Do the stepkids ever get better
Hello everyone, I've read some posts from some other people about their issues with trying to get along with the stepkids and weighing whether or not it's worth it to stay. I've been trying to get along with my SD (12) for about 3 years now. In the beginning she was shy didnt talk much and wasn't really around due to my BF X wife keeping her away. After 2 years she wanted to move in with her dad. He was super excited and wanted me and her to hang out more ect. As time went on she started getting annoyed easily, slamming doors, knocking things over when her dad doesn't give her what she wants, she's always on her phone, rolling her eyes if you ask her simple questions that are normal like how are you today ect. I've tried and tried to keep the peace with her but now she's getting very hateful. I overheard her telling her friend on her phone that I am "so annoying" that she hates that her dad is with me and that I stole her dad from her mom. First off I met AFTER he was divorced for 5 years. I've never treated her bad or did anything to upset her. It really hurts me cause her dad was just telling me how he wants to get serious with me and settle down. We don't live with each other BTW. But with the way it's seeming i don't feel welcome by his SD.
I'm wondering based on yalls experiences, do stepkids every change or does the situation always seem to get worse? I've tried and tired to get along with SD. I offered to take her shopping, tried talking about stuff ect but she always has this attitude and her responses are so short you can't even answer. On top of that what she said about me "stealing" her dad from her mom really bothers me. Her dad wants me to keep trying but he doesn't do anything to stop the rude behavior he just says it's normal let it be.
Sorry, it won't get better
Sorry, it won't get better and will likely get worse - particularly since your bf puts everything on you by saying YOU have to keep "trying" and does nothing about his mean girl.
Don't settle for this - you get one life. Choose to find a happy drama free life instead.
Not Here
16 years in. Met DH AFTER the BM left him overseas and divorced him here in USA. He had two kids under 18 and the rest were adults. The oldest daughter (in her mid 20's then) was very much like your SD. To this day, she still tries to call the shots when she can. A bit difficult for her now since I've disengaged completely and haven't seen her in 4 years. Whatever she does, DH keeps to himself and at this point, I just don't care. It doesn't affect me.
The behaviors I dealt with from all of his now adult kids were atrocious. it's unimaginable to me, a kind loving person, as to how any human could treat another human the way they've treated me. I'm innocent. BM divorced my DH; no affair. DH and I met and dated 18 months. I did everything in my power to make it work, INCLUDING going to counseling with the BM and her sister (trying to co-parent). My reward was almost destroying myself mentally and physically.
To make things even worse, my ex-husband and I get along great. His wife and I are friends and all our kids are friendly. We have a beautiful blend on one side and hell on the other. Hard to rationalize it all sometimes. Heaven in one side. Hell on the other.
Tread carefully. That comment of you stealing her dad from her mom...I got that, too.
Be Worried
Be worried about the SD comment that you "are stealing her dad from her mom." That sounds like my oldest SD who is now 20 and living on her own. She was 10 when her dad and I met. He had been going through a divorce and custody battle for 2 years after he came home one day and his ex wife had changed the locks. She had been sleeping with his best friend and work associate, who was also married, and decided she wanted their home all to herself. She told the kids a variety of lies but never owned up to what really happened. DH had dated a few other women before me, which the kids knew about.
Oldest SD never quite accepted me into her life. She manipulated, whined, sabotaged, and repeated her mom's lies to her sisters and guilted them into believing them for awhile, until they got older and wiser. Then, when she was 17, she told her dad to "leave her or I am moving in with mom." He refused, and she left. He was hurt and disappointed in her, but I think that is the first time he understood that all those years I told him she was manipulating the situation, I was telling the truth. He just didn't want to see it. He didn't think she could be so cold. Well.... thankfully her sisters didn't feel that way. They love me and I love them.
Your skid sounds like she had had this idea planted in her head and it stuck. Once its in there, its hard to change. She also allows you to overhear her talking badly about you, which makes me think she has very little respect for you or your feelings. That's not a good sign. Be wary of this relationship unless Dad takes control and lays down the law. If he doesn't , you will be fighting her for a long time.
That SD needs to know that her BM is an adulterous whore.
Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts. The BM's manipulative lying delusions need to be confronted and her ass bared. The kids need the facts in order to be able to insulate themselves from their mother's bullshit. In an age appropriate manner of course.
The same applies when daddy is the adulterous POS.
