IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR MY MARRIAGE AFTER SD 20.5 FINISHES US OFF?
My SD is 20 and will be 21 in Jan. The problem is that my DH raised her to be a spoiled bratt. I blame him for her behavior bc he caters to her. I have told him several times that she needs a job. He buys her gas for her car to go run the streets, clothes that reveals more than I care to say, provides for her total living. The problem is that she nit picks at my 13 yrs old. She wears her clothes and then complains to DH once OUR 13 yrs old wears something of hers creating confusion between DH and me. I have talked to both our girls to wear their own clothes. Our 13 yrs old goes to school and does all the chores while our 20 yrs old stays out two three nights at a time and comes home and sleeps all day and then out again. We finally got her to go to a community college to get certified in a trade. I am surprised she is still going. I want my marriage but it gets hard to get DH to see that all the drama we have around the house is bc of her. She is so needy. I told him to tell her to get a job but he make excuses for her and he have bailed her out of jail a few times. She just sleeps all day. She got a dog and yep you guess it, the dog became everyone responsibility. He takes CHEMO and she was late to his appt on both the short days. I was angry but he made an excuse for her. I went the first day bc it was his long day. I know he dont need the extra stress but he does her chores to keep her from doing them. I told him he is an enabler. He gets mad when I try and talk to him about letting her be independent. He mixes our role up bc he gives her whatever she ask but drills me when I ask. If he dont answer her first call she will ask him "WHY DIDNT YOU ANSWER THE PHONE". WTF!!! We are newlyweds and havent been able to enjoy marriage yet. I told him she needs her own place. She comes in late, when she do come home, waking the house up heating food and slamming doors. I put my son, 18yrs old out bc of his bad behavior, and now it is her time. Everyone is talking about her sharing her dad but what about my kids sharing their mom. They have to share as well. SD is so freaking polite it is a shame but she is smart mouthed to our 13yr old and rambles in her room. She even asked DH if she could get our 13yr old's money off her dresser and DH told her yes. It was not his to give her and even though he was going to replace it, SD wouldnt need to borrow it if she had her own job and why was she in our 13yrs olds room to begin with. I address these issues with DH and that lead to an arguement. I am trying not to give up on my marriage so soon but she needs to go and he needs to let go. We are not speaking today bc of something she did and he was telling me about it and I told DH it wasnt me. He knew it was her but the minute I said it wasnt me, he filpped the script on me so for two days now we are not speaking but SD is still asking him for his debit card. Any suggestions on what to do from here. It is not a matter of who wins SD or me. It is a matter of saving my marriage from her evil ways and his blindness.
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I have to ask... if you're
I have to ask... if you're newlyweds, was she not acting like this (and dh accepting it) BEFORE you said, "I do"?
It amazes me how many women have been married just a matter of months. All this drama couldn't have JUST cropped up, could it?
A SD like that in my house would make me nuts. No doubt. But if this was the situation before you got married, what did you expect to magically change? You aren't going to be able to change the "dance" your DH does with his adult daughter at this late date. Trying will only make you crazy...and frustrated.
Before we got married? No,
Before we got married? No, she use to stay in her room all the time. My 13 yrs old even heard her on the phone asking someone if she could come stay with them for a while because this was the last year she may be living with her dad. It is strange, and I promise you, that as tight of a rein he had on her things are turning out the way they are. We had been together for 3years before we got married. Not sure if that is a problem for her but it sure does make me irritated with my marriage. SMH
I also forgot to mention that
I also forgot to mention that once I spoke to my husband about her staying out all times of night and staying gone two-three days at at time and then coming home and taking a shower and sleeping all day and then back again. DH said to me that she use to not do that. I know she didnt but I told him he lets her. If I left him, I wont feel guilty bc I am sick and in remission myself. His family dont want the job of having to take care of him given their actions from the first time he had chemo. They are glad I am here and encouraged him to marry me. His mom even thanked me for taking such good care of her son and thanked God for me to. I even helped with her.
I feel sorry for that 13 yr
I feel sorry for that 13 yr old. I have an almost-13 yr old myself and I know how upset she would be constantly if a 21 yr old were taking her clothes and money then tattled on her if she once borrowed something of theirs.
This GROWN WOMAN needs to GTFO, seriously. This is way too much for you and for DH especially if he is undergoing chemo treatments. It sounds like classic enabler and he is essentially paying for her to come around him. I enabled an ex-boyfriend and he never worked or paid a single bill. He moved back in with his parents after I left him, and he had no ability to keep a job (he thought they all owed him for showing up essentially) and he thought gas, electric, water, etc all came with rent haha. He never finished college and was really crippled because he was so bratty and spoiled and his parents and I enabled him for so long. - this is how your SD20 is going to turn out. She will go job to job when she finally has to work because the bosses and employees are "mean to her" expecting her to do her job like everyone else without special treatment.
Sucks.
I'll do you one better. While
I'll do you one better. While we were dating she fooled her dad like she was going out to work everyday. No W2 to file taxes. He believed her even after he caught her at 4:30 in the morning just riding one of her friends around. They got home and both exchanged loud words and she asked him why did he keep doing that to her. She stated she had a job and she was grown. To this day he swears she didnt say that but I heard that with my own ears they were so loud. I told him she needed a job, she said she didnt have a car. He got her a car and now I repeated myself and the excuse he gave me was, they dont hire ppl with no qualifications. SMDH!!! He has bailed her out of jail last year twice for fightening. Lets see if she will finish college. He even said she will probably quit when she gets bored. She may have to be the one that bathe him and cook and clean once the CHEMO gets him down. I was a girlfriend with wife priviledges. I cooked for them, bathe him,made all his appointments, took off my job and went with him to all his appt's, clean his house, sat with her, and even grocery shopped and I was just the girlfriend of two months at that time. He went into remission and now the cancer is back. I try not to stress him but he needs to stop enabling her and lay the ground rules.
Your DH is on chemo? What is
Your DH is on chemo? What is his prognosis? I ask this because if he is really sick, then there is no way he is going to agree to throw her out. Not at a vulnerable time like this. He will want his daughter around him, no matter how bad she is.
NOTHING WILL CHANGE until your DH makes the change. I saw how bad my DH's kids were before we moved in and then married. There was no way I was going to ever have them move in. I told him this before we moved in together. Sure enough, his daughter was on our doorstep three months after we bought our home DEMANDING we allow her to move in. NO WAY. My DH's kids are horrible, they won't work, they are incredibly lazy and would make my life hell. They will never move into this house. If that had been a condition, I would have never married DH.
