Were there moments that indicated the future, and you just didn't know?
There is a saying, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time." I've been thinking of that a lot lately, but in the context of stepfamily.
I am a planner. I talk things to death. I read every word I can find on any subject that pertains to me, and I try to find a solution to every possible outcome before I jump in, so of course, I talked with my husband a lot about stepfamily things before we moved in together. I had seen some concerning things about his son's behavior, but he was so young at that point, I thought it would be easy to correct with consistent discipline and firm boundaries. These things had worked fine for my kids, so I thought this would be fine if he would just let me take the lead on that sort of thing, like my previous partner had.
There was a moment in one of these conversations where my husband told me exactly what being a stepparent to his son would be like, and it haunts me to this day, because I should have run right then.
He said, "I know I won't have as much time with [stepson] as I want, but when he comes over, it is all about [stepson]."
I said, "That is ridiculous. He is one member of this large family we have. Our lives when he comes over are not all about him any more than they're all about me, or you, or any single one of my kids the rest of the time. It's about all of us, whoever that is at any time. We will welcome him into our home. We will treat him like one of us. We will NOT roll out the red carpet because the prince just showed up. We'll all hate him within a week if you expect this of us, not because we want to, but because that's how people learn to resent each other."
He seemed to understand, but I don't think he actually did. No, that moment where he told me, wide-eyed and in the calmest voice I've ever heard him use, that "when he comes over, it's all about [stepson]", was the moment he told me what my life would be like, and I wish I had believed him.
Did anyone else have a moment like that?
Oh Yes
Before a trip to Chicago where we'd be spending the first weekend ever with his kids and my child. He told me that after that trip, I could then decide, "whether you can stand being around us or not". During that weekend, he walked ahead of us holding their hands as if we were not even there, his son threw a fit about a restaurant, both his kids complained about my seven year old's normal talking, and he backed them up by telling my son to be quiet (rather than explaining this was a young child who was just excited), and he yelled at me for taking my child to the hotel pool without inviting his teens (who I thought were old enough that they would go to the pool when they wished without being invited). When I did get a little irritated, he said he should have broken up with me right then. Well, he was right, I could NOT stand them. Not that weekend or through the next five years that I spent with them. I was so stupid to just keep on after that first trip.
I should have picked up on
I should have picked up on the lunch they scheduled with daddee when we were dating and he told me I was not invited; they wanted their "private time."
That's the only kind of time they have now, after years of being excluded when/how they dictated to daddeee what he had to so to see them. And of course the good puppy dog was scared to not comply, regardless of how it hurt the wife. He eagerly says yes everytime, no questions asked.
I should have stopped all of it right then and there....it was a big red flag, but I thought "I" was being selfish. The best was yet to come...:-).
My two biggest mistakes were
My two biggest mistakes were
I was working sixty hours per week when we started dating, so I simply didn't put enough effort into getting to know DH's family. Even after he moved in with me (less than a mile away from his father's house), DH didn't spend time there, or with his younger sisters. He was open about the fact that his mother was an alcoholic, and that he had stepped back from her due to this. He simply wasn't interested in being around his family, so I didn't get to be around them much. Red Flag.
The first holiday I spent with them - Christmas at the home of his mother's boyfriend. (also nearby - none of these people have branched out much). Everyone was overly cheerful. DH's mom was very sweet to me. Her boyfriend sat in the living room, chain drinking cans of beer from a case next to his faded recliner. As he finished each beer, he dropped the empty on the floor. I remember making eye contact with DH's youngest sister (19 at the time, first I'd met her). We looked at the steadily growing mountain of empty beer cans, then back at each other. She shrugged. DH"s oldest sister was there, sporting a big ace bandage around her arm where it bends. When I asked about her injury, Middle Sister nonchalantly repl ied, "Oh, that's just her glory hole." When we opened gifts, DH's mother gave me a nightshirt with a sexually suggestive phrase on it. Everyone roared with laughter while I squirmed. Red Flag much?
Exjuliemccoy, YOU PUT ME
Exjuliemccoy, YOU PUT ME RIGHT IN THAT HORRIBLE ROOM, whether I wanted to be or not!!! What a writer!
I especially enjoyed, "...chain drinking cans of beer from a case next to his faded recliner. As he finished each beer, he dropped the empty on the floor..."
Have you ever read Raymond Carver? You gotta pick up his "Cathedral" collection of short stories! Your writing is a little more Flannery O'Connor, what with the miserable people just doin' what they do and lettin' it allllll hang out, but I think you'd enjoy Carver.
Now I gotta figure out if I dare lookup "glory hole." I might have to pause a moment.
Thanks, MF. That's very kind
Thanks, MF. That's very kind of you to say. Flannery O'Connor, what a compliment.
