Not sure what is going on
Hi! I am new to step talk and wondering if anyone can help figure out what is going on with my relationship. I met my DH three years ago and we have been together even since. He can be very affectionate, romantic and loving at times and I feel as though he is my best friend as well. He has two children from his previous relationship whom I have known since they were 3 and 5. They are now 6 and 8. However we have had several rough patches in our relationship that have resulted in us breaking up and getting back together but never resolving anything and only to end up in the same place. We have tried couples therapy to no avail and he suggested we quit going as he could no longer afford it. He was beginning to get frustrated and resentful of me because I never moved in with him after being together for so long but I feel there were too many issues involving his kids and finances that needed ot be sorted first. Whenever I would try discussing these things with him he would get very angry and shut me out and not talk to me for several days at a time. There were other issues (his ex coming over, his social media activity, his kids behaviors,) where he would tell me to leave his house for trying to talk about these things as well. For this I never felt secure in the relationship and felt if we lived together things would have gotten worse as I could never talk to him about anything. Lately we have not been together as it has been a rough summer. The final blow out came when his daughter 
threw a lampshade down while we were on vacation and it nearly hit me on the head. This was after we had a nightmare vacaiton of his kids acting terrible. He blew up on me when I confronted him about it and I left and went home. I have not heard from him since and it had been weeks. The other night I got a text form him saying he misses me very much. I told him I missed him too at times but did not think I deserved to be treated like I was. He then said he would quit texitng me and would leave me alone. I have not heard from him since. He unfriended me and all of my friends on facebook. I'm not really sure why he unfriended my friends and family as they have done nothing to him but me I understand since we are no longer together (I guess). I am hurt by the whole thing and need some insight as to what is going on and why he would treat me this way? Surely he doesnt think everyone is going to be ok with his kids acting like that and that it is ok to cut someone out of your life for mentioning how your kids act?
He did you a HUGE favour
He did you a HUGE favour there - you're just not ready to see it yet.
Why would anyone put up with his behaviour? Look, you've broken up and gotten back together several times and nothing has changed, so it's now time to make something change. Time for you to move on, enjoy your newfound freedom and, above all, raise your standards. You deserve so much better than this.
You dodged a
You dodged a bullet. He clearly wants someone to feed his needs and whom he can control by witholding affection. Don't put yourself back in the firing line. He texted you to see if you would jump at the chance to get pushed around some more before he moved on to someone else. Good for you for not being a willing victim. There are plenty of men out there and beling alone for a little while is better than being with someone who is hurts your heart.
He then said he would quit
He then said he would quit texitng me and would leave me alone.
Good, you are better off without him.
I hate to admit it, but when
I hate to admit it, but when I was a teenager, I'd do the same thing to manipulate people. That's what he's trying to do.
Expect for him to poke and prod over the next couple of months. Expect him to come at you from a sexual angle, or whatever angle he's used to having success with. He's going to use guilt to try to get you to come back. Reading his behaviors send a shock to the back of my head, because it's very obvious what he's doing.
The fact that he quasi-broke it off, and then texted you to see if it had an effect shows a very sociopathic side. It's not over, I don't think. It won't be over until he's had the last word, and a big blowup. I'd block him on your phone, and then change the locks to your house.
Look at the bright side, you're saving yourself a lot of step-stress leaving him. You're a single woman with no children, it's a hot commodity.
This man has shown you time
This man has shown you time and time again who and what he is. I'm sorry.
Contact an attorney and file for divorce. If he texts you again, refer him to your attorney and block him.
Thank you! Thankfully we are
Thank you! Thankfully we are not married. A marriage to him never would have been possible because I did not had a sense of security with him. He was incapable of discussing any issues and would either get defensive and ice me out or get angry and tell me to leave. I did not think this was normal. I cared for his kids although I did not think they acted great a lot of the time. He saw nothing wrong with certain behaviors. I remember one time years ago when I was sick (I am not one to get sick but felt I got sick often when we were together). I had the flu and was staying over at his place. His son dropped a heavy piece of equipment that he should not have been touching and it nearly hit the family pet. I brought it up and he went off on me saying "Do you think he did that on purpose!!!!!" and yelled then told me to leave. So I did. It was followed with him taking a last minute out of state trip to see friends of his I had never met because he needed to "get away from the stress". Some of these friends were the opposite sex and I had never met them before. I thought this was wrong. Thinking back I should have left him then but I took him back mistakingly. My fault for making the wrong decision.
Well, you can make the right
Well, you can make the right decision, now, to keep him out of your life.
Be VERY thankful you are not
Be VERY thankful you are not married to this... man. It certainly sounds like he has plenty of women willing to cater to his physical needs. Now chalk this up to a hard lesson learned, BLOCK HIM and move forward with your life. It will definitely be much better without this jerk. {{hugs}}
Can't you see how NUTS this
Can't you see how NUTS this man is? It is BEYOND belief, that when one of his kids does something really bad, he yells at YOU!!!!! What planet is he ON ?????