The money thing will never end, either. My DH FINALLY stopped handing out cash when the behaviors got so out of control. They all had a fit when we moved in together, and got nastier and nastier. I also made that a condition-no money. Not a cent. If they were nice, and working, I would not mind, but their intention is to sit around doing nothing for the rest of their lives. Like BM.
The things you are dealing with should have been handled before you married. I know you hope for change, but realistically, that is NOT going to happen unless your DH steps up. Does not sound like he wants to. You are fighting a losing battle if that is the case.
Yes he is on CHEMO for right
Yes he is on CHEMO for right now. He has lymphomia. He was in remisson and now it is back. SD couldnt even make the two short appts on time and he made an excuse for her. Things wasnt like this when I moved in. I put a stop to the ex girlfriends three grandkids coming over and she got mad. She does hair and had all these different ppl coming in and out and we stopped that to. So sure, she is mad. She was baby sitting them there and he would end up taking care of them. He works a 12 hour shift job and four on and four off. She would be in the bed sleeping. She is lazy to. She was in school when I first met him. HE was very strict on her but now he seems to let her go in and out as she pleases. No job and lazy as hell. He allows it and you are right unless he steps up there will be no peace. I keep telling him we are not going to be around forever and we needed to teach our children to be independent and productive in society. He makes excuses for her and does her chores. I am thinking about counceling first and if that dont work then the big D is the only other option. I am not going to feel guilty if it dont work. I get tired of my needs being put off while he pacifies hers. I have seen some progress in a lot of things as far as stopping all these friends of hers coming over. WE dont talk. We just speak to eachother. It is rare if we talk. I have bought her alot of things when I buy my daughters and that still dont keep the peace. I dont want to be him and buy her to like me. She dont want to work because he dont demand it. If things dont change I will change it for all of us. I have Sarcoidosis (in remission) and uvitis in the eyes. I have fibroids to deal with myself. So me trying to be strong for my family is weakening me for myself. She can be around him in and in her own house. I will bet you, she will not finish college, prayfully she will prove me wrong, being as lazy as she is. I keep telling him if something happens to us, no one will take care of a lazy person. She needs to learn responsibilities and boundaries.
You say your husband used to
You say your husband used to be strict with her, but now he's not. I am wondering if your husband is really quite worried about his illness and how much time he has left. You haven't said much about the type of lymphomia he has or what the prognosis is, so it really is hard to say too much here.
I would be the last person to take a SD's side after what I've been through, but I would wonder if she is acting out this way because she too is worried her father is going to die.
Odd I know, not the way you and I would act if someone we loved had a terminal illness, but then again young women these days are not too bright at the best of times, they have for the most part been crippled at birth by over doting parents and never allowed to grow up. But, it may be a thought.
Her expectation of doing haircuts and babysitting in your home when both you and your husband are both so ill is grossly unfair and someone needs to make her see that. She is pissed about her dad, pissed about his marriage, pissed she can't do the things she used to and wants to do, and she is letting the world know she is mighty pissed.
My first thought for you guys would be family counselling. You need some outside intervention here and you need it fast.
The money issue, well I am not sure with all the medical needs in the family how he thinks you can afford to be keeping a 21 year old woman and supplying all her needs. If money is an issue for you I am sure that is adding to your stress and it needs to stop. I stopped my DH from doing it by graciously handing his daughter $3500K towards a car, and taking another $3500K and giving it to my daughter to pay for cement. Now we couldn't afford to give away $3500 let alone $7000, when DH saw the bank statement he was floored and questioned where the money went. I told him, look I told you whatever your kids get mine do too when you first brought up giving SD such a large some of money, you insisted you wanted to do it, so I gave my daughter the same amount. If one of yours gets a dollar then one of mine gets a dollar. That ended the giving of money there and then. So, if he wants to give his daughter money, then put the same amount into a bank account for your daughter (don't tell your daughter about this money though).
However if money is not an issue, then still make sure your daughter is treated fairly in this and she gets the same amount. Then, just let him give his daughter money. It is his daughter he is destroying not yours.
I agree wholeheartedly this is all very, very wrong. But you know yourself that there is nothing YOU can do to change it, you can only change how you react and feel towards it.
Her behaviour before you married clearly indicated something was wrong, so this would not be totally unexpected for you I am guessing. I think with all of the illness you and your husband are suffering through it is just too much to take now. Which is quite understandable. She is 21, she should be out of the house, with your husband being so ill he probably is hanging on to her and will not want her out of the house.
I can see all three sides of this and there are no winners here unless something changes and I don't see it changing unless you get outside intervention and that would be family, couples or counselling of your own.
One thing I would ask you to remember, SHE ultimately is not your daughter, you cannot make her learn anything, or get a job, or save money, or finish college and should you try you will only build up even more resentment in her, basically here you need to mind your own business. However, anything that happens inside your home that causes friction between you and your husband IS your business. I would try addressing any issues you have with him such as giving away joint monies etc., but try and avoid saying anything about his daughter, just stick to the, look we have spent X dollars this month and we are struggling or if money is as I said previously not an issue, then say nothing. The only time you have an absolute right to say anything is when it involves you, so if she speaks out of turn or is rude to you, go for it. If she leaves a mess tell her.
She is a grown woman now, and living in your house, it would best if you told your husband, look I have been telling you x and y for years, you have done nothing about it, so from now on I will deal with her myself and you need to back me up. So if I tell her to clean up her mess or do HER chores, and she complains to you, you need to tell her, well that's fair enough, you live here and you need to help out. If he fails to support you in these little things, well what can I say. The stress in this relationship is not good for either of you and will make both of you unable to fight these illnesses as well as you might if you were both not so stressed.
I agree she is a spoilt, selfish, self centred, immature, greedy, little brat with an over inflated sense of entitlement. However, she didn't get this way all by herself her parents made her this way.
If you can get some family counselling I think it would be very helpful for yourself and your husband to do so. Yes, his daughter needs to learn, you cannot teach her it is not your place, daddy won't teach her, so hopefully a counsellor may be able to get through to her. Good luck.
