When adult step children and grandchildren visit
My husband and I have been married a little over a year. His daughter and her family live several states away and come to visit twice a year. Her visits had gotten longer and longer but my husband and I agreed they had to be limited as she's not a very pleasant house guest and doesn't respond to requests by either of us to pick up after herself and the children. She yells at the kids and spends lots of time on her phone either playing games or watching unsuitable videos at a loud volume. The next visit coming up was supposed to be about a week with clear limits. I happened to find out that it's now changed to almost twice as long with no break in between to visit other family. They are instead coming here. So double the amount of people (some I've never even met as they are his late wife's family) and double the time. I'm an introvert and have almost lost my mind on previous visits. My husband desperately wants to spend time with his grandchildren and I understand that. But how do I make him understand how this makes me feel? I'm responsible for meals and cleanup. He tells me not to worry about food but when meal times roll around, heads swivel in my direction. So I have to plan, shop, cook and clean. I try not to feel annoyed or put upon because I want him to enjoy his grands. I hate dreading the visits but I can't help it. Our house (same one he shared with late wife) is destroyed daily even though she has a dedicated space to be in and I feel myself getting resentful and anxious. I want to build a relationship with this girl but she makes it almost impossible. I work from home a lot and have no private office space. So I find myself staying away just to avoid the unpleasantness. Do I just chin up and deal with it? He's tried to talk to her but it's no use.
I agree! Go somewhere for a
I agree! Go somewhere for a week or two. She needs to visit her dad, and you need to visit your friend, or family or whatever. See this as an opportunity. Lock up your things and go.
If the place is a mess when you get back, hire a cleaning service. Call it "spring cleaning". Have DH pay.
I find the more time I make DH spend alone with his sons, the less he feels the "need" to be with them so much., lol!
I bet if you make it YOUR tradition to leave, your DH will shorten their visits (plus he'll appreciate you more).
This is a new concept to me too, btw, but I just skipped out of my obligatory visit to the inlaws cabin in the snow. Sent my DH and the SKIDS. I bet you anything he comes back early. It's not so fun when there's no buffer between them.
LikeMinded you are so right
LikeMinded you are so right on. It may be a new concept to you, but you are catching on way before I did.
He to,d you not to worry
He to,d you not to worry about food. So don't. Heads swivel in your direction? Look at him.
I would actually talk to him about this. HE changed the plan. HE needs to shop and clean and cook. This is not what you agreed to.
I get you want to build a relationship with her, but she seems to be pretty clear that she's not interested, so please don't stress yourself out by trying to force it.
I would also tell him that his "I tried and it's no use" is an excuse and if he doesn't make sure the behavior in your home is better he will have to see his grandkids by going to visit them.
And yes, weeping and gnashing of teeth will probably happen on all sides, but if you keep giving in and letting them all, including your husband, do this, it will just get worse every visit.
Very true, and the
Very true, and the bouundaries need to be set NOW, before you realize, 5 years from now (like me), that you've been everyone's slave... and why? You didn't marry his kids, they are not your kids, and you don't owe them anything.
Grownup kids seem to take advantage of bio parents and step parents alike. It's nothing personal--but this is not your responsibility.
Before they arrive take DH to
Before they arrive take DH to the grocery store.
Buy 3 or 4 boxes of breakfast cereal and a pack of plastic bowls and spoons. Line up cereal on the counter each morning. Adults self serve. SD can serve her kids.
Buy lunch meat, bread, and paper plates. Follow breakfast procedure.
Dinner - you may want to be the gracious hostess and cook a meal or two - or not. Otherwise, takeout. Get prepared with menus from local places. Let DH call it in, pick it up, and pay for it.
Make yourself busy with friends while they are here. You can be gone a large portion of the day. Go to a movie alone if you want. SD needs to know no more than you have other plans. Or go out of town for a few days.
Stress to your DH that you are giving him time alone with his child. Doesn't every child (parent) need that?
Oh that's awesome... how do I
Oh that's awesome... how do I bookmark this, lol!