As SS-STB30 grew up and the SpermClan manipulations and lies escalated we seasoned him with the facts. Including periodic CO reviews, arrest record reviews, marriage and divorce records, the Spermidiots statutory rape career, etc...... how the dumbass never paid a penny of CS to support SS while they whined about how it'll wasn't fair the the three younger also out of wedlock SoermIdiot spawned half sibs did not have the nice things that SS had, etc...
Always in response to a lie or manipulation that SS would ask us about upon returning from a SpermLand visitation.
Oh how they hated, and still hate, the facts. SS owns their asses to this day because he knows the facts.
Not that his mom and I don't have some regrets. No kid should have to experience what many of our SKids have to experience with a shallow and polluted end of their gene pools. However, our responsibility as his parents was to raise him to be able to recognize their crap and to protect himself from their crap when we were not present to have his back.
It is the quality side of the blended family Adventist have to counter the shallow and polluted side and prepare the Skids to thrive and be viable adults.
IMHO of course.
Quit trying.
The Skid needs to comply with standards of behavior and performance or suffer. Her choice. Deliver to the standards or live a life if escalating abject misery.
Tell your DH that SD is the child and needs to do as she is told. Adults do not jump through their asses backwards for the toxic failed family spawn of a mate. The mate needs to so step up and parent.
I am 30+ years into this...
For me, it can get better if your BF gets his head out of his ass and starts setting boundaries and starts parenting. Otherwise, life with a SD is living hell. I have a restraining order against SD40 (Leech) and have set major boundaries with DAH (Dumb Ass Husband) that he is not to even mention Leech to me.
Life is too short to live with a BF that is a shitty parent and expects you to kiss your SD butt to make her like you. RUN!!
It got better with my skids
It got better with my skids AFTER I stopped trying so hard. But, they are adults and live several states away. We're on permanent ignore and it works just fine, mostly.
It doesnt get better
UNLESS things change drastically.
Your partner needs to readjust his thinking. On several fronts:
1. SD's disrespectful treatment of you is NoT normal. Yeah teens are hard. But the reason they are hard is because moody. Testing boundaries. Your partner needs to parent her.
2. YOU need to TRY HARDER? Heck no he needs to PARENT HARDER.
3. The twsting of the truth? Shes no doubt being fed this by her mother. Your partner needs to tell SD the truth of things, and repeat this truth.
So - yes its possible things get better, but they dont get better by you twisting yourself into a pretzel to please SD.
For us it really wasn’t ever bad.
The Skid was usually great. His mom and I were partners in our marriage and in raising SS. He is kicking ass in his life. Sadly his three younger also out of wedlock half sibs are crashing and burning.
It was the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool (The SpermClan) that was our particular blended family cross to bear.
In your situation I would say
In your situation I would say no, it won't get better as you don't have the most fundamental ingredient for an effective blended family and that is unity/team with your partner. Your partner refuses to pull his daughter into line and offers you no support and that would be a deal breaker for me.
Even with that support and working as a team, as is the case for my DH and me, it won't always be great. I love my SS15 and we get along great but I've just never been able to bond with SD17 and am just biding my time until she's an adult and I no longer have to see her so much. I semi-disengaged a few years back from SD and I leave her mostly to DH now. It's not that I don't do stuff for her or don't interact with her, but I leave decisions and punishment mostly up to DH and I just stopped being invested. I don't run around after her anymore or try to help fix her mistakes etc, it's her life and she can deal with the consequences of her behaviour.
DH's relationship with SD has also been declining for some time and I personally think he's grieving right now as he's lost hope that she will change and turn into a decent person. I really feel for him as it can't be nice to have a child you don't like and find so dissapointing. Of course he loves her but he doesn't like her.
Rags will tell you that all things are possible with kids through discipline but I don't think that's always true. We have tried everything with SD but no punishment has ever been effective and she never learns from her mistakes. When there are a range of mental health things going on (diagnosed ADD) and likely an undiagnosed anti-social personality disorder you just can't punish someone into having empathy or caring about other people. My SD's nature is fixed, always has been unfortunately.
I really encourage you to cut your losses with this man and find someone who is willing to form a team with you and back you up. Best of luck!
I'm sorry that you are having to live the SD-17 thing.
While certainly am a structure, standards of behavior, standards of performance, and application of consequences proponant, it is sad that not every kid is salvageable. Some are just lost causes. With those, the application of standards and consequences is not to salvage the kid, but to minimize their negative impact on the lives of others.