I love you to. I am so
I love you to. I am so grateful to have such great friends on here. You are so right. He raised her by himself. He was doing all the chores when I met him and he was sick then to. I will say something to her about cleaning her room. It looks like a pig sti. She dont consider us. I guess she would be happy if me and my BD left but it aint going to happen. I want my marriage. My DH told me two weeks into our relationship that he was sick. He has lymphomia. Not sure what stage the dr. put him in. He is still working. He gets sick a few days afterwards but he gets ok. He has night sweats. He is not bed confined. I tell him to take it easy but he still does chores around the house so she dont have to. You are so right. We do need counceling. I will recommend that to him when I get home today. This is my second marriage (first was abusive) and his first. I love my husband with all my heart. Something has got to change. She left home yesterday and havent been back. She stays gone two-three days at a time. Then come home and sleep all darn day to go again. I have told him but nothing have been done. I told her she should not be fighting in the streets bc her dad is sick and worries about her. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel but then I think about how much I love my DH. I dont want him to feel like he has to straddle the fence between her and I. He needs to know where I come in and I guess a councelor is just what we need. Thanks for your advice.
Can I tell you I love you???
Can I tell you I love you??? I do, I do, I do (in the lions voice-wizard of oz) lol That was some what tough to read but I greatly thank you. I will pratice these steps. Right now the dishes are in the sink and knowing my husband he is waiting to see who washes them. They have been there for 3 days now. My daughter does all the house cleaning along with my DH and me. I told my BD not to wash them. My 20 yr old SD have been there through the day time and now she went out yesterday and didnt come in. He is ok with this. I will pratice this and pray it works. I teared up when you said "forgive yourself" and blame my husband less. I guess I was in fear of loosing him somewhat bc she is his only child. Come to think of it, he was cleaning and cooking when I met him and she was in high school at the time. He has always babied her. We have turned into her hotel maids. I cant remember her sweeping a floor since we moved in. NO MORE!!! You are absolutely right. You are a God sent to me and my marriage. I'm gonna choose to win. I love my husband and want my marriage very much. It is like DH is always on guard when an disagreement comes between him and I bc it always leads back to her. I guess we are never too old for tough love. We just started back speaking after two days of silence. Thanks so much. GOD bless you and I cant express that enough.
I do not think it is so much
I do not think it is so much a matter of "blame" whether it be the husband or the SD or SS. I think in order to fix something you first must work out which part of it is broken. There is absolutely no point in a woman searching her soul, her heart and her mind trying to fix something that she didn't break, doesn't know how it got broken in the first place, and is not hers to fix.
The upringing this girl had, and the way her father continues to parent her is his fault, now whether you look on that as blame, or assigning responsibility is all in the readers perspective.
I believe my husband is totally responsible for the way his adult children behave today as he brought them up to believe the were "special" they owed the world nothing and the world owed them everything. He did that. Do I hate him for it, NO, do I hold a grudge against him for it NO. It is what it is, and knowing that it is his responsibility, therefore his problem to sort out, stops me from "blaming" myself, and that is what I did for years.
I looked to myself to see what I was doing wrong, how I caused this problem, how I could fix it. It was not mine to fix. They are my husband's children, they are a product of their upbringing, and they are what they are today, because up until this day, he still says nothing no matter how rude, greedy, arrogant or selfish they are. Hell, about 18 months ago the daughter (30) tells him when his father dies she will be getting his car, a brand new Mondeo worth over 40K. Now there are 7 grandchildren, she is neither the oldest or the youngest, she is not the only girl, and she was not saying I hope or I would like she was saying I am going to get that car. This was her way of making sure daddy knew what she wanted and he would get the car for her. DH said nothing, not even when she pointed out she needed a new car now. What did she expect, her father would go up their and kill her grandfather for her so she could have the car. Knowing this piece of work if he had she'd be quite happy. My husband allows his children to walk all over anyone and everyone, including me and him. Well he did till after 8 years of it I threw her out and took back control of my house.
When I say "It is your husband's fault" in my posts I do not mean that in an angry bitter way, I mean that sincerely, and perhaps as I said before, responsibility might be a better word to use.
There is absolutely no point in me trying to fix his relationship with his daughter so that she won't take her anger out on me. HE, my husband is responsible for that. Once you recognise this it is then easier to take a step back and let them work it out, and only step in when something directly involves you. In this case her stepaughter using the place as a hotel and pretty much expecting room service. Now, if her husband was well enough to provide the room service and prepared to clean up, the instant his daughter left a mess, like dishes in the sink so it did not impact on others in the family, then let it go. But when dishes have been left in the sink for 3 days, well NO. That needs to be dealt with and can be dealt with by any adult family member it impacts on.
I also dont' think it is a matter of forgiving your husband, forgiving him for what exactly. Being a lousy parent, over indulging his daughter, that's not our place to judge is it. So there is nothing in that area to forgive him for.
It would be easy to forive your DH for all the stress his style of parenting has caused or is causing you, if he actively acknowledges that his daughter/children are causing you problems and he is sorry for that, when the husband is denying everything and by his silence and failure to sort his daughter out, is supporting and encouraging this behavior, then how can you just say I forgive you. First people need to recognise their part in these types of messes and ask to be forgiven. It appears here that her husband has not even recognised that the wife worries about his ill health, and the added burden of cleaning up and maintaing a 21 year old is adding to that. He appears to not recognise anything that is going on in the home, and in fact, denies it.
Until he can sit down and talk this through in a calm manner with her, it will not be fixed. He too is taking part in breaking down this marriage along with his daughter. He is not listenting ot anything his wife says and clearly is ignoring her feelings.
With all of this in mind, I think she needs to first and foremost take care of herself as her daughter will suffer if anything happens to mum. While she is emotionally exhausted she cannot function properly and then she has all the physical illness as well. So, she needs to make herself number 1. She cannot fix the marriage by herself, he too needs to take part in that.
She needs to forgive herself for what, loving her husband and trying to make her marriage work. No, Forgive herself for not telling the SD to pull her weight sooner. Well, we all try not to do that, we all hang in there because we don't want to upset our husbands. So, that I think is pretty normal and she doesn't need to forgive herself for that either. She has made the mistake pretty much all of us make, she stepped back, respected her husband, and thought, hoped and expected he would love and respect her and their marriage enough to pull his daughter into line. So, if you say forgive herself for that, I totally agree. Forgive yourself, because you did nothing wrong in doing this, you did what would have been the right thing to do in normal circumstances. But in these types of father daughter relationships, that does not apply. Your husband will never stick up for you, he cannot. So, you have to stick up for yourself. This is your home and you have a right to expect her to pull her weight if she lives with you.
