This is a rather odd topic. My H and I have shared passwords since 3 months in to our relationship. He has access to everything and me for him. I don't abuse it and he doesn't abuse mine. Maybe state it as another poster did. "If you need to lock it down, it's seen as you have something to hide. I know you don't but it's making me feel silly honey"
He did lie about it, I would ask how it was going (he was recently divorced) and he would say "everything is fine".
Then when I overheard the conversation he tried to tell me that he said "everything is going to be fine", he said he knew he would get caught up so he didn't want to tell me because I am so good with money and it made him feel like a failure.
I wouldn't really ever use his laptop to work on, maybe just grab it to use the internet so searching for files wouldn't be situation for me and if he created a log on for his kids then they wouldn't be able to see what him and I were doing if under the same log in.
I am very open about my finances but I am also the money maker. I try to be open and honest with him because that is the same way I would like to be treated.
I guess what I left out (major part; sorry) is that if I did lie to someone about my finances and was trying to gain their trust back I would show them proof that my finances/bank account was what I said it was so they would see that I wasn't lying, see I was trying to fix the error and show that I can be trusted again. He does none of those things and keeps it all on major lock down.
We ran his credit a couple of years ago and I saw the report then. When he ran his credit the 2nd year he would never allow me to see what was on and acted weird about it.
Things like this coupled with the whole weird password behavior just makes me uncomfortable.
DH and I know each others passwords, because we use the same passwords for everything. We don't abuse it by snooping on each other but it gives us the peace of mind that if we ever felt the need to, we could. It keeps you honest as well. Neither of us does Social Media so we don't have that issue.
our rule for passwords and stuff is no rule. we've never discussed this and have never needed to.
i keep all passwords just cuz i'm better and more organized at it, plus i'm the one who physically pays the bills. dh can have access to any of it, any time he pleases. he's asked for logins and passwords in the past occasionally, and he's received them promptly. total transparency, because we function as a unit, as a team.
the laptop has two logins, one for adults and one for kids. doesnt matter who's name is on it (the adult one actually is "daddy"- lol!). dh doesnt lock his phone, i can access it any time. i do lock my phone for kaos reasons, but dh knows how to unlock it. and neither one of us uses social media.
like was said earlier, u dont lock stuff down unless u've got something to hide. i understand u are feeling weird about your SO locking you out of his things. but remember too, u're not married or even engaged yet. he's under no obligation to share everything with you unless u've had that conversation and u're both in agreement. until that happens it's really not your concern. but since it bothers you, u may want to throw it out on the table.
then my last sentence applies - lay it all out on the table. u said u've mentioned this before and he gets all hinky about it. give it one more shot - "i feel like u dont trust me. after being engaged for two years, i feel i deserve more transparency and less hiding. at this stage in our relationship, i feel hurt that you hid a $10k debt from me. if u're committed to our relationship, i need more openness."
see how he responds. but u have to be OK with whatever happens next.
I don't know DH passwords and he doesn't know mine . No need . We trust each other and I feel no need reading his emails . We have separate bank accounts and no access to each other's accounts . We have one joint savings account , which is the only password we share . DH is living in my house ( not in his name ) and he pays market value rent . He also pays a flat amount from each paycheck into our savings account . What he does with the little money that he has left after that is none of my business. ;);)
Well, I know some will say that until you are married, his finances are not your business but I disagree. You are engaged and you live together, his finances and debts can affect you (or your decision to marry him at all). Also, if you help pay the bills, you have a right to know what they are.
I have no advice on how to bring this up to him. He's already hidden something pretty big from you, that would worry me. Did he tell you what the debt was from?
Anything of my DH's that has a password, I have set up for him so I know the passwords but I do not snoop around in his bank accounts (we have separate accounts), same with his email. His phone doesn't have a password, he doesn't care if I look at it (I don't).
If your SO is acting weird about stuff, like the credit report, and you have a gut feeling, I think you need to follow up on that. But it doesn't sound like he will be too willing to share.
I think there's a spectrum. For some people, they like to know they can access everything (or they actually do need to access everything!) and so having all the passwords is how they need to operate. For others, they can barely remember their own so having more is just a pain.