When the unsalvageable situation occurs, the focus has to shift to protecting everyone else. Applying an escalating state of abject misery on the unsalvageable can keep them contained until they leave.
Just my thoughts of course.
Sorry rags it seems I judged
Sorry rags it seems I judged you a little harshly, your posts just always made it seem like good structure and discipline fixes everything. Don't get me wrong, it's very important and does solve a lot of problems but as you say not all.
My solution to protecting myself was to semi-disengage from SD and that certainly helped. I also keep the timeline very firmly in my mind (ie one year until she turns 18) as my light at the end of the tunnel to keep me going.
That being said, we think we have the hardest years with SD ahead of us once she finishes high school at the end of this year and attempts to adult. DH and I have agreed on plans for the boundaries we will put in place for that period of SD's life which will no doubt push her closer to BM who has always enabled SD's irresponsiblity all these years.
No worries and no apologies necessary Loxy.
There is no one size fits all easy button solution to Sparenting. Or any kind of parenting I suppose. Structure and discipline were/are my self preservation techniques. Behaviors are choices, choices are made by the individual. Those choices include choosing the consequences. Skids, the blended family oppostion, ILs, etc... choose the conseqences when they choose to deviate from the standards whether those standards are the CO, etc....
This keeps the emotion contained while dealing with the problem. For me the emotion follows. I too have lost sleep, shed tears, and worked through the emotion of Skid behaviors. Mostly when holding my sobbing bride when she has struggled with it all. But the behavioral focus, never let them see you sweat, or see you choke up tactic was a huge life saver for me. Luckily for me, my Skid has never been a lost cause and on the relative scale of SKid quality, mine was a gem. Mainly due to his incredible mom.
So I avoided much of the repeatedly recycled heart break that so many SPs experience. That and my DW has for the most part always had my back as a SP and held SS to the standards that we both set.
Now that we are empty nesters, nearly 12 years and counting, and our kid is approaching 30, his mom and I are enjoying each other and him more and more. It is remarkable how the disappearance of the SpermClan has made our family experience even better.
I don't know if it ever gets
I don't know if it ever gets better with stepkids. It didn't in my situation and I was in it for nearly 8 years. In fact it gradually got worse the more time went on. I am sure it doesn't help that your spouse blames you for not trying hard enough and does nothing about his little mean girl, ill mannered, manipulative brat of a daughter.
My sd’s were the same. Faked things in the beginning but
My gut said they were off. I met hubby 5.5 yrs after the divorce where biomum had been cheating on my exhusband about 2 yrs before the divorce was finalised and 1 yr before hubby initiated a separation.
sd's had the nerve to call daddy with fake crocodile tears that he abandoned them to marry me and have 2 kids with me and how dare he move on with life without them.
firstly, they cut off contact with their dad over the lies they knew their mum made. Secondly, they chose to cease contact for 5.5 yrs. thirdly, daddy isn't gonna waste his life in limbo over manipulators. Fourthly, he never required your permission or blessing to marry and have kids with me and fifthly, skids need to stop inserting themselves into private adult married stuff thats none of their business.
lastly, skids are such miserable pathetic replicas of biomum, that the fact hubby prefers and prioritises time with us should make you reflect on yourself why is it hubby doesn't wanna torture himself with outings with skids ranting on nonstop about biomum and stepdad like they're relevant to us when not.
hun i feel you. I'm 7.5 yrs married to hubby with 2 young kids, i cut off any relationship with skids 2.5 yrs ago and last had contact mid 2019 with ss and late 2018 with sd's.
life is so much better than with them in it
No, never... our dh's may
No, never... our dh's may take their head out of one dirt hole, but end up sticking their head in a totally new dirt hole.... it never gets better, mostly it only gets worse
I would stop trying with her.
I would stop trying with her. You can only do so much and honestly it's a blessing that you don't live with her. I might have said something if overheard that directly to her. There's no reason for it.. sounds like it's coming right from the BM
Nope
If you thinks SD is annoying now just wait until you move in or GASP marry the guy (who doesnt parent most likely) with a snotty SD.
Id go for that loaf of bread and never to return.
Seriously dating shouldnt be this complicated and if it is then PLEASE DO NOT move in or marry. It aint worth it.