However, I would be finding out a lot more about your husband's health here. You need to know exactly what his condition is and what the outcome may be. You need to take care of you first and foremost, and then your husband, and I say you first because if you get sick there is no one there for your husband or your daughter, so take care of yourself. As for SD deal with her as you would any other person who comes into your home and disrespects you, your husband, your daughter or your home. Your home is not a half way house and she needs to be told that. It would be preferable for her father to do that, but he won't. It will cause fireworks when you do it, but your only other option is to just put up with it if you can. The best thing would be family counselling and let the counsellor do it I think.
To Hypovic and Emotionally
To Hypovic and Emotionally beat up: I thank you all so much for making me feel like I am number one to somebody. Everyone on this post have been so kind. I am so busy trying to keep a house in order that I loose me. My SD came home this morning at 1:38 am and the door alarm (garage door) spoke and I woke up. I first woke to the dogs barking loudly at her before she came in the house. Then the alarm. She went past our room to her room and went to bed. Mind you, she didnt stay there on Tuesdaynight. I dont know where she was. I am sure she gave DH an excuse as to where she was going. She sometimes takes a pillow and spread out in her car and stay gone. I finally broke down yesterday and me and my BD (13) put the dishes in the dish washer and I cooked. My DH was just seeing how long the dishes would pile up. She eats there, rarely, but she is in and out and her room looks like a tornado has went through it sometimes. I had to tell DH in the beginning to make her clean her room. I told him a man wants a clean woman. She failed to wash her hands after using the bathroom and would go straight to the frig. I had to address thess issues with DH and of course he would make every excuse for her so I started putting up signs. I even made a chore list in which it lasted maybe a week. I had to throw my 18 yrs old BS out for disrespect that had been going on before I got married and moved into my husbands house. I drive an hour away to my job of 11 yrs and he claimed he didnt want to be far from his job. I found out by her it was because she didnt want to move. Mind you, she was grown already. So I took some of the advice on here from yesterday and am taking charge of MY HOUSE AS DH'S WIFE. DH went to work and my words to her before I left was: GM Please clean up the kitchen when you get up, and Ross store is hiring. You can go online under RossStore.coom and fill out the application and Freds in Northport is hiring for a cashier and this evening when I get home me, you and my husband are going to sit down and decide on a decent time for you to come home. Do you hear me"? She shook her head yes and I said, "have a good day". LOL I will continue to haunt her until something gives. I know DH may not like it and she may have texted him the minute I closed the door but oh well. I found myself getting depressed. I am thinking about counceling for myself first. DH is in denial. But will he be if I left them both like I found them? When he plans and makes decision, it doesnt seem like he includes me. I have put him on my walmart and lowes account, I have also put him on a life insurance policy. When I make plans I make them as a married couple. He seems to leave me out. I have spoken to him about his before. He tends to get mad so now I just leave it but maybe the councelor will have to be the one to tell him what his duties to me as my husband is. I look forward to the arguement this evening when I get home. I am tired of argueing and counceling is my last option. The doctor referred us to a bone marrow specialist but the specialist said that we were not at that stage yet. So we just take the Chemo and after his fourth treatment they will take more test to see if he needs any more treatments.
The doctor once told us that
The doctor once told us that he would give him the chemo and see if he could get DH three more years. I bout died right there but I first got angry but was glad that he was upfront with it but I think a little more tackfulness could have been used. Anyway I am sure I lit a fire under dear SD. She is probably rambling through my stuff along with BD to see if it is anything she can destroy. I dont even leave my toothbrush visible and I tell my BD to lock the box I bought her to put her jewerly, money, cell phone and whatever will fit in it. I am so drained already from just these five months of marriage. We havent had time to enjoy eachother. DH better wake up and give the tough love. I keep told him as long as SD is in the house with us, there will be confusion in our marriage. It wouldnt be so bad if she would respect the house and DH would back me up with the rules and regs. He seem to have no problem doing it with our 13yr old. My problem was that I wasnt saying "it" to her but to him and that would stress him bc it seems to bother him if she is mad at him. I told him he got our roles mixed up. She walks around with the garage door opener so she can get into the house after hours. I locked the deadbolt on the front door last night, lol, so she would have to go through letting up the garage door and coming in the house. Either way she entered, the alarm would talk to us stating which door she came in, waking the house or atleast me. I greatly appreciate all the help you blessings have given me. To add another thing, my sister blasted me on facebook this morning bc someone told her I was talking negative about her. My son lives with her. Another family member no doubt. But that's another story. I cut his phone line this morning bc he is working and wont give me the $20 a month for his phone bill. So much going on but I know God is able. My BD got some good grades on her card yesterday. Woo Hooo!!! Things are looking up. I will see if the kitchen gets cleaned up. If he dont back me and the councelor dont work then I am throwing in the towel. I love my husband but I wont live in misery. I dont want to abondon him while he is down either. I have went through CHEMO with him once and no one was there for him BUT ME!!! I love him just that much and I know he is worried about his health and I am to. I have three fibroids I have to deal with on top of all this mess. He knows that but as his wife he needs to know my place as well. I dont require much just his love and attention. After reading your post,I know she is angry bc I am establishing rules and regulations that should have been in place and that things she use to do, she is limited now. DH is still trying to work even though he is taking treatments. After the side effects wears off he goes back to work. His doctor always ask if he is still working. He is a working man so I dont bother him. DH will know when he needs to come home for good. Yes my BD would suffer if something happen to me. Her DBD (deadbeat dad) is on his 3rd wife. We werent married and she has three kids, two of which lives with her. I am told by my daughter when she visits and the SM is mad @ her dad, she will tell him to go wake your daughter up or her kids will steal her money or pick a fight. So She just go and visit her grandmother and not them anymore. I have spoken to her DBD about this but to keep it simple we picked his mother's house for our drop off and pick up point and she spends time with him a few times a year (he lives about 30-40 miles from us) and pays his support when he feels like it but another issue. Life!!! I just want us to live peacefully together putting God first and raising our 13yr old. Thanks for the support and I will keep you posted on tomorrow. He needs to stop making excuses for SD and back me. I want the best for her but I want peace in our house to.
