Disengaging from one but not the other
Hi!
Do any of you have any experience with disengaging from one twin but not the other? I am pretty sure that at their Birthday dinners it will be pretty obvious that one skid got a gift from me and the other didn’t get a gift and of course at Christmas. I am guessing SO would have to explain, if asked, that that perhaps the girl skid would have gotten a gift if she didn't ignore me or wasn't just outright rude but I thought I'd put it out there to try to be as prepared as possible.
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May I ask two questions?
May I ask two questions?
1.) You are not getting a gift, but is their father allowed?
2.) What was the final straw?
Yep, I am not buying the girl
Yep, I am not buying the girl skid a gift anymore but their is certainly going to continue to buy them gifts.
Final straw was her ignoring me for 5 days over Spring Break.
My SSis is the black sheep of
My SSis is the black sheep of the family, and my mother (and SF, to a certain extent) is more-or-less disengaged. My SSis did it to herself, though, but mopes around Facebook ALL THE TIME about how she misses her family, etc. My SBro refuses to have anything to do with her.
My mother, though, is actively engaged with my SBro. He even calls her Mom, and she is GMa to his daughter. He is my brother 100%. My SSis...I sometimes forget she exists.
I will say, we are all adults, and I think disengagement is easier at that point. If we were all kids, I think my mom would have a hard time not buying SSis a gift. I would have a hard time treating my SSs unequally unless one of them REALLY acted like an arse towards me. I'm not saying it is wrong to, but I do think age plays a part in all of this.
When my OSD was a horrid,
When my OSD was a horrid, horrid, cruel child...I disengaged from her but not from SS or YSD.
For a while, if I was taking YSD or SS somewhere, DH would whine: "But what about OSD?!?!?!" He didn't want her to feel 'left out' of our activities. So, I'd dutifully trudge back to her bedroom, knock on the door, invite her. She literally never said yes...and then we were off. Eventually, I told DH...nope, not inviting her to go to ________ or to come to the kitchen to make pizza/brownies/cookies/sundaes with us or to come watch a movie or whatever else. She knows she's invited, and you're just forcing me to get rejected repeatedly by a 12-year-old (then 14, 16...etc. She didn't become a normal human until about 19...)
He didn't like it, but oh well. DH and I gave presents together, so I never disengaged from present-giving on brithdays/Christmas...but she sure missed out on a lot of extras over the years!
Also...it wasn't just me. A lot of people in DH's circle 'disengaged' from OSD (i.e. didn't invite her out or make an effort to spend time with her) but remained engaged with the other two...friends, grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc. I think it's just a natural result of being a raging b****. People stay away. That includes SM.
Nothing wrong with not
Nothing wrong with not rewarding bad behavior.
I would give the gift privately to the twin who doesn't treat you like shit, so as not to put that child on the spot.