need advice, what are the chances that she is sincere?
Met my husband after his divorce when his daughter was 9 and his son 7. The daughter and I had our differneces there since I didn't accept her percieved 'princess' status.
Ten years later I finally agreed to marry him, as the sd was living in FL going ot college and the ss lived in California. When both individually decided to come live closer to Dad, I so hoped we'd all be a family and was thrilled that my husband would have a chance with his now adult children.
My hope soon changed to dred, as his daughter treated me badly and never apologized. I was told I tried too hard to be a family, so I backed off, thinking she'd meet me half way, but didn't. She'd run hot and cold, inviting me into her life and I'd cherish that (I don't have children of my own) and then I'd somehow say or do somehting that she'd take offense to, and she'd pull away. I was learning to live with her pulling away, when it changed to her treating me as if I didn't exist. Guess she knew she'd hit my button.
She'd be in my home talking with her Dad and not say more than 'hey'. She'd call me phone and not say hello, just put my dad on. The wedding rehearsal dinner invitation was addressed to the both of us, but we were late because she didn't tell me she pushed it back 1/2 hour, and as a man of course her Dad didn't remember her telling me and had simply asked me to hold onto the invitation. Thanksgiving dinner, she called me phone when she couldn't get ahold of her Dad on his phone, was again rude and then he and she talked about the 'family' get together as if I didn't exist. Then one day when just that happened, her Dad called her out on it defending me telling her he thought she'd been rude to me and she went bolistic, and specifically found a way to intentionally hurt me, then lied for weeks about it to her Dad. He tried to talk to her about it, even explaining that he wasn't working and that her large wedding gift was from me. Her betrayal to me was so painful that I do not trust her in my home. I do not know what she is capable of. I feel strongly that she cannot be trusted to not go through my personal belongings any chance she'd have. She sometimes calls him 6-8 times a day, even he says he can't stand that she can't get in her car without calling him. Even when he told her we were going on vacaiton, within 1 hour of that conversation while we were in the car, she was calling him, and if he doens't answer, she hangs up and calls back within 5 minutes.
I prayed for Divine Intervention and I believe I got it, when on a Saturday a priest came over to me as I cryed praying and asked me if I needed to talk. I told him the story and he advised that I not attend any family gatherings, not send a birthday card, not send a gift when her baby comes, etc. He said I should not have to endure the mistreatment of her treating me as if I didn't exist. He said I needed to take care of myself and encourage my husband to see his daughter as he wanted away form our home and on his own time and that I should not contribute to any more gifts. He also said my husband needed to support my side. Hubby, struggles with that sometimes supporting me and other times supporting her. Her husband has told me that I need to learn 'my place'
Now 8 months pregnant, I've received a note from her asking if I'll come to her home to try to resolve our differences because she wants her baby's birth to be a happy time for all? Who is she referring to as all? She says she feels that both of us have completely different expectations for a relationship and they need to be figured out...because we both are making it very hard for my father.' Am I being too sensative that I resent that this man I'm married to is only her father and not my husband in her above omission? Has anyone had any success in a similar situation? My instinct is not to attend and instead to simply point out in a return email that her Dad is my husband. I have gotten some relief from the pain since I've begun taking care of myself not allowing her in my home or attending these family functions where I would be mistreaten. I'd love to be able to attend family funcitons without feeling I'm walking on hot rocks or glass, is that possible?
It sounds to me as if this
It sounds to me as if this woman is interested in making amends just in time to recieve gifts for her new baby. I say call her bluff, make her wait until after the baby is born (and she receives no gifts from you), then follow-up to see if she still wants to resolve any differences.
It really hurts my husband.
It really hurts my husband. It would be so much easier to walk away if she didn't live so close, but
I am very leery. My heart says don't meet, especially don't meet at her home, but maybe slowly open written communication. Would that have helped in your situation? I honestly feel she is jealous of her Dad's relationship with me, compounded by her not liking anyone he or her Mother have ever been involved with, and that she wants to get back the Daddy she missed as a little girl.
mom2tomany, What are you
mom2tomany,
What are you going to do now? I think we both need to establish some healthy boundaries. Does your husband support you or does he too blame you?
I agree with the priest -
I agree with the priest - stop showing her kindness. Also, the person she needs to talk to is your DH not you.
I live with DH and SD (27) and thought we'd be one big happy family. During a family meeting she told me she resented when I'd try to join in on conversations with her and her dad. They could have been talking about something as petty as changing the oil in the car . . but she felt I was interferring. I'll admit my feelings were hurt. I told her she could always have access to him if she would just say she needed to speak in privacy. Since that conversation, if they are talking I don't try to integrate anything into the conversation . . . . even when the want me to.
I also told DH to talk to her because based on her actions, I felt she felt I was trying to take her "daddy away." I told him to let her know that no one could ever come between them, etc. So DH had a long talk with her and told her he loved me and that I wasn't going anywhere. He also stressed the fact that she would always have a special place in his heart and would always be his little princess. She and I are not best of friends, but our relationship has improved.
