O/T: inappropriate workplace drama
I’ve been working part time for a few months. I love my job. LOVE it. The one and only downside is that I work with someone who I’ve known for a long time - longer than I’ve known my husband. Someone who has always given off the vibe that he wanted to be more than just platonic friends. In fact, he had a mini meltdown when he found out that my now DH and I moved past the just friends part and started dating.
But, let me back-up a little prior to DH entering my life. This person and I never dated. Never. We photographed a couple venues together, and talked work over tea, in a tea house, a few times. We’re connected via social media. That is the extent of it.
Fast forward to now. This person is ALL UP in wanting to be a constant fixture in my life. Was texting me multiple times DAILY, since I started working here, until I told him to stop. I have since blocked his number. Now he messages me through Facebook messenger every few days or so. Mostly, I don’t respond.
I realize this is a weak stance to have, but I feel as though if I were to delete him from my social media, he would lash out in some vindictive way. It’s as if he feels he got me this job (he didn’t) and that I somehow owe him.
Today, a co-worker told me that this person told her that he used to date me. He also told her that my marriage is most likely “On the outs.” I was shocked - and boiling mad, though I didn’t say or visibly show that to my co-worker. Now I’m wondering who else he told this at work.
He also asks for hugs when he sees me at work. Ew.
He’s needy and manipulative. I know these things from my past experiences around him.
I’m at a loss what to do - if anything, out of fear that he’ll freak out in some fashion. I really don’t want to bring this drama to the upper management at work, but it’s beginning to really take a toll on me.
Advice?
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Cease and desist letter from
Cease and desist letter from an attorney may put a stop to it. Document every time someone brings false information to you about him. If he keeps going, you'll have to tell HR and provide documentation of what has been relayed back to you.
Thanks! The company is so
Thanks! The company is so small that there isn’t a Human Resources department per se, but I get where you’re going with this.
Document. Document.
How awful!
Documenting is always a good thing. Maybe put it in an email that you want him to stop talking to you and about you at work, and want to remain on a purely professional relationship. That way, you also have documentation that you are letting him know your boundaries. Don’t apologize and don’t explain. Just put it out there that you have always considered him a colleague only.
Good luck! This is slightly disturbing and scary!
Thank you!
Thank you!
It IS disturbing. I think I was just trying to brush it off at first, but I can’t any longer.
No hugs at work
Just no. I hope you don’t accept his hugs.
I absolutely do not accept
I absolutely do not accept his hugs. It’s super predatory, and controlling. I hate it.
You need to go to your boss.
You need to go to your boss. This is harassment. Plain and simple.
I work for a small company- I
I work for a small company- I am controller and HR.
If anyone in my company came to me about this issue, I would have a meeting with him and let him know that he is being cited for harassment and if it happens again and if there is any attempts at retaliation against any employees he will be terminated. I would also not disclose who made the complaint. We aren't in a court of law and I don't have to, that can remain confidential for the first reporting. The next time it happens I would have to disclose it upon termination.
Thank you!
Thank you!
It seems he feels since he knows me on a personal level outside of work, and long before I ever started working here, that he has some sort of ‘ownership’ over me. Maybe that’s not the right word, but it’s totally what it feels like.
It also creeps me out that he’s using me as some sort of bragging rights to our co-workers. I’m feeling rather scorched earth about it, in all honesty.
Go ahead and block him on
Go ahead and block him on social media. You owe him any explainations. If he is texting- dont respond. If he calls, let it go to voicemail. He will get the clue eventually.
I am in the same line of work
I am in the same line of work and I 100% agree.
Please do tell someone of authority.
I second going to your boss.
I second going to your boss.
We, as women, often feel we're being "dramatic" when we have to stand up for ourselves against inappropriate male behavior. I've been there before. We all have. It's not fair and it's not ok. This is how things escalate. I bet every woman, and at least some men, in your workplace will be impressed that you handled it professionally instead of backing down into a corner and letting this creep bother you day after day.
Stand up for yourself. You don't deserve this and you've done nothing to initiate it.
