SD 15 can't be gone soon enough
I am enganged to a mand with a daughter 15 and son 23. I have a daughter 18 and a son 15. Last night just took the cake for me. My SO and I have been working hard toovercome the "blended family issues". BM is toxic and SD is constantly helping BM to interfere in our lives. Last night SD refuses to come to my home so she calls her dad to tell him how she made plans for then for Thanksgiving. SD planned for her, her father, her best friend, and her best friends mom to spend Thanksgiving together without me and my children. That just truly takes the cake with how SD is causing problems for us. This is SD's way fo telling me and my children that we will never be a family. My SO refused the plans because he is working but does not see how cruel and mean that suggestion was. Then he gets mad that we do not make SD more comfortable in my home. SD is not comfortable because of the fact that we do not kiss her ass and stop everything when she is there and ,ake her the center of attention. I told my SO that SD was fine up until the point where we were busy one night and SD showeed up and got mad because we did not stop what we were doing to fawn over her. I am so sick of SD blaming everyone except herself for her own actions. SD refuses to participate in any family activities(even in her own home). SD is just an ughly and mean personality and constantly makes people hate her. SD has sucessfully alienated more than 2 different high schools almost an entire city and town. People that have never met her know who she is due to her racially prejudice social media activities and is not welcome in most areas due to her racist comments. SD has made it to the point that I hate even being in the same room as her due to her disrepectful attitude and cruelity. She is jealous mean and spiteful. It is becoming a major road block in my relationship with my SO and it is just going way too far. I am so tired of being anywhere even near SD. SD knows exactly what she is doing and continues to act this way more openly and more cruel as each day passes.
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Your husband had a hand in
Your husband had a hand in raising this lovely young lady.. her views are very likely those picked up in part from him.
Generally the apple does not fall far from the tree. You can try to blame it all on BM.. but then again.. your DH did have a relationship with her.. so he most likely shared her POV on many things.
Your SO doesn't seem bothered.. maybe because he agrees with her POV?
First, what I find mind
First, what I find mind boggling is how a 15 year old is “making plans” for a holiday? Secondly, how does your SO even think it’s remotely ok to have Thanksgiving with the best friend and the BF’s mom? Where are you & yours in all this? Does he not see something wrong here?
Your issue here is your SO who is not shutting down his daughters disrespectful behavior. You can dislike her all you want but he’s allowing her to get away with this nonsense. I’d have a conversation with SO and reconsider marrying him if he can’t parent effectively. Your issue is with him. A 15 year old child does not get to dictate “plans” for the holidays. Sure you can ask for her input or thoughts but that’s it. She doesn’t get the option to run shit in the house.
That's my point. I am so
That's my point. I am so sick of Sd acting this way and my SO just allowing it. Just 2 nights ago I listened to her threaten to kick her dad's a$$ if he ever tried to spank her because he has no right to ever correct her. Yet again he called me today saying that me and my children needed to make his daughter feel more comfortable. We treated her as family until she started her false accusations. We will not drop everything and make her the center of attention. We are busy people with things that need done. I'm just so tired of the whole situation. If they are not happy with being accepted and us having our own lives to live I'm ready to just walk away. It is all just so frustrating. And this is after we agreed that it was best if SD just did not speak to us at all due to all her dramatics and lies. I told him today that if he allows his daughter to disrespect him that way how can he every expect my children to respect him after watching that comtinue to happen repeatedly.
your response...
You SO is delusional and trying to deflect the blame for his daughters issues. Please reconsider this relationship. This will not improve as she ages. If you think a 15 year old is bad, just wait until she's over 18. She will be in your house, rearranging your kitchen, and your SO is going to tell you that you should let her do it so she's more comfortable there.
If he thinks spanking a 15 yo
If he thinks spanking a 15 yo is what needs to happen.. no wonder she is a mess. At 15 she is way beyond the point where a tap on the bottom is going to be effective or advisable.
It sounds like there is a lot of oil/water going on in your home.. it sounds like your SO is not a great parent.. has unrealistic expectations.. and between the lines, you do seem a bit rigid in doing your own thing and expecting SD to toe the line.
So, your SD is basically
So, your SD is basically trying to set her dad up with her best friend's mom, and your SO sees nothing wrong with this? Okay.
What makes you think SD will ever be gone? Is your SO willing to completely write her off when she's of age?
Yes, SO is willing to write
Yes, SO is willing to write her off after she graduates from high school. He had the same problems with his son and did it with his son when he graduated from high school
So 3 to 3 1/2 more years of
So 3 to 3 1/2 more years of this (at least)?
Yes, as long as I don't live
Yes, as long as I don't live with her I can handle it. It's just so frustrating right now. I've disengaged but thia behavior still has my SO so upset and hurt. Something has to give.
