Trying to make “their” home, my home !
I’ve been struggling so much with trying to manage my SOs relationship with BM and her family. In the grand scheme, it’s been an evolution, but a painful one. Every time I feel like we make progress a new issue arises and smacks me in the face.
So we’re living in SO’s and BM’s house that they had together. She’s been gone for 4 years. She was bought out. I live here, pay bills, contribute etc..
Kids are here half the time. They share custody. I have no line of communication with BM. She does not wish to have one with me. Which is fine. (I’m thrilled about it frankly) However, this woman still feels comfortable coming in the house when I am not home. SO never changed the locks, and had never seen a problem with her coming in to grab a soccer bag, or drop something off etc.. She was even here in the pool one day. I’ve had numerous conversations about this and it’s improved. SO and I have a very clear understanding that she is not to come in the house unless I’m aware and I approve the reason. I’m fair enough to not even mention revoking her key.. in case of an actual emergency. Something I’m second guessing now.
She came into the house yesterday without my knowledge,or SO’s knowledge bc she was let in by her mother who was watching the kids for a couple hours. She was picking the kids up and She needed to grab a gymnastics outfit for her daughter, that she had forgot. I wouldn’t have even known she was in the house at all.. had she not decided to write on our calendar on the refrigerator. She wrote an event for the kids, that the kids supposedly asked her to do.
This woman is not cool with me. In fact, she’s ignored my attempt to open a line of communication. She comes no where near the house when I’m around..didnt “want to impose” when she was invited in after trick or treating. But then comes in and writes on our family calendar? Huh???
SO doesn’t see this as anything intentional. Says the kids asked her to write it.. no big deal.
"Manage SO's relationships" ?
Uh, no adults get a say in their own relationships. I get it, you do not like it, I would not either. But if I ever heard that my DH was trying to manage my relationships, I would be livid.
I raised my eyebrows at that
I raised my eyebrows at that comment too.
I meant manage my feelings
I meant manage my feelings regarding some unhealthy boundaries and some emeshment. Lol. I dont manage anything for him. I;m here so I can get feedback on how I can better manage these situations, for myself and my relationship.
sheesh
In some of omy other posts
In some of omy other posts Ive described the poor boundaries and relentless actions of BM and the ex-in laws. Ive described that the situations are always difficult to "manage." In other words, set boundaries and preserve our relationship.
What a huge power play on her
What a huge power play on her part - waltzing in your house whenever she feels like it. Ask your SO if he'd be OK with your ex walking in whenever he wants to visit the kids (or the dog, or whatever).
I'd have an issue with that, no one comes in my house unless I trust them implicitly and they have my permission. If your SO can't see why this is inappropriate, and why you might want to make it YOUR home as well, then this is not the relationship for you.
Change the locks on your own and don't give BM (or the kids) a key. It's your home too now, and you get a say over who comes in without your permission.
I wouldn't put up with that even ONCE, much less repeatedly. And the fact that your SO cares more about BM's needs than yours, speaks volumes. Why do you put up with this?
^^^^^^^^^^^ what Tog said 100
^^^^^^^^^^^ what Tog said 100%
I don't see anything right with this. I get that this was a house that they shared and he bought her out but I personally would not have felt comfortable living in a space that they both shared. Not sure if this is of any interest to you but would you both consider selling the house and getting a house of your very own with no memories of BM?
Her having the key is a hell no and this in and out she's doing is a hill to die on for me. I just can't mentally process that even happening. I hope you can create stronger boundaries with him because BM has too much freedom & is violating personal space.
There are no magic words that
There are no magic words that will help you with this situation, honestly. The boundaries are poor, but everyone expects that and is alright with it except YOU, so if/when your SO sets limits on BM and GMA, of course, they will blame you. Rightly so, because if you didn't care about it, SO would just continue as things are. The only way out of this is for SO to man up and tell BM that now that you are living there, the locks are changing, and he'd appreciate it if she would treat your joint home just as she would a neightbor's home. Knock on the door, stay in the entryway, don't come in without permission even if the kids invite her.
BUT, if she was a reasonable person, she would have already been respecting that this home is no longer hers, but she doesn't. So she will get very upset and you will then be in the line of fire. And how do you tell BM's mother that she can't let her daughter in the house? You can't. So that means finding other child care other than GMA if you MUST have someone in your home. Or changing jobs, or finding new babysitters, or whatever.
There is no easy way out of this mess, and while you say your SO supports you, I don't see him doing anything to stop any of this. And when he finally tries, all hell will break loose, and then he will resent you for making him set limits.
I agree with Tog.
This is a helluva situation you are in with no easy answers.