Oh, the stories I could tell. DH's siblings have such a skewed idea of normal. The mother's addiction, coupled with the father's enabling and enmeshment with his daughters, created a dynamic with little boundaries.
And there I was, little Suzie Fixer. Arrogance and naivity, mixed with codependent tendancies. Who was I to think I could effect any change in that mess? My DH had coped by avoiding. I should have respected his choice instead of trying to please everyone and facilitate closer relationships.
If you don't want to know what glory hole refers to, don't read on:
It's slang for the preferred injection site of an IV drug user. Dirty needles + poor hygiene can cause infection, and apparently DH's addict sister had a large, infected wound in her arm. *shudders*
Ha, ha, ha! Just goes to show
Ha, ha, ha! Just goes to show we learn the language of those with whom we hang...
My gay friends told me "glory hole" is something quite different
Never mind, though. It's never too late to jump on the avoidance wagon, but it won't stoke your creative writing nearly as much as the crazies
Like so many others, there
Like so many others, there were so many warning signs that my SDs were going to be difficult. But one sticks out in my mind. DH and the SDs went bowling with my family. It was a weekly event and the kids would often bowl one game and then go play in the arcade. My two SDs were the only kids that needed their dad attached at the hip. He couldnt even socialize with the adults because they constantly ran over, interrupting the conversation to grab "daddy's" hand. They were 11 and 9. Then when it was time to go, he refused to buy them each a toy out of this machine. SD11 started screaming at the top of her lungs in front of everyone. And SD9 started bawling and crawled underneath furniture and refused to come out. So what does my DH do? He gives in and buys them each TWO toys.
After he left, my dad pulled me aside and told me to think hard about marrying him. Luckily for me, he stopped the Disney dad crap and became a good parent. But yeah I should have seen the numerous behavior problems that were going to play such a big part of my everyday life.
Yes! Early in our dating, we
Yes! Early in our dating, we met for dinner one night after work and SS (away at college at the time) called and DH taked to him through much of dinner. After he hung up, he apologized and made a comment about needing to catch them when you can because college kids have such a hectic schedule. I remember driving home that night thinking that if something like that happened again, I would just leave the restaurant and probably not see DH again. It didn't happen again but was certainly an indication of the future.
My now DH did something like
My now DH did something like this, except he walked out of the restaurant and left me and my daughter sitting there the entire meal. We finished our meal and were boxing up the left overs when DH walked back in after talking to skids. I had the waitress split the check, DH looked panicked and not sure what to do. I told him I was heading back to my house, I would drive him to the nearest hotel because he had come to visit me and I didn’t want to be rude like him and leave him stranded (he was staying at my house, he had flown to visit me). We were just dating at the time. I let him stay the last few days and suggested he move his flight date up to go back home. He kissed butt and begged me to give him another chance. The first few years with DH were ridiculous but he has changed immensely or he would have stayed something I took out of a box and played with occasionally. Skid and BM issues are now minimal. We have 3 more years till the oldest one ages out and 6 more years for the youngest one. Next year I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Good on you, Daniella. I've
Good on you, Daniella. I've always enjoyed your logical, matter of fact approach to life..
Oh yes. At least a handful.
Oh yes. At least a handful.
When DH and I were just dating, he would occasionally have to perform “damage control” with skid after one of BM’s verbal or physical public outbursts in front of skid. Sometimes in front of me. This was basically DH spending some quality one on one time with a very young skid over dinner, then shopping for a “I love you” gift. Barf.
When our oldest DD was 4 months old, we moved back to his home state. It was also where my terminally ill mom lived and was just put into hospice. We were staying at DH’s parent’s house while searching for a place. One day, my MIL cornered me in a room to inform me “Skid is the most important person in all of this (meaning divorce, in moving 2000+ miles away, etc). She’s my main priority. Not you guys.” Had I known then how much MIL’s pernicious BS would cause us grief, for many years, I would have set her straight right then and there.
That summer we went on a family vacation to the beach. MIL had an epic meltdown when DH told her it wasn’t okay for BM to text and call skid the entire time. MIL told me and DH that we needed “to get over ourselves” and that we just “need to be friends with BM.” Side note: MIL is “friends” with FIL’s first wife, who he had two children with, and it is awkward at best. Very on the surface fake weirdness.
My in-laws didn’t take it well, at all, when I told them I wasn’t going to toe the line and play babysitter to skid all summer, every summer. And since my in-laws are all about putting on the one big happy family show, I’m pretty sure my MIL feels this reflects badly on her. That I won’t lay down for BM like a dog, or anyone else for that matter.
