Argument with STep Daughter what do I do?
So my Step daughter (17) and I got into an argument 5 days ago we don't argue ever because we never talk even when we are around each other I have been with her father for 11 years. Her mother always hated me so so did she, she never really had respect for me( she pretend to).
So we got into an argument in which she was wrong even DH admits it and so does everyone else but she refuses to apologize to me and she refuses to come out of her room if I am downstairs so I would cook and then go to my room to eat so she could have a hot meal and eat with her dad finally after a few days of that I said no more that evening I cooked and I said to DH if she wants to join us fine but if not she can eat after we eat our meal comfortable at the table she stayed in her room and was upset that he ate without her
then last night we gave her the option again and she decided to come sit she didn't say hi to me at all but I served her food she didn't say thank you
after dinner I go upstairs and hear her screaming at her father refusing to apologize to me and that I owe her one she is very entitled and never apologized I don't think ever except one time but it was a lie to get her way
she's calling all of her friends and telling them how horrible I am even though I'm really not doing anything I've stayed away with my daughter who is 20 months
now my husband is saying I need to fix this I'm the adult meanwhile it wasn't my fault, if I go to the queen and apologize for nothing she will never respect me like now
even worse tomorrow is Easter and she will expect to play with my daughter who is 20 months who she usually comes to see once a week but again uses her to hurt me it's always a competition I can't play with my daughter without her mocking me or trying to overpower me.
so I have to be around her all day with no apology knowing she is talking terribly about me to her friends and family and mocking me using my own daughter
I just want to stay upstairs with my daughter in my happy place but I am religious and I know I need to do the right thing and go downstairs and cook and be with this family
so any advice is well appreciated should I fix it? Or should I set an example and make her come to me although I feel that would just feed her power hunger
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice. She is now telling her dad she wants to spend the rest of Quarantine at her cousins away from me and he is thinking about letting her go. Trust me right now that sounds great but I know if she goes she will never have to apologize it will never be discussed and when she comes back we will have to pretend like nothing ever happened and I will once again be on eggshells that anything I say she will get mad and leave and her dad will take up for her because he wouldn't want her to leave and that since I'm not apologizing and I am standing my ground and I told him not to let her leave he is upset with me she never has to face hard things she runs away then I am always uncomfortable around her then I have to watch her act all crazy happy fun around my daughter and not have to have a relationship with me at all it's honestly the hardest feeling I have ever faced
Your husband is a big part of
Your husband is a big part of the problem.
Oh yes I have told him many
Oh yes I have told him many times not taking up for him but I know he is doing it because she will just leave and he doesn't want that so we have always walked on eggshells and pretty much did whatever she wanted before I had a kid I didn't care I didn't have to be around her if I didn't want I was nice I did favors for her (for him) but now that I have my own daughter I have changed and no longer allow such behavior
If your DH wants to be Mr.
If your DH wants to be Mr. Doormat let him and let her leave if she want to, not your problem. You don't have to be Mrs. Doormat. And you're going to have to learn, with your DH and SD you may never get an apology from your SD. Just disengage from her, she means you no good. Don't fold to your DH demands either, he created this monster not you. Focus on your DD and you can absolutely control her interactions with your DD, especially if she's using her to hurt you.
It's time to take this up with your DH and take your power back in your home. He can't force you to kiss his DD's ass so don't let him guilt you. If he starts yelling tell him to talk to you when he's ready to be an adult and walk away.
I know I see this a lot on
I know I see this a lot on this site, but I will never understand a parent being afraid of their kid and walking on eggshells in their own home. My dad has never been afraid of me and my DH has never been afraid of his daughter. He parented her and disciplined her, whether he thought she would like it or not, that's what being a parent is about.
Even now that my SD is 28, he will tell it like it is if he feels she is screwing up, even if it means she will get mad and won't call him for awhile. He has a life with me and if she doesn't want to be a part his life, that's on her. He loves her but he's not going to be a doormat for her and he's not going to just bite his tongue to please her. And he never has. I've never heard him say, "But if I (insert whatever), she won't come over, anymore." Boo hoo.
What a load of crap.
