Disengagement according to DH
I’ll preface this with - I NEVER announced my disengagement to anyone.
After Father’s Day, and the events that ensued, DH is now well aware that I’m selectively very low contact/disengaged from skid and his parents. He’s also in the midst of a serious self-loathing funk, and I’m not a fan.
Weirdly and surprisingly, his one and only comeback in this discussion was that he “didn’t want to have to play middle man.”
Confused, I press and press what he means by this. He states that this is going to suck, as he is going to have to play middle man when it comes to his “mom asking how momjeans and the kids are, because momjeans doesn’t respond to MIL’s texts, opts out of meal gatherings, etc.”
I told him this is a no-brainer. To not engage with his mom’s very on the surface inquires. I’m busy and he is most definitely busy. He doesn’t HAVE to play into it. Also, his mom only inquires about me and the kids to appease DH. This I KNOW TO BE TRUE.
I’m like “Huh?! This is going to be a problem for YOU? That’s what you’re choosing to take away from this?!”
I’m seriously confuzzled. As in, how’s this all of a sudden a problem and inconvenience for YOU that I consciously choose to bow out of YOUR family and ongoing skid drama?
I feel like I’m being majorly gaslighted, or at the very least guilt-tripped and sidelined here, no?
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I disengaged from my MIL too.
I disengaged from my MIL too. She drives DH nuts but not my problem, she is HIS mom, not mine. I chose if and when I talk to her. She is getting older, faced death a few years ago so I forced him to talk to her. He didn't like it at first but he knows that now I won't deal with her and if she calls I let it go to voice mail and tell him she called. Let's face it, she'd much rather hear from her own kid than me.
He is reacting to realizing he will have to deal with his mother. hahahaha. I didn't tell my DH and I suggest you let him whine about it and keep on keeping on. Don't listen to it and more importantly don't make a bigger deal out of it. He wants a fight about it. Just shrugg your shoulders and plead ignorance on how to solve it for him. It took about 6 months for the new norm to settle in but DH knows now.
Makes sense - thank you!
Makes sense - thank you!
Duh - DH I've checked out.
Duh - DH I've checked out. You are not in the middle. You are on the firing line. Good luck with that.
This makes sense as well.
This makes sense as well. Like, have I been a buffer all this time between him and his mom?! Ha!
Thank you!
That is exactly what you have
That is exactly what you have been, and your DH certainly wasn't complaining when you were acting as middleman for him. his crazy family, his responsibility. And if he'd been handling his business in the first place, you wouldn't have had to disengage.
I was my DH's buffer, human shield , call it what you will, for many years. I would bring an issue to him, only to have him minimalize or dismiss it. This was especially true concerning OSD. I finally disengaged. And once I stepped aside after nearly two decades, it took less than six months for my DH to realize what a flaming bi!ch his daughter is.
When we are in the equation, all too often we block the view and prevent our SOs from learning the hard lessons life has set for them. We talk so much about the lack of consequences for our skids, but how many of us are getting in the way of our SOs' consequences? Something to consider...
You nailed it - thank you!
You nailed it - thank you!
Like other posters have said,
Like other posters have said, your DH is only whining as he realizes you have put the responsibility of his family where it belongs. On his shoulders. Like most good head-in-the-sanders (my DH is one as well), this is forcing him to do the one thing ostriches hate doing: facing problems head on instead of pretending they don't exist.
He probably knows darn well this isn't your fault but he's having a temper tantrum. Like when toddlers do this, just ignore it. Poor baby will just have to grow up and learn to solve his own problems. Ya know, like adults should do.
Enjoy your peace of mind
Like most good head-in-the
Ahhhh. So much this. I’ve thought to myself lately that his is totally in the sand. Thank you!