Boundaries
Ss17 came into our room while we were sleeping to tell DH ( I was excluded from convo) BM needed an advance in childsupport for her dogs vet bill. And DH went ahead paid and went back to sleep. I pretty much know why he did it, but it boils my blood that this woman stonewalls us and then sends a child to do her job in asking... they are court ordered to speak through an app and she doesn't respond. I pretty much just feel like it is not our friggen problem that BM can't afford one of the three dogs that she has. People who should not own animals... quits job when she receives a minimal settlement from an accident. I am so pissed that I have no words for him.
- RoundIGo's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Our late BM did this all the time
She'd tuck the delinquent utility bills in the kid's backpack as evidence. Sometimes, the late notices from the mortgage company. Of course DH was paying CS which was supposed to be used for shelter expense like, you know, utility bills. He couldnt stand the idea of the utilities being turned off on his kids so he'd pay them. He had overpaid quite a bit when I started keeping track. Ultimately, we paid the bills directly and gave her less cash. She didn't work and couldn't handle money.
I steamed over the situation for ages but once I started keeping track for us, my blood pressure went down. Ultimately, all 3 moved in with us full time and BM remarried so her money management skills were somebody else's problem.
Scared
We are at the point in our relationship that every conversation turns sour. I don't even have the energy anymore.
Yep
I know just what you mean.
Thanks
Because here on this forum I'm pretty sure you mean it. It feels like giving up and letting BM and SD have their ATM. He only sees me as a nag now and conversations turn heated so I am closing down. There are no words left, we just do not perceive things anywhere near close.
The good news
I see your SKs are in their late teens so perhaps the end is in sight.
Haha! Oh, JRI, you know
Haha! Oh, JRI, you know better than that!
smh. DH has no balls and apparently no brain either.
He needs to not react to BM demands other than with "You get your CS as the CO stipulates. Manage your bills."
When BM uses the Skid, Daddy needs to tell the kid that he pays BM for the Skid's support, not for the dog and tell the kid that his mother needs to manage her household bills.
Kids need the facts. DH needs to man up and quit being BM's beck and call bitch.
smh
Since you already know this is not working for you, get on with your life and put this failed man, failed father, failed partner and his failed family behind you. Get on with hour life.
Disengagement is your FRIEND
Repeat that in your head any time you get angry at the situation. But also state your boundaries clearly and consistantly, without wavering.
If he gets sour, just make it about you and your comfort levels. No, skids cannot walk into your bedroom while you are sleeping.
Oh yes and...
I recall right before COVID lockdown March 2020, Toxic Troll requested "her support check" be early because she needed cash for her vacation to Hawaii.
Nope. CS is paid on a COd schedule for a reason.
Primarily to ensure support for SKid basic life needs. Secondarily so the adults are held accountable. The NCP to pay their CS as ordered and on time, and the CP to budget their expenses.
No F'n way should an NCP rescue an irresponsible CP. They have no duty of support for the CP. The NCP duty of support is for their children. 'But the kids........!!' Nope. Each parent has the responsibility to care for their COD children when their children are with them.
If the CP gets stuck in the middle of nowhere because they brain farted their bills, they can wait until they are rescued. If the Skids are with the CP, the NCP can call 911 to get their kid's rescued.
Nope.
The SpermGrandHag had a habbit of forcing SS to spend his travel money on filling up the Hag mobile gas tank and paying for restaurant meals for the Hag and the 3 younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by 2 other baby mamas.
So, we quit giving SS emergency travel cash and set up a zero balance debit card that his mom/my DW could immediately transfer money in and out of. When SS would land at the airport in SpermLand, DW would immediatley take the debit card to $0.00. There were a number of occassions where the Hag had filled up her gas tank and SS's card would not work, or they were at a meal and SS's card would not work.
SpermGrandPa had to drive to where-ever they were sitting waiting for him to come pay for their gas or for their restaurant bill. SpermGrandHag would be all pissed off about that. SS was reticent about it. Not his problem. He learned to ignore the SpermGrandHag's rants about how that CS was their money and DW should pay them while SS was on SpermClan visitation, blah, blah, not fair, blah, blah, blah, starving sister and younger brothers, blah, blah, blah. SS knew the facts. That is what pissed the Hag off most of all.
