SD life is at stake!!
SD15 is extremely obese and the Dr. just told my husband and BM that if she doesn't lose the weight she will be diabetic in a year. The problem has always been BM. We have her EOW but the rest of the time is with BM, who is primarily responsible for feeding her. BM has her signed up for so many activities that she never has time to cook at home. The girl has no friends even though she is in so many activities and her self esteem is suffering. This has been going on for a long long time, at least 5 years, and my husband is at his wits end! She hasn't made one change the doctor ordered. DH has mulled around the idea of having her move in with us, but he doesn't want to take her from her mother since it would probably cause a rift between he and his daughter, but we're all worried. I would be willing to let her live with us for the good of her health. We successfully raised my children and a little structure in her life would be the only thing that will save it. What should we do?
This is a very sad plight, indeed. Some states deem childhood
morbid obesity as child abuse, and actually will remove the children from the home.
Can you visit with her school counselor? A dietician?
Are you ready to take all of this on should you and DH gain full custody of her? Your entire marriage dynamic will change, and maybe not for the better.
I feel so sorry for this girl. No friends , though she's involved in activities? Is BM morbidly obese? Does she not understand her daugther's health, and ultimately her life are at risk here?
Please keep us updated.
They spoke to a dietitian and
They spoke to a dietitian and counselors. The problem is the BM can't say no to her. Even after BM herself has several health issues due to her obesity, it has not scared her straight.
If the problem is that BM
If the problem is that BM cannot say no to her (as opposed to BM doesn't have time to cook), you're going to have a tough row to hoe. I definitely agree that something needs to be done, but if your husband has her live with you and then starts saying no to the foods she wants, and has her on a diet when it's not what SHE wants, your household is going to be miserable. The SD has to be on board and she has to be willing to try to improve her eating habits and lose weight. Otherwise, not only will you have taken her from her mother, but you'll be taking something she enjoys away from her. My guess is that she'll need counseling, and a nutritionist, and an exercise program. She's 15 - you can't make her lose weight. You can provide her with healthy foods and keep unhealthy foods out of the home, but she's going to have to be willing to put in the work to lose the weight. I'm certainly not saying you shouldn't try and do everything you can, but you really need to think about supports that both you and she will need, and also what this is going to do to YOUR household.
BM Has Enabled Her DD & Taught Her To Go To Food For Comfort
and in some strange sick way, this may be how they "bond" through food. It's not that unusual. Something is driving her behavior, as something drives all behaviors. Food doesn't hate, criticize, ostracize, tell you anything negtive, and it feels good to eat something you like to eat.There's a "payoff" of sorts here. It's a comfort where she is lacking comfort and approval in other areas of her life. She's "feeding" the lonliness, the pain, the isolation etc.
Food and eating and always having food on hand can also be cultural. Some cultures believe that is a way of showing love, by feeding them. "The way through a man's heart is through his stomach." ex.
In this situation, the best thing would be to remove the child from the home. You need to petition the court for full custody and get her the medical and phsychological care she needs. Her life literally depends on it.
How obese are we talking?
How obese are we talking? What size clothes does she wear?
She's in the 99th percentile
She's in the 99th percentile for BMI. I would guess a size 16 but only 4 feet 10 inches tall. She also complains of daily headaches and being tired all the time and bloody noses.
Does she also have high blood
Does she also have high blood pressure?
I'm not sure about that.
I'm not sure about that. They didn't mention that at her visit to the dr yesterday
Well I don't know much about TYPE 2 diabetes
But my step daughter is a type 1 diabetic and it's hard taking care of a teen with diabetes. Really, Really hard.
And the consquences of not managing diabetes is nothing to joke about. Mine is only 18 and dialysis has already been bantered around by her doctors.
If BM won't do anything about her weight, I would not be so sure that she would do anything about her diabetes either. It's constantly managing blood sugars and giving insulin both long acting and short acting and she thinks she feels bad now.. wait until you have really high and really low blood sugars to contend with.
Also my SD has been hospitalized three times this year alone. So that's three massive hospital bills to pay. I dont even want to tell you what it costs for her DEXCOM and her pump and her monthly supplies and that's with insurance.
Diabetes will take away your limbs and your eye sight. Someone needs to do something.
I dread to hear of such a
I dread to hear of such a horrific fate! Every time I look at her I'm just overwhelmed with sadness, disgust, anger.
Type 2 Diabetes
This condition can be reversed but only if everyone including her is on board with the change of lifestyle essential to achieve this and can be done without medication.
I have type 2 - however I’m in my 50’s but it scared the life out of me when I was diagnosed. My own condition is genetic and comes along with high blood pressure and high cholesterol (metabolic syndrome). I dealt with being overweight and totally changed my diet - next to no carbs, no sugar and take regular exercise. My blood sugar levels are now pre-diabetic and improving.
What this child can look forward to is a whole life of extremely poor quality health - prone to infections that take forever to get over, loss of sight due to changes at the back of the eyes, damage to blood supply - especially to the feet which can in extreme cases lead to amputations and so on. There is also the exhaustion and mild depression.
In the UK once diagnosed you are directed to a one day class which goes through all of the potential physical changes and gives strategies for dealing with the practical things you can do to self manage the condition. The child and her parents need something like this - esp the mother - she needs to feel the fear herself!
