Apparently.

The other night I was feeling really down about alot of things and took it upon myself to finish up a bottle of wine after dinner. I would be lying if I said I wasn't buzzed, boderline perhaps intoxicated. Children's Aid is doing a follow up visit on Friday so initially BF and I were talking about that (I was telling him which rooms he was in charge of cleaning lol) and from that, it turned to conversation about the SKids & BM.

Well I blew up about the whole BM being in the house alone thing, and going off about how just because she finished a week of detox doesn't mean she's suddenly 'fixed' and has earned the right to be left alone with her toddler son... let alone in MY house. BF kind of brushed it off like it was no big deal, and it went something like this...

Me: You act like she just made one tiny mistake and since she's took one tiny step in the right direction that means all wounds are healed and everything can go back to normal.

BF: Maybe I do think it was just a tiny mistake.

Me: Almost burning your house down because you're passed out while you're children are there is not a TINY MISTAKE. Losing your children to CAS for a second time because of abusing drugs is NOT a tiny mistake.

BF: You can't say that, you don't know the whole story. You don't even know her.

Me: I know what YOU'VE told me, and from day one you've said she's a drug addict. All my information comes from YOU. Suddenly because I'm more aggressive with the issue it's not all true?

BF: Maybe I was just mad when I said it. She's obviously doing what she can so I'm not going to withold her son from her. If she wants to see him, she's free to.

Me: Whatever, you need to get your priorities straight & realize some things are MORE IMPORTANT than what your drug addicted BM thinks of you. You have NO obligation to her.

BF: I do have an obligation to her, she's the mother of my child.

Me: No, you have an obligation to YOUR CHILD. The only woman you have an obligation to is ME, the woman you love. But - oh wait - you have an obligation to her. You MUST love her!

BF: I will always have love for her.

Me: Yep, of course you still love her. *Storms off* (Drunken antics, joy).

Ugh. I don't know why it pissed me off so much. I've been pushing this custody thing because I know that once she does get custody back (which she probably will, not immediately, but eventually because while she does abuse drugs, she is in her own way trying to do the right thing) she's going to be bitter and things are going to go back to the exact way they were before this - BF only getting the SKids on Sundays IF she doesn't have anywhere better to send them. And since they don't have a CO, she can and does get away with it. But of course, he doesn't want to be the bad guy. And when I point this out to him he says, "I'm sure I could have them as much as I want." Oh really? Then how come it was never like that before, and suddenly since she's lost the kids she's going to be more giving to you in the future? Uh, NO, I don't think so buddy...

And the stupid loving her comment. I mean, I KNOW he will always care about her and obviously they produced offspring together... but he always feels the need to remind me when we argue about it. Like what is he trying to prove? He doesn't need to rub it in. I dunno, maybe I'm a jealous freak but it still bothers me. It's like the one thing they shared that I can never be apart of. And I don't know, sometimes I wonder now that since BM's boyfriend is MIA (aka an extended stay in JAIL) that if BF and I weren't together if he'd go crawling back to her. I'm the first woman he's been with since him and BM were together & he stayed single for an entire YEAR waiting for her to come back before he even STARTED dating around again. Ugh.

I don't know. I'm having a really low moment in my life right now, it seems like everything and anything is upsetting me lately. Sigh.