I think the advice to have your SO settle this with BM is about the only alternative right now. He needs to decide whether letting BM having free reign of the house is worth your unhappiness at her doing so. While he personally doesn't seem to care if she comes and goes as she pleases, he should care about how it affects you.
If he is serious about being in a committed relationship with you and wants you to continue to live there, he needs to address this. It sounds like the skids are still young so you have a long road ahead of you before BM will be backing out. If he doesn't want to address this, then you will have to decide whether it's a sword worth falling on.
I didn't have this situation with a BM but I had something similar. After my (ex) husband and I were engaged, I found out that he was going over to his ex-wife's house to do laundry and visit the pets. Their divorce had been somewhat amicable and she got the house in the split. He said since she did shift work she wasn't around half the time, or if she was, he didn't really interact with her because the house was big. They had no children.
I made it very clear that as his fiancee, I was not happy about this situation and it needed to stop if he expected to go forward with our marriage. I reminded him that he was divorced from her, that was no longer his house, and he had made a commitment to marry me.
He started going to the laundrymat after that.
I am curious as to why BM and
I am curious as to why BM and the OP's SO are divorced. I mean they should've just stayed together if BM just wanted to walk into a house where the OP helps pay bills. I mean just because you let a dog walk in your house doesn't mean you let it pee all over the place. This BM wants to be in control and she actually is by just walking into her ex's house and writing something on a calendar and then not wanting to come around when OP invites her. OP, if you have a problem with the BM in your house you have every to say so and set boundaries. BM over here isn't even allowed near my house because of the stunts she pulled in the past.
Yes, this is about BM keeping
Yes, this is about BM keeping power and control over the situation. If SO sets limits, all hell will break loose.
You are in a bad place EX old home, MIL babysitting, SO
Did not change locks. They are doing what they want, you have no say. That would tick me off also. First off have to get EX MIL out of your home. Next change the locks, third sell that house and move. If your SO will not move then it’s over, that house and EX is more important than you. You have to be the most important person
I would HATE this! But I'm
I would HATE this! But I'm exceedingly private and don't like people touching my stuff, so ex-wife or anyone else, I'd have an issue with it.
If you SO understands why you don't like BM dropping in, why doesn't he do something about it?
I don't think it can come from you. That would be suicide. But why doesn't he tell BM he's uncomfortable with her popping in?
Maybe he doesn't feel he can open that can of worms -- these men are such wimps. So the next best (or possibly better) option is to lie. Why not change the locks and when BM asks why she can't get in, tell her one of you lost your house keys and you changed them because there was identifying info on your key ring? Or you could say your purse was stolen with all your info and keys in it. If she asks for a key, he can tell her "yea, we'll get you one" and just never do it, or tell her the expense to change the locks was a lot and having your private info stolen has you shaken, so you're keeping extra keys to a mininum. Tell her a neighbor has a key, so if there's ever an emergency, she can go there to get it.
A lot of this stuff happens because it's how it was always done -- BM lived there, so to her, letting herself in was how it was always done. You just need a disruption to how it was always done. Lying is so very useful when you have no natural disruption.
If you think your husband might not go for this, change the locks and tell him the same damn lie you tell the rest of them. No one should be popping in and WRITING ON YOUR CALENDAR! I would so freak out!!!!
I can definitely understand
I can definitely understand your frustration with this situation. There is zero chance I would want my DH's EX in our home if we were not present. I think this absolutely is a boundary that you should be able to ask for. I'm not sure how old the kids are.. but can't they pop in the house on their own to retrieve a forgotten item?
A slight complication is your DH's reliance on his EX MIL to do baby sitting. I actually wouldn't want my husband's ex's mother in my home either. If she watches them,..it should be in her own home not yours.
I think you should have another conversation with your husband. I think that the locks should be changed and that a different person should be designated to have an "emergency" key. Emergency is not sally forgot her tutu.. it's the oven was left on or there is a broken pipe. Maybe even get all fancy pants and put in one of those electronic locks that can be opened and locked remotely and have key codes that can be given out and deleted according to need?
Put the electronic lock on... don't give the EX a code but if an emergency arises and it is life or death that she needs access to the home?... pop her out a one use code for that specific time and need.
I have cameras on all of the
I have cameras on all of the entrances to my home. I get a notification on my phone if a person is spotted and I can see the video. If ANYONE enters my home without my permission the police will be there in 5 minutes. I live about 3 blocks from the police station and my little town has almost no crime.
This would be a hard no from
This would be a hard no from me. It's confusing why your SO continues to allow it. I understand you disagree on it, and he doesn't see the big deal. But at the end of the day, it's your house too, and if EITHER of you feel uncomfortable with a specific person coming into the house, especially when you are not at home, for me it's a no-brainer- that person does not get to come into the home. Why is it such a big deal to say no?
