What do you do when you're struggling to stay disengaged?

Forums:

Hey fellow steppers,

I found this forum and since finding 'disengagement' my personal mental health and wellbeing have improved immensely.

I do not worry about what the ex is going to say next or how to deal with it. I didnt want to disengage but felt I had no other option when other half wouldn't include me or fight for me to be included with his son. I was ready to take on stepmotherhood and all the dramas for it because I believed we could be happy. However, I cannot make other half fight the same fight and I cannot make his ex a reasonable, sensible, mature adult. So I gave up on the pair of them in that regard and have made efforts to ignore all contact they have (which is easy atm due to covid and he cannot travel to see his son).

What my question to you is, when something does pop up that indirectly affects you...for example when you need to take time off work so he can travel to visit his child and you need to be home for yours...or if a financial matter arises and it will affect your situation as a couple...what do you do to stay out of it?

I genuinely have no real concerns of both of these happening, and if he continues to not tell me when he needs to go away, I will find a babysitter for our kids when I'm working...same with money, we currently don't have a shared account and are not struggling. I just can't get the injustice and the way she gets away with treating my other half sometimes...thats where I start to lose the grip on staying out of it. Any advice on distractions, tactics etc?

Keep your finances seperate

Keep your finances seperate as long as he contributes to household bills I wouldn't worry about it. Pick and choose your battles.

Just let him know to give you notice when he is going to leave so you can arrange care for your kids.

In my situation I have to go away for training. I have arranged care for DS while I am gone. He offered to help. My reason is I don't approve of SOs overly laxed parenting style and want to make sure DS keeps in his routine while I am gone.

Thanks for the response, it's

Thanks for the response, it's definitely a direction I will endure with in terms of finances and his lack of planning.

Do you feel you have less of a relationship if you're leading separate lives with the kids? I mean, you should be able to trust your SO with your son? Does that aspect ever get to you?

I don't feel like I have less

I don't feel like I have less of a relationship. Before I was with SO. In my last relationship. Ex Boyfriend's son was a young adult and DS was under 10. .

He was enjoying his independence from parenting. I felt the same way in that relationship. That it was not his responsibility because he was with me to give that up and be a full time parent again.

When I was married exH wasn't the one who did most of the parenting and daily care it was me

I guess I feel the way I do because I have always made sure I was financially stable and that it was my responsibility to make sacrifices to raise my son.

The only quality I have looked for in a significant other is that they are kind to my son. I have raised him pretty much by myself his whole life.

What I appreciated in my last relationship and now with SO is that they acted more like a mentor for DS, DS looks at SO like a big brother and that's ok with me. Since DS already had a father it's less confusing to him to not have someone else trying to step in and act like a father.

I know the last thing my SKs want is for me to act like I am thier mother.

It's great it's worked out so

It's great it's worked out so well for you in the idea that you're in control of the situation.

My DD's have a very absent BD and so I have done similar to you and planned everything out as though I am single parent but my DH wants and actively gets involved, especially as the kids go to him for support and parenting at this point. The good thing about my situation is that at home, we are a happy family, both of us have similar ideas on parenting and the kids are happy.

I have discussed the finances with him last night after the advice here and we've made some plans and agreed on them for our future. I am less bothered about the injustice of it all and just told him I'm staying out of things that I have nothing to do with, I havent got the energy for it.

He seems to be mostly focused

He seems to be mostly focused on keeping the peace with BM, and is almost leading a double life, which would bother me because it shows how weak he is in terms of standing up to BM.

On the other hand, keeping it separate keeps the drama away from you and your girls, so that's a huge bonus. At the minimum I'd be on him to set up a schedule for when he will be leaving and not just make plans without informing me. But if he won't, then just do as you said - don't count on him to watch your kids and make another plan.

Also as wicked said above, keep finances separate and insist that he pay his fair share regardless of costs he incurs in relation to his son.

Only you can decide if you can stay in this scenario long- term and if the good outweighs the bad.

You're right

He does seem quite focused on keeping the peace with her. He hates confrontation and didn't do it at all until I came into his life and encouraged him he is a good man and father. He has made a lot of progress with me reassuring him back from the mess his ex left him. I think he's scared because she has control over his time with his son and despite taking her to court, they reinforce how important it is to work it out between them...so he is trying...I assume, I havent been told how things have gone since court in October last year and I dont ask!

How do I address that...if at all? The running theme atm is ignorance is bliss!

Really, having lived through

Really, having lived through the drama of a controlling BM, I'd count your blessings that you and your girls aren't in the middle of high conflict nonsense. Chances are good you'd have to be disengaged even if SS did come to your home because of BM's high conflict ways. I've been in o my SS21's life for 11 years and have only a superficial relationship with him because of BM. My life might have been better if I never did meet him and DH kept it separate. I'd focus on insisting he not affect your life as much as possible just to please BM.

