SD is still causing me anxiety
SD returned after not speaking to my DH for five years for no reason other than her BM malicious nature. Anyway we have seen her a few times, but I cannot warm to her and to be perfectly honest I'd rather her just have stayed away. She is polite but what I would call falsely charming. She never asks about us, our life and she didn't even wish us happy anniversary recently . DH texts her and she doesn't reply for a few days which makes him and me in turn anxious. Then she replies to say sorry she hasn't replied she has been busy. No one could be busier than DH and I . And teens always have their phones glued to them. She even made a comment the last time that she didn't want to come in our house as she felt nervous as my own two daughters were there ( same age ) but they live with us and she obviously knows that so I have no idea where she expected them to be . My daughters are lovely and welcoming to her.
SD gives me an uncomfortable feeling. I don't trust her at all but I don't know if it's me. DH also acts a bit different towards me in front of her . For example he always comes in the same time every night yet when she's due he makes sure he's home early. He made a point of coming in early and giving me some flowers ( he usually does ) before SD arrived and I think it's because he doesn't want to appear too nice to me. I've been going crazy in my mind since her arrival back on the scene as it never ends good.
i know BM will put the scuppers on it soon enough . Also I think SD only sees us when BM is in work and will text on a Monday and let DH what evening she is available . It annoys me lol . Just need to vent !
Tried talking to DH and he defends her which I also find annoying lol and only sees things from SD aged 19s perspective.
I think all of this stuff is
I think all of this stuff is normal for a kid who has just returned from being alienated. It takes time to rebuild a relationship, and it's really not possible to build a true, meaningful one as long as she lives with BM.
My SS20 (who has been back from alienation for 1.5 years) does not acknowledge DH's birthday or any other holiday (including Father's day). He sometimes takes days to respond to DH's texts. But he has been consistently involved in our lives and the relationship is somewhat better. The truth is - he is like his BM, so until/unless he changes, there can't really be a deep relationship.
And IMO, kids aren't responsible for acknowledging parents' anniversary, especially with a stepparent. She likely has no idea when it is.
Yeah, I get the sense that
Yeah, I get the sense that this is a kid slowly waking up the the fact that her mother caused the harm in her relationship with her father, but she still needs/wants/loves her mother. She's not sure how to navigate both worlds without risking her entire relationship with her mother.
And losing her mother - even if BM deserves it - is a hefty price to pay for a rocky relationship with her dad and his family.
BM has raised SD, so SD likely has a lot of BM's traits. But her BM has put her in this very unfait situation. Even if SD plays into it, she currently doesn't know how not to. Unless/until she leaves the nest, where she can gain independence, perspective, and maturity, this superficial relationship will likely remain.
I mentioned our anniversary
I mentioned our anniversary as she was over the day before and it was talked about as we were going away the day after. She was aware definitely. But thanks for the advice x
She also did leave home to go to uni away but had to return after 3 weeks due to her mums pressure
But honestly - it's not
But honestly - it's not realistic to expect an 18-year-old to care about your anniversary, even if she wasn't alienated, IMO.
It's hard to escape this type of mom. As the others said above, there is always a loyalty bind, and in my SS20's case, in addition to loving his mother, he's 100% financially dependent on her, so there's a lot of avoidance and head in the sand about seeing who she really is and cutting those ties.
Honestly, if you don't want anything to do with her, you don't need to have anything to do with her, that's totally your choice. But her behavior sounds pretty normal for an alienated kid.
I'm sure it is awkward for
I'm sure it is awkward for everybody involved. I can see why she would be nervous, and why you would be uncomfortable. Five years is a nice little stretch and everybody has to get to know each other again.
As for your anniversary, don't sweat that, it doesn't mean much to anybody except you and your DH.
As long as BM has influence over her, which may be always, it will be weird and awkward. And, annoying.
The Subtle Things
Here is the 'thing' about being a SM. What your SD - and your DH are doing looks like a minor distraction. But it's the little things like SD saying she is nervous because your two daughters are inside. And DH bringing in the flowers when SD isn't present. These 'little' comments or actions build upon themselves with every visit and tend to magnify. They are so subtle that if you bring this to the attention of another person, one who is not a step parent, they would think you were petty and say, "Just ignore it." You have to put a stop to it now.
This is how the problems started with my SD and DH. SD would act 'put off' or sad or said I made her 'uncomfortable' for no logical reason but DH gave me the impression he believed SD. DH didn't want SD to feel uncomfortable so he withheld any affection for me in front of her. What I SHOULD have done is called them out in front of one-another. Instead of letting it go I should have asked SD, in front of DH, " What am I doing to make you feel uncomfortable?" I should have mentioned to SD, in front of DH how wonderful it is that her Father gives me so much affection.
For example: In a very 'sweet' way in front of your DDs and DH, say to SD "I don't want you to feel scared here. We want you to feel comfortable." To SD in front of DH, "Look at the beautiful flowers your Father brought to me just before you arrived!" Try to make sure you have 'witnesses' as much as possible so SD and DH cannot 'normalize' irrational or illogical behavior.
I exact same way about my
I feel exact same way about my SD12, it's uncanny reading your post because I really do feel exactly the same way. there is just this general anxiety and discomfort that I feel whenever her name is mentioned. my husband acts as though if we just wait a little bit longer until she's a little bit older she will be out from under BM's thumb and the relationship will be able to improve. he has been holding out on this hope for years and all I've seen is a relationship become more distant and more awkward.
He tries very hard to stay in contact with SD and at first it was BM preventing him from talking to her or seeing her. Now that she's a little bit older I'm pretty sure that it is SD herself choosing to ignore us. she is always very polite and always says that she misses us but also says that she's very busy and that her schedule is very crowded. It takes weeks to reply to messages that we send her. She's 12 and she does after school activities oh, I know for a fact she has her phone on her at least part of the day everyday. It makes me so angry when she sends everyone in my DH's family exact same canned response "sorry it took me so long to respond I miss you but my schedule is very crowded." Seriously several of us from DH's family were sitting together we all got the same message. she does respond a little bit more to her father's messages but still very rarely and not a full conversation. I have my suspicions that BM has blocked all of our numbers and will take SD phone and reply once in awhile just to keep up appearances.
SInce past behavior is the
SInce past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior I believe that you are wise to be wary. It would be a good thing to point this out to DH as well. He needs to be prepared for relapse.
While you are pointing out the past behavior relationship to future behavior I would go ahead and point out how his own behavior changes as his toxic daughter re-injects herself back into his life, your marriage, your life and the lives of your own daughters.
IMHO he needs to understand clearly that neither her behavior nor his will go unconfronted if it adversely impacts the lives of anyone else in the blended family so it would behoove him to keep her and himself under very tight control.
Just my thoughts of course.