I gather that you're young like maybe teens or twenties. You really should leave. Especially with all the guilt trips SO is sending your way, even though it's his fault for not actually parenting his out of control son.. No thank you, and next!

You need to be more like his mom?  So you need to leave and not come back?  LOL  This guy is delusional if he thinks his kid is cute.  You are not his mother and no one likes a kid who is rude, nasty, and spits on you.  Surprise!

Tell him that he created this problem and he needs to get it under control.  Children will do what they can get away with and this is 100% on him.  Just leave and do things on your own even if it is sitting in a bookstore coffee shop so that he is stuck dealing with the child himself.   If he wants to end the marriage over it then you have dodged a serious bullet.  Can you imagine how he would raise your mutual children and the fights you would have over what is acceptable????

That little shit would get flicked on the lips with the back of my fingers followed by a session of being turned over my knee for the spitting bullshit.

I would be marching that kid to an isolated corner by a twisted ear any time he pulled his screaming toy throwing "my daddy" bullshit. If DH said a word, I would give him the message that if does not like how his spawn was being dealt with he can step up and get it done before I have to.

No way would this crap fly in my world.

He thinks behavior is cute, rather than getting his son help?

Yes, you are wasting your time here.  If DH can't see this is a child screaming out for help, and doesn't get him into therapy while putting a stop to this behavior in the home, then it is absolutely time to leave.

Why would you want to have a child with someone who is such a lousy parent?  Go and find someone without the baggage this man is carrying.

Darlin' cut your loses and leave this shitty ass relationship. You have an out of control 3 year old Gremlin and your H is a shitty father who can't discipline and parent to save his life. He refuses to get any help so you already know nothing will improve. His mother may never come back. If your H doesn't want to improve this unhealthy situation that's on him but you don't have to suffer with him.

Well, your husband's true colors are now coming through. Is this the kind of man you want to be with?

I agree with you that you're wasting your time.  You don't get to spend any time alone with your husband, your husband is a crap father who doesn't parent his kid, and his kid screams, spits on you and makes you miserable with no consequences from his father for that behavior.  If the kid was 17-1/2 I might feel differently, but this kid is 3.  You're in for 15 more years of this if the BM doesn't return and take him off your hands.  And now that you've seen the kind of parent your DH is, would you want to have children with him anyway?   

What a mess! You have a traumatized SS who has been abandoned by his mother and a father who does not parent. If you were not married, my only advice would be to run and don't look back.

But, you are married. So if you want to stay married and can get husband on board, there are things that he can do. He can go to court and get custody. He can find a counselor/therapist that deals with trauma and used play therapy for SS. He can work on trauma parenting with the counselor/therapist. He can take parenting classes and apply what he learned at home. If he does all of this, and he realizes that he also has to cultivate his marriage, then the marriage may have a chance. If he is not willing to change and do the work to change, you can resign yourself to a minimum of 15 more years of this insanity, or you can run.

Please!!!

Sounds like my predicament. 

If you have the funds, go. It will not get better or change. 

If you use kindle, look into the book about stepmoms, one about boundaries. It was great for me.

Hate to say it but I agree with all the above-get out of this while you can and there are no other children involved. This won't get better and will most definitely get worse.  If the kid is spitting on you  now, wait until he starts to hit and your husband won't stand by you.  It's just a matter of time before this escalates into something worse.  Go, girl-- trust us; we've done this a long time.

You don't have to get DH's blessing to disengage. Just do it.

It's only going to get worst as time goes on.  He showing his true colors. Myopic don't want to be the ring master of this circus.   RUN as fast as you can before the police will be part of your household 

Your SS is 3 years old and understands that someone pays the water bill?   

You should probably seek ways on getting help out of this predicament er relationship.

Nothing positive about staying - you will end up trying to bend yourself into a pretzel to please your H and SS and nothing will suffice. Save yourself all this misery and get out!

If Dh refused to get this poor little boy some kind of therapy, I would leave. 

I think I must have been in foster care between the age of 1 and a half and nearly 3. 

I became very attached to my foster parents and all of a sudden one day they were gone and I was given back to my bio mum. After a week my mother took down the photo of my foster mum and dad, and my two foster siblings. I actually still remember the heartbreak a bit now. 