I’m so sorry it won’t get better
The hurt just gets you more. I've been step mother for 20 years. They are now 32,30 and 24. SD30 got married 2020 and asked me beforehand if she could have a photo with mum and dad. I didn't bat an eyelid. The BM decided to talk to me all day and I was pleasant as well. Now 5 events later im being excluded again at every possibility. I have had no end of lectures about how I am now a Nan as well so to ensure I buy x,y and z. Babysit once a month for date night, but this weekend they have broken my heart. In my SG's 1st birthday (first time I've used the word step for him but it is exactly that) they decided they wanted a biological grandparents only photo and split me and my husband so he could stand with his ex and her mother in law. I was told I could have a step Nan one next so I walked out. It was so hard when they were younger I really thought it was getting better but then weddings and grandchildren happened and the monster times have returned. I have a biological son and have never treated him differently or thought about treating his children differently if he had them. I can't cope with another generation of divided families I think I'm done.
As my 3 SSs are now young
As my 3 SSs are now young adults 24, 21 and 19..Ive been SM for 17 years..I too worry about this in the future. I will once again become an invisible doormat with all the expectations without any of the benefits. H and I have 2 kids together 12 and 8..so leaving isn't an easy decision..but I have had enough. I do not have the energy to fight to keep my SSs from ripping my family apart.
My condolences on the commitment your SKids have to a failed
My condolences on the commitment your SKids have to the delusions of the fantasy they have regarding their failed family. Your GSkids are screwed and ... it isn't your fault at all.
My bride would never try to separate me from any pics at a family event, and I for sure would not try to separate her from any pics at a family event on my side. With the exception of the OutLaw pic which I started the tradition of when my DW's younger sibs started marrying. We do not allow spawn or any of the ILs or spouses in that pic. It is for the OutLaws and the OutLaws alone.
it very rarely gets better
it very rarely gets better and unfortunetly your DH doesnt want to pull his daughter up on her bad behaviour toward you ,, this is the pattern for your life if you move in with them. Stop trying with anything. All that will happen is she will do her best to come between you and her dad, and the older they get the better their plans become to divide and conquer. it almost becomes fun for them to watch the hurt unfold. My exSS (12 at the time) would do all sorts of terrible things toward me , when i was always supportive and caring ,I did all the things a mother should do that his bio mother didnt etc but still I was targeted and pushed out. Then I became the wicked witch in DH's eyes for not liking his son. I had to hide away in my own home every other week when the brat returned. Your BF is always going to chose his little princess over you regardless, he sounds like a shit parent and a shit BF to allow all this to happen. continue your relatioship with him however do not marry or move in with ,, you will regret it
Sad.
Im sorry you lived that.
I have been a step parent for
I have been a step parent for almost 17 years..with 3 SS. In my opinion..based on my experience solely..it got worse and worse and worse as the 3 boys entered teen years. Now they are young adults, 2 moved back with XW and 1 is still here..and my life is a living nightmare. The worst part is that this one still at home had an excellent and very close relationship with me..but once he turned 16 that all changed. He is now 19 and claims him and I never had a good relationship and that I ruined his life. He lives here as an adult and refuses to contribute to anything..god forbid when he does because he complains relentlessly about having to do ANYTHING. In all honesty I wish I would have walked away many years ago. They have made my life HELL. I thought if I stayed they would become adults and move on with their lives...so wrong. H and I have 2 kids together which adds to the family dynamics and I am accused weekly that I treat my kids better than I treated my SSs. When I have not..I actually treated them better because I was scared to discipline or yell at them..they could do whatever they wanted. My children cannot and they do have consequences that the SSs never had. I have hated my life for the most part..it has been lonely and miserable because the stepkids bio parents..your partner.. will always take their sides..out of guilt...they will enable their bad behavior and make excuses for them every single time. Good Luck. If u have not had kids together yet then I would walk away from it. Your love for one another will never outweigh their love for their children and it is an endless fight that will drain and hollow u out.
Aren't these SSs in school or
Aren't these SSs in school or college or something?
It can get better but I wouldn't count on it
Things didn't get better here until I literally threw SD and DH out of the house. DH eventually came back without her; he moved her to his parents and she drove them insane. All the things I claimed she was doing she did at her grandparents and suddenly; it wasn't so cute anymore.
Fast forward, she finally completed college, got a decent job, married a nice guy and has a child. Her husband has children from a previous marriage so she is getting a dose of toxic stepparenting now and has since then apologized to me for how she acted when she was here. We get along quite well now.
In fact; she's better behaved than DH who is currently being an asshat and giving me the silent treatment for something completely juvenile and stupid. (rolling eyes)