Getting Rid Of BM's Traumatic Training - How To Teach A Pavlovian Dog New Tricks
My relationship with DH is 5 years in the making and we have weathered quite a few obstacles already. The blended family road has been cleared to an extent, but DH still behaves reactively to a particular issue that was exacerbated during his years with BM. Any statement or behavior that DH perceives is demeaning triggers "rage." It's not normal anger, it's sudden and explosive. These reactions are very much at odds with DH's normal, calm and confident behavior.
During his time with BM, DH experienced daily doses of passive-aggressiveness peppered with condescending remarks. BM consistently demeaned his intelligence, efforts and character. I realize that DH allowed her to do this, but DH was the classic "enabler" to an alcoholic. He is not one to rock the boat and his intent was to please and appease an addict with NPD.
I understand the fragile wounds of NPD victims, but I cannot continue to tote this particular piece of baggage - it's too damn heavy! When these raging bursts occur, I feel like a tool for diffusing what is a deeply-ingrained, subconscious negative perception. DH is "hyper-sensitive" to anything he perceives is a negative evaluation, even when it's not.
Whatever feelings of hurt he experienced from BM are “transferred” to me - one too many times as far as I'm concerned. What adds salt to the wound is that this anger is never directed towards the appropriate individuals (namely BM and SD). I have never seen DH get angry at BM when she has tried to manipulate him or at SD when she decided to wear BM's shoes. In these instances, where BM or SD have clearly provoked him, DH becomes subdued and reacts pacifistically OR later vents frustration to me. To date, his most constructive effort to direct his anger productively was a letter to SD that told her he would not put up with her passive-aggressive behavior and disrespect. This mandate had to be delivered via mail because when DH has to confront BM or SD on the phone or in person, he cannot seem to muster up the confidence and clarity of thought. It's disgustingly Pavlovian.
DH and I got into fiery dispute over another "rage at the wrong person" situation last weekend again. I know DH is capable of change - I've seen it happen over the last 5 years. However, this anger is a sticky buggar and no doubt a difficult behavior to modify. Has anyone experienced the leftover traumas with their DH akin to this? Any tactical advice? DH is willing to get counseling, but I always appreciate the insights from this site. Thanks for your input.
Yep I have. Insist on
Yep I have. Insist on therapy until the rage problem is solved by your standards, not his. With my DH's therapy and process to unload the buttons installed by BM, I was a part of therapy at times. My purpose was to keep DH on track and hold him accountable to the therapist. My DH was a great rugsweeper and downplayer of things. We had joint sessons every so often and I did leave a few voice mails for the therapist if I thought things weren't being acknowledged by DH.
Its a process for sure, but its unfair for him to take out his rage at BM on you. Hold the boundary that he is not allowed to do that. When he starts it, shut it down. Walk away and do not stand there taking it, don't let him bait you into owning HIS problem/baggage. When he calms down you will be more then happy to engage but not when he's raging about BM..
A good therapist should be able to teach him anger control, put things into their proper prospective and getting him to see that he is in control of his life, not to be controlled by outside forces.
EDTA: I also knew my DH in high school and knew he wasn't like this before BM. That made it even harder to deal with when he erupted at me. I knew better and so did he. Its why therapy worked for him.
Same here
my XH was the same way. He would pile up all his anger And frustration at BM and the second I did or said anything that he perceived as negative toward him was met with an explosion of monumental proportions. It became more and more frequent and more and more hostile.
Now in my instance it was determined my XH has BPD.
Had I been as strong as I am now I would has insisted on counseling and therapy from early on instead of waiting until it was out of control.
Consequences - just like with
Consequences - just like with a dog or a small child the consequences of his being a raging ahole must outweigh the pleasure he gets from biting your head off.
And by consequences I don’t mean than you yell louder than he does. Getting into a big fight is not the least bit productive. He really wants you to argue with him. You need to find his currency.
The other thing of to do is to not go around walking on eggshells trying not to “provoke” him. His rage is a form of abuse. When he is just being an irrational ahole just walk away shaking your head. Go do something that makes you feel good. Leave the house is you want to.
Walking on solid ground...no eggshells for me
I absolutely won't do the walking on eggshells bit nor will I be provoked into retaliating in rage. To be raged at is the most godawful feeling - it's like being bombed with hate gas. When I was calm, I looked right at DH and said, "You will not abuse me the way you were abused. Get help for this and change the behavior. This is not what I want in a relationship. I will walk away and never look back." Yesterday, DH began looking for couseling/anger management help so he is taking action. I know he recognizes where the anger is coming from and wants to stop the negative outrages. I agreed to be patient with the progress. I'm willing to be supportive as long as I see change happening.
The emotional damage from his relationship with an addict-narcissist (BM) runs deep. Over these last 5 years much has already surfaced, but the unbridled rage is the worst behavior. I know many SMs weather the fallout from previous marriages - the emotional baggage, the awful SKIDS, the financial havoc, the relentless bitter BMs and so much more. I've been through divorce (22 years, same thing as DH - ex is an alcoholic), another decade long relationship with a very dysfunctional blended family and now this 5 year partnership/marriage. Over the last 2 decades, I've had to work on my own healing. I feel sadness/helplessness at times over what I know I cannot control.
I have empathy for DH and see how he struggles with the damage BM inflicted. It is truly akin to PTSD symptoms. I used to volunteer at a woman's shelter. At times, DH's subservient/fearful responses and defeated behavior towards BM and SD reminded me of the same energy I felt from the women there. Awful. I am hoping that counseling will give him greater insight and the tools to process the anger. I realize that healing from emotional trauma is a slow onion peel. He has disengaged completely from BM for a year now and SD for a couple of months. I'm calling them the Shingles Sisters - they're like a latent virus that becomes symptomatic under stress.
Thanks for the feedback. I was having a couple of real tough days there.
Yes, I get what you're saying
Yes, I get what you're saying. NPD BM is a very high conflict person, and although my DH is not, he can respond in quite a nasty attacking way in arguments, which is what he used to do with her. We addressed it in counselling earlier this year, the fact that he "fights dirty". In arguments, I prefer him to stick to the matter in hand and work with me to try and resolve it, not to go for the jugular as he was trained to do by NPD BM. He has taken this on board and I have noted some change in this, in our rare arguments, much rarer now that we have so little to do with the SDs.
Good to know it's working
BM and SD are both out of the picture here too and yes life has improved greatly. I know this impromptu rage is from years of suppressed anger. DH is normally happy, kind, and easy-going. No doubt NPD BM took advantage of these traits. DH dealt with his anger during the years with BM by walking away or distancing himself. During the last year with BM, he finally allowed the anger to surface. When he started defending himself against her NPD behavior, she asked for divorce and moved out. Vampires need to feed. BM has not yet found another willing victim so she has tried to target DH by proxy (SD24). Not gonna happen.
Unfortunately, DH's self defense mechanism is still surfacing and I'm not a willing target for it. I'm hoping counseling will rewire the emotional buttons.
Feel the same way
Not coddling DH over this and I don't beat around the bush. Yes, it's absolute bullshit that DHs are unable to productively get angry at the people who are the ones who knowingly and continually create pain and drama. I'm not downhill shit collector...I'm the moutaintop.
DH knows what he needs to do. I won't become the concentric victim. I will remain positive as long as I see that change is happening. I'm still working on my own stuff. Anyway, DH is a different man already from the one I met 5 years ago. Actually, he is just uncovering the person who was buried under BM's manipulation and chained with her controlling NPD for years.