BM is probably in disbelief herself that she is allowed to come there, especially when you aren't home. Neither of you has any idea what she is doing, and I'm sorry, but human nature is to snoop, especially on your ex-husband's new wife. I agree with what someone else said, change the locks yourself! Tell your DH you didn't feel safe. End of problem.
She is asserting yourself in
She is asserting yourself in an environment she feels she is still privy to and using the kids to get away with it.
Her mother was watching your SKS in your home?
Yeah, I wouldn't allow that. They should spend time together at HER house. And this isn't meant to imply she's a bad person but rather to establish boundaries between your SO's ex family and his new one.
It's inappropriate to walk into anyone's house uninvited and I see no reason she should have a key...ever.
Your SO should respect your feelings in that while you have no issue with her on a personal level she is way too comfortable in your home.
I mean, he should have set boundaries a while back. She's not a 'friend'. She's an ex. And the mother of his childreb. That should be their only reason to be around each other peruod.
I mean in your pool?
Come on, I would be furious.
The only time I ever allowed my SO'since ex in our home was when I specifically invited her in to come pick up her kids-it we cold outside.
Other than being cordial you should not have to sacrifice your comfort.
I mean you wouldn't waltz into her house, because it would be imposing your presence where it's not wanted. Not to mention it's rude.
Again, she seems too comfortable and part of that is probably because she still views that home as her own. And she's keeping a stake in it.
Another part of that could be that she wants to make her presence known so you 'know your place' in her kids life and her exes life.
I would ask her to refrain from barging in unless you have expressly consented for her to come in the home.
Don't approach it with her at all.
You live there. Call a locksmith and have the locks rekeyed. No need to discuss it with DH.
Then inform him that you will no longer be paying bills on a home that is not yours. Have him put you on the deed or ... sell and buy another home that will truly be your marrital home.
Keep it simple.
In a marriage it is my opinion that when one person is on the yes side of the issue (say the access of an XW or XH to the home of a new blended family marriage) the NO vote gets the Veto power. Of course if the reverse is voted on (do we want to rekey the locks so that the X can't come in" then the YES vote gets the Veto power.
That situation sucks
Ill be to the point.
Ive commented on this issue many times. BM Toxic Troll has no respect for anyones boundaries, in our situation, she is not ever allowed to come into our home, ever, not after all her shenanigans, and busint in calling us names one morning (a whole story there)
So, yes, as an SO, that pays the bills and is living in the home , you absolutely have a say in who comes in.
The fact that she is not even acknowledging your presence and wants nothing to do with you and is rejecting your offerings of "hey lets be cordial" - that right there would get her 86'ed out of MY home. HOw helpful of exMIL, and yeah, you cannot tell her not to let her own daughter in, so hopefully you can find other arrangements.
Some great advice here - many of us have issues with toxic BMs with no respect for boundaries.
I am very soon, going to change the locks because Toxic Feral Eldest, who used to live with us, and has a key, is no longer welcome. She also used to just bust in after not being around for a long time, at 3 am, we are "what is THAT". After her last blast at DH, about us and the toxic sludge she hurled, I am no longer alloweing her to have instant access to MY home.
Yes, if the BM's intentions
Yes, if the BM's intentions were good in any way she would not hesitate to have a cordial relationship with her exes SO.
The fact is she simply has no respect.
And she doesn't want to acknowledge OP because of this lack of respect.
She'd rather try to bulldoze their relationship and the order in their home with her shenanigans.
That's the best thing you could do CLove, change the locks.
You have every right to change a situation that makes you uncomfortable in your own home.
You do not have to share your sanctuary with toxic people and their negative energy.
Change the Locks~ and get a new sitter!!!
You definitely need to change the locks and get the former mother in law out of your house!!!
A conversation with your SO explaining all of this is in order as well but I am not sure how you feel about doing that.
He needs to understand what he is asking of you by not understanding your feelings in this situation. No one wants to feel like their home is not their own space to do as they please with. Expecting you to understand or tolerate the Mother in Law babysitting there is absolutely crazy!!! Let a lone the ex-wife coming into your home at all but when your not home and My God I can't even address the writing on the calendar part. There are no words!!!!!!
He sure has a lot of nerve asking you to deal with any of that !!!! It is like he is expecting you to join his already existing family instead of moving on and starting a new life with you. He should be thankful and understanding that you are willing to live in that house as to not upset the kids lives but with that understanding on your part comes a big huge understanding of the boundaries that need to be set on his side with the ex and the mother in law!!
I would be selling up and
I would be selling up and buying a house you share together with no past!
Security cameras are a
Security cameras are a blessing. Get one that sends an alert to your phone as soon as motion is detected on the cameras. I recommend Arlo. Sure it won't stop her but it's a start.