Why doesn't BM pay support?

My God and i thought my SS's bio mom was the only messed up woman who would carry a child in her womb 9 months and then later decide not to take any sort of responsibility towards her own child, if you are not going to parent your child, if you are not going to raise them, cook, clean, wash for them and all the other roles of a mom then at least have the decency to pay child support, she is just a mother by name. I personally would be furious and disgusted by such a woman and not want to sit down and have dinner with her as if we friends, if i have no respect for you then i dont wana be in the same room with you. if you do decide to go please ask her in front of everyone why she isnt paying child support, is she forgetting that she brought kids into this world and she is responsible for them?

Keep the conversations about the kids - "BM, did johnny tell you that he is going to do band next year? He is thinking about playing tuba!"  "BM, Cindy Lou was talking about playing soccer in the fall. Did you guys talk about that at all? What are your thoughts? Did you play sports as a kid?" 

Then to talk to the kids all together "Cindy Lou, if you could visit one place around the entire world, where would it be?" "Johnny, what are you looking forward to the most this coming school year?"

Keep it cheesy and fun and you will survive. Good Luck!!

She just wants you to pay so she can have a free dinner with her fiancé and the kids. 

I'm not sure why it would be good for the kids to see their dad smiling and getting along with the woman who has so little time for them. 

They will just be more confused the next time dad is mad at mom (I'm guessing that won't take long after this fake love fest).

There's no way it's not going to be awkward for you.

When I deal with SD or BM, which is rare (making me all the more anxious because I have little practice at the tense situations), I try to play out what I'll say, how I'll react if this happens or that happens, how I'll respond if it blows up (know where the exits are!!!!) I practice my Mona Lisa face -- this is crucial. No matter what is said or done, keep your Mona Lisa face on. 

Talking topics: the kids. Talk, talk, talk about the kids. After all, that's the only reason you're suffering this blessed dinner event. Say, "Janie, why don't you tell them about your geography project?" or "Billy, tell them about the home run you hit the other day."

Don't go overboard, though. You don't want to appear as if you're more involved in the kids' lives than they are -- I'm laughing as I write that, especially in your case, but it's true -- you don't want to give the appearance of taking BM's place, as ridiculous as that sounds when, in fact, you had to take BM's place.

If you're going to their area for this dinner, you can talk about what it's like around there -- "Doesn't Harley Davidson have a big plant here?" or "I heard the city is really taking off with craft breweries." This is always safe fare, as long as BM and fiance aren't alcoholics.

When the inevitable awkward silence comes because the kids' mouths are full so you can't ask them to talk about the home run, ask how their meals are: "BM, that steak looks great. How is it?" not, "BM, you're taking such big bites of that steak, it must be good. I hope you don't choke on it."

Compliments are always accepted, but keep them generic: "BM, I love your earrings. Are they opals?" not, "BM, I love your implants. Who's your surgeon?"

And of course, you know from going to parties with your girlfriends there must be a safe word. Agree with your husband that if one of you needs to exit quick, you'll utter the safe word to signal it's time to get the check and flee. It should also be generic: "petunia," for example, not "bitch" or "dead beat."

Usually, I let everyone carry the conversation as long as they can. Then I fill in with my planned topics of discussion when it starts to stall to avoid the awkward silence. If anyone gets into dangerous, uncomfortable territory, immediately ask about BM's steak to shut it down and steer it back to neutral territory. If they're hopeful this will go well too, they will grab onto the steak discussion and not let go.

Remember, they're probably going to be anxious too. But if this dinner is out of the ordinary, be wary that they may be meeting with you to bring up something they want -- more time with skids, money for something to do with skids, who knows? If that happens, plan for your husband to nicely say, "OK, let's talk about that when we're alone" and go back to the steak. Don't go there at all because they've caught you off guard and it could get ugly.

Good luck. I've perfected awkward conversations after years of interviewing people I don't know for work. You can do this.

I struggle some with social anxiety. I'm going to start holding back my pre-planned ideas for conversation until the enevitable awkward silence happens. Thanks so much for the idea!

