I never got involved with my stepkids' school, Medical care, any really caregiving things so it was easier to disengage. When school starts again I will be responsible for getting SS8 to school and I act kind of like a babysitter to him. I will scold him if he's being bad and try to remind him not to wear shorts in the middle of winter, but if he's set on wearing mismatched clothes I let it be. With mine I will try harder. With his I have tried and they do what they want so as long as they are safe I let it go. 
 

Maybe start by stepping back with going to parent conferences and things like that. Let SO do their laundry. If you've already taken on these roles it may be harder to do that. You might have to discuss with SO your need for doing this. My stepkids have two involved parents so I really only help out if DH asks me. Otherwise I have my own kids whose dad is not involved so I'm busy with them. 
 

The hard part for me is not the stepping back from duties. It is stepping back from discipline. I tried before to treat his like mine and it did not turn out well. So unless it is a safety issue I pretty much ignore and let DH deal with. This was a hard thing for me to do at first as it felt like I had a loss of control. But in reality I have more control since I can control my own reactions and emotions and there is a freedom in this.
 

I can't fix what was broken before I came along. The hard part is dealing with bratty behavior but I remind myself they are not my kids or my responsibility. I suck up my time with them until they go back to TM and wait for DH to see their bad behavior and address it which he is getting better about. And I go in with my life. But am pleasant to his kids and don't ignore them or be rude to them. 
 

Hopefully this helps. Good luck!

I forgot to mention that one of my stepsons was diagnosed with ADHD. He can be very difficult to be around. He could benefit from medication but TM refuses to allow this. He is the one I disengsgecwith the most. I don't like to blame everything on his diagnosis. I think he has been spoiled and city led by his mom. DH is tougher on him but still gives in sometimes so he doesn't have to deal with his whining. In the beginning, we tried to get on the same page with phone use. I don't think the kids should be on them so much. Of course both the other parents got them the phones. But this stepkid cannot be without his phone. He brings it to breakfast if we are not all eating together, and has the sound on. He can't eat without it. I think that is sad and I also don't want to hear it. I do remind him of this if DH is not there. But DH has a hard time enforcing the phone issue. We went to a family activity and stepkid was on his phone the whole time. It upset me but DH didn't seem to notice. 
 

I finally realized you can't care more than the parents. And being diagnosed with ADHD doesn't mean you can be a brat. I think this kid is just kind of a brat unfortunately, allowed to be that way by the parents.

I was about to open a new forum topic with the same title, but then I found this conversation... and it doesn't solve any of my problems, but oh gosh, does it help..!

I'm considering disengaging right now, but I'm lost as to how to do it. I live with my partner, who has four kids, and we take the youngest ones (aged 7) twice a week. Long story short, they're spoiled brats, don't know about respect, they shout all the time (verbal aggressivity) and can be quite manipulative. One of them has been diagnosed with ASD and the BM (and her family) let him do whatever he wants, so his problems come from there, not from his condition. On top of that, their BM bought them phones with free acces to the internet (7 years old!), which is absolutely insane, but yeah... All they want to do is use their phones, the same situation as described here. My partner disagreed (and still does) with the phones, and told them they weren't allowed to bring their phones to our house, but he had to give up after the kids started saying they didn't want to come to our house and he had a row with the BM. (She's done all sorts to us so I think my partner is constantly scared... Which I don't aprove, but it's not up to me) Now they're allowed to bring their phones; you all can imagine...

So in all this situation, I'm considering disgengaging as I said, mostly for my mental health. But how do I do that, really? They're all shouting for nothing and I can't stand that; I was brought up based on respect. So how do I disengage in that situation? Do I just leave the room/house during that moment? I mean, it's my house too... Is that situation something I should step into? My partner does ask and reprimend them constantly for those behaviours but they don't care... And it's true I'd do it in a different way, but I'm not their mummy so I can't really parent them... So what do I do? (Please, don't tell me "he has to parent his kids". I know that, and he does, only not to my standards... I'm looking for actual advice, if anybody has any...)

Also, the other kid wants to hold my hand every time we're out on the street, she wants to be with me... Which I think is suit but then she changes her reaction as soon as she can't get away with whatever she wants. Should I cut the hand holding thing? I don't want to hurt her feelings... I don't know. I'm a bit lost as you all can see...

Sometimes I just feel like giving up...

We had 5 kids: 3 SKs and my 2 bios, there was 6 years difference from oldest to youngest.  In the early years, we had them weekends and summers, those were quite difficult years.  I found his kids aggressive and boisterous.  During those years, I guess I had disengaged pretty much because when I went to counseling, the recommendation was to engage more.  In the early years, I just tolerated their presence and counted the hours til they left.  To be frank, both DH and I were hanging on day by day, the situation was so chaotic.  I certainly never gave a seconds thought to their education, health or much else.  Just tried to get thru it.

My counseling, after 4 years, came about because DH and I were close to splitting over the kids, most especially SD and her manipulations.   Long story short, I started to take back my place as wife and mother of the house.  Coincidentally or not, that was also when OSS came to live with us full time.  Once a child lived here, I plugged in, school conferences, health care, dentist, etc.   All went well with OSS and he seemed comfortable with me and what I was doing.  Then, 4 months later, unexpectedly, SD moved in after a runaway incident and fight with BM.  I knew she would be more of a challenge but I did the same.  She seemed so so about my efforts, liked the things thst benefited her (new clothes), not so crazy about me saying no.  6 months later, YSS moved in, too.  He always kept me at arm's length but I still did my thing plus in his case, a very heavy sports involvement.  As he reached teenage, I disengaged pretty much when DH would not back me up with him

So, in short, my engagement and disengagement has varied over time, and varied by child.