I completely understand and
I completely understand and thanks for the words of encouragement. I took the advice on yesterday and told her myself. She was still in the bed when I left. When I get home today I want to see if she cleaned the kitchen and I doubt if she went to look for a job and I will talk to DH about her coming in late. If he would just back me up and keep his foot down on her then we could live in harmoney. Before I keep adding stress I will try the councelor first and then if that dont work. I am GONE!!! I intend not to let the stress overwhelm me to. I do have to think of me. I cannot keep living like that. On the flip side, my baby sister just told me on facebook and talked about my 13 yrs old. HE SAID SHE SAID.... I guess the Lord is about to bless me huge bc these winds just wont cease. lol
Getting Counselling for
Getting Counselling for yourself is a good idea. At the very lease you will have someone to support you and with whom you can vent face to face.
No matter what your husband does, whether he supports you or not. Ultimately you must do what is best for YOU and you need to relieve the stress in your life in a way that you feel is best for you.
Unfortunatley you cannot fix this alone. If your husband does not or will not see how you are feeling and what is going on with his daugher there is really not much you can do other than take care of yourself and your poor daughter. She is going through puberty and has to cope with all of this too. Her mother is sick, and emotionally drained. A bit too much for a 13 year to have to cope with I think. So, look after yourself and your daughter here.
Unless your husband is on the same page and the two of you can come to some sort of agreement about her and set some boundaries for her that you can both agree on, this is not going to change.
I put up with 8 years of hell, please do not do the same thing.
Well I do greatly thank God
Well I do greatly thank God for everyone of my friends here. It is nice to know that I have a great strong support system. Let me catch you up from yesterday. I just felt like with all the things going on in my life I was just walking about emotionally drained and couldnt feel. But the good Lord saw me and fixed it for me. I prayed and then when I got home my DH was sitting in his favorite chair in our bedroom so I told him I was thinking about counceling and he asked why. I told him I was not happy and I felt drained. I told him that the sparkieness I had, I felt I didnt have it anymore. He already knew I had a joyous personality. So we talked and we talked some more. I told him I wasnt sure if it was everything with the family issues, our family issues, both our health or the vitamins I was taking. He listen and he questioned and I answered best I could. I also told him I couldnt talk to him anymore bc he always pointed fingers and turned it into an arguement. I wanted to be able to talk to him. I asked him if he had any questions for me. He WAS my sister's friend on FB and she slandered me and my daughter there. Another topic!!! But our 13 yrs old was so upset and worried about me and my DH had questions about a lie she had put on there but to make a long story short, the confusion she thought she was going to create didnt work so I guess she had deleted it off her page but DH and me both deleted her and then we went on to discuss the issue with DSD not coming in at a decent time. I explained to DH that I had told SD we all were going to discuss this later that night. Needless to say, she came home and we were BOTH waiting. I had told him that she needed some boundaries and responsibilities. When I felt him backing down during the time, just he and I were talking, I pushed him right back up. He wanted to give her 12 midnight but I told him 11 pm and that extra hour at 11 was a given. I told him to go and get her so we both can do it together and that he needed to start backing me up on the house rules bc I was doing what I thought was best for everyone in the household and that we would decide TOGETHER. Well she took her sweet time but came in our room and starred the hell out of her dad. If eyes could cut. I looked at him and he got angry and asked her and I quote, "what time do you think you need to be in this house"? She stood silent and then she just looked at him and he asked again. She said "what time do I need to be in the house". He told her 11 pm and what is it that you be doing in the street that takes all night. Her reply, stuff. (well dam-excuse the language)lol He said well you need to have it done before 11pm. She cut him into once again with the starring and I looked at them both. He told her that we both had jobs and that he didnt want to be woke the hell up by all the noise she makes and that he had told her about coming in late once. I bout busted a gut bc I thought about what hypovic said. Take back our house and she will leave!!! lol well she had a bag packed on her shoulder when she came in the room. He said where are you going. She said to Shonda's house (the ex-girlfriend's daughter -other trouble makers house). He said be careful going there. She starred him down and then kindly walked up the hall to the kitchen and came back and asked, "ain't no more pork chops". He gave her one off his plate, which is fine with me and I bout busted a gut holding that joy inside. He actually stood up to her and it was the right thing to do for us and for her. I told him, she needs her rest to and tthat she may hate him right now but she will thank him later. I also told him as parents we cant be her friend we have to be her parents. He got a little irritated with me but that was ok to. I needed to feel like I mattered and how I felt mattered. My 13 yrs old does worry about me and I worry about her. She hugged me yesterday when I got home bc my sister had put junk on FB about us and then we both told eachother we love us. lol She is a trooper. Needless to say that our 13 yrs old just called after school and informed me, by me asking, that she is there right now. I explained to our 13yr old that she needed to lock all her phone, jewerly, and toothbrush away because the little red devil child had a smoke coming out of her butt for being given rules. lol That was so PRICELESS. I now see some progress and hope in my DH. If she tries to come in again then we will have another sit down with consequences this time. I am not pushing my limits but hopeful DH will continue to follow through. I will keep you all posted on the progress. I know SD has something up her sleeves but I wont lay awake wondering what. All smiles ova here!!!
Dear Hypovic, lol I am still
Dear Hypovic, lol I am still tickled. This weekend was the first time she, me, and BD sat a table and ate together since I can remember. lol She even offered to help carry in the groceries. She is obeying the rules set for her right now. But I still dont trust her. The sad thing is, she looks so innocent. lol I bet you could have seen the steam coming from her butt. Found out this weekend, her boyfriend of 4 years dont have a job either so I guess DH takes care of him to. He lives with his parents. Why arent these abled bodies working? She still stays out all night but atleast she dont come in after 11 pm. lol I guess it all is a work in progress. I am going to slowly lay down the ground rules and lets see how much she likes the next one. lol I tell her what to do not ask anymore bc she is just there doing nothing. I hope she is still going to school. If tha day ever comes when she quits, DH and her aunt will flip the script as they paid for all this. I sure enough will be shaking my head and since DH's job is going to shut down and he is complaining about money now. I guess he shovels it out to her while I am at work. But oh well as long as our home and I dont go lacking. I make sure our 13 yrs old's needs are met and I love my husband. I am soooo grateful for you all once again. God bless and I will keep you all up as I progress on the eviction. lol
Glad to hear you are feeling
Glad to hear you are feeling better
I just found your blog and
I just found your blog and have to say you got some great advice here. I can hear in your voice you are getting stonger and confident. It IS your house too and SD should never forget that. If things do not go as planned - with SD following the rules and being respectful - she needs to go. One warning and then it is out. She can work and earn her own way, she just hasn't had to yet. Stay strong and be firm. Support your DH too as this is a hard transition for him but if he feels like you are doing this as a team he also will gain strength and confidence. Keep us posted.