Your DH needs to let her know that each of you have a special place in his heart and demand that she respect you and stop her childish foolishness. As his wife, you come first and she also needs to be made aware of that fact. She needs to know that when she hurts you, she's also hurting him. He needs to set her straight. Don't contact her until after DH has a conversation with her first. He needs to put his foot down because she is HIS daughter.
Dear I agree with the priest,
Dear I agree with the priest, DH has talked to her, BUT I do not think he has laid it out with the strong language that I come first with the exception that he did tell her that she is not allowed in our home. My husband is so sick of hearing it and is sick of being caught in the middle. I am guilty of over-reacting at times, so his thing is that 'we hurt each other'. He does acknowledge that I have never intentionally hurt her as she has me and I have not reacted out of spite or revenge as she has. Point is, how did you encourage your DH to give her your last paragraph talk and put his foot down. FURTHER and most important how did you get past the desire to be a family?????
it is hard to say. I would
it is hard to say. I would try and just be cautious. I wish you the best of luck.
Tell me more ybarra357.
Tell me more ybarra357. Scared? I see how my DH is afraid to ever say no to his children. I always figured it is out of guilt for not being much of their life as they grew up 1/2 way across the country. Is that your situation?
I would stay away. If you
I would stay away. If you have peace in your life now with out that drama. Keep it that way. She is the one mistreating you.... make her take the necesary steps to fix the relationship by proving she is willing to make amends and be more likeable.
Right now it seems as if she is looking for gifts for the baby and trying to get a free baby shower out of the deal or something.
If she want to make amends let her prove it. Otherwise i would stay the heck away.
Do young adults apologize
Do young adults apologize anymore?
I find my step daughter's behavior condescending.
Thanks doncon29. I needed to
Thanks doncon29. I needed to hear that and yes it was an email and she copied her Dad. I believe she is incapable of apologizing because she believes she is superior. I'm willing to open the line of communication in written email format and DH may have to accept that.
Invite her to your home with
Invite her to your home with your dh home. You turf. Dh there to see u behave... Tell her why you feel the way you do. And there's nothing wrong with telling her you don't trust her motives and you think she's just looking for more gifts. Listen to her perspective but don't bet sucked in.
Stay away from all contact
Stay away from all contact with her. Do not engage. She will get worse when the baby is here. I agree with the others. That will be her manipulation tool with Daddy. You did not make this child, you do not have to take this kind of abuse. Do what the priest said, stay away from her. Your husband can have a relationship with her away from your house and you.
I am actually impressed by the advice from the priest. Usually they are not this on target. It is nice to see the catholic faith is understanding of step parents.
In no way is she sincere.
In no way is she sincere.
“I've received a note from her asking if I'll come to HER HOME to try to resolve our differences because SHE wants HER baby's birth to be a happy time for all?”
Our differences? This the typical language of a bully. Give me a break. As if somehow you contributed just as much as she did toward her abuse of you? Bullies usually come up with some kind of justification for their aggressive behaviour that doesn’t involve an admission of mistake and a sincere apology. Some of the more common jargon they use is: it takes two…ha ha no, it doesn’t…we should let bygones be bygones…Excuse me, is that your idea of an apology?
This woman needs to extend a real apology to you, which is an admission of her mistake and a promise to not repeat her hurtful behaviour, not make excuses for herself by insinuating that you contributed to the problems as much as she did.
She says she feels that both of us “have completely different expectations for a relationship and they need to be figured out...because we both are making it very hard for my father.” No SD, we aren’t both making it hard for your dad, you are doing that all by yourself. Why, because you think I need to learn my place? Since when do you SD or your husband think you are my superiors and the ones who are in the position of defining my place in my marriage and my home? That is ridiculous. SD needs to learn her place and a few manners too.
All of her language is self-centred and narcissistic. She hasn’t changed one bit, she just grew a little cleverer is all. Until SD actually makes an apology, your relationship with her is stuck, because her behaviour toward you will not change.
Now how you handle this is something else. It takes a discerning person to see that this is not an olive branch, but just another trap for you. I think it’s all just a ruse to make her dad think she has turned a corner and is actually ready to be decent toward you, (which she isn’t) and if you don’t accept her so called peace offering, you are seen to be holding a grudge. (not true by the way) The person who needs to see SD’s alleged truce for what it is, is your husband.
She is an adult and needs to behave like an adult.
That is such good advice HS!!
That is such good advice HS!! It is very important that SD's true feelings are exposed to dad, as he most likely is going to want to take this fool's gold as real.
And one more thing, if SD does manage to choke out an apology with a promise to never do it again, and then goes ahead and does it again she has ended any potential for a relationship with you. She then has proven with no shadow of a doubt that she couldn't care less about you, and her word is never to be trusted.
Thanks for all your help. I
Thanks for all your help. I hit the send button with a reply hitting the ball into her court, asking what her desires are for a relationship with me. We'll see .....