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Hiding the fact that the ex came over for dinner

marsaidstep's picture

Would anyone else be concerned if they found it that their SO others ex was having dinner at their house the evening before and they never mentioned it to you?

Siemprematahari's picture

Absolutely and I'd be very interested to know why he didn't bother to mention it and why it even happened to begin with.

ndc's picture

Definitely.  Even if it was totally innocent, the judgment of the SO is highly suspect if they didn't think it was something that should have been mentioned.

SM12's picture

That would be a huge deal breaker.  I don’t think I could get past that betrayal.  

marsaidstep's picture

I was told his ex came over to see their kids and then decided to stay for dinner. She brought over groceries and some carry out food for SO as well that he wanted. I talked to him that night and none of it was mentioned. The next day skid brought it up and when I questioned why it was never mentioned to me he got angry with me and began yelling saying “she’s their mother for crying out loud!!!!” I think this is wrong. 

Sandybeaches's picture

"The next day skid brought it up and when I questioned why it was never mentioned to me he got angry with me and began yelling saying “she’s their mother for crying out loud!!!!” 

And what does that have to do with anything???  I don't know your story but why is she coming over to see the kids there instead of seeing them at her own place?  There should be a visitation schedule and divorce decree that doesn't include McDonald's take out.  

When someone gets mad and yells this is a sign that something is wrong.  Why the anger if he didn't know that this behavior was not acceptable.  If you have been together any amount of time I am sure he already knew how you would react to this information.  SO why would he toss your feelings aside and do this?  Very wrong on his part!! 

shamds's picture

Groceries and cooking a roast dinner and seeing the kids? Of course this is ridiculous because if they are divorced “this spending time together for our kids” “or she’s their mum” is screaming they aren’t over one another

very rarely do you have those kinds of feelings after ending a relationship and its gives into false hope to skids that mummy and daddy are getting back together

why do you think skid happened to mention the visit, because he/she knew it would make you angry and fight and speed up “operation reunite our parents together”

Rags's picture

The X has her time with the kids in her home. Your SO's time with his kids has absolutely nothing to do with his X as her time with her kids has absolutely nothing to do with your SO.

It is time for you to jerk a knot in SO's tail to let him know that his X has zero place in a life that he shares with you.   Yes, she is their mother. But she is not his wife. BM should not be tolerated to interfere in the life of her X and he should not tolerate her in his life in any way.

IMHO of course.

 

Siemprematahari's picture

The next day skid brought it up and when I questioned why it was never mentioned to me he got angry with me and began yelling saying “she’s their mother for crying out loud!!!!” I think this is wrong. 

He's gaslighting you! Getting angry & yelling is all a show to deflect what he knows is wrong. Her being the mother of his kids is not an excuse for the ex to stay over for dinner. If you had an X at your home having dinner would he be ok with it.......

HELL NO!!!

Mcwilliams293's picture

A few years ago when we were having issues DW took SD and our BoiD to stay the weekend with him in Amarillo, TX where the ex has a house, DW confides in him a lot and tells me there is nothing wrong with them getting along so wonderfully, so much in fact that my 8yr old calls him her second dad. Its so awesome to see the turn around of what she used to say about him when he left her high and dry when SD was three months old. Hell, she even went camping a few weeks ago with 20 yr old SS ( who is mama's Baby boy) and his BioD with my SD and 8 yr old BioD, i guess it was just so much fun. I get to play dad in the sense that DW gets my paycheck, health isurance through my job for everyone, my VA benefits for two houses, I get to fix everything and make sure to take of the vehicles, homework, errands, doctor visits, dentist visits, run back and forth for dance lessons, shopping cleaning, cooking, run to the schools when needed, and work 50 plus hours week with being on call at night. I am one lucky guy to be used as a door mat. But escape impossible, to much debt, due to in ability of 20 yr old SS getting off mamas tata's and unwillingness for him to be his own person. I just hate the fact that I helped her mother and grandmother over the past 12 yrs before their deaths, because none of that mattered at all and i am getting the shaft.

Had to move out to the house we own next door that I had built for her grandmother before she passed, and basically become alienated by her and the two girls, which the SD raised since she was 6 months old and my own BioD that is 8, All because I dont want anything to due with her loser SS who was 6 when we got together, but manipluated the marriage so bad that this is where we currenlty are. Its so bad my DW's own Brother refuses to talk with her or her SS, because of their behavior and attitude toward me.