Thanks so much but I owe alot
Thanks so much but I owe alot of it to you all as my SM supporters. I got some great pointers from a lot of the replies and put them in action. I took controll and now I am doing better. We still have a ways to go bc she is trying to work dear old dad but hey as long as DH dont say anything to me concerning things I need him to do. I am waiting on the chance to tell him that SD nor her boyfriend have a job so when he gives her money, he is taking care of her and the boyfriend. That should surely set a fire under him and is worth every smart reply. LOL Maybe then he will insist on her getting a job. I doubt if he will ever put her out. She will have to leave on her own but if I keep putting the pressure on her she will eventually. She demands intead of ask. I wonder if she was always that way. I am going to address that issue to. I notice she is starting to let some foot traffice come into our home. I am mointoring that. I dont like all those different spirits nor germs in our home. They go to her bedroom so to me that is all over the house. I dont like it one bit but I am going to address things as I go. My BD told me she heard her tell someone on the phone that "she had to get up out of there". I will gladly help her pack. lol Well thanks for the talk time. I appreciate you all very much. I wish SM had an honor day. lol If there wasnt enablers and cowards then we wouldnt have such a hard time. Forsaking all others was missed when the minister joined us DH & DW together. It would make marriage so much easier if it sunk in.
Yeah shame our DH's didn't
Yeah shame our DH's didn't speak up at that point during the ceremony and say foresaking all others except my daughter who will always come first in my marriage. If they'd been honest at that point most if us would have headed for the hills instead of the honeymoon. Funny how they think they are big string tough men protecting their daughters. Even when the daughters have husbands of their own. But they don't seem to notice as husbands they appear weak, spineless hypocrites who are being played for a fool by their daughters. They don't notice a man who allows his children to be rude and disrespectful towards him is not a man at all. A man who allows his family to disrespect his wife is neither a man or a husband.
Well 20years and emotionly, I
Well 20years and emotionly, I owe the strength to this forum of good SM. I couldnt have found the right direction to go in without all of you in my circle. I got a call yesterday that told me SD was at it again. She brought the ex (r.i.p) grandchildren back over after I told her they are not welcome to our home. I dont like their disrespecting mom and DH have not bio ties to any of them. Those three cuties came along after my DH and his ex GF broke up but the SD insist that we all blend. Where they hell they do that all!!! Not at my house. So I left work early and they had gone by the time I had gotten there. I sat and made a list of the things to say to DH to keep the conversation we were going to have at a non shouthing minimum. Needlesss to say that when he sat down I had to tell him that he allowed SD to direspect me once again and of course DH played the dumb card and I had to tell him. I told him he have two wifes and I was the bedroom wife and SD was everything else. I explained to him that he couldnt please both of us and that this was my house and I help make the rules and he is not to help SD break them bc that keeps confusion going. He told me to tell her she couldnt bring the kids over and that the aunt couldnt come back to the house either. The aunt is SD's age and on this pass Saturday SD told me, NOT ASKED, told me that the ex's daughter was coming over so she could do her hair. I overlooked that and said ok but once she got there, the cat had her tongue and B (ex's daughter) barely spoke. I had to speak to her and when she left, she and SD both left at the same time, I didnt know they were gone. But I am ok bc SD didnt come back to the house last night so I could tell her MY rules. I told DH he should have told her the minute she came up with the kids to take them back bc it made me feel uncomfortable but instead DH gave one of the kids the bracelet my daughter had bought for him. I mentioned that to. DH looked at me like I was crazy but on the high end SD will get told today that they are forbidden at our home. She can get the hell on to if she likes. lol I now see her as the little red devil. I am done with her to. I use to buy her little things when I got my BD something but NO MORE!!! I am breaking away from everyone that causes me grief. I have nothing for her. I havent even put SD on my BD's check out. We hide our toothbrushes bc I dont trust her at all. She will not get to personally reap the benefits of my hard earned dollars anymore. I'm done with her but I sure did have a good talk with DH last night and got some good progress. He pretends to be slow but I told him he is trying to keep both of us happy but I am his wife and that he dont want to make her mad so he throws me under the bus but I am YOUR wife. DH had the freak'n nerves to say, "I dont ask you for anything". I told him I dont ask him either but for gas in my truck and I put some in there myself and that I was taking care of me before I met him and I am still taking care of me. He said me to, like a darn kid. lol But I got my point across and I will be telling her what I think. Then he said if BD gets in trouble in school again, there will be a fight. I told him I will stand behind his punishment but I needed to know what it is. He knows that physical punishment is out of the darn question. Taking phone, internet, visits, no outtings, yes. I dont do tit for tat bc BD is only 13 and SD is 20 and a pain. So I will keep you all posted. I already know that SD will be asking "why" like she 6 yrs old to make me feel sorry for her. That is how she plays on DH but I dont owe her the same explanation 3 times. She gets it and she will get the hell on to. I will keep you up on my marriage progress. I also told DH that we should not be at this point in our marriage. I told him we should still be on our honeymoon. I dont even smile anymore bc of this drama. So we will see how that goes when I talk to her hopefully today. She know, I bet, that I know she brought those kids back over. Besides I already knew that after Saturday, since the aunt came over, she was going to try me with those kids. They are young and they ramble and they belong to an butwipe mom. DH dont know that one of his sisters told me those girls, bc mom said so, put him through all kinds of crap during their break up. So I just look at him when he thinks nothing is wrong with them coming over. I left him with his and am going to leave her with this to: I am the woman of this house!!! I am DH's wife!!! My feelings will be taken into consideration and I will not be disrespected. Dh gave me the green light so now I dont have to run the red one. lol It's on!!!!
I had issues with my
I had issues with my husband's daughter for 8 years till I finally had enough. The day she was banned from my home, I told DH she was pulling up the driveway, with her boyfriend and newborn. I gave him the option (I had given him an earlier option of asking her to apologise, but he would not), said she would not bow down to me. So, this particular day I told him, either you open that door and tell her she is not welcome here anymore or I will do it for you...........Like your DH mine told me to do it.