I guess I have a strong sense of privacy. In my situation, I don't think I'd like it if DH read my posts here on ST. Not that I have anything to hide, it just feels personal to me. Not intended for him, IYKWIM. Same as emails to my friends.
And because of my feelings about privacy, I'd never open his mail or read his emails or texts - well, I have a couple of times, but only when he was there and/or he asked me to. (The one time he didn't, there was some major changes going on at work and he was on the taskforce, and was getting a group whatsapp every 5 minutes and it was waking me up, lol!)
However, I absolutely would not be living with someone I didn't think was an open book about finances. If I'm hitching my wagon to someone's star, I want to know if that star is silver or tin.
The only passwords my husband and I share are for our joint bank account and utilities. I have my own laptop and tablet and phone. He's has zero need to use my devices or have my passwords. Same for me with his devices and passwords. Just no.
I wanted to add that my husband's career is in network security in the banking industry, while mine is law, so we are both super sensitive to password security.
We do know passwords and such. However, I do not go into his phone or email account. I get extremely irritated when he picks up my phone and looks at it without asking first. I have nothing to hide, but it's my phone. Not his. I don't look through his personal things. I expect the same in return.
I do all the financial work in our relationship and the computer work. My DH not only is not technologically inclined, he hates it. So I know any and all passwords.
I do have my phone protected because of regulations regarding my work emails but he knows that anytime he wants to look, he just has to ask. He very rarely asks unless it is a, "Who was that?," type of question.
Comments
This is a rather odd topic.
This is a rather odd topic. My H and I have shared passwords since 3 months in to our relationship. He has access to everything and me for him. I don't abuse it and he doesn't abuse mine. Maybe state it as another poster did. "If you need to lock it down, it's seen as you have something to hide. I know you don't but it's making me feel silly honey"
I have all of DH's passwords
I have all of DH's passwords because he cannot remember them. I've told him mine dozens of times but he never remembers.
Same here...
Same here...
Same here...
Same here...
I think that running credit
I think that running credit reports together and going over them together is a good idea. This is what DH and I did.
The cause for alarm was
The cause for alarm was finding out he had lied about being 10 grand in debt.
He did lie about it, I would
He did lie about it, I would ask how it was going (he was recently divorced) and he would say "everything is fine".
Then when I overheard the conversation he tried to tell me that he said "everything is going to be fine", he said he knew he would get caught up so he didn't want to tell me because I am so good with money and it made him feel like a failure.
I wouldn't really ever use
I wouldn't really ever use his laptop to work on, maybe just grab it to use the internet so searching for files wouldn't be situation for me and if he created a log on for his kids then they wouldn't be able to see what him and I were doing if under the same log in.
Hubby and I share the same
Hubby and I share the same password for everything. We have full access to each other's world. Plus we shared bank account.
I am very open about my
I am very open about my finances but I am also the money maker. I try to be open and honest with him because that is the same way I would like to be treated.
I guess what I left out
I guess what I left out (major part; sorry) is that if I did lie to someone about my finances and was trying to gain their trust back I would show them proof that my finances/bank account was what I said it was so they would see that I wasn't lying, see I was trying to fix the error and show that I can be trusted again. He does none of those things and keeps it all on major lock down.
We ran his credit a couple of years ago and I saw the report then. When he ran his credit the 2nd year he would never allow me to see what was on and acted weird about it.
Things like this coupled with the whole weird password behavior just makes me uncomfortable.
My dh and I use the same
My dh and I use the same passwords for emails and all social media accounts. We have the same banking account.
DH and I know each others
DH and I know each others passwords, because we use the same passwords for everything. We don't abuse it by snooping on each other but it gives us the peace of mind that if we ever felt the need to, we could. It keeps you honest as well. Neither of us does Social Media so we don't have that issue.
our rule for passwords and
our rule for passwords and stuff is no rule. we've never discussed this and have never needed to.
i keep all passwords just cuz i'm better and more organized at it, plus i'm the one who physically pays the bills. dh can have access to any of it, any time he pleases. he's asked for logins and passwords in the past occasionally, and he's received them promptly. total transparency, because we function as a unit, as a team.
the laptop has two logins, one for adults and one for kids. doesnt matter who's name is on it (the adult one actually is "daddy"- lol!). dh doesnt lock his phone, i can access it any time. i do lock my phone for kaos reasons, but dh knows how to unlock it. and neither one of us uses social media.
like was said earlier, u dont lock stuff down unless u've got something to hide. i understand u are feeling weird about your SO locking you out of his things. but remember too, u're not married or even engaged yet. he's under no obligation to share everything with you unless u've had that conversation and u're both in agreement. until that happens it's really not your concern. but since it bothers you, u may want to throw it out on the table.