What did DH do?
Did he parent her. Saying no. Thanksgiving is going to be at *******
She is expected to be there Along with his family including his wife and her kids
or did he do the chicken?
Oh he said no but then he
Oh he said no but then he allows her to lock herself up in her room alone for the day because she did not get her way. Then she cries about how much we neglect her. She excludes herself. I told SO about this and he said her mother taught her to be that way. She never tells the truth and he just lets it go. I'm tired ofit and how SD expects us to kiss her a$$. If he is not willing to do something to change this I told him he must like her being his boss and I will walk away if this continues. So disgusted by the whole situation
He said no because he has to
He said no because he has to work... He should have said no because that is rude to exclude Gracefulsilver and her family.
What would have happened...
What would have happened if your fiance had not been working that night? If he would have considered going along with these plans, PLEASE do not marry him.
Something like this would be acceptable to me: "DD, even though I have to work, it is not ok for you to make plans for us. You are a kid; I'm the father. I am always happy to hear your preferences, but the final decision is up to me. Please stop making plans as if you are the parent, especially those that are intended to exclude my fiance."
I already did talk to
I already did talk to himabout this issue. He claims he told her about it but I know he didn't because I was there and saw him keep his mouth shut. I am watching him run scared of his own daughter and I am sick of it. He told me if she cannot support herself after high school she will have to go move back in with her BM. He told his son that when he graduated from high school and stuck to it to this day. I just am getting to the point I can'teven stand being in the same room as her and I am really loosing my respect for him quickly. It's just a sad situation
You can date him...
But please don't marry him. If you aren't ready to end the relationship (and we've all been there), that's ok. But do not further tie yourself to him legally or financially. She isn't going anywhere. And while your SO might have told his son that he was on his own, it's sometimes different with daughters, especially this kind of daughter....
Thats kind of where we drew
Thats kind of where we drew the relationship back to. Dating but we still have the desire to get married one day. Not anytime I would have to live under the same roof as SD. I am just begining to wane on the desire to spend the rest of my life with him.
Run for the hills!!! I
Run for the hills!!! I married into it thinking it would get better and it doesn't! If they are ok with how SD is now they will always coddle her and make excuses for her. I truly wish I wouldn't have done this to myself. Think long and hard before entering into this marriage.
Look, steplife is hard. It's
Look, steplife is hard. It's hard when you have a level headed, clear eyed partner who parents well. But this? This man is delusional about his daughter. Please don't marry or live with him until after she's fully launched.
He knows she has issues, he's
He knows she has issues, he's willing to cut her off after she graduates, so I don't think he's delusional, so much as he just doesn't want to deal with her. He doesn't want to spend any time or energy parenting her and correcting her behavior, so he just lets her disrespect himself and everybody else. I would have a hard time watching that, much less being a part of it.
to me it seems as if he is
to me it seems as if he is emotionally overwhelmed by her. We have talked and made a plan of action but then she cries the vistim. Then we talk again and he remebers the boundaries. He is a bit learning disabled but a very intelligent man and doe snot reqquire any help living on his own and controling his own finances. I am disabled and cannot walk without a can. We both work full-time. I do see the pattern of him being scared of dealing with emotions. His father was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I love him but I'm getting to the point of thinking love is not enough
It's easy to get overwhelmed
It's easy to get overwhelmed by teenagers!
Do you think he is afraid of going too far and becoming emotionally abusive, like his father?
This girl is not going to be ready for the real world if nobody teaches her how to be.
Yes, he is very afraid of
Yes, he is very afraid of winding up like his father. Also he does try to actively parent her then shuts down and can't respond anymore, then parents gain. It's after we talk and remain with the boundaries but find more ways to apply them effectively that he gets back to speaking up. It's as if he feels he can't be assertive unless he knows I agree with his actions and support him emotionally.
Also he does try to actively
Also he does try to actively parent her then shuts down and can't respond anymore
I absolutely understand that, I am there right now with my teenage niece (who I shouldn't have to be parenting but her mother is useless, so there ya go). I want to do right by her but she makes it so hard, sometimes.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It's sad to think you might have to end an otherwise good relationship over something like this.
My DH couldn't out parent the bad role model of my SD's BM, either, but I didn't (and don't) suffer the fallout from that, like you are.
love is not enough if he
love is not enough if he cannot be the parent and adult in his own home.. you don't need the fallout.
Do not expect her to magially change/go away at 18. RUN
Not to be dramatic regarding the RUN. However, if you and your future DH do not sit down now, make boundaries, communicate these to the child and continue to work together then this will never change. Oh, and with modern attitudes, your SD15 may end up as SD 25 at your home.
