My advice to you, is as long as your husband is being kind and respectful to you, treating the kids fairly, and your step kids are nice to you - try not to let this get ‘hold of you’. You control the feeling don’t let it control you. - I let resentment control me, (partly because my step kids weren’t all that nice to me). Consequently my relationship has completely gone down the pan. - you have a new baby, these feelings will get easier. You ought to be very proud of yourself it’s quite an accomplishment that everyone is getting on, and I’m sure your husband loves you like no one else on the planet. Best of luck. 

I don’t think this will come out nicely but you shouldn’t have had a child with him at this time. You clearly identified that there is nothing your husband has done nothing wrong.

Some people just aren’t built to be in this sort of relationship but these are factors you know of before you committed yourself to him. These aren’t’ factors that will change. Everyone has a past and no one is “prefect”. This man happened to have two children from his past whom he maintains a positive relationship as he should. He seems to be a good father with good boundaries.

You need to continue you’re therapy and involve him in it but you’ll have to figure this out. Most people can only put up with some much and your being resentful of him could turn into him resenting you and his children having issues with you.

I’m sorry you’re in this spot but I’m more sorry for the children you’ve involved in this. I’m also blaming him if he knew you felt this way and continued the same.

I have a similar situation to yours. My DH is good to me and my kids, his kids are respectful towards me, seldomly talks to Ex and it’s only about the kids. What bothers me the most is that he once told me he would still be married to ex if she hadn’t left him for another man, he would have taken her back if she came back but she never did and eventually with time he realized she was not coming back and moved on and then met me. They were married 18 years had 4 kids together so lots of history and memories created.

One of the things that I do is carry a daily planner in my purse and I try to write down 3 daily things that I’m thankful for that day about my family and husband. It really helps me for when I go down that rabbit hole, I will go back and read and think about the better days we’ve had and the memories we are creating. I also like to make notes of new memories I want to create. I guess I figure if I create enough new memories those will be fresher and newer memories and somehow the old ones will seem a thing of the past and go away. I don’t think I will ever completely get over it as there are things that still trigger me like yesterday for father’s day. It was just us and his kids for lunch and all I could think about as we sat at the table is this is how it could have been for them except instead of me their bio mom.

It’s normal for you to feel the way you do just don’t let it consume you. I know trust me it’s hard. My suggestion to you would be to focus on your present and future, vision what you want it to be and focus on making that vision come true.

I have been there before! My husband was married to his ex for 13 years and the only reason they divorced is because she cheated on him. He loved her deeply but she hurt him deeply. The first years of our marriage were the hardest. There were even times when he would call me by her name (our names are similar). This really bothered me (obviously) but in counseling we learned that this was more due to habit of 13 years rather than lingering feelings. All I can say is time heals all wounds. We have been married for almost 8 years now and I truly don't have these fears and anxious feelings anymore. I know he loves me and would never go back to her. He thanks her now for cheating on him because if she hadn't, he would never have found me and had the chance to actually have a "real" relationship. Over the years, we have put more and more distance between us and her and this is made possible as the kids get older. It also helps that we aren't really splitting custody anymore. The older one lives with her and the younger one lives with us. This has alleviated most, if not all, of the communication. Plus now she hates us and the feeling is mutual so that's even further distance. When I met him, they were friends, would sit beside each other at events, and texted regularly. He says it was only like that because he wanted to have an amicable relationship with her for the sake of the kids. So he had to learn boundaries once we started our relationship because those things were no longer appropriate. They limited their contact to just discussing legisitcs of the kids which helped a lot but it took longer than it should to make that happen, honestly. It was a long, grueling process, but over time, it just got better. It sounds like your husband really loves you! Just try to conciously make the choice to believe him. Don't expect a fire where there is no smoke. Best wishes to you and congrats on your beautiful new addition!

How do you absolutely know he was that great???

My ex (Father of my bios), recently had another child. Our children were born almost 20 years ago. My ex has had cancer twice. He has retired from his 1st career & is on his 2nd career. He's a civilian now & actually home. He's different than he was... I occasionally get phone calls to apologize about how things were, he's bonding with his child & he's pulling his weight, it's different. 

Now on the flipside, I married & had kids with him when he had a chiseled body & hair, the cocky attitude that pilots have & could make an entire room of women swoon... It was an okay trade off

Seriously, you don't KNOW that he was great.

My husband is 100% involved & always had primary custody, I know he was always great with his bios BUT BM wasn't around. As in she would have a kid & then take off for 6+ weeks "for me time" & traveled extensively for work (learned this from their friends). 

You're imagining how you think their early parenting years went...

though I wish he didn’t have kids, they have always been respectful and accepting of me.  I just had my first baby with him and it’s almost like his past bothers me a bit more now.    He only talks to his ex when it’s necessary and makes it clear to me every day how much he loves me and is so glad to not be with her.   He’s so wonderful with our baby,

If the present is good, don't dwell on his past, we all have one. What matters is what is happening now, and you admit it's pretty good.

Don't torture yourself with images of him and BM together.

Let me tell you how obsessing over the past feels from the other side. DH isn’t obsessive about my exH—but he is irrational about a couple of guys I dated after exH and before him. 

There is nothing I can do about it. I can’t change it. I don’t wish I had stayed with either of those guys. It seems crazy to me that DH is so caught up with this. I never think about those two guys until DH brings them up. 

I had a therapist tell me one time that he might have other issues of insecurity bubbling up and that comes out as insecurity over these guys. So, when I am patient about it (and I rarely am because we’ve had the convo a thousand times) I try to get at the heart of what’s bugging him. 

You cant change the past. Everything you have done, and everything you DH has done, has led you to right here, together. What, exactly and specifically, do you want your DH to do here in the present?

Quit thinking with emotion and use your brain.  His past is a large part of what makes your DH the man you love.  Lamenting that past is to lament him.  Don't do that.

Nothing your DH has done in the past is a first that you missed.  Everything that you are experiencing he is experiencing for the first time with you. It is your first time together. Something BM and his prior relationship children will not experience. Only the two of you and your own child(ren) will experience those firsts.

Don't let non events of the past and emotion over run your brain and your enjoyment of the incredible things that you and DH are doing and building together.

You're going to have to find a way to accept his past, sit in & process the emotions it brings up and let it go if you want to continue this relationship. For the sake of your marriage and in creating a happy home you need to do this for YOU. You can't allow his past to dictate and take over your future. We all have a past and that's where it belongs. Now its up to you to find a way to move forward from this.....and live your best life!

Very solid advice. I too drove myself bonkers with lamenting the ex, Toxic Troll and the life that they attempted to build together. I consol myself with those happy little sayings we learn "Im not his first but I am his best and last!"

I just have to keep anchoring myself in what I know to be TRUTH:

- I know that Toxic Troll is a pill popping alcoholic, who would poo and pee herself and pass out drunk in her own puke.
- I know that she got him into a heavy debt, that he had to declare bankruptcy.
- I know that she would abuse him verbally, physically and emotionally.
- I know that she cheated on him repeatedly, and lied all the time.

I know I am very different. We will be buying a house together soon, I am working at a great job with great benefits and am contributing equally. I know that his youngest daughter loves me very much. I know he is much more financially secure. I know he loves me intensely. We have our issues but I know that he would never be unfaithful.

So, make a list, start re-training your brain. I have a trigger point that starts me going down the rabbit hole and I snap at myself "enough! Get out of my brain!"

lol. Sometimes works.

Enjoy your new baby, enjoy your husband, enjoy your life! Its too short to be tormenting yourself. Read these boards, let US torment you instead. JK.

Peace