Contempt of Court, Finally!
At risk of being a blog hog, I had to share that this dumpster fire of a week continues with maximum drama, and we don't even have skids this week.
Crazy has been at a 10/10 with her insane messages to DH on OFW. It really escalated the past 6 months. The other day she demanded he do something and then called him an idiot. At least 2-3 times a week she sends messages saying he/we are terrible parents, he doesn't care about skids and "makes them stay in their rooms or go play outside by themselves instead of spending time with them", and they feel "so sad at our house" because DH just doesn't pay any attention to them and he chooses "other people" over them, that "SD is right, she will never have a relationship with you because you don't care". DH actually printed the messages last night and he hadn't told me about half of what she had written- it is constant criticism and harassment. She clearly doesn't care about the communication guidelines we created for OFW (no excessive communication, it must be professional, no bashing, and can only be about 3 topics, which are basically emergencies or Dr. appt's) and doesn't think he will ever do anything about it, even though we specifically had it included that violation of the guidelines could result in contempt of court. I've been telling him for a while that this is out of control and not sustainable- It is SO frustrating, and reminiscent of when DH and I first started dating and she was nonstop texting nasty things and I was ready to bail on the whole thing.
Yesterday DH was looking for a therapist for SD after her "I want to kill myself" statement, and he grudgingly sent Crazy a message to let her know. Her response was that him "yelling at SD in the car yesterday was very damaging and he chose someone else over SD", and that she "heard from someone close to DH that he's known about this for a while", and SD needs to be in therapy immediately. Um....SS told me on Sunday night that SD makes statements at Crazy's house all the time about wanting to kill herself (this is the first time she's said it around DH), but Crazy has never tried to find her a therapist or done anything about it. And in her trying to make DH look bad by saying she heard he's "known about it for a while", she actually makes herself look bad also, because she's saying she knew also. I just can't. DH had to get a referral from SD's primary physician for a therapist, and he got that last night. This morning while trying to schedule the appt, they said they needed verbal permission from Crazy also...so they called her, called DH back, and in that conversation he found out that when they called Crazy ONLY for permission, she scheduled an appt. with some random therapist (DH did lots of research and found one that specializes in youths, and is a younger woman SD would more likely relate to/open up to). She just wanted to be able to tell SD "I scheduled an appt. for you", but she didn't schedule it until NOVEMBER! DH made an appt. with the psychologist he found for August and canceled her November one.
Anyway, yesterday when he tried to send a professional message about SD being suicidal to Crazy and how he was looking for a therapist, and she couldn't even keep that professional and unleashed on him, DH only replied "This is the last straw- see you in court". She replied "No response needed". *lol* Literally the dumbest person I've ever encountered...
So, DH is serious, has filled out the Contempt of Court paperwork, printed all of the messages from OFW showing she initiates constant communication that is harassing, aggressive, not within the guidelines whatsoever, and he is also going to include the texts from SS when she kicked them out in Dec and Jan and SS said this isn't a stable environment, and that she made them delete all pics/videos of me from their phones (CO clearly states no speaking poorly of SM or any of their family).
My question is, I know that CoC can be hard to win or get a judge to do anything about, and we need to show specific examples, keep it concise and not just say "she always does this"....but what else? Anyone have experience with this and how to best get it to work? What about punishments? Should we have ideas of what we want to see happen, or does a Judge just make a determination? Ideas on what could happen? We honestly just want her to stop with the criticism, constant messages, and harassment, stop trying to PAS the kids (I know this one may not happen), and have some peace, and at this point are willing to try it because we have no other options and this just cannot be the way it is for 5+ more years.
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Congratulations on your SO finally taking direct action.
Good luck with the courts. With the toxicity and volume of evidence your DH has submitted, you may get the Court to take action against BM.
I would be saving every character of that crap from BM for review with the Skids as they get older nad progress into adulthood. They need to know the depravity they will have to counter as adults in relation to their mother. We landed on the "Facts are neither good not bad, they are merely facts." and making sure SS had the facts about his toxic SpermClan in an age appropriate manner as an effective method for managing the toxic opposition and in continually preparing SS to protect himself from their manipulation and lies.
They hated that he knew the facts and hated it worse when he aged out from under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO and shut them down when they would try to guilt him into supporting his three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas. They actually attempted to get him to implement direct payroll withholding from his pay checks to provide them with money for his underage younger half sibs. Their crap was incessent for the 16+ years we lived under the CO. He shut them down once there was no Court mandated visitation once he turned 18.
Meanwhile 10+ years later and back at the ranch..... He SS-29 is kicking ass as an adult. Personally, professionally, etc... Of his three younger half sibs.... one is on the dole, one is in prison, and the thrid is not far behind the inmate. It is truly sad. The main difference between the four of them is that SS was raised by his mom and I while the younger three were raised by the incessent multiple generational parenting failures of the SpermClan.
I feel for all of you in this.
Good luck.
Thanks Rags
It's interesting to hear how others handled it as skids get older. We will be in this position as well (we already are), and it's such a struggle between showing them the evidence/messages, or letting the chips fall where they may to keep skids from being in the middle even more. DH doesn't show them the messages now (he has in the past, when she messaged DH to tell him skids hate me and consider me "an alcoholic living in their home"), which skids were baffled by. But I think there will come a day.
