
For the weekend. I think getting some time away will really help you to think clearly.
Also, try to schedule a visit with a lawyer. See what your options are.
I think and feel that your internal dislike of the skids is translating to your husband. He knows and can tell how you feel. And parents want everyone to love their kids like they love them. The bio goggles/love goggles.
It sounds like therapy might also help you - at least give it a try...
Venting here is an incredible therapy.
Definitely something super fishy to the story.
That story sounds incomplete
Yes, the skids story sounds incomplete. I wouldn't get too far into their drama, though. It sounds like they have a lot of it at BMs! I would start laying the foundation for your future, with or without DH. This means, as the others mentioned, setting up "his, hers and ours" accounts" and saving money for your departure - should it be needed.
You deserve better than this. I am going through something similar right now, and DH and I are going to have a talk with the teen skids tonight about their behavior. For now, DH is apologizing to me, but I suspect we may run into this problem again, so I am saving my money. I also have a living trust since DH and I are not married, but we own a home together. This means that if he dies first, I get everything. This way I won't have to deal with his skids trying to take my home while i am grieving. Having that provision for myself is sometimes the only reason I stay. If I can't have a loving family, I will settle for a return on my investment! LOL. So f*** it. Just decide to invest in yourself and don't tell them until you are having them thrown out on their entitled little asses.
Therapy
Over the course of our relationship we've been to therapy twice. It's funny because I know he doesn't like my mom, so why should I be expected to like his children? I don't have any bios so I can't say that I fully understand but this step life is not for me. My family said I should have known getting involved with a man with children and how dare I tell him what he can spend on his darlings. Sigh I even feel like the wicked step mother now. How dare I suggest that BM an skids duke out their own problems without the running to whomever pleases them, IF that is what truly happened. I just feel like a shell of my former self and again, another me problem but my marriage failing is hitting me hard. I think come Monday, when I can speak freely again, it'll be a "how do we end this" talk. I think it's mainly the lack of feeling like I have a partner in this.
Update
SD18 comes home this morning and the story is bm was frustrated while getting ready for this wedding. She was running late, started yelling and telling SD18 she was hogging the bathroom blah blah, you had all day blah go without me... skids refuse. She gets upset, they call their grandmother who talks to BM telling her she can't force the kids to go and she gets more upset and tells skids to leave. So now they are here and I can only pray that this blows over Monday. If not, I will be staying with family. These children aren't neglected, bm has issues, but these kids are entitled and unhelpful at home from what I hear. I also over heard SD18 say her mom cut off her phone so that SD18 couldn't ignore her...then turned it back on. Thinking maybe papa would step in but DH deflected ... did you know whoever owns the account can see all your calls. Clever DH... cause SD18 says grandpa already offered to pay. Smh the drama. I believe what is happening is that the kids are leaving out their part. It's whatever, BM wouldn't be helpful in that she's somehwhat untrustworthy... she likes to look good to outside family members. I guess she is struggling personally, I just never really considered what the fallout would be if the kids had to live here.