Why is this even an issue?
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years he has a 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage and we have a little girl who is now 1 and a half.
like all parents when we were pregnant him and I talked about what activities we would like to try her in.
his was golf which I thought is nice and beneficial and I said gymnastics and dance because I am a girly mom and a new mom it would be exciting to enjoy and take her to those things . We spoke about it those were the things we decided great no big deal.
Well weeks later his daughter said I want my sister to play soccer because my mom never allowed me to play soccer.
i said I'm sorry your mom never allowed you to play what you wanted but that was your dream not my daughters when you get older and have children you should try that with them and see if that is what they liked.
well again whatever no big deal I brushed it off and a week later she says it again like she never even said it "I want my sister to play soccer" lol she says my daddy always wanted and lived soccer and that was his dream for me....lol wtf? So then he pipes up and says yes I want that to we should put DD1.5 in soccer I said BF you never mentioned this to me the one thing I don't like and he doesn't really even care he's only pushing it cause his daughter is pushing it so my daughter is the guanea pig in all of this.
So fast forward a year and yesterday our brother and law said (unknowingly) we should get a soccer ball and let her kick it around and my boyfriend piped up and said no she isn't allowed to play anything that isn't girly so no leave it.
lol I felt like I was being mocked.
so today when we are alone I bring it up and he said shut the F up I don't want to hear it get away from me you are going to ruin our kids, your bipolar (I'm not) your psycho you dumb c##t. (Also today is my birthday) lol and he always goes way to far so I can't even bring things up that hurts my feelings without him getting angry. EVER
it's like such a simple thing that normal couples wouldn't think twice about but because my stepdaughter is treated like the second wife in this house I can't enjoy a normal life excited to watch my first kid grow and put her in things I want to cause I get mocked etc.
When my daughter gets older and comes to me and tells me she would rather try something else and I know it's coming from her and not her being influenced by her older sister then yes I would of course want her to do anything she wanted but there is no big deal in me enjoying certain things with my little girl but because his ex didn't allow his daughter to do what she wanted then it has to be forced into my kid? And somehow I am just like his ex? This is not my kids dream lol this is his child's ex dream supposedly but there is more to this. His daughter always makes comments like this it's like she is pushing my daughter to be a sporty 'boy type' sounds weird I know but she always makes big comments to my daughter and about her like influencing her to do boy things all when she herself and I are both girly girls I sense I bit of insecurity there because anything I like she makes her own and says she likes it more or first lol whatever I don't care that's so childish my point it I feel like all this is really about her being insecure and now my kid is being pushed to play something she doesn't even know exists and my boyfriend is making it worse by mocking me to his family I'm all nervous that they are going to make a huge deal about this now and before you know it everyone will be pushing soccer
this sport that his kid brought up was never our dream and somehow it's turned into a huge deal
Your SD is not treated like
Your SD is not treated like the "second wife" - she is treated like the first wife and you are treated like a piece of scum. Any partner of mine called me a psycho, bipolar or dumb C word, that would be the end of the relationship. Your bf seems to make a habit of insulting and mocking you. I wouldn't be worrying about whether my toddler was going to play soccer or not, I'd be making plans to have a life without this vile man.
Why are you with a man who
Why are you with a man who would speak to you the way your boyfriend does? His disrespect and verbal abuse seems a bigger issue than SD.
As for activities, kids often have to try a variety before they find one that clicks. My SD7 has done t-ball, soccer, gymnastics and basketball so far and hasn't found "her" activity yet. Soccer, the sport her BM excelled at and pushed hard, is the one she hated and had to be dragged to. There's no harm in letting your child try golf, soccer, dance and gymnastics (not all at the same time, of course). You're making too big a deal out of the soccer, although I fully understand this isn't really about soccer.
First, you left your daughter
First, you left your daughter & DH’s names in there.
Your DH should never call you those names. What a horrid way to react to you, you don’t deserve that. Verbal abuse is abuse. Not ok. At all.
Your SD is 17, if she wants to play soccer surely there are rec leagues she can play in & ‘pursue her dreams’. Skids don’t get to make choices for their siblings. You’ve got a DH problem big time, and I agree with Kes. She’s not the second wife, you’re the second wife. SD is the #1 wife, and she knows it.
Thank you do you know how I
Thank you do you know how I can remove the names?
he said shut the F up I don't
he said shut the F up I don't want to hear it get away from me you are going to ruin our kids, your bipolar (I'm not) your psycho you dumb c*nt.
You have bigger issues than what activities your daughter will be involved in.
This baby is only a year old.
This baby is only a year old. Can yall letting her worry about important stuff like walking and gearing up for the terrible twos before deciding what sports to sign her up for???
