I get the annoyance, but 4 days a month is a blessing!

As for stealing - you need to stop that right in its tracks. Don't EVER allow someone to take something from you. Open that door wide open and demand her father take care of it or you will. And he won't like how you do it.

College - not your problem. If daddy decides to pay without your permission then you need to separate your finances. Same for a car.

But you haven't said how your DH handles his daughter. Does he discipline? Is he talking about paying for these things and ignoring your requests? 

Well - she's only there 4 days a month, so she should be easy to avoid.  Just be pleasant and civil, don't try to influence her college or career choices, or buy her anything, or be a parent figure in any way.

Lock up your stuff and ask DH to address the stealing.  Set your boundaries about your money going to a car.

Let DH be her parent and just do your own thing the 4 days she's there.

I can relate as well...I went through phases with my skids. 

OSD was truly awful when DH and I first started dating/got married. She was 14 and just a terrible, oppressive, black rain cloud of a person...making us all walk on eggshells around her. I counted down the hours until she went home...and counted the days until she’d turn 18 and quit coming for visitation. 

But I got along fine with SS and was close with YSD. 

When YSD was about 15, she started driving me up the wall. I hated how she talked...how she dressed...how she walked...how she breathed. Everything she did was annoying. She was also greasy all the time and the thought of her sleeping in our guest bedroom or lounging on my couches just grossed me out completely. 

Now, OSD is 22, SS is 20 stb21, and YSD is 18 stb19. OSD has turned a corner and is actually independent, reasonable...calls her dad to talk. I spend very little time with her because she’s about 3 hours away for college, but when I do spend time with her I enjoy it (might be a strong word...I enjoy it as much as I would enjoy talking to any young person who I am not related to in any way...I’m vaguely interested and don’t hate it...) 

YSD has also become far more tolerable to me...though the jury is still out on her. She’s still in town, hasn’t figured out what she wants to do for school yet...and I certainly don’t go out of my way to have a relationship with her...but I also don’t cringe and die a little inside when she comes by, either. Very neutral. 

SS is currently the one I can barely stand because he’s been ridiculously irresponsible and entitled lately...and then very smug and self-satisfied about that entitlement on top of that. Thank goodness he’s the furthest away and I never see him because he’s the worst.

My point with all this...at various times my tolerance for skids has been higher or lower. I genuinely liked SS and YSD when they were younger...but I’m not really a fan of the people they’ve turned into at the moment. 

For what it’s worth...I think age 14-17 or 18 is the absolute worst. They’re so cocky and rude at those ages, in my experience...makes them hard to like. 

He should be made to enforce no taking of your stuff?   As to car, college, seperate money, he can do what he wants.  

Stop with sending away for college information.  If your DH will not pay, staying in state is frequently cheapest.   Either pay or stay out of it. 

You can’t have it any easier that that.....  separate your finances, your a nurse you can figure that out. If your DH wants to paid for his DD he will have to get a second job to do that. Just have DH replace everything SD has taken from you 

Dad needs to deal with that.

Maybe dad can or cannot afford a car, but LOATHING  a kid is way overboard.   

Cars at 16 Vs no car at 16.  Parents who raise their children with a level of affluence Vs less affluence.

Neither are necessarily detrimental to good and effective parenting if the core behavioral and performance standards are the foundation of parenting.

Often kids who are raised with some affluence struggle later to find the wherewithal to provide for themselves to the level their parents have provided.

Neither situation is either easy or inherently better than the other.

Kids from both backgrounds can thrive and conversely can struggle.

IMHO the key is raising kids with standards of behavior and performance.