Thank you so much for this. I
Thank you so much for this. I really needed to hear these words.
I agree, at least have the
I agree, at least have the convo with your boss and see what recommendations she/he has. This is really creepy. "Normal" people get it when you tell them to stop or don't respond to repeated messages. When those things don't work, it makes me feel like that person is "off". And that can get really bad. I hope you get this resolved. Keep us posted on what happens!
I have had something odd happen to me recently too, kind of similar. I am a Real-Estate agent (in addition to my full-time job), and I signed on to work for a guy I've been friends with for 25 years. Our friendship has always been strictly platonic, and if I'm honest the thought of anythng romantic with him makes my stomach turn. I'm not attracted to him whatsoever, and he can be quite obnoxious at times. We have always hung out in a group setting. He recently went through a divorce, (I went to his wedding and know his wife), and I always wondered how she could stand to be married to him- he is a big personality and she is a cute, normal woman. He married up, honestly. Anyway, there are 2 other female realtors that work in our office, and I'm friendly with them. One day, right in front of me, my "friend" told one of the women that we used to date. I was shocked and said that absolutely did not happen. She said he had already told her this once before. He went on to describe the "date" (20 yrs ago)- He said we went out somewhere and then watched a movie at my house and we made out and he was kissing my chest (except he used the word t*ts, which I hate, especially in this scenario). I honestly was horrified and felt really violated- this 100% never happened. I would never have even kissed him. Turns out he had also told the other female Realtor that we dated. I was so embarrassed and angry that he felt that was an appropriate thing to say to anyone, and it wasn't even true! The creepy thing is that he believed it did happen. Since I've been working with him I've seen a lot of behavior that has changed my opinion of him, and he isn't someone I would choose to be friends with today. (Once we were at a conference, and a girl he was dating was snapchatting him nude pics and sexual messages, and he was reading them to me and showing us the pics, which is really disrespectful and gross to me). I put in the paperwork last week to change Real Estate agencies, so I will no longer be working for this idiot.
OMG. I cringed repeatedly
OMG. I cringed repeatedly while reading this. This guy’s behavior is similar to the one I work with and it’s so repulsive.
This morning I removed
This morning I removed/blocked him from Facebook, Messenger, and Instagram. He has absolutely no way to contact, or engage with me (with the exception of work, around other people) now. We work in different departments, on opposite ends of a large warehouse, so to engage with one another it does involve some effort. The upside being, it’s not difficult to avoid ever having to engage, let alone literally see him, too.
We’ll see how this goes. Hoping he doesn’t lose his damn mind.
If he engages you again or
If he engages you again or says anything about you to anyone else, please say something!
This kind of behavior can go from 0 to 100 real fast.
Well, that didn’t take long.
Well, that didn’t take long.
He took full notice that I blocked him on all platforms, apparently.
Now I have a few pending friend requests on Facebook from co-workers. And even though I like these people IRL, there’s absolutely no way I’m accepting these requests. Plus, I’m not the type of person to mix work life with personal life anyway - like ever, outside of being blindsided with this person and their attempts to hold me emotionally hostage BS.
This feels all sorts of intrusive and wrong. It’s no mystery that this person in sending in others to do his emotional vying. I just can’t with this. It’s too much and so, SO uncalled for. It’s angering me way more than I should allow it to, even though I feel that my anger is completely justified.
This is obsessive right? Obsessive behavior and I should be concerned?
My next work day is tomorrow. Thankfully, this person doesn’t work Saturday.
Yes, obsessive. Normal people
Yes, obsessive. Normal people take a hint and move on. I would say if he does anything else at all to approach you or make you uncomfortable, go to your boss. No matter what, let your boss know what is happening.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And, yes, she (boss) knows ALL the details now. Per my boss, this co-worker couldn’t wrap his head around anyone asking him for no-contact. As in, he just wasn’t okay with it. She had to reiterate to him that indeed it *was* okay and that he had to absolutely abide by it. At least within the walls of our place of work.
It has been nice and quiet at work for almost a week now - and hoping it stays this way.