I would be honest with dh and
I would be honest with dh and tell him how you really feel...tell him it is just too much for you to handle (he is your husband and needs to respect where you are at on this, because it effects your quality of life also) ..discuss other options for her to stay someplace else...sounds like you need to establish healthy boundaries. for yourself and your marriage. staying in your private home is a privilege...not a right...especially if she us as bad of a houseguest as you describe...do not set the precedent that this is an ok situation when it is clearly not..you may need a neutral third party to help you navigate through this...try considering other options...like she and her children stay in a hotel...or if there is a recreational place to go and stay...you could all meet there and play...do not pick up the tab or she will always expect you to pay her way...she is an adult now and should be funding her own vacation anyway...that is not your responsibility to provide her a place to stay and food...or tell her she can stay only for the weekend portion of her visit (make sure it at the tail end of her stay, otherwise she could pull a fake emergency...don't have another choice type of head game, and not leave once she gets there... and she will have to make arrangements someplace else...whatever works for you...but tell her early on the game so she can make other arrangements.
Why do parents have such a hard time with saying "That is not going to work for me, but, here is option one, two, or three...that does work for me...if the stuff hits the fan because you said no....then that is her issue...not yours...If she ignores your boundaries...then that is YOUR issue...but you need to decide with your dh what is realistic for you both...so you are both in agreement when informing her.
Sometimes it is hard to be strong and stand up for yourself...the "fear" your dh feels is real...but cowering to it to get to see the grandkids, only strengthens the power of it to become a tool of manipulation...Once you face your fear...and stand for what you believe in...sure, you may face some grief, or "backlash"...but in the end...you did not abandon yourself...and you did not let her consume your personhood....No one will stand up for you if you do not stand up for yourself...
In the end....she will either leave, or learn to respect you...Any other option is not worthy to be considered imho...peace.
I like all of the advice
I like all of the advice you've gotten, lol.
You said that you and your husband have agreed that her visits should be 'limited'? Possibly remind him of this, and explain that although you understand that he needs time with his children, you are making other arrangements. Stay the first a couple of days and then take off on your own vacation. Let dear old Daddy take care of his family. This includes the cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. The hope is that he'll become overwhelmed enough that perhaps future visits will be a lot shorter, or maybe his family can stay in a hotel next go round.
If all else fails, make it so
If all else fails, make it so that your step D no longer WANTS to visit.
My MIL does this to me:
Give the kids candy all day, and when they're nice and hyper, go out shopping and leave them with mom, LOL!
Let them watch "Goosebumps", which is for kids, but kinda scary, so that they bug her all night long,..
Give them annoying toys, such as loud drum sets and nerf guns.
Encourage them to do annoying things like jump on her bed or empty their suitcases over and over, looking for that missing item.
Put them outside with finger paint... but oops, it doesn't wash off the clothes.
Cook only kid-centered crap, Mac N Cheese and gross fish sticks, for everyone, parents too.
Find some really wierd kids in the neighborhood and have them come over and play every day.
Keep asking the kids: "who's your favorite Grandma?" when you dole out Skiddles.
YOU become Peter Pan, YOU get to be to favorite grandma and SHE has to go into bad cop mode, your DH thinks you're spoiling his grandkids. Your step daughter can't really hold anything against you, cause you're just doing things out of "luv" and you're not being manipulative, just "clueless".
Don't all grandma's get to spoil the kids?
Trust me, the visits will get shorter and shorter.
^^^LOVE THIS!!!^^^ LOL LOL
^^^LOVE THIS!!!^^^ LOL LOL But in all seriousness, I would have a big heart-to-heart with DH and have him arrange for ALL of them to stay at a hotel. This business of inviting the ex's relatives is a bunch of bull. Would be a deal breaker for me.
OMigod that is awesome!
OMigod that is awesome!
She's invited his late wife's
She's invited his late wife's family to come stay at your home? ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE.
Not because of any jealousy over them being the late wife's family - but you do not bring ANY strangers along on a visit where you are staying in someone's home.
I've extended invitations in the past to friends where they asked if they could bring another friend along - my answer was always a polite no that won't work for me. I was in a popular tourist area and was only willing to host people that I knew. I had a small place and was not running a B&B.
A backbone and a new house.
A backbone and a new house.
Combine the cereal/sandwich
Combine the cereal/sandwich and be "busy" advice. Definitely have DH pay for a cleaning service after the visit. Go to a movie or spa day,etc. on DH'S dime daily during the visit.
