New here, came for help!
Hi all...im so happy I found this site when I searched, "cared for my step son for 2 years now dont give a shit"...
So my family. I met SO in mid 2018. I knew he had a son (aged under 5 at the time), and he knew i had 2 BD's (aged under 10).
He met my 2 BDs before commiting to be in a relationship with me. He bonded well with both, they call him Dad now and have his last name legally. He does all aspects of parenting with now exceptions.
So the problem...his son. Well he lives across the country, so when my SO see's his son its once a month in his city because the birth mother is unbelievably controlling and has never let my SO have his son for longer than 2 nights or out of their city.
She left him and moved that distance away when their son was not even 1. Now he's taken her to court because she tried to stop access and he's been given the same access back and a visit in our home at Easter half term.
So my issues are: for the passed 2 years ive brought this boy clothes, gifts and asked after him. Ive never met him in person. I said hello to him for the first time about 2 months ago via a weekly video call my SO got from court. Aaaand thats been it. Now I assume SO is talking to his ex a lot more and a lot more peacefully but I never get told anything and im certainly not involved. So ive given up. Its too painful to keep waiting on the sidelines...I'd rather keep my kids and myself away from this boy. My SO doesnt seem to make an effort for us to be a family with him in and I understand its been strained because his ex is so hard to talk to. He just tried to show me a picture of his son that his ex showed him and I just went cold because I dont want to see it or know about it...but I do...I want to be involved but my SO doesnt and hasn't fought for that! And now he's confused as to why my attitude changed!!!
Am I wrong? For being unable to be picked up, excited to know him and then be dropped to silence and nothing again? I think its self preservation but I dont know if my relationship will survive if it came down to the truth about it all.
I also want to say between the time of mid 2018 and now me and SO have had 3 miscarriages and a stillbirth. I've told myself this time (stillbirth) I cant take on his drama with his son because I'm not very good atm.
I'm so sorry about the
I'm so sorry about the pregnancies you've lost...that's really really rough. I went through it too.
Honestly you're doing the right thing. Just drop back from your DH's son. Concentrate on your daughters. Just let him deal with his son. Maybe he's waiting to make sure the ex isn't going to try to pull something and take away visitation and prevent your DH from seeing him. Or maybe he's worried his ex will get jealous if you're involved with the child...I'm thinking that's probably it.
Sounds like an exhausting situation...I'd gladly stay out of it.
Thank You
Thank you for your kind words and sorry for your suffering too.
I think you're probably right that the reason he doesn't or has never fought for me to be more involved is because he is worried and concerned for the BM and how she will respond. The court process was influenced by me, since we got into a relationship their co-parenting has suffered as she began getting funny about his visits. I guess my worry would then be if that were true, why should he care more about her feelings than mine? He has his access confirmed that its the right thing for his son by the court and cafcass so I highly doubt she would change that. They advised that his son should be introduced to me and my BD's via video call and then on Easter when he stays. The only reason left is because he doesn't want to hurt her. Or that he is so switched off to how things could be effecting me? I have given him queues before and told him plainly, "im not involved so why are you asking me?"
I've already said maybe its best for me and the girls to leave in Easter, and I dont see the point them getting to know this boy if its not going to be consistent.
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriages and stillbirth. That is such an incredible amount of heartbreak. I have zero degrees in psychology, but what I see is that you also made sure to mention those losses at the end. You do seem to see some sort of connection to those griefs and your experiences with being excluded from a relationships to SS, and I don't think that's likely accidental, so I guess my thoughts are this:
1) if you don't already have someone to talk to about those miscarriages and stillbirths, see if there's a grief counselor in your area, especially one that might specialize in these kinds of losses.
2) being shut out IS painful, but the sudden and intense switch likely is related to these other losses, and like you say, trying to protect yourself from even more hurt and another loss of potential in a relationship with a child.
3) give yourself a lot of grace for these feelings! Straight up, no one is being hurt by them right now. SS isn't even around! So your coldness there is a completely safe way for your emotions to find a vent.
4) try and share some of it with your DH. Let him know that you're feeling like you need some boundaries with SS sharing stuff for awhile. I'm sure he's hurt by the rejection from his son as well, but you are totally allowed to have your emotions and boundaries around them. That doesn't mean a cone of silence around SS forever, but if you have some grief to unpack and work through, you deserve that time, kindness and respect.
Again, zero psychology degrees over here, so if nothing resonates, don't take the advice! But I just want to say again that I'm so sorry for those losses. I still dream about my miscarried daughter, and it's been 20 years. Hugs.