What, exactly, are you
What, exactly, are you supposed to fix and apologize for? She's 17 so it's time for HER to start acting like an adult. If she was the one in the wrong, SHE needs to apologize.
Besides, being an adult does not mean letting someone walk all over you and treat you disrespectfully.
Disengage from her. Cook for your family, but don't serve her, she can serve herself. Don't hide in your room in your own home. Do what you want with your daughter and don't play into SD's competition nonsense, your DD knows who her mother is.
Take your power back. Don't give her the power to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home. There were only a couple of times that my SD tried to make snarky remarks to get to me and I ignored her and pretended that I didn't even hear her, so it fell flat and backfired on her. I know what your SD is doing with your daughter is hard to ignore, but she loves that it gets to you, that's why she does it. I don't know your SD so don't know what would work best, ignoring it or playing along with it. Or maybe just look at her like she's nuts and continue what you are doing.
Your husband telling you that you are the adult and need to "fix" it, when it is HIS daughter being a brat, is just as disrespectful as she is. Had my husband EVER pulled that, he would have either gotten a silent death glare or an earful.
Go about your business in YOUR home, do not be intimidated by her. Or him.
Thank you
Thank you it feels good to hear this advice ignoring it just allows her free reign (it feels like) and I tried playing her game it felt good but she just does it more and louder when her friends are around she does it EVEN more and I tell her dad about it but he either really doesn't see it or pretends not to he tells me I'm crazy lol but he's the type that wants everyone to push things under the rug and always be happy. What feels even worse is since SD started doing this really "drastic" loud mocking to my daughter my daughter loves it and anytime she is around she only wants her ugh it's gut wrenching and nobody knows what's really happening and everyone brags how much she loves her sister (she doesn't act like this in front of family cause she knows they would notice) who she comes to see 2 hours a week to show face acts obnoxiously I mean it's so obvious and then leaves
then she tells her father she's scared to hold my daughter of my reaction lol (she's a Scemer her mom is the best game player around) it's obvious she isn't scared she gets right in DD face and sticks her tongue out and acts crazy while I'm holding her and doesn't even acknowledge me she grabs her right out of my arms and if I'm doing something with my daughter she jumps right in.
so after her saying this he tells her don't worry you take her whenever you want UGH it's like handing the devil the torch so I am not a game player but I need something cause I'm seriously done with the games
It's time you reminded your
It's time you reminded your DuH that YOU are your DD's mother and YOU will decide who can or cannot hold her and when ... not some loud jumped-up teenager!
your husband needs to be told
your husband needs to be told to be the adult and parent his out of control teen.
Please do not apologise when
Please do not apologise when you have nothing to apologise for . I spent 24 yrs doing this with my exH, it didn't help that I walked on eggshells and grovelled the whole time - it just made me feel worse and made him more entitled. Please stand up for yourself and if your husband can't stand up for you then maybe review why you are with him.
Its time for YOU to put your
Its time for YOU to put your big girl britches on and take back control.
When DH tells you to fix it, remind him that he agreed that his nearly adult DD is wrong, that he argued with her over an apology BECAUSE she is wrong, that HE is the parent so HE needs to do just that -parent. That you are tired of being terrorised in your own home and fingers wrongly being pointed in your direction, that if sd actually wants you to be the person she is wrongly accusing you of being then watch this space, that at age 18 it will be deuces from you.
Let dh sent her to her friends, peace for you.
Then when she tries to snatch DD from you, turn your back. Gets in your space with DD, turn your back. You DO NOT allow anyone to snatch your child, you take her back. If she Starts whinging that you are making her uncomfortable to Dh. "Sorry she feels that way DH" then change subject. If Dh gives sd green light to dominate DD remind him YOU are DDs mom, that sd is making you anxious and that she is using DH and DD as weapons to control, subdue and manipulate with you being primary target for her anger. If DH doesnt want to see that and refuses to protect you from his resentful teen that you have EVERY right to shield yourself and your DD.
Its down to you to make some changes and to stop allowing sd and also dh to lead you by the nose as they are controlling you and your happiness.
^^^THIS^^^
Every word.
Your bf is pressuring you when he should be cracking the whip with his out of control daughter. He is being both lazy and selifsh, and applying pressure to the person whose happiness matters the least to him. Think about that.