If he is the love of your life, talk and seek couples counseling. Otherwise ... OR if he will not reach an agreement and actions with you ... maybe you need to consider ending this relationship.
JUST RUNNN!!!
Lazy-assed parenting HAS NO CURE!! Especially at THIS age!
At this point I'm trying to
At this point I'm trying to get him to understand there is no changing her. He is holding on so hard to the hope of helping get back on track. The fact is her mother is mentally disabled and used her only for an increase in welfare benefits. That woman allowed SD to run wild with gang members and other bad influences as long as she got the extra oney. The BM also sucessfully shut my SO out of the childs daily life. So he never got a chance to truly bond with his daughter. SD is now threatening to move out, we both say fine but don't cry about it anymore because you choose your situation. SO says go ahead will pay child support if you go back to your mom. He says I did it before, I'll do it again. He wanted thee opportunity to give his daughter a better life but BM has already ruined the chance and keeps sabotaging her own daughter
You do need to stop trying to
You do need to stop trying to convince him that she is a lost cause.. The more you try to point out her flaws and get him to dislike her.. the more he will cling to wanting to save her.
And.. people CAN change.. she is in a very self centered time of her life.. she absolutely could become a better person with his help.
BUT... BUT... he isn't doing her favors by entertaining her ideas. She is banishing you from the home? HAHAHA.. really.. he let that go with her? What did he say? I hope he said. "You are under the mistaken impression that this is a democracy... I am the adult in the home.. and this is my home YOU live here under MY rules. You don't have the power or the right to ban anyone.
And thanksgiving plans.. if he isn't going to be available for that day.. he should tell her that she can have thanksgiving with her friend.. but that HE will not be attending.. and if he does attend any TDAY meal.. his girlfriend will be his date.
That girl is just doing exactly as she wishes because it has been allowed... by both her parents.
I don't know why you want to be involved with someone with such poor executive decision making skills.
You must seriously consider not getting married now
First remember this is still the honeymoon period. Things only go downhill from now. You must Waite until there some type of handle on SD. It's does not seen he's really doing anything to straighten out SD now. So he not going to do anything in the future.
If you can not stand SD now ( we all see how that natural). How are you going to live with her 24/7 ? Do you really think He is going to send SD back to her BM. If he was going to do that, he would of all ready. SD is a lost cause, But he does not see that. She shows no respect for her BF or you.
I drew a hard line for this
I drew a hard line for this issue. I will ot live inthe same home or marry him as long as his daughter lives with him. He agreed and we are planning a future after kids move out. He asked my to keep our plans a secret from his daughter though. He said that she would flip out if she knew about them. He has sat his daughter down and told her how much he loves me and that she will not be able to stop him from being with me. That pissed her off even more.
'My SO refused the plans
'My SO refused the plans because he is working but does not see how cruel and mean that suggestion was.'
It never ceases to amaze me how many men are oblivious to spiteful and manipulative behaviour. They take everything at face value and fail to see the underlying meaning (And no, I'm not implying that all men are like this...but there do seem to be an awful lot of them out there).
Ye Olde
"benefit of the doubt"
(TM)
p.s. this skid will NOT magically launch nor will she magically mature. You have essentially a LIFETIME of misery ahead of you. Find a nice child-FREE man.
I try to not deal off the
I try to not deal off the bottom of the deck and go straight to “Mean Girl the living daylights out of her,” but it would be real tempting in this scenario.
We gain a step then loose 2
Last night we finally got a chance to really talk(he works midnights and I work days). He did not se the underlying meaning in SD's T-day plans but then after I asked him to think about it he realized what it meant. Right now SO is thinking of sending SD back to BM after then new year. that's about 1 1/2 months from now. SO told me last night that he loves me so much and that I make him a stronger better man by being by his side supporting him.
Also, last night SD started in on SO again about how she wants him to quit his job. He is so sick of her bs over work. SD has a cat that she insisted on bring from her mothers to live with her. This cat does not stop howling all day long(SO sleeps during the day because he works midnights). So has told SD repeatedly that the cat has to stop or go. SD then cries about how mean he is and how he just wants to be mean by getting rid of her cat. Then SD states that the problem can be fixed very easily if he would just quit his job. SD also cries and throws tempertantrums on a regular basis that SO's job takes him away from her and he need to quit so he can be at home with her at all times. Right now the option to sleep during the day at my home is available to him but how is that fair? It's feels like SD is running him out of his own home. It's already bad enough that SO dreads going home if SD is there. I personally say drop her off at BM's and don't look back.
How in the hell does she
How in the hell does she think he can just up and quit his job? What a lunatic.
Because that is what BM
Because that is what BM taught her. BM is not right in the head