As another poster said in some places this would be considered abuse - it is. This child should be removed from her abuser and be given the chance to live a healthy and productive life.
I agree with this. I suggest
I agree with this. I suggest you read "The Blood Sugar Diet" by Michael Mosley - it has the information AND the scientific backing. There's also a website:
https://thebloodsugardiet.com/
I'm a bit sceptic about her mother signing her up for tons of activities. When you're badly overweight, few things will make you feel as bad as having to attempt to exercise with others who don't get why it's so hard for you. Seems like the best way to turn someone off of sport for life ... Start with the food (you don't have to go low calorie, just follow the principles because she's going to lose weight regardless) and draw in activities as things improve.
Good luck.
SD is 15. You can’t
SD is 15. You can’t effectively force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do and you risk her mental health if you try to force her into it. If you do get SD to buy into it though then she will want to improve her lifestyle at her mom’s too.
it isn’t an easy task, but working with sd in ways that she wants and at the pace she wants will be better rather than trying to scare her to loose weight.
I have known people who have lost lots of weight and they all did it at a time that they were ready to deal with it, not when others were pressuring them to do it.
Sometimes having good mental health is more important than having a good BMI.
Yes, this. OP, a change of
Yes, this. OP, a change of custody isn't going to change this, nor is it going to be easy to get. She's 15, the court will honor where she wants to live. And helping her with her weight won't be as simple as fixing healthy meals and not buying chips, she will need to get on board with it, and that will be very hard. At her age, if she doesn't buy in, nothing will change, because she can easily get junky food on her own.
And as this poster said, work on her mental health, because that's contributing to her obesity, most likely.
Type 2 diabetes is serious, but it's not the same as Type 1, and a bit easier to manage because you usually don't use insulin. Not that it isn't serious, but her life is not immediately at stake, either.
I'd have a lot of talks with her about her goals, and how she feels about her weight, and if she wants to make changes.
She has expressed an interest
She has expressed an interest in losing weight and even contemplated moving in with dad, but BM makes her feel guilty leaving her and she won't do it.
I'm sure you're right but it
I'm sure you're right but it is so unfair that BM had 15 years to mess up her kid and DH can't even try to fix this for the last 3. I'm sure we are all fighting a losing battle if SD15 doesn't get on board. It's just such a helpless feeling to watch her get worse and worse. I agree she needs mental help and I hope the parents make the effort to get her this help but I'm afraid this will not happen. I do believe if she loses the weight, her mental health will improve but it is a vicious cycle.
I hate to suggest this,
tbut what about weight loss surgery? There's extensive therapy and prep involved , where SD would basically be monitored and helped. I've worked in several hospitals (I'm not in the medical field I run offices in the financial arena) , and have seen many people's lives changed for the better by weight loss surgery. It's not a majic bullet, but it does work if you listen to what the experts tell you.
You don’t want a kid in your home
That doesn’t want to be there. It will destroy your marriage. If she doesn’t want to lose weight you can not force her. She will be stealing food at night. Getting exter food st school. BM will be sending food / money to her. You will be the one to lose in the end. You can not care more then her mother.
The girl didn't just get
The girl didn't just get obese overnight, this has been going on for years and your DH should have stepped in way back then and put a stop to it. The mother has a food addiction and has made her daughter an addict along with her. After all misery loves company.
Might I suggest watching my 600lb life as a welcome to what lies ahead for your SD in the coming years.
How sad. I feel so bad for
How sad. I feel so bad for her. I also watch my 600lb life and feel such great sadness for them-because it is almost 100pct of the time related/tied to some bad trauma in their life that causes this. So this could go back to bm and then bm helps raise her the same-but there has to be other deeper issues SD is choosing to not care about her health this way.
I have Type 2- and a lot of us are or were on insulin in the beginning to stabilize if it's too high. It can and is reversed though with DILIGENT work-hard for any adult, let alone a teen. I brought my A1C from a 10.8 to 5.8....but I can't really excercise like I want to since the broken leg (still have a non-union)...and with the things that went on at home w/my son I 'fell off the wagon' in the sense didn't watch my diet as dilligently as I used to.
It is hard- counseling 1st for her and then you can still encourage her from afar- get a book on nutrition for her-have her DAD to it I mean...get a dietician/nutritionist for her as well.
Back away at 100 miles an hour
pretty much the same scenario here except SD was never as fat as your stepdaughter. BM is enormous and eats shit, takeaways constantly. When we had the skids every other weekend we used to try and encourage healthy eating habits in SD. Unfortunately her bad habits were set in stone by BM. As I used to say to DH, trying to help reset those habits was like ‘pissing in the wind’. No point whatsoever. Don’t cause yourself the drama.
DH is failing as a father
DH is failing as a father because he does not have the balls to do what is best for his daughter. Not going after custody to address SD's health issues because he is afraid to upset his daughter for taking her away from her abusive/neglectful mother and that she won't like him is just cowardly ball-lessnes.
Time for daddy to get his daughter, get her in a medically managed weight loss program, summers in fat camp, send her to Military School, whatever it takes to protect SD's health. Once she launches she can choose to be fat or not. Until she reaches majority DH needs to do whatever is necessary to protect his daughter and to ensure her health.
If SD gets pissed at her dad... so be it.
IMHO of course.