Basic theme to all step issues
My thoughts on the basic theme to all step-related issues are boundaries, logic and respect.
How I see step issues after having been through them, basically it boils down to if a person divorces and chooses to get into another relationship THEY have to be the ones to establish clear boundaries between the life they HAD and their CURRENT life within the context of logicical and reasoned actions and thought patterns that show profound respect to the current SO, spouse, ect.
It is the issue on the shoulders of our SO's not the "new person in his/her life" to create stability- THEY HAVE to want to establish a new set of guidelines in their life to accomodate us and shield their "new" relationship from their past issues.
Which brings me to the all important point of someone "putting the children first in their life". If that is the case, do not get into another relationship...because adult relationships, new marriages require that both adults are treated with equal standards, and as long as one spouse holds their kids on a higher pedestal than the spouse, there are unequal standards and that defeats having another adult in a relationship with you. Adult relationships come first, then kids are second to that.
Second, BOUNDARIES!
Until the person, usually the men(sorry guys of ST)move on and establish boundaries that keep his past in the past, there will be issues. If the men who choose to get into a relationship can create legitmate boundaries where the ex life does not interfere with the current life, then less step-issues will come up.
LOGIC.
It is logical to expect your kids to behave and respect boundaries you command as a father anywhere, anytime, with anyone. It is not logical to let your kids do whatever the hell they want, period.
Respect.
Respect the new partner as just that...they are not your ex...stop treating the relationship currently as you would have with the ex. Your actions should show the current spouse that you respect WHO THEY ARE and and not your past patterns of dealing with people.
Anything ya'll want to add?
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Comments
"I'd like to caveat the
"I'd like to caveat the beginning, and add that what we can't expect going into our new relationships is that
life is going to operate the same exact way that it was before we brought the person into you.
You can't expect them to automatically think, understand and assimilate with everything in the way that you do."
Great caveat!!!!!!!
I was involved with someone who was a bit older than me who had adult daughters, where he was afraid to change anything to keep it all the same operation in life as before me. I mean we couldn't change decore in the home because "that was the way it had always been and that is how it is going to stay", and his attitude of "that is the way I have always done this or that and that is the way it will stay"
He totally brought me into assimilate into HIS life, not make a life together going forward. I did not like operating by his standards and ultimately realized he had not moved on.
My dh did all those things
My dh did all those things and continues to do them and I still don't like his kid, but I don't have any of the issues a lot of you have and I am very thankful for that.
Yes BM's are A HUGE problem.
Yes BM's are A HUGE problem. BUT it is up to your spouse to protect and shield BM's influence on your new life together.
I guess that is my point...the person who has the baggage has the duty to shield the new relationship in every logical way possible.
It is our SO's that have responsiblity in how to create a bubble around our lives together. BM's, stepkids, ex inlaws, inlaws, are able to be controlled by the SO's, it is just whether the SO can identify how to do so and take action to do so. It is about shutting people down, stopping them in their tracks where they don't affect your current live.
Then your DH was unsuccessful
Then your DH was unsuccessful at shutting BM down. He has the ability.
McCrazy is seriously a
McCrazy is seriously a whacko. She has tried pas, allegations of abuse, threats to relocate if dh didn't do what she wanted or give her more money. She's tried it all. And yes it was a real pain in the ass for me and it drained us, but my dh did not bow down to her during any of it and it certianly has made life easier. In fact, she has backed way off and we rarely hear from her. Why? Not because she's moved on or no longer crazy or had an epiphany. Because it wasn't working. The constant rejection was too much for her. So it really does have more to do with how our dh's handle the crazy
My dh ignores it. All of it. He doesn't argue the crazy. He simply refuses to engage.
LIKE LIKE LIKE. I read posts
LIKE LIKE LIKE. I read posts and sometimes I'm just like why did the man even bother getting married??
.......oh. That's right, for babysitting and housekeeping purposes. Silly me.
I just want to add my two
I just want to add my two bits; my dh really has gotten it right when it comes to making him and me priority. Not always, we've had our mine versus yours issues and financial issues, and you name it battles over things, but when it's all boiled down dh always says that he and I are the umbrella for this home and as long as we are without holes and stand together, all else will fall in place. The kids will always be brats, the inlaws have their opinions, etc. but dh says that we must stand together and not let our ranks become devided. THAT IS WHY I MARRIED THE MAN!!!! All else is hard but I know that at the end of our day we have each other!!