IMHO it isn't about kids in the middle. It is about kids being
able to protect themselves. That is ultimately where DW and I landed on keeping SS abreast of the facts and the truth. Even though they knew that he knew, they would occassionally attempt to manipulate him.
We were not with him when he was on SpermLand visitation. As an adult, we are not able nor are we inclined to remain in constant battle with them to defend our son. He is far more than capable of defending himself from their crap. Long ago he learned the power of facts, the truth, and zero tolerance for their crap.
It is sad that so many Parents/Sparents have a mental deadline on when all of the crap stops. Ageing out from under the CO is not the end. It is just potentially the end for the non toxic half of a kid's blended family to get out of the game. When a kid is damned to have a toxic half to their gene pool, that kid potentially never reaches the end of having to protect themselves from the manipulative liars.
Part of what the quality side of the blended family equation owes themselves and their Kids/Skids is to make sure the Kids/Skids are knowledgeable of the facts and trained to protect themselves from the periodic if not incessent drama from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.
In my son's case, he put them in their place and has successfully kept them their since a couple of years after aging our from COd visitation. They make about zero effort other than to play the periodic guilt card, he puts the mirror up and makes it clear "You have never visited me. Ever. Not when there was COd visitation where I lived growing up, and not since I have become an adult. You expect me to come to you on my dime when you will not invest a Cent nor a second in visiting me." If, as a family, we are in SpermLand visiting my bride's family, he will reach out to see them for a few hours. Beyond that, there is little between SS and the SpermClan.
The three of us and my family on the other hand, will go to the ends of the Earth to see each other.
I don't like to be too
I don't like to be too negative.. but in the end.. I don't think the court will do much of anything. What do YOU want? For BM to go to jail for a few days? There really aren't a lot of teeth that the courts will use for cases like yours.
Sure.. her communication is not per the directions.. but there is always plenty of room for BM to try to justify what she wrote.. do a "poor ole me.. they are so mean to me.."
And.. courts aren't going to want to deprive the kids of their "motherrrrr"..
So, if this costs money? I wouldn't pursue it.
HOnestly, I would just ignore the diatribes.. and just answer the questions that are legit.. ignore the rest.
We don't have very high hopes either
I think we are at the point where even a judge telling her to just knock it the F off would be a win...she's crazy, but she doesn't want to lose custody, so even that would be enough to shut her up and give peace for a while. It's all documented on the Family Wizard, so she doesn't have much of a leg to stand on to defend herself- it's very clear she is the one initiating all of this. The act of taking her to court alone may be enough to shut her up. Ideally, a fine/parenting class/few days in jail/throat punch would happen, but that would all be icing on the cake.
Every court action we had the satisfaction of
Every court action we had the satisfaction of the Judge lecturing the SpermIdiot.
Not much ever came of it beyond the ass chewing as far as behviral modification was concerned. But that alone was extremely satisfying.
We resoundingly won every time we went to court. We successfully defended a custody attempt, we had CS raised, anything and everything they initiated in court was denied by the Judges, etc...
However, even with our legal success, I have never left family law court feeling other than I needed to take a scalding hot high pressure shower with Lye soap. It is just a skeevy process in my experience.
That said, even the ~$10K we spent in blended family legal actions over the years was well worth watching that POS and the SpermGrandHag weasle around while the Judge chewed their asses for their crap. Oddly, just before the ass chewing by the Judge, the Judge would expound on how lucky any child would be to "have the love of such a fine family".
Yes!!
I'm totally going to any court hearing just in the hope he may chew her ass. Lol. I can just imagine the satisfaction.
Taking her to court for this
Taking her to court for this will let her know she's getting to you. And when nothing happens, she'll be emboldened to do it more.
If she is easily embarassed, she might stop, but given her behavior, it seems unlikely.
Does she have access to money
Does she have access to money for a lawyer? Calling out the crazy to our BM worked for us but we didn't have the wizard thing, we did it ourselves. Does she have a rep to protect? Does shame work on her? Abuser hate to be exposed. I think it's a 50/50 shot whether this will work but if nothing else, getting SD therapy would be a win. Make that your goal.
Facts are just that, facts and wondering why something is said or done to the skids so they can start with the wondering too worked for us. Nothing better than sending a skid back with questions about their mother's behaviors. Do what's best but don't hide the truth or let lies go unchallenged in the skid's minds.
She has nothing
No lawyer, nothing. I'm not sure she's capable of embarrassment (or human emotion, as Satan usually isn't), but she certainly gets fearful of losing custody when she does something exceptionally crazy to the kids (she thought for sure we were taking her to court after she tried to kick skids out). When we put the communication guidelines in place 2yrs ago, they worked amazingly well. She has since lost her fear of them, so a reminder with a. Court date should last us a while at least. And frankly, doing nothing is not an option. It is SO disruptive and draining, and constant. I'm not the doormat kind to just sit back and "ignore" for 5 more years. I don't have a tolerance for bullshit, so if there's a chance this will work (and I think it will do something at least) then We're definitely going to try.