We have been engaged 2 years
We have been engaged 2 years and known each other since we were 11.
then my last sentence applies
then my last sentence applies - lay it all out on the table. u said u've mentioned this before and he gets all hinky about it. give it one more shot - "i feel like u dont trust me. after being engaged for two years, i feel i deserve more transparency and less hiding. at this stage in our relationship, i feel hurt that you hid a $10k debt from me. if u're committed to our relationship, i need more openness."
see how he responds. but u have to be OK with whatever happens next.
I don't know DH passwords and
I don't know DH passwords and he doesn't know mine . No need . We trust each other and I feel no need reading his emails . We have separate bank accounts and no access to each other's accounts . We have one joint savings account , which is the only password we share . DH is living in my house ( not in his name ) and he pays market value rent
. He also pays a flat amount from each paycheck into our savings account . What he does with the little money that he has left after that is none of my business. ;);)
Well, I know some will say
Well, I know some will say that until you are married, his finances are not your business but I disagree. You are engaged and you live together, his finances and debts can affect you (or your decision to marry him at all). Also, if you help pay the bills, you have a right to know what they are.
I have no advice on how to bring this up to him. He's already hidden something pretty big from you, that would worry me. Did he tell you what the debt was from?
Anything of my DH's that has a password, I have set up for him so I know the passwords but I do not snoop around in his bank accounts (we have separate accounts), same with his email. His phone doesn't have a password, he doesn't care if I look at it (I don't).
If your SO is acting weird about stuff, like the credit report, and you have a gut feeling, I think you need to follow up on that. But it doesn't sound like he will be too willing to share.
that's a cheater for sure and
that's a cheater for sure and that's why he's your ex
He always lays his phone face
He always lays his phone face down....... ugh.
lol so do i, but that's just
lol so do i, but that's just cuz i dont want to see the reflections on the screen!
I think there's a spectrum.
I think there's a spectrum. For some people, they like to know they can access everything (or they actually do need to access everything!) and so having all the passwords is how they need to operate. For others, they can barely remember their own so having more is just a pain.
I guess I have a strong sense of privacy. In my situation, I don't think I'd like it if DH read my posts here on ST. Not that I have anything to hide, it just feels personal to me. Not intended for him, IYKWIM. Same as emails to my friends.
And because of my feelings about privacy, I'd never open his mail or read his emails or texts - well, I have a couple of times, but only when he was there and/or he asked me to. (The one time he didn't, there was some major changes going on at work and he was on the taskforce, and was getting a group whatsapp every 5 minutes and it was waking me up, lol!)
However, I absolutely would not be living with someone I didn't think was an open book about finances. If I'm hitching my wagon to someone's star, I want to know if that star is silver or tin.
The only passwords my husband
The only passwords my husband and I share are for our joint bank account and utilities. I have my own laptop and tablet and phone. He's has zero need to use my devices or have my passwords. Same for me with his devices and passwords. Just no.
I wanted to add that my
I wanted to add that my husband's career is in network security in the banking industry, while mine is law, so we are both super sensitive to password security.
We do know passwords and
We do know passwords and such. However, I do not go into his phone or email account. I get extremely irritated when he picks up my phone and looks at it without asking first. I have nothing to hide, but it's my phone. Not his. I don't look through his personal things. I expect the same in return.
I do all the financial work
I do all the financial work in our relationship and the computer work. My DH not only is not technologically inclined, he hates it. So I know any and all passwords.
I do have my phone protected because of regulations regarding my work emails but he knows that anytime he wants to look, he just has to ask. He very rarely asks unless it is a, "Who was that?," type of question.