What's wrong with the kid being introduced to a wide variety of things, then sticking to the ones that she enjoys the most?
Why does any of that matter when your boyfriend speaks to you like some filthy stranger in the street??? How can you remain in a relationship with a man who calls you such vile, disgusting names?
You left names in there.
You left names in there.
Why not wait until your daughter is older and find out what SHE wants to do? She might surprise you all and want to play the Tuba in the marching band.
ETA: Oh, and he's verbally abusive. Don't put up with that.
A lot of parents start their
A lot of parents start their young children in things there is nothing wrong with it and in my opinion it's healthy if she grows up and wants to play tuba I'm fine with that as long as it's not my step daughter influencing her out of jealousy. Soccer is not the issue ugh
What a mess. I can't belive
What a mess. I can't belive you are this worked up about the future activities of a child who isn't even 2.
Leave this man and his disgusting mouth and let him take your daughter to soccer on his custody time and you can take your daughter to all the "girly" activities you like on your time.
Maybe you need to start
Maybe you need to start calling him names. Give him a dose of his own medicine. He's a piece of shit. Don't back down to those two. They are controlling pieces of shit. SD has no business making suggestions and plans for your daughter. It's not her child. She needs to back off and mind her own business. Next time she makes a suggestion dont even respond and never bring it up to her dad like it's something important that needs to be talked about. What SD says is not important. Ignore her like the piece of trash that she is. Too bad you can't chuck her in a garbage can.
Why are you not addressing
Why are you not addressing comments with regards to your disgusting husband's mouth when you reply to others?
Elephant in the room
Greetings and welcome to the site.
Firstly, your boyfriend is not acting in a loving manner condusive to a positive relationship. Calling you such names tells me that he lacks respect. And he is gaslighting you to make you back down from whatever it is that you are disagreeing with. This is all emotional abuse.
Normally I dont like to encourage leaving, but you must think long and hard about whether or not you should stay with your boyfriend. You are not married. Has he provided you with an insurance policy in case he kicks the bucket? Are you provided for financially in some other way?
Get your financial ducks in a row.
Have a BIG heart to heart when it is not the heat of the moment. Tell him how you feel. If he cannot understand and make changes then you must give an ultimatum.
As to your insistance in how to fix the situation with SD "forcing" things on a 1-year old. At least she is showing interest in kiddo, many just ignore. Which is the solution - ignore her, she will hopefully be off to college soon.
Sounds like SD wants to reign
Sounds like SD wants to reign as princess and is afraid your daughter might take her crown. By the time your DD will be enrolled in activities SD will be (hopefully) out living her life and this won't even be on her spectrum of trying to make DD a "Tom boy" anymore. Don't stress too much about it.
And clearly everyone feels the same of your boyfriends mouth.....
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice.
Teach your daughter
Teaching your daughter that a man can tell her to shut the fuck up and call her a c*nt will supercede any benefit from putting her in sports. If you do not kick this vile piece of shit of a man to the curb you are an idiot not to mention failing as a mother. Who cares whether she is in gymnastics or soccer if she is going to think it is ok to be with a verbally abusive loser.
Calling someone who’s in an
Calling someone who’s in an abusive relationship an idiot & a failure as a mother is never going to help. Not to mention you’re being as abusive as her BF by calling her names. It’s not as easy to leave these situations as people think, and it often takes the victim a number of times before she finally leaves for good. We all agree her BF is garbage & both her & her daughter deserve far better, but you aren’t helping at all.
Playing along with her game
Playing along with her game of ignoring her idiot BF's abuse and focusing on the SD instead isn't helping her one bit. The SD can suggest 1000 activities. At the end of the day, the parents are the ones that will make the ultimate decision.
Oh I agree 100%, the whole
Oh I agree 100%, the whole situation is dysfunctional & she’s not helping herself. But calling her an idiot & a failure as a mother? It’s a bit much.
he said shut the F up I don't
he said shut the F up I don't want to hear it get away from me you are going to ruin our kids, your bipolar (I'm not) your psycho you dumb c*nt.
^^THAT. Why you think that is acceptable for him to talk to you like that is a thousand times more important than what (if any) kind of sports your child plays. This is NOT OKAY. This is not how a normal, mentally healthy person speaks to a loved one.
Hon, I seriously question your self esteem and sense of self worth. PLEASE ask yourself WHY you think nothing of his verbal abuse. Would you be okay with him saying that to your child???
Love yourself more. Love your baby more. This is NOT okay and it is NOT normal or healthy.
