Pool incident and SS hates me
Or that's what DH said.
Tonight, DH and SS10 get back from our neighborhood pool and DH tells me there was an incident yesterday (insists he told me yesterday but I would've remembered this one).
Apparently a group of kids were playing, throwing a football to kids as they came down the slide. One kid was a young girl with Downs Syndrome. Apparently, SS hit her hard in the Face -- twice. The girl's mom snapped at SS. DH said he nearly came unglued and wanted to rip the mom a new one for yelling at his kid (who started crying).
I have a sister with special needs. I can be very sensitive to things like that. Would I have yelled at a kid for what sounds like an accident? No, probably not. I would have tried to make a teaching moment. But if I were DH, I would have told SS to be more gentle/careful after the FIRST time. Good grief!
Then DH goes on to tell me that he knows I don't like SS (not true -- I don't like the way DH and BM spoil him but that's not his fault) and that SS knows it and doesn't like me either.
Lovely. Don't know how I'm supposed to deal with that.
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"DH, I don't dislike SS. I
"DH, I don't dislike SS. I dislike how YOU parent. You missed a teachable moment for your son to teach him how to play with others who are differently abled than him. Instead, you taught him that everyone else be damned so long as he is having fun. That is a failure on YOUR part and the mother should have yelled at YOU. Since she didn't, I'll do it on her behalf.
YOU fail your son and make him unlikable. YOU allow him to hurt others versus teaching him empathy and care. YOU are the problem, and YOU make it difficult for others to relate to him.
Why do I stay if I think you're such a failure? Honestly, DH, I am not entirely sure because it seems that SS may not only be learning from your lack of parenting, but may also be modeling your poor behavior as well. Do better for both him and me, and for yourself."
You verbalized my thoughts
You verbalized my thoughts exactly
How exactly are you being
How exactly are you being blamed for an incident you weren't even there for? This doesn't make any sense. Your SS hit a young girl with Down syndrome in the face twice, and he didn't think to step in to tell his kid to calm the eff down? Then wanted to rip the mom a new one for yelling at him? Good lord, not only is your DH a terrible father, but how on earth has this been twisted on you???
Please tell me you told him to shove it where the sun doesn't shine, this had nothing to do with you. His bad parenting is his problem. If I was that little girl's mother I'd have done the same thing. How dare he hurt another child and not apologize the FIRST time, whether an accident or not. Smh
He is capable of amazing
He is capable of amazing mental gymnastics to make things not his fault -- when he's in a certain mood.
He handled it badly. He's focused on how it wasn't SS's fault. It was an accident. If she's fragile or can't catch a ball she shouldn't have been playing. Well, even if it was an accident (and I think it likely was -- SS has never been taught to tone it down and tends to get too amped up) he should have apologized. Five years. I've never heard even a grudging "sorry" out of his mouth. And it would have been a great time to teach him that sometimes you have to be more careful. Kids who are smaller, differently abled, let them play but adjust so no one gets hurt.
DH screwed up.
I wouldn't have been any help like he thinks. I would have told DH to make SS apologize and calm down or get out of the pool for a while. He seemed to think my having a sister with developmental delays would have cured it all so the lady wouldn't have been mad. What, like there's a club and we all have a secret handshake?
Even 3 year olds know to say,
Even 3 year olds know to say, "I sorry," when they've hurt someone by accident.
Exactly. According to DH, BM
Exactly. According to DH, BM and her family are incapable of apologizing and DH is bothered by it. Well, here was a chance to teach him.
Sounds like
H is incapable of apologizing. The rotten apple doesn't fall far from the rotten tree
Why should you have been
Why should you have been there to handle it? Maybe because he knows that he did not handle it properly. Of course, he's not going to admit that.
Then DH goes on to tell me that he knows I don't like SS (not true -- I don't like the way DH and BM spoil him but that's not his fault) and that SS knows it and doesn't like me either.
Wow, your husband is quite immature.
True. His behavior reeked of
True. His behavior reeked of protesting too much. He screwed up. I didn't back his play (a day later) so he chooses to lash out at me.
SS seemed fine and normal with me last night so no clue if he actually dislikes me or not. I don't care. He treats me with respect (probably because I'm the only person who tells him no and I give off a take no &$?@! vibe) and that's all I really ask for.
" If she's fragile or can't
" If she's fragile or can't catch a ball she shouldn't have been playing."
So special needs children should sit at home all the time and never get a chance to live life like everone else?! As we say in Glasgow, "Haud me back, boys, haud me back!"
Good grief, how primitive can you get?
That's what my thought was.
That's what my thought was. You let them play but you adjust. DH says SS didn't realize. Fine. But even then, you whack a kid in the face once, you throw differently next time, right? And you make sure they're ok.
This kid has no idea how to admit he might have made a mistake or been wrong.
"DH says SS didn't realize."
"DH says SS didn't realize."
So TEACH him, you stupid b*****d!
OK, so what did either of them learn from this experience? Or are they too emotionally handicapped to get even a whiff of a lesson?
I'm sorry. One of my
I'm sorry. One of my daughters has Down Syndrome and, though we have never expected any special treatment for her, the ignorance and basic lack of savoir vivre of people like your DuH just blows my mind.
I agree. He missed a major
I agree. He missed a major opportunity with SS. I'm still sickened by DH's response. I still have not processed it all and how to deal with it.
Honestly, I think H was embarrassed and knows he handled it badly but lashing out about the mom and defending SS so thoroughly? Not the way to handle it. His kid looks like a heartless, out of control bully and he looks totally ineffectual -- or heartless himself.
And I can't get the thought of that little girl trying to play and getting hit in the face -- with no apology -- out of my mind.
I just -- ugh.
Just remember that all of the
Just remember that all of the other people who were at the pool observed what happened. He might wonder why people give him and his son a VERY wide berth and why nobody wants to play with the kid any more ...
Bullsh!t. SS11 is certainly
Bullsh!t. SS11 is certainly old enough to recognize the girl was a bit different. (I'm trying to be delicate with my wording.) He could have gently tossed her the football and included her in the game. He twice hit her in the face. Once may be an accident. The second time was no accident.
This kid should be banned from the pool for a couple of weeks, and have to write a sincere apology to the girl and her parents. He should also have to hand deliver it to them.
Oh I agree. I would've made
Oh I agree. I would've made him apologize at the VERY least.
My youngest nephew has Down
My youngest nephew has Down Syndrome. Your DH and SS are lucky I wasn't there. It wouldn't have been pretty, and I can afford my own bail money.
Yeah. I would not have
Yeah. I would not have handled it the way DH seems to think I would it should have. And lucky my family wasn't there. If someone had hit my sister in the face, the entire force of my large crew would have crashed down.
Once is an accident, again
Once is an accident, again the next time the child comes down the slide is not.
This child happened to have Downs, but that is not the crux of the problem. (Unless SS did it deliberately because of Downs, and then you have a different problem.) Some kids, whether Downs or not, just are not as coordinated as others. If you are just playing around with a football and a slide, and you want the child coming down the slide to catch it, you adjust your throw for the child's ability. SS is old enough to do this. SS did not adjust his throw for this child. DH played the 'not my kid' card and missed a major parent teaching moment.
My thoughts exactly. Yes, the
My thoughts exactly. Yes, the girl has Downs. But even if she didn't, if a kid doesn't catch it and gets whacked in the face, you adjust. And you say you're sorry and ask if she's ok. It's not that hard!
Wasn't on your watch. unless
Wasn't on your watch.
unless you can hop in a time machine it will have to remain their life lesson. I am sure it was uncomfortable for them. I can understand DH being rattled by it. Disengage?