Stepkid treated like royalty and I'm expected to be the subject
What I'm about to describe is not an isolated incident. I've talked to my husband about this dozens of times. He doesn't care. Won't seek counseling. Etc.
I was just doing the gardening, and it's very hot today, like 100 degrees and humid. I walked back inside after a couple hours pulling weeds, and there's my bratty stepson in my bedroom with my husband. I said, "Go play. I need to get showered and changed." I was dripping in sweat, so this was obvious. I didn't say it meanly. I was smiling.
My husband goes, "don't speak to him that way! He doesn't have to get out! I want him here! You go somewhere else!" Um, no. This is our room, not his, and he needs to leave now because I need to get this sweaty old sorority t-shirt shirt off my back and my head under a cold shower because I'm about to fall out. Our bathroom has French doors with glass panes and our shower is all glass, so I needed the kid out of my bedroom. I'm not going to take my clothes off in front of him and I'm not going to hide I the toilet part of the bathroom until he decides to leave, or pack all my junk up and hike to the kids' bathroom to shower. No. I pay this mortgage, my name is the only one on the deed, and I will use my nice shower in my bathroom, and that kid will GTFO.
So I finally get him out, and I get into the shower and slip on the kid's swimsuit and a piece of soap shaped like a Transformer, which is leaving a nasty red residue all over the stone floor. I'm about to lose my mind at this point, but I put on my best "bless your heart" voice and said, "honey, did you know that [stepson]'s swimsuit and a bright red soap is in here?"
He totally flips out on me, says, "Yes, I've been letting him shower in here because he likes it better than the shower in the kids bathroom or the guest bathroom because it's bigger and he likes to spray the hose shower out the window. I forgot to take his stuff out of there this time."
So we've had a hundred conversations about how his son needs to stay out of our bathroom, how having adult only space (master bedroom and bathroom, and home office) is important to me, and honestly the only way I've survived parenting my own kids. I need that personal space and I can't stand that he allows and encourages his son to violate that, and then tells ME to go somewhere else because his son has more of a right to hang out in our bedroom, use our shower, leave his crap everywhere, etc, than I do to feel comfortable in a home I pay EVERY bill for.
Now he's not speaking to me because I won't apologize to his 6-year-old for telling him nicely to get out of my bedroom. Happy weekend! Can I go back to work now??
Why is he not paying any
Why is he not paying any bills?
I'd pitch a holy fit and make him scared to cross me ever again.
Also, if you can't shower in your own bedroom / bathroom...I wouldn't be sleeping in there, either. I'd move my ass to the guest room until DH could respect my boundaries.
I had a similar issue (not this egregious...but with allowing skids to be in our room/my office and not taking my desires for personal space seriously.) Next skid weekend, I booked myself a hotel.
It may sound extreme...but it worked. If your DH won't make sure you're comfortable in your own home, you should find a solution yourself...
So stop being nice about it.
So stop being nice about it.
Kid, sweetie, GTHO unless you want to see SM naked and have her toss all these stinky dirty clothes at you.
Ok, sure, you can say it nicer and even with a smile, but my question is why is the child hanging out in your bedroom to begin with. What are Dad and SS doing in there? Is this the absolute only room in the home that whatever they are doing can be done. Yeah, I didn't think so.
This is going to continue until you get across to your DH that you are not going to tolerate it. You said you have had this conversation over and over. Obviously your DH isn't taking what you say seriously and he knows that except to complain to Dh you will do nothing else about the situation.
It's kind of like a kid who ignores his parent because his parent never follows through and hands out any consequences. This kid is six. Think what this will be like when the kid is 10. Then 16.
So what if Dh is pouting and giving you the silent treatment. He's wrong and he knows it.... he just doesn't like it.
He doesn't work to speak of,
He doesn't work to speak of, and claims it's because I'm so awful that he can't get motivated to. That's its own issue. I always knew I made more money than he did, but it wasn't until we moved in together that I realized he's this lazy. He basically sits on his butt all day, and thinks that's ok.
I will not be leaving my bedroom. That is what he wants me to do. He can leave. This is actually the reason he's still here. It's remarkably difficult to throw someone out even if they're totally sponging off you, behave in verbally abusive ways, and contribute nothing. (I've tried.) I'm working on getting everything in line to do this officially, and in a way where he can't take my assets from me. (It helps that we're not legally married. We had a wedding, but for some legal reasons, ended up not getting a marriage license, saying we'd do it later. We never have.) This is complicated and a long process.
Abuse
Babe, verbal abuse is abuse. PERIOD. That's enough to get him out of your house and he can take his child with him. And, I fully support that he's the one who should leave YOUR home that YOU pay for.
Please don't wait too long... we are all here to help if you need a place to vent..
Wow
What is it that makes you want to stay with a man like this? Are you afraid to be alone?