Disengagement doesn't mean

Disengagement doesn't mean that you won't ever have to do things to help your partner that may help their ability to meet obligations to their children.. but we help our partners in many ways. You would pitch in more if he were on a business trip for example... or if he had some other committment that would restrict his schedule.

But, for these kinds of accomodations.. I would expect him to coordinate with me to ensure that it wasn't a problem to change things up. Also, I would expect a certain amount of notice too.

Financial issues are a little more sensitive in that.. it isn't just that he isn't shirking on his day to day contributions to the household.. it's that he isn't shirking his long term commitments to plans for future financial issues like retirement, buying a future home.. savings for vacations.. or a new car etc...

Separate finances does not mean you don't have shared financial goals. If he is overpaying on child related things.. while not saving for retirement... he may not be able to retire at 65 like you are planning to do (or whatever age)...

I think seeking some financial counsel would be good for you as a couple. figure out some long range goals.. and what you both need to do now to meet them. Then... the issue will be if he is not holding up THAT end of the agreement can be the "fight".. not that he bought his child a new pair of skis. It is irrelevant whether he is lavishing on his kids.. or eating Waygu beef for lunch every day... if he isn't putting that money he said he would away for your futures... then he needs to be held accountable for making better choices.

I absolutely agree with this.

At present it isn't an issue with money because he earns more than me and therefore has paid more than me towards monthly bills. He keeps on top of his responsibilities and tries to take on my kids too. (He wanted DD6's savings details so he could transfer money in every month and I told him once he has one setup for his son then I'd give them to him). We have a good financial relationship at the moment...however what sparked my interest into what you said is longterm ideas...and honestly I'd just been dealing with now problems lol...urm will need to ask him what his commitments mean for us buying our own house post marriage...on top of his maintenance he pays around £200 a month to visit his son who lives 8 hours away for one night, maybe a weekend if it's Christmas...

I have wondered and thought to ask if he has told the child maintenance agency about the extra costs he has to spend time with his son and have him for a night in a hotel rather than bring him home (this is against bm's wishes of course)....but I stop myself getting involved, I think it would be a snowball effect if I started!

Is there a COd visitation

Is there a COd visitation schedule? Why is your DH traveling to the Skid rather than the Skid traveling to visit your DH?

We lived with a long distance visiation schedule for the 16+ years of the CO. Though there was 10 days of visitation in our area the Spermidiot never once took that visitation. The rest of the COd visitation, SS traveled to SpermLand.

Oh my goodness...visitation

Oh my goodness...visitation here would be amazing for everyone except bm...she took the child to her place of birth when they split...8 hours away. He has always gone to visit him there and it never changed. The court issued that he have his son once a month in a hotel as he was used to for a couple of months and then to arrange visits to us and progress length of visits etc during holidays. The first holiday being this Easter...I dont know if that's happening or not, I assume not given covid.Bm insisted to the court she has always wanted to amicably work with my DH and so the court decided to leave a lot of the decisions to them to make.

There's no way she would pay to travel and spend the time with a 7yo on transport for such a long period.

I suggest that your attorney

I suggest that your attorney request clarification from the court regarding visitation travel costs and responsibilities. In our case that clarification request resulted in each party being responsible for transporting the SKid to their location. The SpermClan had to pay for his travel to SpermLand for their visitation, and we had to pay for his travel expenses back home to us.

When SS was too young to fly as an unaccompanied minor, they had to come pick him up, we had to go there to pick him up and bring him home.

If your SS is 12yo he can travel as an unaccompanied minor. Most airlines have this option and the traveling kid is under the direct supervision and control of airline personnel after they are dropped off for travel until the pick up person provides identification proving that they are the person listed as the pick up person.

Do not be afraid of using the courts for clarification and enforcement of DH's rights.

Thanks rags

Unfortunately he finished court last autumn and I do not get updated with how communication, parenting plan or arrangements are made any more so I dont ask as part of my disengagement for my mental health. I do not think he would do this anyway and would probably hate going back through courts, I had to reassure him a lot the first time that they cant be against him when he has done everything right for his son.

Thankyou for the advice and should I ever be asked my opinion again I will express that idea.

Protect yourself. I applaud

Protect yourseld. I applaud yoy for doing that and moving on.

I am sorry you have had to experience all of the drama associated with your DH's past.

I went into it all blind as

I went into it all blind as many do when they fall for someone...thinking they can take anything on and it'll all work out beautifully! Naivety is dangerous.

I do count my blessings as someone else mentioned, my DD's are happy and they're perception of the situation is SD is their dad and "old dad" isn't available right now and that SD has a son that they don't see except on a video call once in a blue moon...they took his last name and we'd like to have them adopted when its able to be done.

Thanks rags

Thankyou for the advice and should I ever be asked my opinion again I will express that idea.

You are here

What do you do when you're struggling to stay disengaged?