The first two yrs were pretty good but after the marriage i became the door mat.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

That went from 0 to 60 awfully fast. Unless you questioned him with guns ablazing, he could have responded with a number of reasonable answers ("I was going to mention it", "It wasn't for very long and I didn't bother mentioning it, I'm sorry", "I was concerned you might be upset and wanted to talk to you about it later").

He's wrong and he knows it.

lorlors's picture

He's being a d1ckhead to you and also giving his kids false hope that they will get back together. Unless this is exactly what he has up his sleeve?

Rags's picture

Nope, this wouldn't be tolerated in any relationship I was part of.  Not without extremely painful consequences.  

Transgressions that violate commited relationships should result in full confrontation and destructio of the transgressor.

Hosting an X for dinner would be justification for unconditional destruction.

Sneaky bullshit should not be tolerated.

IMHO.

georgina29's picture

I am very sorry you are going through this. I went through a similar situation and it was very heart breaking and difficult to let go of. I loved my ex, still do, but knew they were not right for me. Trust was broken early in the relationship and I was also subjected to verbal and emotional abuse. Get mad, very mad! You do not deserve this. Also make sure to have sympathy for yourself. It is ok to be sad. You were hurt. It was not your fault. You were betrayed. You were intentionally kept in the dark and then were subjected to emotional abuse when you found out about it. It is not ok to be treated like this. This reminds me so much of my relationship and I am so thankful that it is over. All of the lies, the manipulations, being left in the dark about everything, the anger outbursts, over nothing. It was so unnecessary. No more. You DO NOT deserve this. The trust has been broken and it is very hard to get that back. I am so sorry you were hurt. Also please disregard Curious Georgetta's posts. It is not ok what your partner did. It is a betrayl. Let your partner get back together with their ex and they can live their life together. I'm sure it won't be all roses so have the satisfaction in knowing that. You deserve better.

Lollybobs's picture

Just because she's their mother, that does not give her the right to enter YOUR home and have meals with YOUR partner. There needs to be some clear rules established here. If she wants to see the kids, that needs to be done at her place. 

If he thought there was nothing wrong with it,he would have told you she'd been over for dinner.The fact  that he failed to mention it and then got angry when he got caught with his pants down tells you all you need to know.

Winterglow's picture

I find myself wondering how often this has happened in the past without you knowing about it ...

decofru's picture

Before my DH and i started living together i used to sleep over every day because he was renting an apartment next to where i was staying. Then the one night i didnt sleep over because i slept over at my mom's place he called me asking if I'm coming and i said no. Then the next day i noticed that the frame displaying our picture together was no longer in place as i had left it, he had told me not to come in the morning because he is going to church so i came in the afternoon only to find him not bathed. Then the picture frame was changed i got suspicious and snooped on his phone and saw messages from his ex threatening to tell me that he called her to come for a sleep over and she not only spent the night but they had sex.

I confronted DH about this and he denied everything he said BM is a liar she only wrote those messages to break us up because she knows i go thru is phone and he didnt delete them cz he had nothing to hide. I never believed him. My SS was around when his mama slept over in my absence. When i got a chance to be alone with him i didnt ask him if his mother came to sleepover because i knew he would cover for his dad and say no but i asked him where his mother slept when she spend the night, that way he thought his dad had already told me and he responded "she slept in my room" I got my confirmation.

I was so hurt, that i chose to be with this man despite all his baggage and the drama his baggage brings in my life and then he lies and cheats on me. After i told him his son confirmed that the BM slept over, he couldn't deny it anymore but he denied sleeping with her. He just told me different excuses that she came late to see her son and then she was unwell so he offered her a place to sleep he is the mother of his child and they were a family for 12 years so he couldnt resist helping her. He didnt tell me because he knew i would be upset. Then my question is why did he tell me to not come in the morning but to come in the afternoon? Because the BM was still around, i was told not to come because he still wanted her around?

Till now this issue affects me and i truly believe they had sex but he will never admit it, it's a question that will forever stay unanswered. I just forgave him i told myself maybe it wasnt easy for him to fall of a sudden forget the pussy he had been chowing for 12 years of his life but what i cant stand is the fact that this woman is a whore, he knew of all the people she cheated on him with including his best friend, work colleagues and her own sister's husband. So why would he knowingly sleep with a whore? I asked myself if maybe she was just too good in bed or something.