Ran off with the girls 6 yrs ago and cut off all contact. The eldest daughter now 22 messaged hubby saying their mum told her to re-establish contact and whats in the past is in the past so move on, no real apology. Then says their mum misses their brother who hubby got sole custody of in divorce and she palmed him off to hubby, disowned him 7 yrs ago saying he was a problem child. No shit he is, you never parented him, nurtured him and totally neglected him

she has now brainwashed eldest daughter how shes so happy hubby and her have new families and moved on with their lives and lets change for the sake of the kids (this a few yrs after calling hubbys sister screaming i was a half naked prostitute and hubby is not responsible enough to care for their kids, she never has and never will be a responsible parent.

well she told the eldest daughter to ask hubby come over with their son and she can cook whatever they want. She never cooked the 14 yrs they were married but now wants to play happy families

I told hubby if you go to her house for that 1st visit, she is just in damage control and trying to control the conversation and your kids will not be able to talk freely. 

Hubby isn’t interested in meeting the ex, avoids her like the plague. The 3 kids with ex are constantly used as emotional blackmail and pawns in her schemes, they’re just too stupid to see it and stand up for themselves

Get ready to go back to court.  BM is expecting or has a baby with her new husband.  She is going to be doing the stay at home thing anyway, and it's the perfect time to play nice to get to the point that she works her foot in the door to go back to court to get more custody.  I deal with this kind of BM all the time and nothing says stay at home like child support.  My advice?  Keep your guard up, go to court so there is a record of her being a dead beat, and document everything.  Every call, every present sent, every visit or refusal to visit, and every time you do all the driving.    Take photos.  Ones with you and your husband in them, doing the homework and school stuff with them.  Make sure the doctors write StepMom or Dad on their office visits.  Why?  Because it takes very little time for a biological Mom to wipe everything you have done off the map and take credit for raising kids she tricked you into raising for her, and finally go to the court and convince a judge she is the victim.  Seen it happen time and time again.  Good luck, but I'd skip out or be ready for her games.  Ones like ignoring you and only speaking to the kids and your husband.  Sitting as close as possible to him.  Etc.  

Nailed it!!  “Because it takes very little time for a biological Mom to wipe everything you have done off the map and take credit for raising kids she tricked you into raising for her, and finally go to the court and convince a judge she is the victim.  Seen it happen time and time again.  Good luck, but I'd skip out or be ready for her games.  Ones like ignoring you and only speaking to the kids and your husband.  Sitting as close as possible to him.  Etc.”

I’ve been married to my DH for almost 20 years (he and his ex- were only married for 13), and at every event I attend with my DH with BM there, it is not uncommon for her to try to sit as close to my husband as possible or even try to sit in between us.  This is just a small example of the !@#$! nonsense steps are expected to put up with every day and every day for life.  BM is so territorial, looking at it from the outside, it is barely any different than a dog pissing in another dog’s yard in an attempt to one-up it.  Funny, but still true and annoying.

Nic, you look young and sweet and very well-intentioned.  Might I also suggest that you look at this event (which is probably over now, come to think of it, but there will be more) as a fly-on-the-wall type observer as well.  Observe what is being discussed, but observe non-verbal communication foremost.  Non-verbal is more truthful than verbal, because it is generally occurring unconsciously. 

The reason why I suggest this is because this would be the right time for you to also seriously evaluate if you want to remain in this relationship/ situation or not.  I see you clearly do feel you are mom to this child, and in many ways, you have every right to; but, what Mumof8 states is so true: BM could literally be a drug-addicted ho, and the judicial system and pretty much everyone else will still see her as a saint and give her the benefit of a doubt over and over because she is BM.  You, on the other hand, could be the true saint and love this child-to-death, yet you will still be seen as the outsider because you are NOT BM. 

What you are most looking for in these interactions where you, DH and BM are present is what side of the fence your DH is on.  You may think he is on your side and he may even be telling you he can’t stand his ex- and so on.  But, by being more of an outside observer you may start to see that he is too eager to please with his ex-, that he seems more interested in keeping the peace then doing the right thing and putting his foot down, that he is starting to make excuses for her as a BM, and so on.  AND, most importantly, your DH should have no problem acting like you are his wife or SO in front of her or anyone else or his child.  Because, if your DH is even remotely enabling or head-in-the sand in his dealings with this BM, you are in for a long road of step hell, and it could very easily happen as unexpectedly and suddenly as stated above—BM could wipe everything you have done off the map in a matter of days, even if you have taken care of this child for years and years.