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update on separation from DH

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 9:36am

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Hi everyone, just wanted to again say thank you so much for all the support while I go through this separation/divorce and to give you an update. I have not allowed DH to come back to the house. I had to put the actual filing for divorce on hold due to a medical issue I had (I'm 8 months pregnant with placenta previa) - it was probably related to stress :/

Anyway, I do have all the papers ready to go. The envelope is sitting in front of me right now, all I have to do is drop it in the mailbox today. I'm having a little bit of a hard time getting myself to do this. I know I can't stay with DH because of his addiction. He has refused to get any real inpatient treatment and it's not safe for our daughter to have him here knowing he will bring drugs into the house.

It just makes me sad how severely and how quickly drugs have taken over his life. I look back and he is just a completely different person within a matter of months. I also found out that he has gone back to using heroin already since getting out of detox. He couldn't even make it a week. He's not even staying with us but I text him and asked if he needed help getting into an inpatient rehab and he said no. I can't stay married to him, but I don't want him to die. It's so scary but my hands are tied as he refuses to get help and it's too dangerous to have him in the home.

Sorry, that turned into more of a vent than an update. Thanks again for listening.

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:13am

(((HUGS))) to you.  Now go drop the envelope in the mailbox.  You know it's the right thing to do.  Kudos to you for doing what needs to be done to keep your family safe and not enable your husband's addiction.  I think you're doing the right thing for him, too.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:30am

Thank you! I'm trying. I was so torn because I want the kids to have their dad around and have a "normal" life but I can't risk their safety. I hope one day he can get clean for their sake.

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:14am

Just sending you a long distance hug. I can't even imagine how hard all of this is on you. Please keep taking care of yourself and your baby. He will have to figure out his life on his own.

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:28am

Thank you so much. It's very hard, especially being pregnant but I know I can't put my daughter (and soon the baby) at risk to keep him around.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:20am

How did he end up leaving the house? He agreed to detox? (Just curious). 

Can you do a legal separation as a first step? 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:27am

Yup, he agreed to go but he was in REALLY bad shape, to the point I didn't even want our daughter to see him. Luckily daycare is right up the street so I quickly dropped her off and then took him. When he got out, he wanted to come home of course and I told him I wasn't ready for that. Good thing I did because I found out maybe a week later that he was already back to using heroin.

Unfortunately our state doesn't have a legal separation so I just have to file or not file. I figure regardless of what happens, at least I won't be legally tied to him anymore.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:29am

Ugh, I'm sorry, that's awful.  Did he have a history of addiction, or is this new?

I think you know you have to file, as hard as it is, or he will ruin you financially. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:35am

Kind of. He got hooked on pain pills a while back when he had an injury. I never imagined it would turn into this, even though you hear about it happening all the time.

He really hasn't left me with any options, especially since he refuses to get any real treatment. I told him to let me know if/when he wants help (meaning getting into rehab, nothing else) but I feel like that is all I can do.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:39am

Yes, that is all you can do.  

I didn't realize he was using heroin, the last I read it was pain pills, but as you said, that's the natural progression, since it's so much cheaper.

You do have to protect your kids at all costs.  

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:43am

I didn't realize either. It got bad really quickly. He actually tested positive for fentanyl in detox which was pretty terrifying knowing that was in the house with my 3 year old (any drug is scary but people are dropping like flies from fentanyl overdoses where we live).

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:36am

You can not have a normal life if DH is not normal.  As, you can have a normal life if DH is addictive to drugs, all all that brings with it.  You can’t have the police raiding your home, for drugs.  You can not yourself be taken in by the police.  Drugs are bad.  This is not your fault. There nothing you can do.  This is all up to him

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:44am

That is what I keep telling myself. I didn't cause it and can't control it.

Thank you for the support.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 12:43pm

It sounds like you're in a good place, for the most part. Even after my psycho exh beat the daylights out of me, it was hard for me to file for divorce. While I will never admit it to my family, I will admit here that I actually sat on the paperwork for almost a month. I was at work and realized that I could not stand to be married to him one more minute. I left work early, went home for the paperwork, then drove to my attorney's office and handed them over. It was a huge weight off of me, to know that I was taking the next big step to a better life.

Wishing you and your precious baby all the best, hon. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 3:41pm

Thank you. And I'm so glad things worked out for you. It is hard to make it final, no matter what they have done.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 3:51pm

Yes, it IS hard. Even after what he'd done, I would have gone back (I wrongly believed I'd deserved it) because I still loved him. It's a huge step to take - especially since you're pregnant. But you are smart to realize what you need to do, even though it's so difficult. <3

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 4:04pm

I totally understand that. If we didn't have our other daughter, I would probably deal with his crap until after the baby is born but I am terrified he would leave something laying around and she would pick it up. It's just not a chance I'm willing to take, especially after finding out he tested positive for fentanyl. Scary stuff.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Thu, 09/05/2019 - 12:22pm

That, and you cannot take a chance with having your baby around an addict. Heaven knows what he might do when he "needs a fix". Stay strong, hon. We're here for you!

Mountains's picture

Submitted by Mountains on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 7:31pm

That is a good first step to a whole new life for you and your children!  It will get better, it will take time, but it will be worth it.  Hopefully you changed the locks.

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 10:54pm

Good for you. I am relieved you mailed it. 

Very sorry you are going through this and so glad you're done with that guy. I pray he finds the willingness to recover.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Thu, 09/05/2019 - 1:11am

I'm so glad you did. If you hadn't, my main fear would have been, that if there ever was a raid on your home and drugs were found, that you could lose your children. 

Be strong! You can get through this!

DPW's picture

Submitted by DPW on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 6:27pm

Excellent news! 

I was in a long term relationship with a heroin user. I watched his life spiral to homelessness before me. He ended up dying on the streets. You are doing the right thing. Protect you and your loved ones. Heroin is a terrible drug. 

flmomma08's picture

Submitted by flmomma08 on Wed, 09/04/2019 - 7:11pm

Oh my gosh that’s awful. I pray he gets well but definitely can’t have it around my kids in the meantime. 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Thu, 09/05/2019 - 1:23pm

Strong, smart women rock. I know this is incredibly hard. Hope this goes quickly for you, and I hope he gets the help he needs. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 09/05/2019 - 3:56pm

Save yourself and your children.  You nor they caused this.   Sadly your STBXDH is a write off.  Like any bad investment, cut your loses, reposition and get on with the investment plan.  In this case life is the investment plan and it does not and should not include your STBX either in your life or your children's lives.

Hopefully this will not include a funeral for you to attend.  Though that would likely be the least cumbesome outcome for you and your children.