Then I would talk with DH after SD is gone. He will be able to relate to her rudeness/sloppiness. Let him know that this was the last time people stay in your home unless you both invite them.
I'm thinking bedbugs. Sudden
I'm thinking bedbugs. Sudden infestation of bedbugs. AND your girlfriend brought over her grandkid to visit and she just called since gkid has head lice.
You are a genius!
You are a genius!
Y'all are all so awesome!! I
Y'all are all so awesome!! I have been looking for some place to talk to people going through some of the same things. I don't like to talk to family or friends much about the frustrations because I don't want to be a complainer or cast my family (and whether I like it or not, she's my family) in a negative light to them. Although being around her for any length of time people can see how she is! She's 30 now and my husband and I both know she's probably not going to change much. It's so frustrating because she was not raised that way. Her brother is the exact opposite and a very pleasant person to be around. She can be when she chooses. Which isn't often. My daughter and grands live right here in town and I get to see them often. We have them over a lot but they are a pleasure to entertain because they have respect for others. They keep their kids in line and don't expect to be waited on hand and foot. I keep trying to put myself in his place and be understanding. But y'all are right. I need to get some backbone and tell him how I feel. Two months after we were married she was here for 3 weeks over Christmas and I thought I would lose my mind. She would cook breakfast for herself and the kids and then just walk out of the kitchen leaving a huge mess. If I asked her to do anything she would look up from her phone, say ok and then never move. By the last few days, I told my husband I wouldn't come home during the day until after he got home or else I was going to put them on the curb with their bags. So the next visit my husband and I limited them to two long weekends here with a visit to other family during the week. That was far more bearable. Now it feels we are going backward. He does go and visit them twice a year but only stays a few days at a time because he can't stand more than that due to the state of their home.
To clarify, DH did ask me if his late wife's family could visit. But what am I going to say? If I say no, then I'm the bad guy. Or at least I feel that way.
I have got to find a way to talk about it before she buys her plane tickets. I don't think I'm very graceful in talking about difficult subjects. I want to be nice about it but also firm. Y'all are right - if I don't put these limits in place, then everyone will think I'm ok with the status quo. And I'm not! He had fallen into a routine with her after his wife passed (his late wife never had to experience visits like this because she passed away just a few days after their first grandchild was born) where he would just endure the visits so he got to spend time with the grandchildren. She has a temper that can be frightening and he was afraid she would cut him off from them. He knows it isn't right but feels stuck. He does talk to her about how she is in his home (and even in hers) and even though she's pitched a fit, she has made some very small changes. But not enough for me to not completely dread this next visit.
I'm going to write everything down so I'm clear when we have our talk. And I'm going to ask him to take time off work so I'm not left alone with her. I know I would never expect that of him or put him in that position. I've been too accepting of things and just went along with things so I didn't rock the boat. Well not any more!
If anyone has advice on talking to people about difficult subjects, please let me know!! I'll imagine it in my mind how I want to do it but when it's time to open my mouth I either chicken out or it doesn't come out the way I intended.
Get a 'Nanny Cam' and play it
Get a 'Nanny Cam' and play it back to DH when SD is not there. Then tell him he needs to do something or you will. His choice. Also tell him that you have a right as his wife not to be entertaining his ex-wife's relatives. If DH still insists on placing your needs on the back burner, take off to a spa when they are all there and have a wonderful time OR claim sickness and go over to one of your friends or relatives to be taken care of while he entertains them.
He knows it's a problem. And
He knows it's a problem. And readily admits it. But how to fix it is the problem. And to clarify, his first wife passed away very suddenly 4.5 years ago. I try to be cognizant of that and step carefully where everyone's feelings are involved. But I'm afraid I've done that to the point that I've put mine on the back burner. My husband is a fair minded person so I know when I tell him how I feel he will consider that. Being gone at least part of the time is very appealing!!
I don't know how much time
I don't know how much time you have...but, the book called the lasting promise...is excellent for learning how to communicate through tough subjects...It isn't the issues that derail a lot of relationships...It is your ability to navigate through the issues successfully...that is why I recommended a third party neutral (counselor)...if your time is short...a fresh perspective will help...peace
They are coming April 1st.
