Any tips on how to deal with the "princess" SD?
My Dh treats SD stb9 like like a princess. She can do no wrong, and nothing is ever good enough for her. I need some coping tools, or constructive tips on how do deal with her, and Dh.
I get no help with ss10, because he's so fixated on SD.
No matter what SD does, he still thinks the sun shines out her ass. The skids get weekly behavior reports from school. SD had three weeks in a row of bad reports, and he didn't ever want to punish her. Week 4, ss gets a bad report and SD has her first good week in a month. Dh calls when he picked up the kids and says, well guess which of the kids got an N report this week?Dh goes on and on about how of coarse SD wasn't the one who had a bad week ect ect, and about how ss needs to be punished ect ect. So even though SD had been acting like an ass in school for weeks, its of coarse she was good, she's somehow the angel.
Just yesterday I ran out to pick up cupcakes/drinks/chips for ss to bring to school for his bday, and when Dh saw the stuff, he immediately goes, and will SD be partaking of any of this? Umm, well being that she isn't in ss class at school no. And he just walks away.
Last night SD was being nasty as usual, and using her hands to pull cut watermelon out of the serving bowl, I tell her not to use her hands, and to eat it with a fork. She gets a fork, and as soon as I turn my back she throws the fork in the sink and goes and eat it with her hands. I comei.to the living room a few minutes later and she eating with both fists, juice running down both arms, dripping off her elbows and on to the carpet. I tell her again to get a fork and mention that I already told her that, and I don't appreciate her throwing the fork in the sink when she thought I wasn't looking. Dh just laughs about. Like its so funny that she directly disobeys me and is a nasty pig. He jokes and laughs about it, and continues on laughing about how SD always come out looking good, and I look like the awful nut whenever she does these things..... All this in front of SD.
Everytime I try to say something either about the difference in how he rests the skids, about her behavior, or how he doesn't support me with her..... He blows my concerns off, and get very defensive..... About how I hate her and am always picking on her ect ect. It's like he only has eyes for her, and sees everything from her perspective.
Every little issue is now driving me crazy with her. Any suggestion would be appreciated.
He is slowly but surely
He is slowly but surely creating an evil little freakin' monster. You better stop this shit quick. He is undermining your authority and basically turning you into a laughing stock. Not to mention, being cruel and unfair to his son.
You two are in a competition and he's winning. Your team consists of you and the step son. His team consists of him and his princess. And everyone know, mean girls (he's acting like one) finish first. They always have and always will. You need to put on your best mean girl skirt and kick his snotty ass hard.
If he's this unfair to his
If he's this unfair to his own son, how does he treat your kids? Or do you have your own? Sometimes you just have to sit down when things are very calm and say, "hey, we need to talk. I'm very serious. This is important. blah blah."
I would have said this re the
I would have said this re the watermelon
"if we allow her to eat like this - she will do it at other peoples houses and we dont want the neighbourhood branding her as feral or short of manners" 'she is such a princess so she must be reminded to act like one, live up to her name and trim her mannerisms otherwise everyone will be branding her as a skank/slut/bogan/tramp etc'
remind him you are there to help this little girl become a lady...not a lesbian fugly....that should do it.!
We have one joint bioson
We have one joint bioson (2.5), and are expecting a second bioson in May. So ss and sd are his, and we will have 2 together.
Ever since we found out that baby #2 is another boy, he's gotten way worse with SD. Now that he knows she will be the only girl, he's doting on her so much more.
Last week SD had a thing for her classes science fair, and she asked Dh to go. Dh would have been allowed to go to the location, but parents were not allowed to be in the hall where the kids were. So he'd have literally been sitting in the lobby by himself all morning to say hi as she walked in and then 4 hours later say bye as she walked out. He wouldn't tell her no..... Just tells me (in front of her, of coarse) that he was torn and didn't know what to do, cause SD wanted him to go. So I had to be the bad guy and say I thought it was ridiculous to sit in a lobby doing nothing for 4+ hours and SD needed to get over it. He just doesn't get it.
And anytime I try to point anything out, I'm the bad guy. He was actually mad at me for not taking the day off to go to the stupid science fair thing.
Oh geez, I am so sorry. This
Oh geez, I am so sorry.
This is very unhealthy and unbalanced. For everyone, including the daughter.
This is an issue between you and your husband, not you and the step daughter.
If he does not start partnering with you and NOT his daughter, this is only the beginning of a very tumultuous road.
Oder the book Stepmonsters. This is the best tip I can give you.
check out these
check out these links:
http://www.hugoschwyzer.net/2009/10/22/princesses-princes-daughters-and-...
http://debrakaplancounseling.com/articles/emotional-incest/
This is the link to the book Stepmonsters at Amazon-
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_12?url=search-alias%3Dstripbook...