MY ASS!! 

i come from an upper middle class family where homes are worth minimum 700K and suburb next to us along the coast most homes cost minimum 1 million and alot of them the husband works, wife is a stay at home housewife. When their kids were in high school they were told to get jobs to support themselves and build savings. Why? Because they had to do this to get to where they are now.

then when they passed their drivers licence they were bought an old bomb so they could drive to school and after school drive home and get ready for their casual/part time job as a delivery driver or working the checkouts at a supermarket or your local pizza place and they were told to get a job and maintain it for fuel/insurance/car registration etc. Not a new car but an old bomb often 10-20 yrs old.

then upon finishing high school they had 2 choices, work fulltime or go to university and get a casual/part time job to fund your expenses or university text books.

if they chose to work fulltime, around age 20 were 1 day told by stay at home mum to pay rent/board of $50 per week. Yup they’d whinge the next day at work about it but $50 a week where mum does laundry, cleans your room, cooks dinner, fully stocked up fridge, internet/electricity/water bills, free parking for your car is a bargain

those with expectations and claiming its perfectly normal for hardworking parents nearing retirement to buy brand new cars, diamond earrings and Birkin handbags... are you rich royalty or living in the hamptons or beverly hills??

anybody claiming this is normal, please go on the dr phil show stat!! He’d have some nice harsh words for you and this is even for them rich well off parents. He’d also tell these entitled kids demanding a bentley or brand new car at age 16 that they can get a job just like everyone else is expected to... that its selfish to demand mummy and daddy use life savings and retirement money for that for their self entitled selfishness

theres a term used for people who want to keep up appearances and supposedly demand getting brand new cars for 16th birthday that they’ll usually total in a massive car crash within the year purely because everyone in their area supposedly gets it (its called “KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES”)

even my husband who earns about $350,000 a year not including several months bonus isn’t buying his son a brand new car or his daughters. If they demanded this from him that they are entitled to it and everyone at school gets it, he will tell them to politely “f*#k off” and its in their imaginary head everyone gets a brand new car. 

When we married a rich friend of hubby gifted us a $5000 cheque for us but hubby used this to buy a motorbike for stepson so that he could drive to and from school which was a bit far from home and public transport wasn’t reliable and it took pressure off hubby before work to dro his son off and pick him up during lunch breaks etc. Since hubby paid for the wedding completely, i didn’t complain as house was furnished already anyways. But he would never get a 20-30,000 brand new car, jewellry or expensive bags

One hour alone can be a living hell, If you are suffering inside . And this girl is making your life extremely difficult .

So, no matter how many days she's there it's tough. 

I try to tell other people to be nice to themselves and they don't have to have it all figured out in a week .

There is so much pressure on everyone now, it seems .

I understand how tough this is. 

It's really difficult to be the kind person you are, when you are tested like this .

And having your things taken from you . it's very sad and irritating. 

I'm so sorry .

You have a lot of people out here who truly get it. :) 

Please excuse any grammatical errors .

My kids go to a school where many kids have new Jeeps for their 16th. My kids fully understand that whether I can afford (I do not say we - my DH is certainly NOT obligated to help with that) is not even relevant. They drive my mom's 2004 Toyota Highlander, and I agree to pay the massive teenager insurance rates because it is convenient to not have to drive them around. No way am I going to raise entitled brats who think they deserve a free car. I'm hoping the Highlander lasts long enough so my 14 year old can drive it through high school too.

How in God's name did this discussion ever turn into trying to justify whether or not children should get "free" cars?  This not-so-young, 15 YO, steals (and, pls., no calls for passes for this behavior just because she is a teenager).  To me, clearly SD is living the entitled lifestyle that her parents have shown her is OK.

What is a SM supposed to do with an antagonizing step-child?  Good question?  Bio-mom and bio-dad created this child and ultimately have 99.9% of the responsibility for the child, regardless.  The court system recognizes this as well.  Let DH handle SD as he sees fit, even if you think it's wrong.  It is the parents who are ultimately response for this child.  Not you.  You don't want to wind up being mere collateral damage in another family's divorce.

And, you have every right to watch your wallet and your household's wallet.  My guess is that DH likes to pass the buck to you in more ways than one.  He needs to start being the parent, and if he won't, that is on him and not you.  Do what works for you and let the chips fall where they may.