Ha!
That Must Be In The PlayBook
BM always wanted CS early. There was always some emergency, the last one being an electric bill with a disconnect notice. I remember the incident because we were in the mall shopping when she rang in. He said yes, I was furious. I mean, the woman was getting $2k in CS per month along with a hefty Spousal support payment my DH offered her so that she could get an education and support herself. (3 years and she pissed it all away; no education). She was making more money than me, who was working 48 hours a week. SMH
I told DH that was the last time or he could go back to her and support her greedy, uncontrolable spending habit. He said he was worried about the kids. I told him, tell her this is the last time. Next time, they WILL disconnect so she better learn to manage her $4k a month a little better. At that point, he had to compose a letter, documenting all the "early" payments and we had 3 months of zero CS to pay. Not sure how she managed during that time. LOL
Vicious cycle
I feel like I'm in a cycle that I cannot stop. The arguments repetitive and we just have opposite opinions on matters regarding his children. Eow like clockwork it will be tense and arguments will happen. And round I go...
Update:
I told DH to message BM on the court appointed app and let her know future requests must go through the app or they will not be considered. He did. I know this is the right way to handle this, because sending your kids to guilt your ex for money isn't right. These kids feel so sorry for their mom, and I'm pretty sure they believe it is his responsibility. (He did not purchase said dogs, BM and her ex bf did) Why she failed to ask that dude idk. I'm still upset and now I can just wait for the next round of drama. She'll likely not respond... smh. What now we do her favors and she's a witch in return?
Time for daddy to review the CO with his spawn. Regularly.
This starts to pull BM's teeth as far as COD manipulation is concerned.
Review the CO, the court reporter records, the CS order, how much DH has paid BM over hte years, etc, etc, etc...
Then ask the kids where htey think their money went. With an explaination that it is THEIR money pay for THEIR support by THEIR father. it is not mommy's money to spend on dogs that daddy has never had anything to do with.
The more crap BM serves to the kids, the more firmly and completely the kids receive the facts. These are not young CODs. These are young adult CODs. The facts matter. The facts give these kids the ability to protect themselves now, in real time, from mommy's manipulations, and more importantly, protect themselves as adults from her manipulative crap and stupid decisions. People like this BM rarely if ever stop their toxic crap and begging others to bail them out from under their stupid decisions. Kids need the facts.
Facts are neither good not bad. They are merely facts.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
My #2 made a brilliant play
My #2 made a brilliant play when settling his divorce from the BM of his two now teen sons, when she left him for her second DH.
To protect his then looming USAF retirement he offered her a shit ton of monthly $ on top of the COd CS. She wanted the money and signed away any claim to his USAF retirement in large part earned while they were married. So she gets an elevated level of CS until the kids turn 18. He gets his retirement unencombered for the rest of his life. She gets squat after the kids age out from under the CO.
His eldest is within 2yrs of 18 and his youngest is within 4yrs of 18. Then... he is done with the XW.
His CS has at least in notable part supplemented the life styles of his X, her 2hd DH, their BKs, and the 2nd DH's prior relationship spawn. BM's shit has diluted the benefit that his own children get from the ~$1500mo he pays in CS.
His XW is going through yet another divorce. He is prepared for her to take a run at more CS. He regularly provides her with the CS calculation tables which shows clearly that he has voluntarily over paid for the entire duration of the CO and tells her that if she goes after more, she will likely lose quite a bit as he will no longer voluntarily over pay and will immediatley pay only what is COd. He has been paying CS for 11yrs.
What she doe not know is that on top of the income from his USAF retirement checks each month, that he is a $6figure annual salary earner.
The half of the blended family equation that knows the facts, understands the CO, continually remains current on county, state, and federal rules, and refuses any cries from the oppostion has the advantage.
That there are so many who live in a self imposed state of ignorance on all of this is mind boggling to me.