Thank you for all of your
Thank you for all of your comments and yes there are so many dynamics here and different issues I don't know where to begin. So I post each issue in different comments trying to understand each new problem that occurs. My problem in this comment is that I am dealing with a jealous stepdaughter and as I understand it's a normal cycle my normal reaction would be to be scared and seek any advice I can. Trying to understand what I can do to fix the problem because this is by far not the only issue and I cannot speak to my boyfriend at all without him being hostile to me or not wanting to hear it. And I am always nice to his daughter I never say anything to her without being nervous about his or her reaction because she will just leave and he knows it so therefore she has the power because he allows it. As far as me leaving I know he has a terrible mouth it's disgusting and I am not okay with it his whole family knows and tells him he need to stop speaking to me the way he does I don't deserve it. I tell him all the time he has two daughters and how he treats me they will allow a man to treat him. And he agrees and does it anyway. I have been with him for 11 years I have dealt with ALOT and probably should have left years ago but I never did despite his mouth he is very charming and he has been there for me more than anyone in my whole life I don't have any family and not a good career I am financially set up and I have a good life at this moment his family is amazing they all support me in many ways and they are all very good to my daughter there is potential in him and in his daughter that's why I take my time looking for advice on how to handle situations. His stepdaughter recently moved in with us too even though she was always with us and if she doesn't get her way she threatens to leave and she can her mom would accept her so he lets her do what she wants and he is most often scared to correct her and the few times I have ever tried to say anything she flips out and so does he and yes since I have had my daughter I have learned to stand up for myself step one speaking up against it step two coming in this site looking for advice because I don't have anyone to go to and I do not want to talk to his family about it it's just a lot to bring up and I don't want to talk bad about them to them. If it was just as simple as her saying she wants her to play something I would be fine with that it's more than that she has been challenging me for a while even before my daughter was born or even known about she never liked me because her mother taught her to hate me and yes I suppose it is nice that she is showing interest but I wish I could believe it was just that. There has been to much happen. There are a lot of positives with them as well that's why "just leaving" isn't as easy as your reccomendations despite these obstacles ahead of us my daughter is treated very well by everyone that surrounds her and has no clue and yes ultimately if he doesn't stop with his disrespect I will have no choice but to leave for my daughters sake but at this point I have been coming on this site looking for advice on each issue going on because I have no one to talk to about it because as we all agree my boyfriend at this point doesn't want to hear it he doesn't want conflict so I need to handle these things for myself also if you knew my boyfriend you would not believe anything I was saying right now he is the most charming kindest person you could ever meet and he goes out of his way for his kids he even says his kids come before any women which can be good but also bad. Everyone says he is heaven sent he takes VERY good care of everyone around him and at the end of the day if him and I ever broke up it would not be good for me I have nothing everyone loves him and no one besides his family has a clue how he has spoken to me in the past and the way I am spoken to almost seems minimal compared to everything else and I know that if him and I did break up my daughter would lean more towards him and his daughter he spoils his kids I am strict, his daughter would play momma and I would probably lose my child when I am an amazing mom I dedicate every second of my day to my daughter and in never having any family I make sure she feels loved and even in saying all this I love him he has done more for me than anyone my whole life he takes care of me and very good care of my daughter and his own he is good to his family he is a hard worker if I ask him to do things in the house he does he goes beyond in those ways for me. My only complaint is his mouth to me and the way he lets his daughter sort of reign over our home if I can fix those two things it could possibly be perfect or at least for our family so I look for advice I suppose sort of motherly advice or sisterly advice telling you ways to handle situations cause as it may not seem like a lot to some or just leaving is the answer it is a lot for me. My daughter is surrounded by love she is well taken care of and even then I know my boyfriend needs to watch his mouth especially the way he speaks to me or it could affect both his children.
On another note I gratefully appreciate any comment and all of you taking your time to read and try to help. But if I get a little defensive about some of you stating all I care about is "girly" or "soccer" it's way more than that so defensive is a natural reaction. And I am by no means an idiot. So that is a little harsh and dealing with certain things that I have I would never say that to another woman because you don't know what she may be dealing or have dealt with.
Do you have a therapist to
Do you have a therapist to talk things through with? It might help you to realize that you are in a stronger position than you feel like you are in.
The only motherly or sisterly
The only motherly or sisterly advice is to leave your jack ass boyfriend. It doesn't matter how wonderful his family is or how great they treat you. That jerk is abusing you. Ater 11 years he knows he can get away with talking to that way because he knows that the chances of you leaving are slim to none.
Once you learn to love yourself (and your daughter) more than you love him and fear being alone, you will find the strength to walk away from your abuser. Good luck to you.
Disagreement and angst over
Disagreement and angst over shit that has not even happened yet and is at least years away makes no sense.
Don't let what might could possibly happen steal your bliss and the joy you have the opportunity to have with your baby.
When the time comes, you are the mother. You have full veto rights on anything you choose not to happen. At least as long as you are still married to your daughter's father.
Good luck.