Am I expected to be attached to my stepkid when they annoy me so much!
First of all - hi. I'm so so glad I found this community!
For the past two years I have been bringing up my two SS 's (12/9) and my BD (5). Their BM isn't in the picture and they've been through a lot. They are lovely kids - well behaved and loving. I feel like a monster.
i can't stand being round them. They live with us 100% of the time and my BD 50%. They just take up all my energy, they just irrate me. It's been a journey of ups and downs but I just don't think I love them. It's tourturing me.
When I took them on - maybe I was more naive but two years down the line Im not sure I'd commit the same.
my fiancé is wonderful he's very loving - he's always tried to make me equal parent to him. And encouraged them to treat me the same.
they have decided to call me Mom and it just grinds on me. The 9 year old walks round with a baby voice calling me Ma Ma and it just irrates the life out of me.
ive only just realised after all This time - that I don't have an attachment with them. But am I supposed to?
i feel like a monster but when I'm in their presence I freeze up. I'm not a very tactile person and they want hugs and babying all the time. I feel suffercated.
when my daughter is around I feel I can't spend any time with her.
has anyone else been in this situation? I'd love to talk.
thank you
I should add 12 year old has
I should add 12 year old has ADHD to make things more complicated. Just so much more care and energy and it's quite annoying.
I wish their BM could be around so they weren't so needy and we could get a break. Their is just so much expected on me and I don't know if I can give them what they clearly need.
and on the specifics of things they do. Just fight all the time, have to be asked 1000 of times to do things, can't just have a normal conversation like I could with any 9/12 year olds, make annoying noises all day long like 5/6 year olds might, they are lazy, they pretend to be either really smart or play dumb. They are probably really insecure and feeling vulnerable and I don't know how to respond when it just irratates me so much. They don't know any of this - I'm good at playing loving Mom figure.
Agree
I am a stepfather of a soon to be a 9-year-old boy. I am practically his father bc I invest so much time and effort in him to make sure he grows up correctly. He technically has ADHD. He is smart but every time i help with his schoolwork, he acts defiant bc he doesn't listen to what i tell him. he doesn't want to do the work and its frustrating for me. especially when I preach the same message as his mom. and she puts pressure on me to make sure I help him, which I do bc I am fully invested in his education.
I am fully invested in this kid since he was 2. more than his BD. but I catch a lot of unfair flack from my wife if I get upset for him not listening to me.
I can relate to this and no has my back. I feel alone. this kid argues with me every time we do work.and when I put my foot down my wife don't support me.
Step mom struggles
You do not have to be perfext at being a step parent. Many kids are annoying and they cannot always help it because of their background and personal history or composition. You can carve out set times to be alone while at home when skids are there. Jist set the limits and stick to it. Tell them you need some time by yourself or with someone else. What else can you do? Be a martyr? No. We dont want you to do that. If you ask for space and anyone gives you a problem then thst tells you more of what you need to know. Good luck.
Replying
While the kids may have true emotional or psychological issues.... what about calling them out on some of their behavior at times? Sometimes my biological children complain about tough teachers asking too much but I always remind them that that's because they think the most of them and know they can meet those expectations.
It's not unusual to not have
It's not unusual to not have an attachment to kids that aren't yours.
Please don't deprive your daughter because of someone elses kids. Your fiancé can give his kids hugs and whatever and he should be parenting them.
Thank you
Thanks so much
I don't know how to go back now that for two years we've done it equally together. I'm trying to mould them into my own kids but they're already shaped.
I can relate. I have raised
I can relate. I have raised SD9 with my SO since she was four. My SO has full custody. Her BM lives far away and hardly ever sees her. SD began to call me "mommy" almost immediately. She also makes me feel suffocated and irritated on a daily basis. You said that you have tried to mold them into your own kids, but they're already shaped. I understand, because I have tried to raise SD how I've raised my own children and it just doesn't work. Her blood is tainted with her BM's DNA and I've realized it more and more as she gets older. You shouldn't feel like a monster. I've struggled with that myself, but I've realized that I'm already doing so much more than most step-parents have to do by having this child full-time and being here when her own BM doesn't want to be. Being the full-time mom for someone else's children is not easy or fun. Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling the way that you do.
Thank you for this - I
Thank you for this - I appreciate your honesty. How did you make peace with this in your head?. Does SD still call you mommy?
I honestly haven't made peace
I honestly haven't made peace with it. I just constantly countdown the days until she goes on one of her rare visits with her BM so that I can get a break. It also helps that my SO has started to see her for who she is growing up to be and has been a bit better about disciplining her... and yes, she still calls me "mommy."
Only you can decide what a
Only you can decide what a Skid will call you. If you dont like them calling you MaMa, then deal with that directly by informing them of what they will call you and letting them know you will not ackowledge any other name. Then stick to your guns.
The good news is that htis guy is only your DF and not your DH. If it all bothers you this much, then end it and move on.
I love m'y DF so so much - if
I love m'y DF so so much - if it wasn't him - I would of been off by now. He tried so so hard and is always parenting them - I think it's his guilt about what they've n through. He's pushed a mother figure on to them. They are happy with that too it's just me who feels conflicted. I have to stay leaving isn't an option. I guess I'm trying to make peace with the situation! Thank you
Don't let guilt define your
Don't let guilt define your life partnership. If you are not happy, make a change. Love is not enough. The pleasant feelings in your tingly bits are not love. Love is action. Is this guy demonstrating to you his love and commitment with his actions. If he isn't keeping his kids controlled, I would say he isn't.
But, only you can decide.
Good luck.
I feel the same way ... When
I feel the same way ... When my children come to stay I feel like I can't spend 1 on 1 timebwith them without SD6 getting jealous ... Last time I tried to be so fair but something just snapped in me after they left and I realized I missed giving them that special time they NEED from me as their mother and I decided to never again not show my kids special mommy love and 1 on 1 time just becuase the other kids dont have their mother present. That's what I decided to do. Never again. I can not give advice on here as my life is a shit storm but this post spoke to me. You're not alone in feeling this way.
Good for you. I put up with
Good for you. I put up with SD9's jealous, ugly stares at my children when they hugged me... her stupid attitude when I wanted to play a game with one of my kids or do something "just us." Our kids shouldn't have to suffer because another kid's BM doesn't want to do her job. I finally got to the end of my rope with SD's possessive bullsh*t and I've been trying to make it up to my kids ever since. I absolutely hate being a full time step-mom.
The only thing harder than
The only thing harder than being a SParent is being a SParent with kids of your own.
I have no BKs but I am sure that if I did and a Skid was interfering in my relationship with my BK it would be difficult not to take action to minimize that interference.
Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for your honesty. It's so nice to have someone who knows what it's like. Being a full time Step mum Is so so hard and I don't think I realised that until very recently I think I just thought that is how it was and it would get easier. You're right I don't like it either but it's the choice I've made. I feel guilty but I count down the years of when they might grow up or when they might leave home.
You're welcome! Yes, being a
You're welcome! Yes, being a full-time step-mom is definitely hard. Those who have 50/50 or other split-time arrangements don't even realize how lucky they are. I am also counting down the days until she's gone... but I don't feel guilty for it. We are human and we're already doing more than we should have to.