That is the support anyone
That is the support anyone should give to their SO, I am happy your DH makes YOU TWO the priority!
I'm happy for you that your
I'm happy for you that your dh is like that. Your comments made me cry thought - my dh never would have said such a thing. Well...maybe he would have said it but then he never walked his talk.
I'm struggling with this
I'm struggling with this right now...DH has allowed skids (who always lived with us full time) to disrupt our relationship for years. Things got a little better with SS22 when he was kicked out of the house for calling me an ungrateful f*cking b*tch :jawdrop: Now have to deal with SD just turned 18. She has depression, ODD, is highly manipulative - just a behavioral trainwreck. Up her dad's butt 24/7, has the emotional maturity of maybe a 12 or 13 year old.
DH is a very guilty dad. These kids have always been and continue to be excessively dependent on DH, and he seems to be fine with not establishing boundaries to protect our marriage. These are adults people! He and I can't go anywhere, do anything, have a conversation, etc. without the phone ringing constantly or never ending knocking on the bedroom door. No privacy, no uninterrupted couple time EVER - hmmm, wonder why I don't feel "frisky" a lot of the time }:)
So...no boundaries, no logic, no respect
That is the point. The
That is the point. The problems are how the DH's deal with their lives and shield their current situation. It is incredibly simple.
As complicated and complex as ALL the issues are, it still comes back to DH and what he does.
Step family dynamics are like an octopus, many tentacles, many issues, but it is always controlled from a main source. The person who has the control over the tentacles.
Suicide rates are high
Suicide rates are high because men do not generally separate from the BS of their past. They have choices, they don't want to see it.
Whether you like the point of
Whether you like the point of my post or not, damn that was mean!
And it is true, my ex threatened to blow his brains out (guilting-and abusive to me) trying to get me back...he found a way to deal with it. He let it go. The people who hold onto their past and don't realize they have power... those are the ones who commit suicide.
If your DH spent that much
If your DH spent that much money trying to defend himself then I would have to say, there was probably another LOGICAL choice he could have made.
Yes the family court system is atrocious. Yes atty's cost alot.
That is why a person must USE LOGIC and REASONING Skills to decide if they want to put themselves into hoc or if it is even feasable.
If my DH wanted to put us in hoc for atty fees, court fees to fight his ex, it would not be a logical choice to fight for parental rights.
WHY? Like I said in my original post; boundaries, logic and respect.
Editing to say...I read your blogs Nosteppinstone and see why you are bitter about the family court system. BUT, you do realize that how your DH handled the PAS and the kids games played into being why you had so many court issues. Sometimes those boundaries mean not letting toxic people into your life and/or shutting them down logically. It seems as though your DH already knew he was fighting a losing battle befor ya'll even had court issues.
Where the hell do you get
Where the hell do you get your "data"?
I agree. My dh DID handle the
I agree. My dh DID handle the crazy, BUT he also won in court. Having a solid CO and having reams of paper from professionals reflecting all the false allegations and the abuse, have given him the confidence to handle the crazy.
If the court systems continue to allow contempt and not give fathers fair access to their children, they court system is part of the problem.
Yes, they have choices, but their choices include writing off their children. And that isn't really a choice for most people. The propect of losing one's kids is daunting and the desire to be part of their lives in understandbly stronger than their desire to keep the peace with a new wife. They aren't being jerks (in most cases - though I've read some on here where the men truly are asshats), they're merely trying to not lose their kids.
I am completely sure you are
I am completely sure you are capable of telling someone to F**k off, but from reading your blogs, you probably would not have needed to protect yourself from GAL had your DH handled HIS boundaries with his daughters and exwife from the start. You said in one of your blogs that the ex was/is a drug user, liar, ect...so he essentially knew the potential for exacting strong boundaries from the beginning.
I have something... When/if
I have something...
When/if "Dad" decides to marry again, he absolutely should NOT treat his new wife as if he is collecting evidence to use in another divorce proceeding.
It has always felt as if that's what DH was up to when SD18's issues would come up. We don't now, nor have we ever, fought over anything at all...except SD18. Why am I great for everything else in his life, but I have failed miserably where SD18 is concerned. It just always felt like SD18's game.
"When/if "Dad" decides to
"When/if "Dad" decides to marry again, he absolutely should NOT treat his new wife as if he is collecting evidence to use in another divorce proceeding."
Absolutely agree!!!!!!!!!
That is the respect thing.