Put on your bi!ch boots and be more assertive. Be the bigger bi!ch, and make your bf more afraid of displeasing you than his is of his daughter.
Thank you for your advice, I
Thank you for your advice, I have done that and they both gang up on me. Sometimes It seems he enjoys it when she has to take up for him. Him and I will be in a conversation and he will start being loud right when he has to put me down or correct me like since this argument and him agreeing with me since she threw her fit he has called me an immature child twice today really loud like intentionally getting her to hear why does he need to put me down or correct me or let her hear we are disagreeing
he needs to feel she will take up for him?
If you can't do it for
If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your little one. Show her what a mama bear looks like.
I do stand up for myself with
I do stand up for myself with him when she isn't around
I've told him these things and he denies that it's happening he tells me that I'm crazy or that I'm insecure or that I think everyone is against me lol (just those that act like they are) but I know it's a way for him to make me rethink my feelings and undermine me which almost works every time. And sometimes when he does stand up for me (like the other day) he now changed his mind because of his daughters tantrum lol it's almost grounds for me to leave but he is good with my daughter and We have a great relationship outside of the issues with his daughter and I pray one day this could work but she is so far gone it seems and entitled I never know when she is being real or just nice to my face one day I dread having to have her spend time with my daughter Alone as of this moment I don't trust her hopefully one day but right now not. And sometimes I wonder who the girlfriend in this relationship is
"Sometimes I wonder who the
"Sometimes I wonder who the GF in this relationship is." Your DH has done what a lot of DHs do, unfortunately. He has set up the family dynamic where you are treated more like a child (in your own home) and his daughter is treated more like a GF or wife. What winds up happening is, no surprise, SO winds up feeling like a child being scolded by her DH while his bio-child lords over 'em. And, bio-kid (SK) winds up acting like a little lord or queen because that is the role HER OWN FATHER assigned to her in what should be a joint household with his SO. DO NOT put up with this. The fact that the little be.atch can't even apologize says loud and clear that she doesn't want to give up her queen role, that has been so ingratiated into her soul, that she sees even a well-justifiable apology as somehow giving up her kingdom.
This is how many a SM winds up becoming "Evil SM," when they get sick and tired of sucking it up and taking it and start telling everyone to back off, including their own DH. What many don't realize, however, is that filling those Evil SM shoes usually (not always, but usually) comes about as a result of the bios (DH, BM, SKs) all picking away at SM's real role, her role as dad's wife or long-term SO. Nowadays, I actually think it is a compliment to be called an Evil SM because that means you are not putting up with just being the bios' be.atch. It means you have enough respect for yourself to say NO and mean NO. You need to take back your role as DH's SO or wife, and HE needs to put his daughter back in the daughter role. It has nothing to do with being a bigger or better adult. It has to do with recognizing shiatsu when you see it and calling it out. This is why you do not take the high road and you do not be the bigger person, because these types of mantras are the ones pretty much every society throws out there to keep "undesireable" people in their lesser place, in the background, minimized, out of the way.
His family is absolutely
His family is absolutely amazing his mother and his sister would absolutely freak if I told them these things but I never have it just feels awkward to talk to them about their son or brother and especially their niece granddaughter and it's embarrassing so thank God for this sight because I literally have no where else for advice I have been holding this in since my DD was born and I'm just at an angry almost feel hopeless point but I'm not giving up
now tomorrow is Easter wish me luck and any words of encouragement would help I have to go downstairs with my daughter and play happy I would so much rather spend the day with her upstairs lol
I don't want to go down at all I feel like it's two against one right now she's the real wife of the relationship he's being rude to me in front of her and I just can't take it I want to leave but I have no where to go and my daughter has it good here I don't know how I am going to stomach looking at her tomorrow and especially him being on her side right now I feel like the spotlight is on me and any move I make they are ready to jump I'm so sick to my stomach I was going to cook a couple things tonight I wanted to make Easter special for everyone I always go out of the way like that it's who I am but he came home late with his daughter made a mess in the kitchen I begged him please have it clean before I come down it was a mess then when I come downstairs to cook I give him a dirty look like "you promised to clean this so I wouldn't have to clean cook clean" I do wake up at 6am with the baby " then after my silent look he said out loud with his daughters door wide open "what? You want me to clean or something? So sorry I didn't get the kitchen clean in time I am on important phone calls with work please I'll do it as soon as I can ok baby. Lol he never talks to me like that first off and I always ask him to do things and if I don't repeat myself a thousand time he won't so as the on an important phone call may be true
no need to advertise it to your daughter who already digs for things to hate me for and
2 it does me no good since I'm not going to be up until 2 am cooking I'm exhausted already and I don't even eat what I was cooking I was making it special for them but after that I said forget it I'm not cooking it
then just now I'm upstairs and he needed something from me he said to his daughter u go up and she said ugh dad please don't make me and gave him a look of death
it's like I'm so horrible I do everything I mean everything for both of them and her and I get into an argument because of her and now I'm not even worthy to be around or even look at for that matter but I have to cook your food?