Speak to a lawyer.About your
Speak to a lawyer.
About your quasi or faux marriage status, as well as an eviction order.
If I had to tolerate half of what you write, he would have been tossed out, along with his kid, long ago.
I'm not afraid to be alone
I'm not afraid to be alone and I don't want to stay with him. It is a process. I can't just leave, as so many people have suggested over the years because he's in MY house. I tried to get rid of him and the police wouldn't remove him because he didn't hit me. I have to go through the legal process of evicting him. That means I have to give him about a month and a half notice, and then the constable can remove him. Around here, that usually takes a few weeks. I cannot stay in the house with him during that time (legally, I could, but for my own and my children's wellbeing, we couldn't.) When he is removed, he will proceed to sue me because he feels he's entitled to some of the equity in my house. He's also repeatedly told me if I ever try to get rid of him again, he will destroy me professionally, personally, and in every other way. In other words, I need to retain a very good attorney to get me through that without completely losing everything. Add to that, he's extremely controlling, and monitors every dime I spend, so it's hard to do this.
I have an investment account he knows nothing about, and I've been skimming off my paychecks to fund it. I'm not to where I need to be yet, but I will be if the market stays good. I have to put up with him and the brat until then.
If you are the only one
If you are the only one working, why is he monitoring anything? I'd shut that down right now. I would get my own accounts and refuse to discuss finances with him and refuse to spend money on him or SS.
I have to wonder: is he abusive or are you afraid of him? Your post comes off like you might be. I hope not and he's just verbally abusive, but honestly, ask yourself what you are getting out of this.
I am definitely scared of him
I am definitely scared of him. The police DID NOT CARE. I have to get rid of him on my own, and it's going to be expensive. I held off for two years giving him access to my accounts and such, but I gave him access earlier this year because he was just making my life hell and ultimately I had to get some sleep or I would be in danger at work (I am a scientist and some of my work is lab based and comes with numerous safety precautions) so after a week of him keeping me up all night, I gave him access. He's been monitoring things ever since. I have to get rid of him and I'm working on it. I know what attorney I want to retain and I might be able to sell some Amazon stock to retain her in a couple months if it keeps rising. (I got this idea from a friend who left her abuser by buying and selling Apple stock.)
I'm sorry...
You are going through this. I have been trapped by a controlling man, more than once unfortunately. I honestly have no desire to be in another relationship, I just have no trust left - in others, or myself to choose correctly.
Given you are not married, what is he going to sue you for? Even if you were... he has a son that is 6... how long have you been together... I wouldn't think long enough for alimony, etc...
YOU make ALL of the money, you are NOT married. Cut his ass off... open new accounts he has no access to. What is he going to do? Hit you?
This. Starve him out. You
This. Starve him out. You can't make him leave, but you can have most of the utilities turned off, give him no access to your money, and stop buying food. Put most of your stuff in storage. Make him very very uncomfortable.
You need to hire some biker
You need to hire some biker/redneck/criminal types to come to your house and scare the livng daylights out of that flimsy excuse for a man. I'm not even kidding. Have them bounce him around a bit and warn him how bad things will get for him if he hurts you or doesnt get out, while you're on the phone transfering your $$ to a new account. Then have them follow him around for a few days to really scare him.
Abusers only understand power, so you need a force bigger, meaner, and scarier than him to chase him out of your life. Eviction wont work, because he'll trash your house before leaving.
I thought the same...
If you leave during eviction he may trash it.
Have your kids stay with family (maybe dad?) and you stay. But not just you, hire a private investigator/personal security person. They may work out a special rate given the amount of time; negotiate a flat fee instead of hourly. They can document any damage he causes to the property or any bad behavior.
We don't have any family in
We don't have any family in this country, and their father works abroad, so my kids go with me. I am all they have. I have spoken with one of the security managers at work about measures that can be taken there, but I have to find out what can be done outside of work. I know he will take everything that's in the house, but trashing places has never been his style. He's extremely litigious. He's sued all his ex's for something or other. Harassment via court is his style. That's why I'm preparing for that.
A house full of goods is $$$$
A house full of goods is $$$$$, especially since his lazy @ss didn't pay for any of it.
I am amazed at how many scamming men are out there. You are not alone in falling for such a "man". And people somehow think only women are "gold diggers".
Oh, I feel bad for you. Your
Oh, I feel bad for you. Your Half-ass DH sounds like a jerk.
after reading through your posts quickly, this is what I would try to do:
The house seems like it is in your name only and you are the only one who pays the bills. So, sell the house if you can, take any proceeds and buy your own place if you can.
Meet with good divorce attorneys. Your DH is mentally/verbally playing mind games with you and he is trying to manipulate and bully you..
get all receipts of what you pay for the house, expenses, everything in order to prove you pay all the bills and DH contributes nothing. I doubt any judge would allow your DH any compensation, if, in fact, DH has not contributed anything to begin with.