Straight up, you are right
Straight up, you are right about the sudden switch being related to the stillbirth. I just remember when England went into their month lockdown recently, I told SO so he would know it may be hard to take his son anywhere on his visit, he said it was fine and the city he lived in was always bad every time he went. Then BM messages saying the same thing and all of a sudden he reconsiders. I just felt so intensely sad about it that I had to shut it down, otherwise I would focus all my pain on that situation and thags not healthy. So instead I focused on shutting it away. It felt good that the first time since our stillbirth he left to go for their visit, I didnt feel sad once across the days he was away.
I am getting support, just unfortunately I dont think we're a team on much anymore.
He has always had full access to my life, my past, my family and friends. Yet there's a whole part of his life i have nothing to do with. And if I did have something to do with his son, I know his BM would be so difficult and how do I even balance that?!
Part of me was so grateful SS's baby sister didn't live to be in all this mess, with a distorted relationship with her HB caused by the BM being selfish and clingy to her child.
I just don't know whether to carry on as I am or to make another effort?
I have tried to talk to SO, he understands and listens and tries for the next call or visit and then it drops out of his head again! For months now I've had no idea what arrangements have been made or compromises, any input on his Christmas gift. Surely that's not normal if I havent said im disengaged now?
My guess is that's afraid BM
My guess is that he's afraid BM will cut off his access to his son if he doesn't kowtow to her (including keeping you away from his son, per BM's spoken or unspoken, but obvious, wishes. He knows that despite the court giving him access, it's very easy for women to cut off men from their children and to make it almost impossible for them to see the kids. Courts are not much help, generally, they don't understand this dynamic and often believe it when women tell them the father is abusive, or whatever lie she concoct.
Now, I'm not at all saying that's the right way to deal with it, it's not. He needs to stand up to BM, and he needs to include you in his son's life, to some degree.
I'm sorry for all of your losses with pregnancies, and especially the stillbirth, which must be so awful. For now, concentrate on you and your children - but I'd reconsider trying to get pregnant again, until he can make some changes and stop being afraid of BM - only because you may not want to remain in the situation or be tied to him forever.
You make some good points...
Thankyou for your insight. I think its probably he is still worried what she will do if I have involvement. He said he didnt care how she felt about me being on the video call, and yet I chose to stay off them because of how quiet SS got when I was on the call.
He has done an awful lot, that any allegation she may make wouldnt stand in court. When court was in process, they always tried to reinstate SO's relationship and access to SS.
I definitely think I need to reconsider how much I want to intertwine my life into his when its still so messy. I feel bad, I knew he had a son when I began our relationship and I was prepared to wait to meet SS. What I cant handle is having literally nothing to do with anything of it when I've spent 2 years waiting and thinking of SS.
Thank you for all the kind words also.
What's the rush?
Wow, you've been through an awful lot in a very short period of time. Your feelings are yours, but I think you need to stop giving so much energy and head space to your H's custody issues.
This is one of those situations where the parent (your H) failed to get his life and obligations in order BEFORE adding a new partner to the mix. Now here you are, bringing your own baggage and trying to blend, but you're moving too fast and expecting too much too soon. The father-son relationship is primary here, so that bond needs to be established and healthy before SLOWLY introducing you to the mix. These things take time, and TBH you may never have a relationship with the boy due to distance and time constraints. It's not personal, it's simply the unfortunate reality of a situation that doesn't really involve you. You're just "that lady Dad married", so relax and stop being so invested.
I suggest you stop putting so much pressure on yourself. Step back from your H's issues with his child for a while, stop trying to get pregnant, and give yourself some time to relax and heal. Just focus on being a newlywed and mom, full stop.
I agree in part
I think you hit the nail on the head there with him not having his situation sorted before our relationship started. However, situations with children always have ups and downs dont they? Where sometimes coparenting works and then the child has a difference of opinion or a scenario happens like covid and throws a spanner in the works of access etc. He couldve had it all sorted and then moving in with me may have tipped it over for BM?
SO and SS have a good relationship, he has been a constant every month visit since she took him away. He has issues sometimes where his mother doesn't prepare him for the visits and told him SO was just a family friend. They are pretty solid and SS seems very stable atm given the year it has been.
I guess I got invested because I thought that it was good to have more people that care about you. I didnt realise it could be perceived as such a negative to people for someone to want to support a child. You do make a good point about not being so involved however, as it seems I do need to disengage from a lot of it and its become easier in time to do that. Nobody ever tells you how to handle these situations, and then you think the best of them until your in too deep trying to get out. I think it was just natural for me to want everything when I've come from a bad relationship and realised I now have something so good, I want to celebrate it and create more joy. I guess you're right though and I should stop.