They are coming April 1st. Jokes on me I guess. You're correct. It's not the issue, but how to navigate it. We all have issues of one kind or another. I was in counseling for several years before we married. My last few visits were about exactly this kind of thing. But I still struggle with it so thank you for the book suggestion. I will check it out ASAP!
The first big red flag I see
The first big red flag I see is that you live in the house your husband shared with his late wife. WHY?????? There's a huge problem there for you because at one point in time that was your Skids house. The other thing that bothers me is you did not mention your husband helping you cook or clean??? I surely hope he does help you and that you just left that part out. Marriage is 100% = 100%.
Your Skid just sounds like a lazy slob who acts just like every other person under the age of 30. You need to lay down the law with your husband that these are his kids and his responsibility to be the cook and cleaner and enforcer of rules while his family is there.
I would also ask them to get an effing hotel room from now on!
He and his late wife built
He and his late wife built this only a year and a half before she passed. So none of the kids ever lived here. They were both grown and gone. It was the best decision for us to live here for many reasons and I've done many things to make it "ours" and not "theirs". But daddy is still here so I think that's why she feels like she can be as sloppy here as in her own home. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't stay so long or be as badly behaved if the situation had been reversed and he had moved int my home. Or we had a new home together.
He does help me cook and clean. But I'm a planner and like to have my ducks in a row. He's never had the responsibility of planning and preparing meals for guests that I'm aware of. I'm not sure what they did for meals when she would visit after her mom passed. I suspect there was lots of takeout and frozen pizza consumed. Which is fine but now there are more people involved in this visit. I just feel like I'm losing control of my home. Which is my problem but it's how I feel.
We've discussed the hotel option before but are trying other options first. After the first disastrous visit Christmas of 2014, just after we were married, we set the time limits of the visit and laid down some house rules that were followed somewhat. But her husband was with her on the second visit and she would basically make him do everything. It was still very difficult for me to tolerate. They were here for two long weekends in a row. This time we're back up to 12 days with no husband along to do her bidding.
It's just a very frustrating situation. She has told me and her family that she likes me. Which is nice and all but I'd like to like her, too! And I can't like her when she behaves as she has in the past. I've been told that she's been the way she is since she was a young girl. No amount of discipline made a difference. So I'm going to lay out all my concerns to my husband tonight. I'll let y'all know how it goes.
Ok that makes more sense
Ok that makes more sense about the house. I have the same problems with the oldest SD. She's a slob and we have to clean up after her when she would visit. She would leave pop cans, napkins, plates, anything she used, wherever she used it. If she drank a beer she would leave the empty bottle on the end of the bar and accumulate a whole bunch of them. She would also do her laundry and set the washer and dryer to the longest and slowest settings, taking her 6 hours to do 2 loads of clothes. She would also leave soap in the cap and put it back on the bottle. That made me want to kill her regularly. One time she even took one of my Rubbermaid bowls outside for her dog to drink out of while she was laying out in our back yard and her dog chewed it up and she left it outside. I nearly had a meltdown. That was one of the last times she did laundry or laid out at our house. She was not raised there.
Happily they are no longer welcome in our home so I don't have to deal with this ever again. But I do understand how frustrating it is.
I don't get it with these
I don't get it with these adult children. My opinion is you can do what you want in your own home. But don't for one second think you can be rude and disrespectful in our home! I just hate it for my husband. He hates how she is but still loves her. And wants to be with his grandchildren. I can totally relate to just leaving things where they landed and making a general mess. She was here for five weeks a few months before we married and it drove me insane. And I didn't even live here at that point! I could hardly stand to come over in the evenings. The house was wrecked with her and the kids things from one end of the house to the other. And this is a big house. One time she had been shopping and left her bags strewn across the counter with a new bra just laying right out of the bag. On the kitchen counter for gods sake - and she's a big girl so it was a giant bra! I could go on and on. I told my husband as soon as the kids are old enough, they visit without parents. End of story.
I know that it is not easy at
I know that it is not easy at all - but sometimes one just has to deal with these cretins as if they were 6 year old neighborhood children. In other words - just calmly state "You need to do x now."
I used to have lots of neighborhood children who loved to come to my home. I swear I sometimes would get out of the shower and have to make sure I was dressed as I never knew who might be in my home - no locked doors in that neighborhood.
But I did not put up with misbehaving children. And guess what - these kids all adored me - even though I made them "act right".