Know this, by getting you to do it, you become the bad person and DH still gets to stay on SDs good side, he can blame you for this, and she will happily blame you too.
In saying this stick to your guns, you have told DH you do not want those children in your house, now tell SD but be prepared for what you will do if she brings them again. Are you prepared to tell her never to come back again either. How will you deal with it if she continues to disrespect your wishes.
Personally after all the years I put up with nonsense, I would tell her the kids don't come back here ever again and if they do, you won't be coming back here ever again. I honestly believe sticking up for yourself is paramount here, because you have a husband just like mine, they will throw you under the bus every single time to save their own backsides. They CANNOT stand up to their daughters, it is physically and emotionally impossible for them. If you don't change things in your house, trust me, he won't. He is one of those that will just sit back and let things happen around him, and the person who makes the most noise is the one who will get listened to. The person who threatens to take the most away from him, is the one he will jump to attention for.
Is he prepared to lose you for his daughter, that is the question. Now I am not saying issue ultimatums here, I don't think that is right. What I am saying is this, you do what is right for you, look after yourself, because the type of husband you have will not be able to look after you, do not allow anyone in his family nor DH himself to disrespect you or your home ever again, and do whatever it takes to make sure this happens. The longer you take this, the more it will go on.
Your SD keeps pushing boundaries because she has no respect for you, your home, your marriage or even her own father, she is looking out for herself. Your husband is also in his own way looking out for himself with his anything for a quiet life approach, so in this family dynamic where it is clearly every man for himself, you had better start standing up for yourself or you will get pushed into the ground, you will become physically ill, and emotionally stressed to the point where you will feel completely nothing in your home and in your marriage. These people will eat you alive. So if you want to stay in that marriage, you are going to have to be strong and stand up for yourself. YOU will have to deal with stepdaughter because HE cannot.
I wish you all the very best, but as I said before, be aware, he is telling YOU to do it, so YOU get blamed. In this scenario what will happen is, SD will resent you EVEN MORE, and your DH has set that up by telling you to deal with it. That being said, do what you have to do, when you feel you are able to do it and all the best of luck. Welcome to our world.
Well the shit hit the fan
Well the shit hit the fan last night. SD and I got into a big fight bc I took the pic of her and the other ex daughter down. Which we had issures about before and I gave over to her. DH had handled the issue himself without telling me so I handled it after returning from bible class. I have scheduled us to see a marriage councelor on Monday if we make it that far. SD told DH that he is all she has and she will not let me kill him also brung up DH buying my BD shoes and said she didnt have any. I told her to get a job and buy her some. She said she goes to school and she could get a job if she wanted to but she was not going to give me what I wanted and that was her gone. She then said I was insecure. I was an adult arugeing with a young adult and told her dad that the feelings she had right now, she would go to jail and that if she stayed in the house while I was there, then he would have to call the police. DH told me he didnt tell me to talk to her. I beg the differ. Anyway it resulted in her getting in my face and he saying he was going to leave us both in the house. She even said I packed up her grandmother's things. She was crying crock tears and screaming daddy I love you and I am not going to let her kill you and you dont need this stress and you are all I got. I told her the ex's kids and grandkids were apart of her life and they were not going to be forced upon me. DH just stood there. Jump in anytime you like. She got issues with DH disciplining my kids. WTH just happened!!! I hope this counceling session works because if it doesnt by this time next week I will have filed for divorce and not looking back. I have the Sarcoidosis and uvitis and I dont need stress either. My poor 13yr old BD wanted to just leave last night. I feel sorry for her. I am not going to fight a fight by myself for long. He told me that the way things come out of my mouth was the reason why I was always in mess. He also blamed me for my sister and I argueing on FB. Saying I should have never said something about her kids but she talked about mine. SMh. Let his daughter wait on him hand and foot bc I am almost done. DH sister told SD what I said about her (SIL)getting her couch that we have and me bringing mine up there. I deleted all of them out of my friends list this morning. I have a headache. Sickness is already here. He got up this morning and spoke and them put gas in my truck without me having to ask him. I told him I love him and he said drive careful. But I see him diffently now. I am struggling to hold on to something I may need to let go of. I told him he has spoiled her and that she is not getting his debit card or JC penny card or have all that foot traffice come into the house like she use to. I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I am so tired. From now on till Monday will determine if I stay or if I go. She is probably there telling him all the crap she can and give her sobbing fake tears. I dont know if they belong together for him not having a back bone or what. I have suggested counceling for us all. So we will see. She kept talking about they are going to have to call the police. I told SD and an ambulance to for her. DH just stood there and I am afraid it will get worse. I dont know. I just keep praying but I dont know if staying in this is even worth my sanity. I will give her what she wants and that DH back if he dont fix the problem. I told him there will always be confusion as long as she is in our house. I told her all the things I have bought her and she said I didnt ask you to. DUH that is what a parent does. I think she is the one that feels threaten. Lord knows I am tired and doing a great job at holding back my tears today. Pray with me.
I'm so sorry for the way you
I'm so sorry for the way you are feeling right now. I am glad you have an appointment with a counsellor. Is DH going to that or are you going alone. Hopefully he will go with you. But if not, it is still a good source of support for you.
These women can be so manipulative and their father's don't even seem to notice. She says she is concerned about the amount of stress her father is under, and she is not going to let "you" kill him with more stress, but then she stays out all night, disrespects you and your home, which she knows causes more problems for her father. Clearly she can cause him all the stress she likes, that's okay. I hope someone points that out to your DH. If SD keeps pushing your buttons in your home and refuses to be so much as civil to you, then SD has the issue not you.
He wants the words to come out of your mouth nicer, okay, maybe that is an issue that you need to look at, but it makes me laugh, he can tell you that, but has he ever said the same thing to his daughter. My DH is the same, it was always my fault, I was the adult and I needed to be SD's puppet and do things her way, put up with her crap in my home, because I was the adult. Even when SD moved into her own home with her boyfriend and had a child of her own, DH still said I was the adult. So, I'm guessing that in his eyes, she will always be a little girl he will never see her as a grown woman who is responsible for her own actions.
Just recently I had an incident with SD's boyfriend, long story, but given that I had not spoken to him for a year he had not need to approach me, but he did, and said something that upset me very, very much. DH's response, well why did you listen to him. Now, the boyfriend approached me in a nice manner, I was polite and civil, as he was for the first 60 seconds, then with no warning and a smile on his face he said something that tore me apart, but it was MY fault, not boyfriends.