That wasnt the first time BM came to his place without my knowledge, the first time she came SS wasnt even around, DH had just moved to his new place and i had only got to visit him only to find out the BM had already been there before me ofcourse i didnt believe her because DH had recently moved to the apartement. I askedDH if BM had been to his new place and he said No then BM sent me details of what she found in the house to prove she was there. her message was did you not find cake, biscuits on the table and cooked rice, Im the one who cooked it. and yes i saw all those things, so DH lied to me. He gave me silly reasons why she was there and why he didnt tell me. Had i been the one who had done all these things he would had dumped me very fast and trash talked me to his family and friends about what a disgusting whore i am even without any concrete proof. I know it looks like they had sex when she came for the sleepover but there is nothing to prove it, even the court system wouldnt find him guilty. I know that at times things dont always look the way they seem, things that people say are obvious are not always obvious. I once had my ex pick me up at 12 midnight from a show i attended with my sisters, then he dropped off my sisters and we went to grab take aways and then he drove me back home nothing happened not even a kiss but if my DH knew about that he would never believe nothing happened, but i know the BM sleepin over was very wrong, very inappropriate and him lying about it made it worse. You are not suposed to do things that are inapprorpiate and cause your partner to doubt your faithfulness.

 

3 years later am now his wife and we have a 2 year old boy together. People makes mistakes until they get it right, you cannot throw away a relationship because of one or two mistakes. Trust is broken but you just need to mend it, the heart is broken and the scars will forever remain but you need to learn to live with them. But depriving yourself and settling for less by being with a man who has baggage is not worth it if he then cheats on you.

markwvualum's picture

I am very sorry you are in this situation. I could not imagine staying with someone who repeatedly lied to me let alone cheated on me.

SMto2's picture

Wow. Based on the fact you're still with your DH, I hope that means your DH has rightfully earned and regained your trust. His at least two instances of lying to you are pretty big "mistakes." For what it's worth, as a lawyer, I found your comment interesting that,  "even a court system wouldn't find him guilty." I hope that isn't the way you've justified staying with him, as I think the accuracy of  that statement depends on what standard was being applied, civil or criminal. While the criminal standard is "beyond a reasonable doubt," which is 98 or 99%, the civil standard is a "preponderence of the evidence," meaning whatever percentage tips the scale ever so slightly one way or the other so it's no longer balanced. In other words, whatever is "more likely than not." While clearly there's not evidence beyond a reasonable doubt that they had sex, there sure is plenty of evidence that makes it more likely than not that happened. For starters, if his story that she was unwell and just needed a place to stay were true, there would be no need to hide your picture. And if they didn't have sex, it's hard to imagine that when she texted him she was going to tell you they had sex why he wouldn't have at least called her out on lying. This is not to mention intentionally keeping you away by lying to you and telling you not to come in the morning (because he was going to church, of all places!) I hate to say it, but it does seem more likely than not they did have sex, and I think a jury applying that standard likely would conclude that based on all the evidence, just as you did.

While each person has to make their own relationship choices, I think most people betrayed to the point you have been would not be so forgiving. I'm not sure if you have low self-esteem or where you're coming from, but no one NEEDS  to "learn to live with" the scars of broken trust, And where the "one or two mistakes" at issue were lying and cheating with an ex, most people would walk away and never look back and never consider that "throwing away" the relationship as though it's something valuable worth keeping. I don't know your current status with your DH, but I pray for the sake of you and your child that he's one of the rare leopards that has miraculously changed its spots.  

still learning's picture

Let them have each other. He's obviously going to do whatever he wants regardless of how you feel about it.  Why fight for a sh*tty prize of a man?  I don't even see this as a trust issue but one of, "Is this what I really want?"  He's giving you a window into what your life with him will be like. Perhaps he treated BM with the same kind of disregard, thus the divorce.  

MissTexas's picture

issue. This is known as "lying by omission." If it is only and innocent dinner, why not disclose that information? This isn't sounding good. What about trust/honesty/transparency?

I could think of a few substitute adjectives, other than "concerned."

MissJulsie's picture

Ok so here's the cards on the table:

1. Your SO and his ex are probably doing the nasty behind your back. This kind of thing has happened before between exes.

2. Your SO is a selfish, gaslighting, blame-shifting, smoke-and-mirrors, manipulative, bullying, arrogant asshole, and judging by how preposterous his outburst was, that's not going to change.

3. Get out of there this very immediate second, and stay with a friend, so you can gear yourself up to think clearly about your next move. I recommend leaving this guy, but I do realise that you'll need to gather your thoughts before preparing to take flight.

4. Don't pay any attention to anything Curious Georgetta says. She's a bored, troublemaking and pot-stirring heckler who likes niggling people and contradicting them for the fun of it, just to watch them squirm. 

Yourstruly's picture

I would wonder what else is he hiding? If he wants to play house with her & kids Tell him have all the dinners he wants cause your out!!! Not ok at all!