Record DH being nasty to you.
make sure DH has no access whatsoever to any of your accounts. Talk to the bank manager if you have to. They are very understanding.
make sure DH is not listed as a beneficiary on any of your accounts. You can explain you are in the process of throwing him out, obtaining divorce, etc. and want him removed. It is your account and most places will respect the fact it is your account and you have a choice in who you would like as a beneficiary.
take skids stuff and toss it out of your room. Your house, your room.
Dont buy DH any groceries. If DH has bills in his name you pay, don't pay for them.
Have divorce papers served to him at your house. Requests police officers be present, as you are afraid of what DH will do. I would think they would ask him to leave.
Be strong and don't let him bully you.
best of luck.
I don't know the full back
I don't know the full back story but if my DH didn't respect my need for my personal space on step kid weekends I'd blow a gasket. If I catch SS even LOOKING in the bedroom holy hell breaks loose. I'm sorry - that is my space and mine alone. (of course Dh is allowed in ha!) Vent away -- we are here to listen. I wont' judge as to why you are still with the man I"ve been in a situation before that felt impossible to get out of. I wish you could kick his ass to the curb. Do the kids live with you full time? does he not have to pay child suport?
Why don't you reach out to
Why don't you reach out to some battered women organizations? They might have some strategies for helping you make this transition. They may have attorneys who will guide you for minimal fees or even free. It might help you make early right moves that a paid attorney can work with later when you can afford one.
Document all the meaningful things you do to move your husband out. Keep it somewhere that your husband or er....the guy you live with...can't get to it.
You're smart to go slow and do it right. Be sure someone you trust always knows what's happening in your relationship - that person could be a future witness if this gets ugly.
You could take huge chunks of your money and buy certificates of deposit in your name only. That ties up the money and he can't get to it. If he finds out, call it an investment that co-workers suggested so you make a little money on your money without paying a tax penalty. Completely innocent, right?
Even if you aren't ready to push this guy out now, you could talk with a financial planner (for free!) who would be able to tell you something about protecting your assets. You don't have to tell the planner all the gory details. Just ask how you can invest to protect your money. Good luck - you must feel so trapped. Thank god no one got around to getting the marriage license! That will probably be to your benefit.
Excellent suggestion.
Excellent suggestion.
I don’t know
That all sounds like so much work. I might be willing to take a punch just to get him out... not that I’m advocating provoking him, but I sure as hell wouldn’t mind getting shoved, smacked, choked, whatever if it meant that the police would haul his ass away. Lol What a piece of work. Hang in there girl!
And why exactly do you
And why exactly do you tolerate this waste of skin non man and his shallow and polluted gene pool in your life?
smh
Quit playing games. Call a locksmith, rekey the locks, keep he and his kid(s) out of YOUR home and deal with the authorities if they attempt to get you to allow him entry into YOUR home. Better to battle the system than tolerate this POS and his spawn in y our home. Hire a security firm to oversee the process on the day you agree to have him return to your home to get his shit.
Grrr.... This guy pisses me off.
I am with Rags on this one
I am with Rags on this one for sure! I am not sure what country you are in but if he is threatening you and you are fearful you can get a restraining order. That would get him out of the house temporarily. From there you can get him out permanently. Get those locks changed and keep him out. There has to be a way to trick him out of the house long enough to get the restraining order and the lock smith to the house. There is no reason to not get him off of access to your money now. This man is an abuser. He might not hit you but this is bad.
Here, you can go to the magistrate after hours, plead your case and get an emergency RO for 3 days. Police will come with you to your house and escort the absuer out (I had to do this myself). It bought me 3 days to get me and my kids the hell out of there where my ex couldn't find us. Along with all of my belongings. The house might have been my exes but everything in it was mine. Had the house been in my name I would have just changed the locks and moved his stuff into storage and mailed him a key. Paying 30 days for storage would have been totally worth it!
I second the TRO.
I second the TRO.
I get you having to tip-toe
I get you having to tip-toe in order to save your assets. And that you have children there as well.
But I agree with some others. Starve them out.
Cut off anything but the basics. Cable, internet and food. Take the money you are saving and eat out with your kids while you go through eviction process. Get a storage unit and move everything out. All of it but your kids rooms. Including your room. Leave just skids beds.
Remove washer and dryer and do your laundry only at the mat.
Stop funding him completely. New bank accounts. All of it.
Do not buy any personal hygiene items either. Hide your own and your kids. Take all towels, hide them. Remove all the dishes, silverware, cooking items. Everything.
Essentially your home will be empty.
Put locks on all the doors from the outside except for skids bedroom and one bathroom.
Then FREEZE them out. Do not engage at all. Because shit will hit the fan!