Yes, one big forshadowing
...came before we were married, before DH got custody. I took now-SS (then 12) to the range & let him shoot one of my rifles. He was trained on pellet guns & already knew all about gun safety. However, since his BM trained-by-example that rules don't apply to them, SS proceeded to rapid-fire, which we made clear is not allowed at this range (= have to wait 2 seconds between shots). So the Range Master came over & corrected him... then SS did it again!
Needless to say, that was just a hint of the disrespect & disdain SS has toward authority. It was also the last time SS ever got to shoot my firearms. But it was an eye-opener, and he has since then gone on to smash any possibility of me trusting him ever again.
My husband told me SD heard
My husband told me SD heard my voice on his answering machine shortly after we started dating. She flipped out, had a tantrum and wouldn't see him for two years. Ditto when he told her we were getting married.
I am also an over-thinking planner, so it took a while for me to figure out how this happened.
Husband assured me SD was happy for us. She agreed to be in our wedding when I asked, so I had all these mixed messages from both of them.
But there were signs: After we got engaged, she repeatedly cancelled dinners for us to get to know each other -- husband always had an excuse for her. I'd say, "I'm not sure she's taking this well -- don't you think we ought to deal with this now? Maybe see a therapist?" He'd assure me, "She's happy for us!"
Whenever we planned any outing together early on, she wouldn't show the first one or two times we'd schedule it. We'd sit around all day waiting for her, thinking she hit traffic, got a late start. We'd finally call her and she'd still be at home because she "got a tummy ache." The next time we'd reschedule it, she'd show up hours late with no apology and no excuse. I wondered, WTH, why isn't he asking her why she's four hours late? She didn't need an excuse -- he always had one for her.
Cognitive Dissonance, aka
pi$$ing on your leg while telling you it's raining. The words and action simply don't match, or the spin put on things doesn't remotely jibe with your own interpretation of events.
I was fed a lot of it by various members of DH's family. They're also big on rugsweeping and guzzling Kool-Aid.
There is a moment I've
There is a moment I've thought about often that really indicated how things with my wife's youngest son would be like. Before my wife and I were married, I went on a trip to visit her. We lived in different states at the time. While I was there, her youngest son (who was 15 at the time) cornered her in her kitchen, screaming at her about what a horrible mother she is. My wife was bewildered and embarassed that her son was doing this. My wife's oldest son, who I get along great with, looked and me and whispered "just stop...", wishing that his younger brother would get himself under control. Later that weekend, the youngest son told me that if I want to be with his mom, then I'm going to have to learn how to live with him. I never did learn how to live with him. My wife's youngest son eventually caused so much disruption in our lives with his rage, escalating violence, and drug use that we (at my insistence) stopped allowing him in the house. He went to live with his dad, and eventually ended up in a boarding home. I haven't seen him for about 2 1/2 years. He's in an inpatient facility somewhere in California now. I don't know how he's doing, and I don't ask. He's spit so much venom at me over the last few years that I am totally disengaged from him.
Sure did. There were several
Sure did. There were several that I was too blind to see. One was the cyclical relationship H has with HCBM. It goes great for a while, then he does something she doesn’t like and it’s war (usually involving me). I would be happy with complete indifference at this point, instead of this exhausting up and down.
Another is my asshole SS13. He is a detriment to my marriage and home. The night before we got married (in our home,) I asked him to clean up his room since my parents hadn’t seen the house yet. He gets pissy and snaps, ‘when are you going to leave so my life can go back to normal?’ When we would go out to eat while we were dating, he would ask why I ‘was allowed to have a soda and not’ him. Just too many examples. He has the worst attention-seeking behavior I have ever seen and will try to monopolize every conversation my husband and I have.
A lot of the problems I have is because I try to parent the boys (other SS10 loves me), and because they’re used to their mother being a friend, I come across as the jerk. How dare I make them have sheets on their beds and throw their dirty clothes in the hamper? I’ve totally ruined SS13’s life by trying to teach him how to person.
Lots of red flags.....38
Lots of red flags.....38 years of investment, I ignore them now. LOL
That said, I wonder where I would have been, had I paid attention.
When I met OSD for the first
When I met OSD for the first time at a restaurant for her birthday (her 27th), and she put her new purse on the table and wanted everyone to worship it (and threw in a few comments to me about how close she and daddy were), I should have walked away.
When a few months later she called DH screaming on the phone that her credit card was overdrawn and she needed $700 for new glasses, I should have walked away.
When a few months later she was marking her territory with me, casually telling me she could get her father to do whatever she wanted, including bail her out, I should have walked away.
When she was crying to her dad, with my mother present, that she had been waiting on a ring from her boyfriend for 5 years, but daddy was getting married after just 1 year, I should have walked away.
When everyone was giving toasts the night before our wedding, and she said "now I can't go to my dad's house whenever I want!' as her toast, I should have just walked away.