Also, the fact that he tells you to leave is completely unacceptable. It's a whole level of unacceptable. He's a complete baby, and a total idiot.
When you move on and find someone, you'll wonder what took you so long.
Do NOT get back with this
Do NOT get back with this gaslighting a$$hole! I dated a guy so effing similar to this it’s eerie. It’s emotional abuse. The icing you out is called stonewalling. The yelling at you for calling out his kids’ bad behavior is called gaslighting. Both tactics are abusive.
His kids suck and he sucks. It’s a blessing he left. Double down and block him on your phone, social media, etc. He’s a total waste of your time.
My ex did the same shit. Broke up with me for speaking up about any topic he didnt like. Told me I forced him to break up with me because I tried to talk to him about his daughter’s craptastic behavior. Mind you, I was completely calm when I did so, never called her names or used offensive language. But in his mind, I was “talking shit” about her, I obviously hate her and he can no longer trust me around her. All because I raised concerns. Really??? Way too many years wasted on this idiot.
Don’t be like me. Walk away now and find a real man.
Wow. It sounds all too
Wow. It sounds all too familiar. I remember bringing up his kids behavior too in a calm, level, even nice manner and he iced me out completely. I’m not sure what that was about but it definitely felt off. If your child is saying rude things, not using their utensils and throwing food at dinner I’m going to eventually say something. If your child is bossing me around and telling me what to do, interrupting and making rude comments I might keep it in for awhile but eventually I will have to bring it up. I never understood the icing out. I know it felt off. I wondered at times if these types of people get their way through manipulative behaviors but it does not always work. It is not your fault his kid acts that way and he should not have reacted in that way.
Yes, it’s called gaslighting.
Yes, it’s called gaslighting. It’s meant to confuse you about the reality of the situation and make you feel at fault. Although I never felt at fault, I was very confused about why he was overreacting to things that could easily be talked through. He even went so far as to twist my words when they were there in black and white, typed out via text message. It’s very abusive due to the emotional and mental toll it takes on you. And like your ex, mine would explosively break up with me then contact me months later, acting sad, even apologizing but never changing the behavior. Cycle of abuse. Do not waste another minute on this loser. I have no doubt you can do sooooo much better. PM me if you need to talk or need encouragement.
Winter Glow said it
Winter Glow said it beautifully.
He did you a HUGE favour there - you're just not ready to see it yet.
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Please give yourself time to feel ...feel sad, lonely, then ok, maybe a little happy, then sad, maybe mad, maybe freeeeeeee. It is important to feel. Not numb feelings. It is a process. Doesnt hurt to talk with someone on a professional level a few times. 'Is it possible I thought his words were OK? I would like to explore what SOUNDS like a healthy exchange even if tense topic...."
Best wishes and GOOD LUCK
You might not see it right now
but he has done you a favour. People like him don't get better, they get worse and this I know from experience in a similar past relationship. There is someone way better out there waiting for you.
Not a SM....
I'm just someone like you who dated a guy with a kid, saw the red flags, and got the hell out without getting in too deep. He is pretty much adhering to rule #1 of break-ups in the age of social media: de-friend the person so that you can't obsess. Even healthy people do it. It's too easy to drive yourself crazy looking at someone's FB to see what they're doing and if they've moved on.... And this includes your personal friends and family. Let's face it: he knows it's going to be easier for someone in your position to get out there and shake off the rust than it will be for him with all of his baggage. Might also be doing it to get your attention, but really you should look at all of it as him being consumed with the break-up. And you absolutely made the right choice. Being alone is preferable to that kind of craziness.
Why would you want an X to
Why would you want an X to stay in touch and remain friends with your friends and family?
He did you a great service by breaking it all cleanly. Quit pinning for this critically flawed failed parent and get on with hour life.
I understand that. I just had
I understand that. I just had a good experience with some of his friends and family and they were really nice to me so I would never just unfriend them on facebook. Would I be hanging out with them in real life now? No. But it seems childish that he just went thru all of my friends and family and unfriended all of them when they were all very nice and welcoming to him and his kids. Especially since I don't even understand why he broke up with me. Like I don't think it was warranted and it made no sense.
Surely he doesnt think
Surely he doesnt think everyone is going to be ok with his kids acting like that and that it is ok to cut someone out of your life for mentioning how your kids act?
You seem to know what to do and that's not being involved with such an @sshole like him. Yes, he definitely expects for everyone including you to put up with his disrespectful kids and suck it up. He's a sh!tty father and is teaching his kids it's ok to disrespect people and they will accept it. He gaslights you and texts you weeks later throwing crumbs to see if you bite. I hope you go No Contact and leave this dysfunction alone.