It's him and her. In the
It's him and her. In the begining he backed me up, but over the years I think he realized that it was easier on him to just side with her and not deal with her attitude and bs.
He has moments of clarity where he sees her and her behavior for what it is.... But its very short lived.
It to the point where when he says "you dont even love her do you" I don't know what to say.... Cause right now I am not sure that I do. Yet, I know if I say that all hell would break loose.
Here's the thing, it really
Here's the thing, it really is going to get worse. Because the more y9ou "offend" the more he will "defend". And the more you "defend" ss, the more he will "offend".
This is going to get a lot
This is going to get a lot worse. You need to stop him from undermining you now...
I know, but how? I've tried
I know, but how?
I've tried pointing these things out when they happen, but I look like the nut who is nitpicking, and it always comes down to him shutting me out with the "you don't love her" or "you just hate her".
I've tried bringing it up after the fact, and then I'm the crazy that's been stewing over something small and stupid all day. And shin with the. You just hate her ect ect.
He seems to have very selctive memory with her and thing to do with the skids. So he ends up with a very different memory of the situation that what actually happened. Example... Last Xmas, he was in charge of the camera while I helped bs open gifts. After breakfast I load the.pics on the computer to see them. There was maybe 4 of me and bison/bioson, lime 15 of SD, and NONE of ss. I point this out to him and he denied it..... Saying he only took pics of me and bioson, and a few of the skids. Even with me showing him he was in denial.... Saying he didn't remember taking all those pics of SD, I mean obviously I did, but I don't remeber that I thought I was taking pics evenly. So I ended up not being about to print or post any pictures from Xmas morning, so ss wouldn't know that his father didn't take a single picture of him.
So if photographic evidence doesn't get through to him.... Me pointing out that he isn't fair in other small ways never hits home.
Maybe you need to get
Maybe you need to get aggressive. Really. If he's going to be unfair and display such sickening favoritism, then maybe you should too. Agree to disagree. You take the boy and let him take the girl. Make that boy your bud. Be sure that he gets every penny spent on him that the girl gets. Sometimes you just have to fight fire with fire. He's going to raise and narcisistic person with severe personality problems. His loss. Wait till he starts to seriously favor her over YOUR kids. You're gonna see this crap through a whole new light.
I already do my best to
I already do my best to "equalize" things between the stepkids. It's a vicious cycle though..... The more I do for ss and bioson, to even them out with sd, the more he sees me not doing for her, so he does more for her, and let's her get away with more.
And I totally get his frustration with ss..... He is super hard to deal with (add), but he just doesn't see that SD is worse, with no excuse. Ss does things without thinking..... SD does things on purpose to be spiteful and mean.
It's mostly her behavior and how it affect me and the other kids. He wants to give her all the extra attention, and love, that's his business. But when she's acting a fool and negatively affecting me, my house and the other kids and he is defacto encouraging it, that's what drives me crazy.
You're really going to have
You're really going to have to discuss this issue with him in a very calm environment. It's a never ending battle. I see where you're coming from and where it's going is a hopeless place. Have you ever tried a little reverse phsycology on him? Get him alone and just start complaining about ALL THE KIDS EXCEPT FOR PRINCESS. Lean a little on unfair, but don't say anything that would get the boys in trouble. Just overtly comment on how you wish all of them could be perfect like her. How she is so much more deserving. You have to be subtle. If you play this out correctly, you can cause HIM to see the errors of his own ways. Subtle and gradual, or he will figure you out!
And you can not point them
And you can not point them out when they happen. You need an unheated discussion when there's no arguement to settle. Just a discussion.
I completely feel for you but
I completely feel for you but unfortunately don't really have any real advice because I have the same problem except to say that disengaging helps me. I have good days and bad days.
I see it as a real loss to both me and SD...I honestly believe that it causes me to resent her and for her to live an existance where she will grow up to be a very weak person as an adult. I think that perhaps if she and her father had a normal "father daughter" relationship (in lieu of the boyfriend girlfriend relationship they have now), she and I would have a better relationship and SD might have a better relationship with her own BM as well. Right now she never sees her BM but literally a couple days a month and doesn't see her BM as a parent. I can't help but thinking one day this girl is going to want a relationship with her mother...girls need their moms in their life for more than a playdate when your bored.
You know, I feel your pain so
You know, I feel your pain so much. It's so unrealistic that we are to LOVE like the bio parents do. The book I recommended will talk in such detail about all this stuff. And I know how you feel, not sure if you love her right now AND THIS IS TOTALLY NORMAL!!!!!!
