Feeling used

Forums:

My stepdaughters are 13 and 18. My own children are grown and self sufficient on their own. Stepdaughters are spoiled compared to my own kids and it's hard not to be resentful when they call they're dad every time they want something. I have disengaged and this has helped me to not get too upset. I figure his decisions with his kids has nothing to do with me. For the most part, that is true, but sometimes it does affect me. I became a nail tech 2 years ago and a very typical problem is family who expect to get free services. I had to set the precident from day 1 that I will not do free nails, although sometimes it doesn't work out that way. However, my price is very fair: $10 for a Shellac manicure. I just don't want to be used and I don't want to have to work for free or, even worse, pay for product and work for free. Anyway, SD18 called her dad and asked if he could pay me the $10 to do her nails and I got upset. He can't pay me because it's our money, but even more annoying is that she didn't call and ask me first. If she is having money troubles, I would have given her a break anyway, (I was planning to give her a free service for Christmas anyway) but I wanted to be the one to tell her that. She already thinks I'm a wicked stepmother, but it's all good if I do her nails for free. DH only thought I was upset about the $10 which isn't the point. I felt used, since she didn't have the decency to ask me about it. Daddy can just pay and she doesn't have to think about my feelings. I swear, blended families are the toughest situations. I just needed to vent. Thanks to those who have read this post.

As you point out, the issue

As you point out, the issue isn't the $10 but common courtesy and treating you like you are a person and not someone she is hiring (or getting her Dad to hire) for half an hour.

Thank you! These are my

Thank you! These are my thoughts exactly!

This is like my SD57 texting

This is like my SD57 texting her Dadeeeee.....and telling him; "sammigirl is welcome to come to Thanksgiving dinner".

When I declined to go to begin with, DH then used this text as my fault for not going. My SD hates me, I'm not welcome, I know that, DH knows that.

It is a game. I'm totally with you on hating SD to go thru her father concerning you and doing her nails. What's up with that crap????

My SD has played this game for 38 years. I am disengaged from my SD also.

Don't expect your DH to understand, it never happens. Just handle it direct with your SD, if given a chance. I tell my DH, "why can't SD57 communicate with me, not go to you?" DH doesn't have an answer. All he has to do is tell her to call me or talk to me direct. My DH doesn't have the balls to be truthful; he plays the passive aggression also; I am totally disengaged from their relationship. I don't care what they do, but I draw the line when it involves me.

You need to call your SD and tell her to come in for her Christmas present; then have a talk with her direct, about letting you know when she wants her nails done, not her Father. Also let her know you don't do other family members free. Don't even say anything to your DH, just tell her; if she whines to your DH, ignore it. Never respond to their passive games. I responded for years, by trying to be nice, it didn't work.

I fully understand your situation. (((hugs)))

Ugh....

I understand your frustration

I understand your frustration because the effect of Daddy paying for her nails is you doing her nails for free, and yes, it is inconsiderate to assume you want to do her nails because she has the money.

However, may be you need to sort this out with your husband: either you agree that you will not be doing their nails at all. Kind of like doctors not treating their own family. Then he is free to pay for nails elsewhere. Or you allow him to do with his money as he pleases. You two could even agree that he can pay for one / two / ten or how ever many nail sessions with you in a year; that he not shell out money whenever the girls want it.

(I understand this irritation because I have had to draw the line with my own stepdaughter for something similar. Only reason I haven't cut her off entirely is that I like her dog more than I like her... However in the end it ends up costing ME money! O/T I am surprised that people do shellac nails - are they aware of the skin cancer risk associated with it? )

Thanks for posting. Well

Thanks for posting. Well said. We have good communication and he totally saw my point. I still wanted to hear from people who understand. As for Shellac and skin cancer, I have a lot of faith in a Dr. Doug Schoon, a nail industry expert, who explains very clearly that nail lamps are not harmful.

Well, you don't HAVE to do

Well, you don't HAVE to do the nails.

Or... say you'll do them... and ask for payment in advance... when she said dad's paying for it... you say... oh.. you mean... your dad is taking my money to give me? I'm paying myself? I don't think so...

That's exactly what I said to

That's exactly what I said to him. I never mind doing her nails, she just needs to ask me, but I have boundaries, so she went to her dad to try and get around those boundaries. Manipulation at it's finest and I felt it, and it hurt.

Ugh, I hate this. A few years

Ugh, I hate this. A few years into our marriage, SD showed up at the house and asked him to borrow a book of mine. He loaned it. I was furious. This brat couldn't give me the time of day but had the nerve to ask to borrow my stuff AND HE ALLOWED IT! You are not a slave whose services can be bartered or sold by someone else, MsNiceguy! I'm glad you worked it out with him. These SDs want the benefits a SM brings to their life but with no in kind...kindness.

How about this, Starting Jan

How about this,

Starting Jan 1, 2018 I have decided I will no longer offer discount or free services for family and friends. ON Birthdays I thought it would be nice to give your girls and ONLY your girls a complimentary set if they want. Refills will be regular price.

Stick up for yourself!!

Or you can arrange to be

Or you can arrange to be «busy» on the day she wants her nails done. }:)

Sammie is right - deal with

Sammie is right - deal with SD yourself. Tell DH that he is not your pimp; therefore any requests for SM favors need to be made to you personally.

So many of these Children of Divorce lack manners, basic social skills, and have a skewed world view because their self-absorbed belief system has never been challenged or corrected. You'd be doing both the skid and the world a favor by explaining to her why she's out of line.

YOu are disengaged, thus take your money out of the relationship and never do her nails, yo are fully booked and that's that..