When before our wedding when I was helping my young children with their clothes, and DH was across the room consoling his 28 and 26 year old daughters, and I see the minister looking me across the room with a "what on earth are you doing" look on his face, I should have walked away.
This is just the dumb $hit she did before we get married, and we all know how they ramp up after the wedding. And that she did.
I should have walked away, not because of her and how ridiculously immature she is, but because DH just patted her on the back.
I do not know why this story
I do not know why this story is in my mind now, but I thought I would add it to this old post. I think maybe some people will relate.
My husband got visitation shortly after we moved in together. This visitation started with one day per week, mostly during times I was at work since I was not allowed to be around his son at that time. (His ex demanded that as a condition of him getting visitation.) Then it began to include a weekend day sometimes. On one of those weekend days, my husband decided we would all go to an amusement park. At this time, we had little money because he was paying alimony, but I agreed to amusement park day because he wanted it a lot, and my kids would enjoy it also.
On that day, we went to the amusement park, and his kid was awful. My kids were mostly ok, although I did correct them for running off maybe three or four times. His son rolled in the dirt in a garden and ruined his shirt. Then he ran crazy and hit a hotdog cart and got a bruise on his head. He also almost made an old person fall because he ran close to her feet. He lay on the path and refused to stand up for five minutes because I told him it was not time for ice cream yet. He was awful! I became impatient with this, and suggested I take my kids on some of the rides that his son did not like while he got his son something to eat. He was very offended by this.
When we left, we went to a sandwich shop for dinner. He told me what things his son would maybe eat, and I got him a sandwich with that. I bought one basket of chips for all the kids to share (as I said, we did not have a lot of money) and got us all water to drink. My husband and I shared a large sandwich, and my kids shared one also. His son was the only one who got his own. It seemed ok to me. We all got something.
When our food arrived, I divided it among us. As I did this, his son took the basket of chips and put it in front of him. He said, "Mine! I want!" I said, "You will get some, but so will [my kids]." Then I took the basket, and divided the chips among the kids.
My husband looked at me as if he saw something crazy! He said, "He said he wanted it and you took it from him! What is wrong with you?"
I said, "He has some. They all do. I bought it for them all to share. I asked you if that was good and you said it was."
He said, "But when he saw it, that was the only thing he wanted. Look. He is not eating his sandwich. Chips are all he will eat!"
I said, "Then why did you say yes when I asked if I should buy him a sandwich with the things on it you said he liked?"
He told me he did not say that. Then he told me I favor my own kids and give them anything they want, even food off his son's plate. I reminded him I bought the basket of chips for all the children to share and that he had said that was ok. He became angry with me, took his son to a different table, and bought him another basket of chips, three pastries, a large glass of soda, and a different type of sandwich. He spent more money on that than I had spent on the meal for us all.
When we were in the car to go home, he said, "How dare you ruin [stepson]'s day like that? Who do you think you are? This was his day."
I was confused. I asked, "Why is it his day? You told me his birthday is in April. Today is September. I thought this day was for all of us to have fun together."
He did not speak to me until later when he wanted to complain about his ex-wife and I was the only one there.
I would say that whole day was a huge red flag.
There were so many moments.
There were so many moments. The one that stands out the most was how my significant other expected me to miss a doctors appointment in order to spend time with him and his kids or when he called my phone 15 times when I was an hour later than usual coming home from work (it didn’t seem like concern to me more like control) or him uninviting me on a vacation we had already planned and also inviting me another time to a family event at his mothers house because we were not getting along all because of of conflict we had over his kids behaving poorly and him defending them, me paying for many lunches, vacations and dinners when it was never reciprocated and paying for many of his kids meals when he never offered repayment. This man does not truly care about me.
Yes. When my husband (then
Yes. When my husband (then boyfriend) defended his childrens poor behavior and turned on me because of it. I shouldve paid more attention back then and never gotten into this mess. Nothing has changed and his kids have gotten worse and his defending them continues.
So many moments...
with the words "but she's my daughter" like that exonerates her from any wrong doing. There were so many moments but too numerous to mention.
The time she needed to talk to daddy while on our first vacation, it was not even close to an emergency. Yet it was a situation where he was now on our vacation figuring out what to do for her and fix it. This call on her part couldnt wait 3 more days until we got home.To follow, the entire early courtship was crowded. Oh what a dysfunctional triangle. I became the scapegoat between the two. At the time I didnt want to be an evil woman coming between daddy and the adult daughter.Not wanting to rock the boat, not sure if I was being selfish or unreasonable.
The time where she manipulated a situation to publicaly humiliate me. Hint I was the only one at a dresssy cocktail party dressed in a costume. Yes that really happened, as crazy as it sounds.
So many moments
Omg!!!!
Omg!!!!
Yowza! That also happened in
Yowza! That also happened in a Bridget Jones movie!