Hey all. Been a while since
Hey all. Been a while since I posted. Got some more info. The visit isn't as long as I originally thought. They are staying 8 days. But after much thought and prayer, I've decided to take him up on the offer of a break for me in the middle of the visit and take off for a few days. It's been a relief on my part, and most likely on his, too. As someone said above, this will put all the responsibility on him to handle everything. He has in the past so that's not too much of a stretch for him. But seeing it in the light of "our home" and not just his home might put a different spin on things. It will also give him time with his family without the added pressure of worrying about me. I do need a backbone. I've gone back to see my counselor and have some regular visits scheduled. I need to work on speaking up when something bothers me and not waiting for some perfect opportunity to speak my mind. And then learning to be quiet after I've said my piece! I'm still looking forward to the day when they send the kids on their own or bring the kids and then take off on their own vacation. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my break and plan a relaxing vacation!
Good for you Sunnysue! That
Good for you Sunnysue! That seems like a good compromise. You get to leave for a bit, but you're not letting go of your territory completely. I'd love an update on how it goes.
I will definitely let you
I will definitely let you know! By the way, how did that visit go for your husband to his parent's cabin?
Hi all. Well, the clock is
Hi all. Well, the clock is ticking and the time has almost arrived for the visit. Just wanted some advice on dealing with some specific situations that I know will come up. One of my biggest pet peeves is the way discipline is handled. This issue has occurred several times in the past and I know will come up again. When we are at the table having dinner and a child acts up, rather than taking them from the room and dealing quietly with them, SD will yell at the kids and either take away whatever she thinks is the problem or just say "too bad" and let them cry and wail while she continues to eat. Very uncomfortable for everyone else but she will seem unfazed. Same if we are all together in a room - just lets them cry and carry on. The only thing I can think to do is excuse myself from the scene to minimize my discomfort. My daughter is the complete opposite when that happens - she takes them to a room away from everyone and quietly deals with it and settles the kids down before returning to the table or the room. Not saying she's perfect at all - just that she handles things in a more mature way. I can't fix my SD but I have to protect my sanity. Any ideas?
I've also put all the toys upstairs in the fabulous play area we had finished for all the grands. Last two visits I could not seem to get SD to see the value in keeping at least one area of the house somewhat in order. So I figured if all the toys are up there then they may want to stay up there at least part of the time. She is very disorganized and sloppy and her stuff would just end up everywhere. If I gathered it up and put it on the steps, she just walked right past it. I even put it upstairs in her area where it sat until time to pack her bags to leave.
On the plus side, I'm going away in the middle of it for two glorious nights in a hotel by myself!!
You seem to be handling it
You seem to be handling it well. If you try to discipline the skids it will only be worse for you. Is DH willing to help in some way? Or is he oblivious as many DH are? DH needs to take part in ensuring a pleasant eating environment for everyone - and he needs to show the skids where to play.
Who knows, he may see it for himself when he is alone with the for the two nights you are away. Good for you!
He knows there are issues.
He knows there are issues. The only explanation for him not doing something about it is his fear she will erupt (she has in the past) and perhaps refuse to come visit again. To her credit, she has seemed to make some baby steps in some areas of improving her life but I know this particular thing will happen. But you have given me an idea to talk to him about this specific area ahead of time and agree on how HE/WE will handle it. I suppose if one of them is screaming and she does nothing then I could take that child out with me just to at least give an example of how to handle those situations to her. Let them sit quietly until they are back in control and can rejoin the group. Or he could speak to her directly and tell her what he expects. I feel like boundaries were never set when it came to visits with grandchildren (his first wife passed just days after their first grandchild was born) so things have just been allowed to happen. I definitely don't discipline the kids but I do speak up if one of them is doing something not allowed in our home like something destructive or dangerous.
Well I've wanted to point it
Well I've wanted to point it out numerous times!! But I would be the evil SM. So we will be having this discussion prior to their arrival. I don't get adults who are so clueless to the fact that their behavior, or their children's behavior, makes people cringe to see them coming. She doesn't reserve her bad behavior for our home - everyone gets a dose of it wherever she goes. It has been pointed out to her before about her own behavior but I'm not sure anyone's said anything about how she handles this particular part of discipline.