problem is I can't stay mad for long and I will end up cooking anyway because it's Easter
I have to do everything like the mom I mean everything but I can't get the respect
Update
He just told me.
she isn't going to apologize so what let it go she said she isn't looking for an apology either lol I said well I am she owes me an apology and he said well your not going to get one get over it stop this shit like now I'm the bad guy if I don't let it go
this means she has the easy way out and she doesn't even have to acknowledge the way that she treated me all week
im not an evil step mom I try and try and try she is evil and ruthless I have given her more than enough time over the years and more than enough chances
Thats the issue they know you
Thats the issue they know you will tip toe around when sd is present, continue as normal, not address anything immediately and will do what everyone else wants-'and THAT is why nothing will change!
Now he is acting like she did
Now he is acting like she did nothing wrong and telling me why am I overreacting she is over it she doesn't want to apologize and she isn't looking for one he's telling me I am to insecure I am making this way bigger then it need to be
so I could just shove it under the rug not make her apologize she wins and next time I even dare try to say anything or correct her in anyway she has full power so once again eggshells because he will just say I am over reacting picking on his poor daughter
So you cooked dinner with a toddler (20months)
congrats on that because it is hard. You and hubby decided to eat together because sd made a choice to not eat with you. Then loses her shit at hubby.
so basically what sd wants is you slave your arse off making dinner while she’s couped in her room, then you disappear into your room, while queen b eats with daddy at dining table like a couple and your husband doesn’t see anything wrong about treating you like this and lost his shit at you because apparently you caused this fight??
you are a scapegoat in all this.. your husband is a real di*k... no way would my husband dare to do that to me. Since 3 yrs ago he forced ss(who is almost 22 now) to come out and eat my dinner. He would have this funny face and lie saying he is full and he ate already.
i cook proper healthy delicious food, his mum can’t even cook yet ss shuns at my cooking and tries to take digs at it. One evening at 8.30pm he told his dad he is going on his motorbike to get some chilli sauce. Apparently my cooking wasn’t to standard and hubby says we have herps of chilli sauce at home but no, ss had to make a big drama and buy a new one.
Hubby just shakes his head and enjoyed esting dinner with me and our daughter who was about 1 at the time
I don't even want to go
I don't even want to go downstairs and be with them but he is expecting my daughter to go down there and be with his for dinner makes since but I don't even want to look at her at this point he sided with her and now I'm expected to let it go after the way she treated me or I am the bad guy.
so how do I set an example? Should I just send her down there to eat and I stay upstairs? It's going to hurt that I can't be with my daughter or feed her and I know he will make his daughter feed her which disgusts me but what do I if I don't go down there at all am I just doing the same thing she was? Or should I stay upstairs let my daughter down there for an hour with them and come get her?
If I go down there I have to watch his 17 year old daughter act like the best sister alive to my daughter for an hour or longer and then everything that ever happened I have to forget and she will keep on being the way she is
it's wild because quietly he's telling me he is sorry and I'm right but he doesn't know what to do and loudly he is siding with her for her to hear lol It's ridiculous
I'm torn between the right thing and being played
It sounds like you are being
It sounds like you are being played. The right thing is to remove yourself from this game and do not engage any further until your DH steps up, if ever.
Pussy parents make me wanna
Pussy parents make me wanna puke. Why anyone tolerates one as their life partner is beyond me.