All the experts in Stepfamily field and psychologists in this field will tell you that!
And I totally get not feeling like you can actually say how you feel..it's so toxic to hold all that stuff in.
In the book, Stepmonsters, I just read last night that a 10 year study showed that woman who supress their feelings "self silencing" increased their risk of depression, eating disorders, heart disease and even dying than those who always told their husbands how they felt in a disagreement.
I used to experience this same thing with my husband. He would see it, then totally flip the switch. I read him this book and we started couple's counseling and it has really made a huge difference. Once he got how serious I was and that I was not happy, he has really started to make a huge effort. Consistency is the KEY!!
Keep standing up for yourself!!!
Keep communicating!!
Otherwise, things will not shift.
Remind him when he suggests
Remind him when he suggests that you "hate" her or whatever, that instead of being offended, he should try encouraging your relationship with her. By doing that SD needs to respect you and your requests at home, so when she goes to other peoples houses she is not perceived as rude. That's part of parenting, making sure that kids are going to know right and wrong, and how to be a decent human in society. If this problem continues, I would make a firm point to look for a family counselor, and start counseling.
Here's a conversation to have
Here's a conversation to have next time your having a quite drink before dinner....
My ex husband was brought up to think he could do no wrong....OMG talk about a painful idiot....he was always leaving his job...cos it was his bosses fault not his, in his marriage to me his mother never gave him advice on how to make things better...she just said...ill take you back any time....hence she did in the end and I was left with 3 kids bills and a big mortgage...he thought he was so good at sport football etc but he was useless and couldnt stand the jealousy of others being better than him., he believes smoking wont kill him or make him sick...cos mom smokes, he thinks he can do any job at his work...that the CEO and President dont have further knowledge than he....(he had a year 12 education only) oh he didnt complete college cos he thought he knew more than the professors and lecturers...all the clothes he wore made him look fantastic...or so he thought......HE COULDNT COOK ANYTHING BUT TOAST....drank excessively as he thought he was a funny drunk....as if....he pushed me around and I called the cops...but according to him it was my fault...in the end the cops made him do 'men who wife bash course'
I could go on and on...but you get the picture....
If I confront her directly he
If I confront her directly he jumps to her defense, we argue.... And it just emboldened her more.
I just don't know what to do anymore.... I feel like I've tried everything, and it all blows up in my face.
The one thing we haven't tried is marraige counseling..... But I can't even fathom how we would pull that off. We both work, and our days off don't overlap, and the skids behave so poorly that they have burned bridges with everyone and no one will watch them. We have to beg his parents to watch them in emergencies, so what do we do with the kids every week to go to the appt?
Ahhh the princess
Ahhh the princess syndrome.
Science Fair: "Honey, I know oyu want to be there however this is entirely your choice. If you want to sit around for hours in the hall waiting to say hello, then do it. If you want to go to work, do it. Sadly I HAVE to work so this one is on you."
Watermelon: "Honey (ALWAYS start with a pet name)allowing SD to eat like that makes a mess of the carpet and looks so childish. I think it would be better if she sat at the kitchen table then she can mop up her spills later. Watermelon is a b itch to get out of carpet you know and I am not in any condition to mop it up."
Cupcakes: "SD isn't in SSs class otherwise I would love to take something to her class. However this time it is SSs turn, just to be fair to everyone."
Sex of kids: "Honey, you seem to favour SD because she is your only girl. The crazy thing is the only reason you keep having boys is because your genes dictate this. Bio 101. Men dictate the sex of children. Henry the 8th divorced wives for not giving him an heir to his family yet it was always his fault. Weird huh? So these boys are genetically chosen BY you. If we keep going this way we could end up with a football team!"
Instead of stepping up to the bad guy role (which when we are dealing with spiteful mean Skids comes oh so easily!) step back. Remind DH how babyish she looks eating the way she does and how you are not cleaning up after her. How the decision to attend her Science Fair or not is HIS choice to make. How you made a judgement call on the cupcakes and this is how it is.
Disassociate yourself with the girl and put her (fairly but firmly) in her 9 yr old place.
At one time my DH was indulging his son all the time. We held meals because he was 'running late'. After the 2nd time he was 'running late' I ate my dinner and DH waited for his son. He was ticked off with me but I told him that my meal time is not being changed to accomodate someone who is chronically late. So DH was angry. So what?
Oh and something else that may get his attention..."Honey, when you gang up on me with SD it so hurts my feelings. How can I be intimate wiht someone who doesn't really care about me?"
Yes^^^^Stick to your guns.
Yes^^^^Stick to your guns. You can't be afraid of back lash. Men get mad and we always want to avoid it. It doesn't hurt.