I can only say this again to you, look after yourself and your health. I was getting back on my feet, I had been well for just under a year, not great, but a whole lot better, and then this happened and I am still suffering the affects of a lung infection I developed within a week of the incident. This was two months ago.
The other result of this incident is I no longer have anything to do with DH's entire family. I have cut them all off. I did ring his sister though and told her what I was doing and why. I did this because I knew my husband would just lie to his family and protect his daughter and her boyfriend, and I decided that I was sick of getting the blame for everything. Being an Italian family I knew SIL would pass this around pretty quickly and she has. Let DH try and spin his lies now
Moral of the story, when you have enemies like these SD's it only seems to get worse, now it seems her boyfriend can get in on the act.
Not happening, not happening at all. On a more positive note at least I do not have to deal with DH's family anymore.
I hope all goes well for you on Monday. Good Luck.
Thanks so much EBU. I went
Thanks so much EBU. I went home yesterday and didnt have much to say to DH. Yes he is going to the session with me on Monday and then I am going to make an appt with a Pastor so he can biblically teach DH his duties. I had a friend to tell me that I neede to look at DH wasnt raised with his dad. He dont even remember him. So he lacks in alot of manhood areas. I hadnt thought of that and yes you are right, he may never see her as a grown woman but I constantly enforce it in his mind. SD comes when I am not home. I dont even buy groceries anymore for her to carry out of the house. I am glad she chose, in front of her dad, to not be there while I am at the house. LOL That is some help. Even though she said she was not going anywhere. Stupid little spoiled brat. Where was she when he had his first round of CHEMO? No one gave him a bath but me. Of all the things I did for him three years ago as the girlfriend, I did it out of love. Where was the family? I deleted them all off my FB page yesterday. I dont know if I would be calling them to explain or not but I will consider it. I have learned from this to trust no one in his family PERIOD. They are a bunch of backbiters. I asked DH this morning if he wanted the marriage to work and he said only if I do. I told him this question is not about what I want. It is about what he wants and it is a yes or no question to him. He said yes. I told him ok I do to. So I think it will work if SD keeps avoiding me. lol Yes she is the one with the problem. I dont like her rambling through our stuff. My BD wants a lock on her room door but I dont know if DH would go for that one. DH better wake up before SD takes him down. He has treatment on Tuesday, lets see where she will be then. She will probably try and pretend to be concerned this round but next month she may be no where to be seen. I am trying to hold on to the love I have for him but he chipped away at it when he did not protect me from being emotionally hurt by SD's attitude. Yes, she is causing him stress but God is going to fix all of that. She is jelious of what DH does for my BD. That came out of her mouth. I am sure DH bought her some shoes because she won that Oscar when she was yelling and the fake tears was rolling down her face. Not sure if we will need the police at the family counceling session bc she is so full of jeliousy and anger. She actually made me nervous the way she was carrying on that night but I didnt tell her that. I will tell DH but not sure if it will do some good. I am going to mentioin alot of things in the session. I pray he gets it if he wants this marriage. I am glad you are able to cope with your DH. We as SP gets the bad end of the deal and try to hang in there for love. I am stepping away from my family and his. It is time I do take care of me and my DH and my BD. I am not giving in to her. As long as that evilness is avoiding me she is making it easier for me to enjoy my marriage and she dont even know what a gift she have given me. lol Stupid is as stupid does in Forrest Gump voice. lol Love you and hope things gets better for the both of us. My head was hurting yesterday from the stress and I am refusing to let her kill me. I try and think of his health before anything else. I love my husband and we are going to make it in the name of Jesus. The devil is a liar. I'll put in one for the rest of my friends on here. We are going to have to labor in our marriage if we want it. I wont say live forever in misery but hang on until you KNOW it's time to let go. Thanks for being there for me.
I wasn't suggesting you ring
I wasn't suggesting you ring the family and explain yourself. Sorry if it came off that way. The only reason I rang SIL was to let out a few home truths and I knew she would do the gossip spreading around the family. I wanted to do this for ME because my DH will lie to his family to protect his daughter and in lying to them, will throw me under the STEAM ROLLER yet again. I don't particularly care anymore what his family think if me. I guess I was just putting DH into a position whereby for the first time ever his lies will come back go bite him. I also have decided not to protect him and cover his lies by my silence anymore. I used to shut up and say nothing. But I told DH a couple of months ago that I would no longer cover fur him by shutting up and I would no longer speak to him when his family caused me grief, I would deal with it myself and to hell with consequences that fell out on him.
My DH has shown me for YEARS that he will sit back and watch his family insult hurt and disrespect me. I have respected him enough all these years to not interfere between him and his family and allow him to deal with these problems. However he is never going to be able to go that and I am never going to put up with them anymore.
I told SIL my intentions because I knew I was removing myself from his family and there were a few things I needed to say on the way out. This was my final communication with anyone in DHs family and I did it my way.
Way to go EBU. I am going to
Way to go EBU. I am going to take the high road to. I was afraid of loosing DH but now I am at the point to where if he walks he walks. I have my own home to go to and it is closer to my job and my BD can go back to the old school. He wanted to be babied today. Texting talking about he had a headache. Why didnt he tell SD bc she was here with him while I was at work. She vows to never leave and to never be here while I am here or she will be going to jail. So I pray this councelor and the minister can point him in the right direction. It is about power with her. She listens to the friends she calls sisters bc I told her they were not welcome in our home. DH will learn. She said I was stressing him out. She deserves an oscar and if he thinks I have to live in hell just to love him he better think again. I have take your road. I deleted all his FM off my page and dare him to say anything to me. He needs to learn that none of them were there for him when he had his first round of CHEMO 3 yrs ago and what will make it any different now except to destroy our marriage. I married a boy in a man's body. I am going to tour all avenues to save our marriage but if I see it is wearing more on my health then I will let them come in and be there for him. See how far it goes then. Evidently they were talking behind my back bc SD told me what I said about giving one of my SIL her couch back and bringing mine here. What was the problem with that. My DH tells me it is not what I say it is how I say it. He may be right but that is who and how I am. He wants me to change for his SD he better get him another wife. No wonder he was by himself when I met him. I told him he thinks he has two wives. Anyway I thought you had a great idea of cutting DH and not to mention some of my family members aloose. Thanks and prayers for all us SM