My point is, I would have felt better if sometime had taken the time to explain, even in baby language the situation to me. 

One day I was in one place, the next I was somewhere else, and there was this void in my heart that couldn’t be filled. 

I am absolutely fine about this now by the way. I have four beautiful children and I’m pretty happy with life. 

I hope you find a way around this. Rightly or wrongly, this little boy might be pining for his mother. 

"If I'm a horrible person, then it makes you a horrible father for keeping your son around me. So either be a good dad and take your son away from the evil stepmother, or apologize for calling your WIFE a horrible person. I'll be back at 5pm waiting for your decision."

Then get up and LEAVE. You cannot be afraid to stand up to your DH, and if you are afraid that he'll hurt you, then you need to leave for an entirely different reason.

What he's allowing isn't okay. What your DH is doing isn't okay. He is both being toxic (calling you names) and allowing you to be abused (being spit on).

There are worse things than being divorced young, like being in a toxic, abusive marriage. Been there, done that. My divorce was the best $125 I ever spent.

You should NEVER be in a relationship where you're afraid and/or your partner tries to control what you do. You're not a puppet or a doll or a plaything. You're an adult human who deserves love and respect. Your DH isn't giving you either right now, so you need to give yourself enough to stand up for what is rightfully yours and take it, even if that means leaving.

It is completely unfair and unreasonable that you are expected to put up with this kid being around 24/7, when that's not what you signed up for when you married this guy.

i realise that everyone is saying "RUN". Look, I have to say, that what from I'm reading, it seems like the only best option. But I realise that you might be thinking that the decision to just leave seems like a massive, daunting task, that you may or may not have the courage to do. I get that you can't just blink like 'I dream of Jeanie' and poof! you're outta there. However, the situation you're in sounds like a disaster. It sounds like unmitigated hell. I personally would NEVER agree to being with a man that had his kid 24/7....... I don't care if this has been sprung on you after your wedding.  Your husband's ex is an absolute low life to dump the kid and run. 

So therefore, it point-blank leaving your ex is too big a task to take on all in one hit, I recommend making a start on seriously distancing yourself in little bite-sized steps. One step at a time. Baby steps. Start by staying at someone's house one night a week (your mother, your best friend etc). Then up it to two nights a week. Then three. Tell your husband whatever excuse you need to. Or tell him the truth. You work it out.  But whatever you do, don't just sit around and take this crap anymore. Start taking action. 

Your husband sounds like a totally pig-headed, selfish, idiotic fool. I would love to see the look on his face, if he turns around and realises you've disappeared for a week, and he's left alone with his hurricane of a little monster. That's the thing. You're always there, so you've never given him the chance to miss you. Why should he put any effort into accomodating you and what you need? 

Please take my advice from my recent experiences,, ive recently just gone through a seperation with my SO after 7 years of hell with his brat son.  The kid used to spit at me and my son when he didnt like something ,he was 4 at the time,, his father used to kind of tell him off but then guilt would set in and he would end up brushing off any kind of punishment and then be disney dad.  Well the kid is now 12 , he steals , lies ALL the time , hes been suspended in the first week of school for fighting, he vandilises my personal belongings like scratching my car, slashing my fridge , kitchen benches etc the list goes on., all because DH was in denial his kid could do no wrong.  He never manned up and parented/disciplined his son and still cant figure out what my problem was with the brat!!! He would just say "hes only 12 and being a kid",, if i did those things at 12years old, i wouldnt be here now to speak of it as my folks would have murdered me. Please dont hang around and tolerate this like I did for so many years, wether your married to him or not.   Is this how you would want him to parent your kids if you ever had any?  

That poor baby boy, being dumped and his whole life a shambles. Your spouse, who wasn't expecting this either and has no idea how to Dad and you, who are stuck in the crosshairs of a situation that is a ticking time bomb for resentments, emotional trauma an a failed marriage.

ALL of you need to go to counseling. The little guy to help him with this horrible situation. You, to help you stand up for yourself and to identify what you ulltimately want and your husband to help him learn how to be a dad. Go as a family for sure. Go individually if DH won't cooperate. That little boy needs so badly to feel boundaries around him and to know that things are secure for him now. That is DH's job to do and he is failing. Tell him it is either therapy for all of you or you move out.

Best of luck. I am so sorry this is happening.